My wife just confessed all. What do I do

@zq7i2rjg1p hey, 

Yeah I agree I'm possibly putting to much pressure on myself, but I'm so determined to get her better and to make this family stronger. I guess there's going to be plenty of days like this so I need to learn myself how to properly navigate my emotions. 

Our kids are 12 boy & 8 girl. They obviously don't know and they cherish the ground my wife walks on. 

She lost both her parents within, then this started just as she lost the 2nd parent, so I understand how hard and heavy that must be, I cannot comprehend losing my parents. 

Can I ask you something?

How long have you been gamble free, (apologies if I'm not meant to ask that or ice missed it) 

How important has your other half been in your recovery? 

Is your wife on here as a affected partners?

@r4xzd58khq yes it's important you don't pressure yourself into fixing her. Your role here isn't to fix bit to support that's really important because otherwise she will feel like she is flawed or broken.. I can understand the difficulty of losing a parent my mother died just over a year ago and that was the trigger for my gambling spiralling out of control. You can ask me anything and everything I am an open book, I am 58 days gamble free today, and I count days over periods of time like weeks because every day I wake up and remind myself just for today I choose not to gamble and to be the best version of me, one day at a time. My wife is incredible and supportive now at first she was hurt and scared and didn't understand but gave me a chance to show her I was helping myself, and that is important and is for all addicts is getting help for yourself, not to day others can't matter but for example if your wife tries to get better for your or the kids it's a lot harder than of she does it for herself. My wife tried coming here early in my recovery and joined a woman's only affected others chatroom and found it very unhelpful a lot of woman telling her to run and leave me I wasn't the one for her and she didn't want that she wanted help. However she is seeing a private therapist for issues within herself and my gambling amongst over issues. If you'd like more information about myself, my family, wife or story feel free to ask anything and I'll reply when I can

@zq7i2rjg1p I appreciate that. You've been so helpful Already! 

I do have questions so I will take you up on that. 

Does your wife control the finances etc?

If so you have an allowance, and how long was it untill you were allowed that. How much?

At the start when your wife knew, did she do every household task or children caring etc. To give you space. (Reason I ask, is I'm unsure if I should be doing everything round the house or chores etc) Should I let me wife do this too ? 

Appreciate it man..

Cheers. 

@r4xzd58khq to give you a bit more clarity and back story on this I need to tell you more about my situation. So effectively my gambling was escaping reality and emotions I never learnt how to process, my mum passing left a lot of unresolved emotions and feelings so I gambled to escape, was missing bills and council tax and took loans I amounted just shy of 14k debt in 12months and had a letter from council about council tax through the door while I was working the wife opened it and saw I'd missed 3 months and they were threatening bailiffs and court, she then opened the rest of the mail that day addressed to me and one was from loans. She then called me out and gave me two options lie again and she leaves or I get home and opened my bank accounts and statements and am honest. So I didn't come clean I got caught very different from your wife in that regard. I wanted help just never knew how to approach it with my wife or anyone else for that matter but when I got caught it was a huge relief and I came clean and immediately gave access to my banks and then started the process of changing my wages to be paid into her account and all my bills out of her account. I don't get an allowance, I ask when I need money and get sent the exact amount, however we are open and honest and in a dmp for the debt so we both know the incoming and outgoings. In regards to housework, I took the opportunity of recovery to address niggling issues in the marriage and rebuild stronger so sat for that awkward conversation of things that have niggled at us both, for my wife that was me leaving housework and children to her and I felt more like a third child. For me that was distance and less time as a couple not a family and feelings like I always initiated intimacy. So no she didn't give me distance and less work Infact I took on more household work and child care or time with kids and that helped me as I often gambled late night or early morning. For content our two boys are 18months and 4 years so early mornings with them and also just more effort to be there and be present when I was home, generally being a better father figure and husband. But something I do find difficult because my upbringing was tough. Any time you have questions for me, about me or anything you want my opinion perspective on I'm always around just mention me in comment and as soon as I can I'll reply get emails for all replies on this topic 😀 but hope that can be some help and any further questions fire away.

@r4xzd58khq to give you a bit more clarity and back story on this I need to tell you more about my situation. So effectively my gambling was escaping reality and emotions I never learnt how to process, my mum passing left a lot of unresolved emotions and feelings so I gambled to escape, was missing bills and council tax and took loans I amounted just shy of 14k debt in 12months and had a letter from council about council tax through the door while I was working the wife opened it and saw I'd missed 3 months and they were threatening bailiffs and court, she then opened the rest of the mail that day addressed to me and one was from loans. She then called me out and gave me two options lie again and she leaves or I get home and opened my bank accounts and statements and am honest. So I didn't come clean I got caught very different from your wife in that regard. I wanted help just never knew how to approach it with my wife or anyone else for that matter but when I got caught it was a huge relief and I came clean and immediately gave access to my banks and then started the process of changing my wages to be paid into her account and all my bills out of her account. I don't get an allowance, I ask when I need money and get sent the exact amount, however we are open and honest and in a dmp for the debt so we both know the incoming and outgoings. In regards to housework, I took the opportunity of recovery to address niggling issues in the marriage and rebuild stronger so sat for that awkward conversation of things that have niggled at us both, for my wife that was me leaving housework and children to her and I felt more like a third child. For me that was distance and less time as a couple not a family and feelings like I always initiated intimacy. So no she didn't give me distance and less work Infact I took on more household work and child care or time with kids and that helped me as I often gambled late night or early morning. For content our two boys are 18months and 4 years so early mornings with them and also just more effort to be there and be present when I was home, generally being a better father figure and husband. But something I do find difficult because my upbringing was tough. Any time you have questions for me, about me or anything you want my opinion perspective on I'm always around just mention me in comment and as soon as I can I'll reply get emails for all replies on this topic 😀 but hope that can be some help and any further questions fire away.

