My wife just confessed all. What do I do

Hi

I'm sorry to hear your experience but you are in the right place. There is a lot of help on here for both of you if you want to access it.

I'm talking from the other side of the fence as someone who had an uncontrollable addiction to gambling which is an illness. 

Both of you have the opportunity to talk to the advisors on here. Not sure if you were saying you have already done that. If not click the talk to someone button and you can either ring or text chat but obviously would need to do it separately. 

There is a chatroom which is text only for affected others which you could join and chatrooms she can join on here. In terms of yourself, you probably feel you need some help to recover yourself so there are many organisations to help like gamanon and online zooms. They are a safe space and in terms of gender are mixed as this addiction can affect anyone

I hope the following helps as it will be talking about my experience and trying to help relate to her.

Firstly this is an illness and recognised by the NHS as one. From people I have spoken to with multiple addictions this is the worst of them. It shouldn't be underestimated and she will need all the help and support she can get. That might or might not include yourself but thats your decision and please make it your decision

There is no quick fix and it takes a lot of work. From my own experience, the time you tell everyone is extremely tough and she has shown a lot of courage to tell you. That's not condoning but I would imagine it would help you to understand the situation which certainly isn't easy ? Gambling addiction is hidden from everyone so please don't ever blame yourself for not knowing. My partner of 21 years never knew the extent of my addiction and I was petrified to tell her

You mention blocks and accountability which are a first start. If you can mention this site to her, between the advisors, chatrooms and reading topics on here she can get signposted to the things available. She can also access counselling through the advisors.

In terms of the debt, I would suggest ringing StepChange who are amazing. They can talk you through options. 

I don't want to bombard you with information but if you have any further thoughts or questions please post them on here and if I can help I will. 

There are some very good peer supporters on here from your side of the fence who I am sure will reply 

My first question would be has your wife reached out for help herself given she has come clean to you. If not if encourage that and then I don't know how much help I can be as myself am the addict not an affected other but what I can do is give my perspective of how my wife has been and how it helped me. Firstly she wasn't sure what to do, if she she go or stay for her and my boys or if she should stay because she loves me. It took some brutal honest conversations and she needed some assurance I was serious about getting help, she currently gets my wages paid into her bank account and all my bills go out of that so she has total financial control for others just access to the finances in a open manner might be enough, she watched me put blocks in place and then we looked at debt management together. Having her support rather than ridicule was something I didn't necessarily expect but it wasn't immediately either took a week or two or cold stoney awkward silences. But talking to eachother helps and seeking advice for the advisors here individually will give you both help. The chat rooms ever evening at 8pm would be great for your wife and there is a time table for themed chatrooms that may have topics you both may find useful on this journey 

Thank you both for your honesty, and time to respond. 

Waking up and the first thing I did was check this forum, so thank you. I guess this is my life or at least the foreseeable now? Working out what to do. 

I'm quite good with money and an going to arrange to consolidate her debt into one single repayment, however, would you advise I cll step change regardless? 

We are sitting down today for the first time since she confessed and I'm sure it will be emotionally challenging. 

Thanks you

@lp5vut869c I am on the other side of this coin. I've been with my fiance for 6 years (we're in our 20s). I came clean and told him everything on my birthday, he was angry, so angry.

I relapsed really badly in February and now have an insane amount of debt. My partner had no idea I had a gambling issue a few years ago. I didn't tell anyone but now everyone knows. 

I felt sick, scared and so alone. This whole journey has been incredibly painful. My fiance wouldn't look at me, hug or stay in the same bed. I have absolutely broken all trust that we had built.

It's now been 10 days since I told him, he's helped me contact the people I need to. He now has my banking app downloaded and at night I leave my phone in the same room as him. 

I've deleted all social media to reduce time spent on my phone Because I know it makes him uncomfortable because he doesn't know what I am doing. 

I love him so much but I still couldn't tell him through the fear of let him down. I was so scared of the outcome but on my birthday I realised I couldn't stop unless I told him.

He told me he doesn't know who I am, I really thought/still think that I'm going to lose my relationship, partnership and best friend. He is my everything and it's taken rock bottom to get snap out of this compulsion to gamble. 

After tell him I felt so vulnerable and alone. I couldn't see a way to carry on and the next day I felt the same. The 2 hour drive home alone gave me time to think about how to end it. 

But his brother was coming to see me, support me with the debt and just knowing I had someone made everything a tiny bit better.

I have made promises I will stick to. I will do everything I can to prove to my beautiful sweet fiance that he can trust me and that I will do the things that I have said. 

Stepchange have been very useful for me.

