50p or 50k

Hi Sapphira

Thanks for taking time to post on my thread... Really appreciated your jigsaw analogy. I love a good analogy. In response to your question, black days still exist in my world - but now I actively looking for signs in my existence to counteract them. A dear friends nephew passed away yesterday after losing a fight with cancer... Only 18 years old. Was told as a baby only 5% chance of living. Live for the moment.
Just saw the most horrific car crash driving my boy home from an activity. Again... Stay on guard at all times and live for the moment. Interpretation of signs help me to at least manage the black days somewhat.

Don't you think it's somewhat bizarre that you woke up thinking you lost then remembered you won? I worry that gambling is so entrenched in your system now that it has become like brushing your teeth... Nobody really sits there analysing which teeth their brushing and pays care and attention to the act of brushing... It's pretty much a task we just complete without much care or attention. If gambling is not about winning or losing for you and is just a task you are compelled to complete within your daily routine I strongly urge you to get help... GP - referral for psychotherapeutic intervention.

Secondly... Always remember that you didn't win. It was a loss disguised as a win. The only way you can emerge victorious over gambling is if you put the work in and keep working on yourself until your armoury is so strong that gambling struggles to find a way in. 2 months ago I was in a mess... Now due to the amount of work I've put in, Gamcare, and GA, if we met on the street I reckon I could look you in the eye and tell you I am far far away from the next bet at this point in my life. Do you reckon you could do the same to me? Who is really winning then?

Which brings me on to my last point. I am really worried about you in relation to the pull of gambling to remedy feelings of loss and bereavement. I appreciate what a very sensitive area this is to make comment on but I don't want to be on these forums in a year or twos time and be reading the same pain and problems in your diary... If you've even bothered to keep writing by then because gambling still has you and you've given up on the diary. I think you need someone to tell you outright that if you continue to cling onto gambling as a medicine to cure the pain of your loss... It will continue to have that hold over you moving forward. Because the loss of your husband is going to be there forever of course... And until you find an alternative medicine to take... Gambling is only going to accentuate that pain... I know you know all this... I know you do.

If ever I have come across someone who desperately needs to see their GP about bereavement counselling or psychotherapy here it is now. Please please go get help for your loss and start addressing that pain constructively. I've told you this before but i (call it a gift) have a strong sense from you that you have so much to offer this world once you have broken free of the shackles of gambling. But every time you use gambling as a way to remedy pain you tighten those shackles. May I remind you again that you wake up not even remembering if you won or lost anymore. 'fargone' is a term that springs to mind... But not hopelessly lost or your wouldn't even be posting on here in here on the first place. I hate to be so direct with you Sapphira but please... Just go get help of some nature. I implore you to do this. If you read my early posts a man called ALN and another called A9 spoke very directly with me... The insights they offered pretty much saved my life (in my mindset at that time... This is no exaggeration). I'm sure ALN or A9 were trying to be a heroes... They were just trying to help. My intentions are the same.

At my next meeting where we spend a minute silence thinking of those who are still out there struggling with gambling my thoughts will be with you.

Signalman, thank you so very, very much for your post. I'm touched that you spent all that time to write that.

I posted early this morning about my loss and it's impact and how I longed for a bit of peace and serenity. To be honest I'm glad I was able to delete as it was worthy of a visit from the men in white coats. Just one of many posts I have written and deleted recently. I write in jest about the men in white coats but the sentiment is very real as no well-balanced person would ever have behaved the way I have. I truly believe I've been wading through some kind of "silent" emotional/mental collapse for months I don't live alone, I went back to stay at my family home following my loss so have been spared loneliness in the physical sense but the "aloneness" is truly something else. You are 100% correct, gambling is so entrenched in me that I fear it may be virtually impossible to extricate from. I have gambled everyday for 18months and even have a list of sites/dates/amounts. That's shocking. That level of preoccupation with gambling is akin to an alcoholic having vodka instead of coffee for his "elevenses". It's separated me emotionally from family and friends and I don't know how to rectify that. How I haven't made a loss I will never know. That night I last gambled I almost lost all my deposit but I didn't even win, just drew even so that was several hours wasted just trying to recoup a loss.

