Hello, Thank you for visiting my recovery diary, 1 Million Reasons.
A while ago, I was quite active on this forum.. and to put things nicely.. a fair few mistakes were made after I ceased posting. I've gone through a period of very few ups, and many, many downs. Financially, right now I am at break point, and roughly a years salary in debt (It's manageable, just about). The Sunday just gone was my blowout day. Now is the time for me to take my first proper steps to never gamble a penny again. I proved to myself that I could live a life without gambling before, and this time I must be stronger. I can be stronger, and I will be.
To introduce things, I'm 23, and have knowingly had a gambling problem since the age of 16 or 17. It was only after I graduated from University (shortly before the age of 21), that my stakes (and losses) significantly increased, and I saught help. I visited gamblers annonymous, and heard stories about how people had taken out payday loans and gotten themselves into debt. This information only added fuel to the fire. I never knew how easy it was to gain access to money (pay day loans), without even needing to leave the house. And this spiral has only gotten worse since then. I currently owe just short of a years salary, which is being deducted from my wages each month, leaving me with absolutely bare minimum to live on. I strongly encourage anybody reading this to never, ever get into this kind of thing. Interest spirals and spirals, and before long you are paying back more than double what you borrowed, or much, much more.
To further complicate things, unfortunately I am unable to share my problem with any of my family, or my girlfriend, I was on my absolute final chance with them, and their trust in me is shorter than a piece of string. I do not want to lose my relationship with any of them, and because of that I will never come out about how deep my problem is to them. I don't have anybody I'd consider to be a 'friend'... aside from my family and girlfriend, I am only really in regular communication with poeple I will call 'gambling associates' - people I met through gambling, and people I no longer wish to engage with. So I am therefore alone in this problem, aside from this forum and my own mental strength and willpower.
Roughly 2 years ago, I was on the counselling scheme that Gamcare provides, and I managed roughly 150 days gamble-free, followed by a short relapse, and then a further 135 days. I am considering whether it's worth contacting Gamcare again, and asking about whether this service is available again. I'll be updating this diary every now and again to document my progress, talk about my current mindset, and anything else that comes to mind.
Over the past year or so, I've let a lot of people down, and I've let myself down, more than I could ever attempt to believe. I want to personally apologise to every user of this forum that followed my previous journey. I have always been a much happier person when I wasn't gambling, I was motivated, I felt positive, and I believe I was a nice person to be around. Gambling turns me into a depressed stresshead, and it's a miracle how I'm still somehow appreciated by my girlfrend and family. I want to go back to how things were, back to a gamble-free life. That starts right here, right now.
Small edit to this post: I don't intend to log into or even look at my old account on here - I don't want to look back at what things were like - I only want to look forward, and keep looking forward.
That's all for now 🙂
-RyanMustStop
I find reading my old diary very useful. I can spot things that I started doing that were unhelpful and not make those mistakes again. Also, I can repeat some of the things that were working in order to improve my non-gambling habits.
Well done on making a new start.
Ryan - welcome (back) to the forum.
You've clearly made a good step in arriving back here and demonstrating positive intent to quit. Based on my own journey - which is by no means 'gospel' - I'd encourage you to consider honesty with your girlfriend and family. Perhaps not immediately... since I know it can feel like there is nothing emptier/more pathetic than crying for help straight after a big loss, then finding yourself back gambling shortly afterwards. This destroys your own resolve and confidence, and makes family and friends lose faith. Perhaps you could put some concrete plans in place: get back to GA, contact gamcare, contribute regularly on here - then if you decide to confide in those close to you a month or two down the line, you can show them genuine conviction in wanting to stop.
I can only speak of my own experience... but I was amazed and humbled that my girlfriend (now wife) and family stuck with me - provided they could see I was trying to deal with the situation in an adult manner. They were often angry, dismissive, upset (and froze me out) but I clawed back their trust over time. My point being that I only really stood a genuine chance of recovery if I was totally honest with myself and those around me. Nowadays, I don't shout from the rooftops that I'm a compulsive gambler, but I don't make a secret of it either. If someone asks me, I tell them.
Do what is right for you. Wishing you strength and good luck
D123
Thanks for posting on my diary Ryan. You have shown amazing resolve in the past to be gamble free for long periods - sometimes it takes getting to what is rock bottom to really wholeheartedly know that you truelly not only want to give up but need to. When you are at the bottom the only way is up. I believe in you. Believe in yourself. You can do it. Xx
Good luck with your recovery Ryan, I'm currently on day 22 so hopefully we can get past these early stages together
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