Your not alone, I'm so sorry you and your wife are going through this. 

@7a21jm5en6 

Hi iwillgetthere 

I'm going to post a new topic on here called your.nickname. I can feel your pain in your post and if you want to talk I think I can help. Ive been and am exactly where you are, just further down the road and resonated with what you were saying. I can't post for an hour but promise I will. 

@r4xzd58khq 

I would still talk to StepChange. It sounds like you don't need to go into anything that affects your credit file but I would still talk to them. I would also complain to the loan companies especially payday loans if she took any and you feel it's irresponsible lending as you can get interest back like I have.

I obviously don't know you or her so can only talk from my own experience. As you know this is going to be the hardest conversation you've ever had with her. So I'm going to put myself in her shoes. It's up to you what you say but I've been on the other side of these conversations many times in the last 44 years

Try and stay calm and let her talk. This is a mental illness and removes all morals due to the addiction

Cold turkey doesn't work and she needs help. I wouldn't push her as she has to want it herself but if you do some research together and if she talks to the advisors on here she can get that help

Try and research about the addiction.

She will need a support network of people and things she can turn to when she needs to. Urges carry on for a long time, depression, anxiety and other mental health issues. I'm really hoping you can be part of that network for her but that's up to you. You can be a part but your part will be mainly to listen to her and not judge, sorry for saying that but I must be honest and hope that doesn't sound like I'm telling you to do it.

Try and talk rather than confront and blame. She will know she has done wrong

Most importantly, if you are doing to sort the debts out you some how need to ensure you aren't enabling her, as if everything is ok. She will need to give up things that are dear to her in order to make this happen but you can ask her what. 

Connection will really help her, so keep having these chats. Ask her how she feels one or twice per day. Talk about how she is coping with not gambling. Show interest and help her understand why she gambled....it's not financial I assure you. Again, not telling you what to do and you can leave all of this advice.

Don't get dragged into her recovery. She needs to do this for herself. It saddens me to say but you need to recover as well so please be kind to yourself and talk to the advisors to reach out for help.

Accountability, she needs to give you access to her money. If only to see her emails and banking app. Limit the cash she carries and check up on it. If she wants to give up she won't mind doing this. Ask her to put the blocks in place

Gamban

Gamstop

Moses

Sense

Reduce cash withdrawal limit, change banks to an online one like Monzo with no branches

Block gambling transactions on the bank

Go for walks together. That replaces dopamine and will help both of you if you can.

Sorry if this sounds like me telling you what to do, I'm genuinely trying to help and nothing more 

Hi,

I found out my wife was gambling in Apr last year, the biggest step i took was taking control of all money, it was hard for me initially as I hadn't taken an intrest im the family finances, we have been married 23 years this year.

I collated every penny we had left In to my own account, change our wages to go in to my account, you have to remove access to the money first and foremost.  With out doing this there is still the opportunity to gamble.

The debts will have to come later once you have established where you are, line in the sand and work out how you move forward. You will uncover more debts as the weeks and months progress.

But your wife needs to get the blocks in place, GamBan does actually work, I made my wife test it to prove to me it was working and the badges add extra incentives.

My wife is 11 months gamble free and working towards being a peer aid support worker, as am I as an affected others.  There is very little out there for male affected others, so feel free to reach out.

Hope that helps for now

Hi everyone, thank you so much for your words and guidance. I can't tell you how much it helps to log on here and know I've always got somewhere to talk. 

We went through everything, blockers in place, self exclusions live, I've got (access - sounds better than control) her finances, banking apps, physical cards. I guess I have to get used to the idea that they need to be with me at all times. 

We've reached out and both have our initial session on Thursday to assess our plan of action in dealing with her health, and to better understand what we're up against.  

Current she has no access to money, so I feel kess stressed, however this is the start of a long journey and one we will take together. I've no intention of losing my wife over this. We've done too much to throw it away!

I myself am very good when it comes to finances and always controlled the bills, contracts etc. My biggest fear ATM is how did I miss my wife building up 16k debt under my nose. I cannot understand how I've not seen it and worry that I won't see it in the future? 

I guess we need to understand her triggers and temptations to know this. 

I apologise for the jumble of a structure to this reply, I'm trying to type out everything at it pops into my head! 

Is there any messaging platforms, apps, where partners of addiction can chat or is it mostly through chat rooms and forums? 