I can't believe how absolutely spot on you are in your observation of my situation, it's uncanny. It could also be as well that it's obvious to many apart from me. You know what they say, "An onlooker see's more of the game ...." In relation to my loss it's like I've experienced it, but not confronted it and now the thought of having to is causing immense anxiety and panic. It shouldn't be so. I'm actually having the same conversations with myself now, as I was in the first few months after it happened. Before I deleted my post earlier today I had written that loss and gambling have a similarity in that you lose a kind of innocence that you never thought you had. I can see a long, difficult path ahead.

I remember reading your diary in the early weeks, how desperate, fraught and fearful you sounded, I was mesmerised then by the strength you had and through all that Hell you lived to tell the story (just!) and are still doing so I may go back and read some more as I'd be interested to re- read ALN's comments as well.. I remember people giving you some excellent support and words of knowledge and wisdom, and now you yourself are in a tentatively better place to offer it to others and me, and I'm appreciative of it.

I didn't make a repeat performance of that last gambling episode but about an hour ago I was drawn to doing so. My tablet wouldnt load and I came here instead and saw your post on my Diary. How deeply ashamed I would have been knowing someone had taken the time to write such a heartfelt response had I have actually gambled. So, your timely piece was an uncanny intervention.

Thanks also for saying you'd give me a thought at your next meeting, it's a kind gesture.

I'm really sorry you've had such a bad week, its awful whats happened. Yes it does make you remember how important life is now, compared to immersing ourselves in the fake, fantasy realm of gambling.

Wishing you a calm and relaxing Friday. Thanks again.

Haven't gambled for 3 days today.

Today I have emailed Gambling Therapy website for help/support/guidance. I don't know what they will say.

Hello friend

1) huge congrats on 3 days GF. Days are long, days are hard... But every gamble free day is healing.

2) don't isolate yourself further with all this talk about men in white coats. Gambling thrives on isolation. We are/were all bonkers to do what we did and consequent behaviours that manifested after... What you've described so far at least many others have thought, experienced and been through. It's a dangerous game you play convincing yourself that you should be carted off to an asylum because of your thoughts and actions... Listen if that were the case they wouldn't be enough space in the asylum to house us all.. here we only meet the people who step forward and take ownership of their addiction and there are a fair few on here... Imagine the amount of people out there that haven't and live secret lives... Chuck them in the equation and thats a sizeable number... Just remember - you're never alone with gambling addiction, apart from when you're gambling. The choice is ultimately yours who you'd rather keep company with. I know the pull of gambling is mega powerful but keep remembering - you have a choice.

3) you haven't made a financial 'loss' thus far but you are wide open to a huge financial loss each day you keep the door open for the next bet. By saying things like "I don't know how I haven't made a loss" you are almost conceding that at some point your going to blow your finances to smithereens... Its scary talk Sapphira... Why oh why don't you put blocks in... They saved my a**e in the early days... You do get that at the beginning of GF days you are weak and putty in the hands of gambling... But as each day passes you get stronger and stronger until one day you are the hand and gambling is the putty? You get that right? Blocks in!!!

4) in the spirit of offering you a 'feedback sandwich' (one of the many pitiful communication tools I learnt about when on management training) :o) I just wanted to say proper well done on emailing the gambling therapy website. Excellent move in the right direction. You should be prouder of that move than the move of going to gamble then changing your mind today (in my humble opinion)

Please keep going on this path. You can do this. Please give the gambling therapy website a chance to respond and see where that takes you. Good luck.