@r4xzd58khq I can add to this

My wife initially controlled our finances, as I said i never took an intrest in them for years..they day she opened up was the day I took "control" im not a controlling person but at that moment in time I had to take control.  I removed all money from her, when I was away id give her enough money in to her account for the weekly shop and id ask for proof of purchase.  This tough because it felt like I was controlling her, but that allows to build trust again.

She would then return what was left, I then began to allow her to keep the chamge as a further test and build trust.  This grew over time, she doent have an allowance but she knows that if she needs ro buy somthing she can, still 11 months later she sends me proof of purchase even though I say I dont need it now.

Controlling the money has now changed to me being the financial manager haha,

There are three parts the to puzzle, Money, Access and Time.

Removing the money is the key step, removing access to the money will help her stop

Access, mainly her role,.adding Gamban and excluding from site will prevent access to those sites.

ATime, is for both of you, find ways to fill this new found time together, we have the old us back as we spend more time enjoying each other's company 

Hope that helps

Hi Lewis

You are getting some really good advice and I'm only reiterating but

Please slow down. There is no quick fix for either of you and you can't do everything at once. One good way to do that, might sound alien but is good on YouTube look for guided meditation,  grab a ten minutes one and just do exactly what they say. Do this one per day in the morning and whenever you need to. It works !!!! Only takes about 3, then it works.

As Jake said, it's not healthy for you to want her recovery more than her. Don't try and mind read or tell her what to do. Just signpost gently and not bombard her. She's starting with therapy which is a good move. 

She's on a thing called the pink cloud. She won't have urges because it's so raw after telling you. Just act normal. Try and talk which I know you are, maybe go for a family walk. Most of all take it easy. 

Your wife will no doubt come to a decision yeah cold turkey doesn't work, but let her do that. 

As always, thanks for your feedback! 

You can tell I'm new here, I'm saying thanks in every opening sentence in my posts 😂.  I mean it though, I appreciate it. 

My wife's wages are still in her account, however she doesn't have access to this. So I can control the monetary struggles etc, as well as make sure the debt is paid off. 

I'm not a controlling person in any way, so yeah this part sucks. 

We tried to get a 0% card to get them all on one payment but she didn't qualify unfortunately and I can't take this in my name as that enabling I guess. 

@4zm2jsecab can I ask, during these 11 months, have there been any relapses? 

Hope that's not too brazen a question 

Hi Lewis

I get the enabling comment but maybe that's for down the line. By the way, don't want to frighten you but have you checked both of your credit files ? 

I'm hoping she has completely emptied her dustbin and told you everything. If she has forgotten and tells you another thing, just say is that everything, let's get it all out in the open 

@r4xzd58khq you'll get used the the fact addicts are often happy to help others in there journey, it's really good for their own recovery as they reflect and learn more about themselves by applying their situation to yours, my aim in recovery is to go into either peer support or counselling to help more people as I think gambling as an addiction is one that doesn't get much attention or respect for its effects because it isn't easy to spot or see the damage it causes unlike alcohol or drugs so people assume it's less damaging but it's absolutely crippling as the addict I lost all sense of myself, dignity and respect for myself, I felt worthless and hated the choices i had made but knee it was going to cause huge issues when it came out and never found the courage to do that before being caught. So while your wife may appear disinterested in seeking help the courage it took to confront it and be honest with you is a great sign she isn't in denial anymore

@lp5vut869c evening Stuart!  How're you. 

Yeah I think this was the reason she confessed to me, she's exhausted all her options for money. 

I'm very good with money like I've mentioned and I'm very a**l about my credit score so I. Know she hasn't used my names etc. 

@zq7i2rjg1p that's a beautiful thing to say, and makes me feel much better. She did, she confessed and that takes huge amount of guts. 

I've been using AI to help me understand this illness too. 

Have you used it for this purpose?

@r4xzd58khq yes it does take guts a lot of guts, I never managed I had to be caught which broke my wife's trust way worse than if I'd come clean to her myself. I haven't used AI and id exercise caution with AI for understanding this illness because it's a tough one. This is a bit of a shot in the dark but given what I know about your wife and situation it sound to me like she is using gambling as a mask to hide the pain of losing her parents, something you may find helpful to understand this better is a YouTube video from a Doctor named Gabor Matè he done a lot of research relating trauma to gambling and the how and why we do it, I'd also suggest a video by Brene Brown who while doesn't relate it to gambling talks about vulnerability and the power of that and self worth, the two of these videos combined gave me a much better understanding of why I gambled

Morning all. 

We both have our session today, so I will let you all know how we get on. 

Hope your all have a great day!

@r4xzd58khq  best of luck, don't know who you got sessions with or if you spoke to your wife about it prior to the event but I'd implore you both to go into session as an open book and get everything on the table I found my first fee sessions I was being reserved and while it was helpful only when I broke down and let it all come out did it begin to help fix my issues and my past. Been diagnosed with complex PTSD bordering on DiD ( dissociative identity disorder) but that gives me a part of me I can work on fixing but also understanding and makes understanding the choices I've made and how I rationalised much easier to understand