Winning big is a curse

I needed to write this somewhere and I found this website. I haven't told anyone about this and I don't think I ever will but the guilt is killing me. 

I had a relapse in December after almost a year of not gambling at all. I first lost €300 and didn't gamble more until I got paid. I won some money, which I withdrew but started putting it back. My mistake was not closing my account before it got to the point I'm in today. I lost other 3k after and at the beginning of this month I got some taxes back and put more in. I managed to win a large amount in one night and I regret this so much. I've never won so much in my life. I withdrew some money straight away but I had a withdrawal limit per day. The adrenaline hit me and instead of going to sleep I stayed up all night gambling the rest away hoping to win more. I didn't know how much I was hoping to win because the money I won is a huge amount of money. I was mentally making plans with it but it was gone in 1 night. I had the some money in my bank account the next day but I started chasing loses and ended up depositing it all in. I won again with my last money and I said this is it, I'm done but I could only withdraw a bit until 3 days later  because my withdrawal weekly limit has been reached. I had a bad fight with my partner that evening and ended up playing again while crying. I felt relieved when I decided to stop but for me to actually stop I need not to play at all anymore. I said I'll stop at a minimum but obviously I didn't. I ended up losing everything again. Now I'm fully broke, I sold my pocket camera and have that left but it's not enough to cover my rent and debt for February until I get paid. 

I'm travelling home in 10 days too for my brother's 18th birthday. I wanted to pay for it as my family is not well off. I was mentally making plans to help my family financially and it's all gone. I feel very deep regret that I can't sleep nor eat properly. It's been 3 weeks since then. I dream about it and wake up stressed. I can't even talk to my family because I feel guilty for what I did. I shouldn't have gambled in the first place or I should have closed my account last month. Now I'm begging my partner to get a loan for me as it's easier to pay off than borrowing it as I can't pay it back in full until April. I don't feel good about myself, asking someone to get a loan for me after I wasted so much money that I could have used to better my life. I already have 1 loan and 1 overdraft so my loan application was rejected. 

Last year I also stopped when I didn't have anything left. Gambling is not something I have to touch at all because it affects me not only financially but mentally too. I already suffer from depression so I really hope I'll never have a relapse again. I can stop but it's always after I'm broke, never after a win. I don't even know how I started again in December, I didn't have ro, I was doing ok...I just want to be normal again, work and be happy with what I have and find escape in healthy hobbies.

But I really think winning big was a curse for me, it caused me so much distress that I don't know when I'll forgive myself for this.