My wife just confessed all. What do I do

Once again, I'm blown away by all the replies. It means the world. Thank you. I'm keeping it simple tonight. I've bought some flowers for her and I'm going to make Jackie potatoes and suggest a puzzle for when she gets in from work. Hopefully this can also allow me to speak to her about her day and find out how she coped some stuff and just let her know that. Obviously I'm here to talking listening. Go off on that really. 

I'll. Update tomorrow. Hope your all have a great night!

Hi Lewis

Your wife is lucky to have you by her side to get through this 

@r4xzd58khq you my good sir are a saint, the way you have gone about the chaos that has been given to you and dealt with it in a supportive and caring manner is nothing sort of remarkable, I could imagine being in your shoes and reacting the same in honesty but I know for a fact your wife will appreciate that, she may not know it yet but your support and the way you seek help and understand is very rare in such early stages and it's something you should be incredibly proud of

Lewis

This is exactly how I felt and approached the topic,  still to this day im.shocked I didnt spot it, but thats mainly because i never had intrest in the financial side of the family.  It was only at the end of 2024 I started to.want to take an intrest and therfore we set up a.new bank account few months later its all discovered and my wife said its the best thing that could have happened.

I ahve supported her through the last 11 months and its like we have our old selves back, which we never thought we had lost.

Did a Breakeven Podcast last week on our journey, its out on 1st May

But I agree with somthing you said, there actually isnt much out there for the affect other male.... there is for affected others females but not males.  I am volunteering to become a peer aid for affected others so hopefully somthing i can help introduce

Take it easy and one day at a time

@4zm2jsecab thank you for your honesty. 

I really like when you said about your old selves back even though you never really lost it. This is my goal, as I'm sure everyone else would agree there are moments where we forget this has even happened and our goal really is to get that feeling more often until it's normal. 

Ive been looking for support podcasts but not had any joy. Can you recommend any please? 

I'm trying to a absorb as much information as I can. 

Thanks 

@zq7i2rjg1p thanks for your kind words, in the shorte space of time I've been on here, I know this is a very good channel for me to talk about my day or ways I want to apply this and that is because the support I'm recieving is great. I thank you all. 

Update. 

Wife loved the flower's and jackets. She thinks puzzle is me trying to pitty her, so we didn't do that. I might revisit at a later date when we both understand more. 

Instead we watched only fools and horses like we always do when we want to chill with laughter. 

Night all

@r4xzd58khq is a puzzle something you would ordinarily do together or a curve ball because you felt the need to break the normal pattern?? I only ask to try and understand her view, if you get time in the evening and you have always enjoyed watching Rodney and Del Boy then why change??? Because you feel like your pattern together has caused the issue?? This isn't me trying to accuse or make you feel bad but I think more reflect, and make sure you don't think it's your fault. If evenings watching OFAH is something you both enjoy and can have a cuddle on the couch and a chat while doing so then I'd say that's a great way, it's familiar, comfortable and safe, great conditions to be open and transparent with eachother. Something me and the wife started when my gambling came out was Sunday evening check ins, every Sunday when our two boys are in bed we tidy up from the day sit on the couch with a glass of whatever we drinking and ask eachother about the week, not the general day to day chit chat but the deeper how recovery has been for me, how therapy has been for us both, things we think went well this week and things that concerned us this week, it's a really nice way to wrap up a week and gives us both a solid idea of what page we are one not only as individuals but as a couple and as a family. For example this gone Sunday, my wife was happy with therapy as was I, I thought we'd had a good week but like I'd potentially done an slightly unfair split of early mornings or clean up from the boys and she felt she'd done too much of the housework and that I was starting to get short tempered with the boys around eating and meal times, which in reflection I was because they are a pain for snacking and not eating main meal. I had therapy on Tuesday and spoke about this and my therapist pointed out that it's because we are raising them in a safe secure house where food is never an issue, unfortunately I didn't have that as a child and the next meal wasn't guaranteed so it is a trigger for me, something I have to learn to manage. Anyway I'm rambling now 😂😂

@r4xzd58khq honestly, we are in such a good place, we really have gone back to the old way, dispite both being in our late 40s its like we are 20.again, just enjoying life and having a laugh.  Which we both though we already did.  But can both see now that the spark had gone because she was focused on the next fix of gambling.

I didnt find many support podcasts, but I did just watch random one of people that had been gambling, sports personalities are good ones, I liked watching Peter Shilton open up and express how his wife helped him.  There isnt much out there for a male afffect other.

Im wondering if a teams call open to male affected others would be of any use?  I know as men we like to hide behind the words, but im sure it could be a good idea?  Im only 11 months in to my journey and there will be more out there with so much more lived experience.