Thank you all 

@r4xzd58khq this is the most useful I have found but there is an app I know Stuart and a few others from here really like called evive that is less forum based and has an app, I also use an app called recover me, but may need to speak to someone that can give you a link to that for free as I did but that helps you track days gamble free, has a goal setting section and a lot of self help videos and tutorials to control your journey as you see fit. We here are happy to offer advice and guidance and of your wife is comfortable coming here a lot of us can share our experience with her. In terms for you I can understand your worry about debt being built under your nose, but the fact she has come clean is a huge step and unfortunately the reality is gambling is a hidden addiction unlike alcohol or drugs that have a clear and obvious effect gambling can go about it's horrible work in silence without huge effects to the outside world while it solely consumes the addict, I am only 56 days gamble free and sorting out my debt and savings my marriage with my wife, she took control of finances and she sat down and gave me the reality I get sorted and get help or she won't be here and while I'm not suggesting that it's really nice to here you want to help and support your wife and don't want to lose the marriage over this, that's a really strong foundation to start recovering but a larger network of like-minded people is really helpful and why this forum works so well for me, I know the people on here have felt or are still feeling all the horrible effects gambling leaves behind, the guilt, shame, embarrassment and the struggle to fill the void it left, finding time filling hobbies or activities is a really beneficial step. But you sound like your doing a great job of helping her and being understanding and I admire you for that.

@zq7i2rjg1p thank you. 

I've got a call with Stuart on Thursday, so I shall bring this up to him. 

Today is the first day both my wife and me are back at work, and only the 3rd day since she confessed. I'm extremely worried when she's alone at work and although she can't gamble as she doesn't have any money I don't want her to feel alone, stressed, tempted etc. 

So I know today is going to be a struggle for us both. 

I'm going to be texting her through the day but I also don't want to suffocate her etc. 

Do you have any coping strategies that help when you feel that itch, maybe something me and my wife can do when we get home tonight when can help to de-stress her and just ground her after today? 

Best regards

Hi Lewis

That's so positive what you have said and I really admire your support to her. I know how cunning the addiction is so I have had many conversations with my partner telling her not to blame herself for anything she didn't notice. She doesn't have the illness so how could she notice and when in action I was able to manipulate and act like another person.

For me it helps to keep talking. What I've done each day on recovery and how I feel. It helps both of us

I'm going to suggest something out of the ordinary because I went to one recently. All GA groups have an open meeting once per year. You can find them on the GA website. At these, gamblers, family members and friends are welcome and they are truly powerful and could help both of you. Just something to bear in mind 

By the way Lewis, I won't be on tonight as I have my home GA meeting but nothing stops both of you separately or together coming on the 8pm chatrooms on here. It's text only and there is so much support and help in those rooms. Also, can I mention Gamfam who run zoom meetings, epic restart and if you go onto gamblersinrecovery website there are zoom meetings 24/7 for either of you. You don't have to speak if you don't want to. Just introduce yourself and turn camera on for a few seconds, then you can just listen 

@r4xzd58khq I'm going to provide a little insight to my gambling just to help myself answer your question around urges and itch and how to de-stress. So although addicted to gambling it wasn't my first addiction and probably wouldn't have been my last if I didn't tackle gambling like I have. I first looked for answers as to why did I gamble, what was I trying to achieve. The reality was just escape, I had a troubled upbringing and have been through life events most couldn't comprehend and never dealt with the emotional turmoil and it ate away at me, gambling was my way to escape feelings I didn't know how to process, to escape uncomfortable conversation or my past. I am an addict through trauma and that's important for my answer and this may or may not help you and your wife but the reality is when my wife told me I was gambling as much as I was I stopped, I looked for root cause and sought help, I started therapy and addressing my past and I don't and never really have had urges because for the first time I put myself first and am dealing with my past. This being said I don't think anyone here will be identical but to stop urges firstly just remind yourself why your doing this, the benefits to yourself. This isn't about helping anyone other than yourself, being better for yourself and making your future for yourself and that isn't me saying your wife doesn't care about you and you don't matter but if she doesn't help herself for her it's very difficult to sustain it. So she needs to find her triggers and root cause as well as being able to take urges and pushing them back if suggest finding a hobby or activity to do when she would usually gamble fill that time with something she enjoys, be that a long walk in the evening, a binge watch of trashy TV, reading books or some may even find reading educational texts about addiction specifically gambling addiction a good use of that time to first *** a better understanding before understanding how to deal with the road humps and difficulties that will come in the journey. Week 1 is the hardest week 2-3 are mentally brutal because after around 9 days your brain starts to detox of the pattern and chemicals that pattern left behind so expect some heavy mood swings and behaviour It got rocky for me there

Also I spoke to my therapist today and she was the one that gave me access to an app called recoverme if that is something you and your wife wish to do download the app and use code RECOVERME100 and it won't cost a penny to access has videos on all sorts to start self help