@zq7i2rjg1p firstly, I. Appreciate that you feel safe to ramble. As much as your all helpful to me,. I intend to be as helpful and strong for you. 

On reflection, the puzzle isn't something we would usually do, so I can understand why she feels it's out of nature. I'm glad she was open to tell me that and not just do it for my sake. 

Usually she sits on her phone as I'm watching a film, however I now know what she was doing, so I probably am looking for thing to fill the time. 

I want to make sure I'm  not focussing every minute on her enjoyment and I neglect mine,.as I don't want to feel like I'm here carer etc. 

@4zm2jsecab I agree wholeheartedly, I've been searching for specific male affected partners programmes but found none. 

So far my experience on here has been invaluable, and only 5 days into this journey so much to learn and much to do. 

@r4xzd58khq it's sometimes good to look for things you used to do, so me and my wife used to play games together board games, PC games or just solitaire but that stopped when my gambling got bad and we have started doing that again something the old us really enjoyed. It is important you don't lose yourself, your own time or enjoyment being a pillar of support for your wife and the community. It's been touched on that male affected others isn't a readily available help option and I think this underpins an unfortunate mantra in society that often men go alone emotionally and don't seek help, setting up help there isn't something I would know how to do as I'm not an affected I'm the addict but I can sympathise that there isn't much dedicated support aimed at males, I think it's also important to look on the flip side that while it is there female gambling addiction isn't something that is well studied or looked at as a whole, affected others for women is more available but for the addict being female I imagine can be intimidating or scary that they will be in a room full of men, that isn't always the case and the chat room here has a few females and the forum plenty. I'm going to probe a little into your wife and what she is doing to help herself, I may have met her on here and not known but not sure of she is on gamcare but it's important it's not you that chase the help, support and advice that isn't sustainable and if I'm honest it's unlikely to work long term she has to reach out also, I'd encourage her to join this community and open up, I'm currently in the process of writing my life story for the forum which o hope to publish before 100 days clean. Any questions I'm always happy to talk, listen or ramble as a friend

Today has been a struggle. 

I've spent every night and day researching, reading, listening to understand this illness my wife has. I often pass comments you guys have suggested to her and I understand your knowledge is far better than mine. 

I simply asked if she had reached out on here yet or done any research into the illness, and she rebuffed it so quickly saying she doesn't think she needs to. It brings her sadness talking about and guilt reliving it daily. 

That instantly annoyed me and upset me, I took it as her saying she thinks she's cured because she's gone 4 days without gambling. 

I implored her to reach out like I have and to research it as we need to understand the illness as we will be living with it for life. I told her I cannot be the only one researching this, she needs to want to understand it too. Am I misunderstanding the situation, is it just too soon to expect her to rationally want to research this?

I could just cry today tbh. I know it's still so raw and emotionally we are all over the place, but ice been replying over and over in my head how I will be a single dad of 2 with a single mortgage, almost as if I'm preparing myself so it hurts less of that did happen. Does that make sense? 

I've got a call tomorrow for my first therapy session, and so does my wife do hopefully the therapist will explain better than I can what works etc. 

I dunno, please tell me if ive acted wrong here, have I placed to much pressure on her too soon, and I pitying her too much? 

It's all so much, and it's so hard to fight back the tears. 

@r4xzd58khq  firstly take the pressure off yourself a little mate, this ain't your burden alone and this isn't your addiction to fix, I think what your doing is absolutely amazing and I'm going to be a bit brutal but honest here it sounds as if your wife thinks she is okay going it alone because she managed 4 days however the reality isn't that simple, I can understand her guilt and shame been there done that got that t-shirt bit having a support network and community is huge for recovery, it may be too soon for her and you might be putting pressure however I don't think that's a bad thing, it will take a few brutal conversations and likely a few tears, it's important to know she isn't rational or thinking like herself ATM but as a addict in detox and that's a rough place to be I'd suggest being firm but fair don't push her to do things she doesn't want to but equally don't ignore the topics you think are important for her. Therapy should help her shift that guilt a little, do you know about why she gambled?? The root cause often unearths a lot of good ways to help. But please don't beat yourself up and don't pity her or look at worst case, preparing for worst case and packing the bags emotionally albeit metaphorically will make connecting as a couple really hard, how do you feel as a couple are you still well connected and how old are your kids ?? Just trying to get a better outlook on the situation

@r4xzd58khq also worth noting crying is allowed dude, don't think that crying is a bad thing, d**n I cried for about 2 days straight at the start of my journey, as the addict that's wife had threatened to leave with my two boys I was a mess, if you scroll far enough in the new entries and recovery diaries to my firsts posts they are rough