Dear Sapphira,

so pleased to hear that you are reaching out for help to Gambling Therapy, I wholeheartedly agree with Signalman’s sentiments, it is time that you start healing from your grief, and for that we sometimes need professional support. Please keep pursuing it if it takes some time to get you the help. If you are a GB resident we can also offer you counselling support. And I would also recommend that you look at the Cruse website as well.
Wishing you all the very best,

Eva
Forum Admin

"We dance for laughter - We dance for tears

We dance for madness - We dance for fears

We dance for hopes - We dance for screams

We are the dancers

We create the dreams"

Thanks so much Stephen and Signalman for spending some time to offer kind words. I've dropped by each of your diaries

Thanks Eva as well, I've had 1-2-1 counselling with Cruse before, at the time it was a negative experience but I will have another look at their website.

Thanks again to all.

Hello Diary.

It's 123am and I really should know better than be up at this time. That's what having previously gambled at all kinds of hours does to you, wrecks your body clock but at least time on here is time spent wisely. Besides, it's no use worrying about missed beauty sleep at this stage, that train left the station a long time ago. There are few things as aging as late nights spent bog-eyed watching the spins go round on a tablet.

I have been able to get in touch with Gambling Therapy and they replied. It doesn't look as if they do email support, or at least they didn't offer it but they did suggest the text service. I don't know if this is real-time or not, I will have to read further. I may self-refer for NHS counselling to help with my bereavement but to be honest this is a very questionable "may". It feels too scary. I will however check out the Cruse website as advised.

I will update my diary next week and hopefully I'll be able to say I have not gambled.

Thanks again for all previous responses, I'm in awe of people's kindness

Speak soon.

re beauty sleep... Since stopping gambling I have a sleep pattern now and get at least 8-9 hours sleep a night... Feel amazing for it! Highly recommended! I feel beautiful inside at least :o) I'm sure the sleep has a lot to do with it...

Sapphira wrote:

I may self-refer for NHS counselling to help with my bereavement but to be honest this is a very questionable "may". It feels too scary.

Speak soon.

I have no idea of the pain you are experiencing re your loss and I can only assume that the fear you speak of are the feelings and emotions that you will be forced to confront if undergoing a course of therapy... However as mentioned i believe things will have to get worse before they get better so would strongly urge you to go through with the NHS referral... I still think things will only get worse with gambling. You don't always win with gambling... When you eventually lose - you'll either take the hit and feel real low or perhaps like in my case relinquish all sense of rational thinking and responsibility in the pursuit of trying to get money back and do the whole lot in the end... Either way the pain you're already harbouring + the pain caused by this inevitability is a strong and terrible combination. The ups and downs of gambling, grieving your loss... it's no wonder you describe feeling so 'weak' at times. I feel for you. People (hippies mainly) talk about being 'centred' for prosperity - the mix ive just described is the furthest thing away from getting to that point isn't it? It's a terrible tonic... Don't take any more of it!
Alleviate the personal pain if you can then you'll have more capacity to beat down this will to gamble. Put the work in and I believe you'll be ok. Be brave. Good luck. Keep in touch.

Hope you didn't gamble today.

Sapphire, addicts are very adept @ feeling lonely in a roomful of people so please don’t feel that just because you have people round you you shouldn’t be hurting

Gambling is not just akin to alcoholism, it is the same...Addiction is addiction regardless of what poison we pick up! This isn’t about money but it is progressive so just because you aren’t showing a loss yet doesn’t mean you will always “get away with it”.

You have suffered a heart wrenching loss & gambling is a temporary anaesthetic that numbs you to your pain whilst you are in action...Problem is, not only is is temporary but it’s also incredibly destructive because it chips away @ your good bits, makes you feel worthless & further isolates you.

As far as the counselling goes, don’t give up...I’m told you sometimes have to kiss a few frogs & whilst you will never get over your loss, you will be able to explore healthier ways of managing your hurt & your fear.

I spent hours & hours on GamCare when I first stopped gambling, I was completely addicted to it but as you say, it’s a much less harmful way to spend time than spinning wheels! Like signalman, my beauty is radiating inside, unlike him, my body clock is still shot & tiredness has a tendency to exacerbate any low mood/feeling I may experience! But, what I can say with absolute certainty is it isn’t unmanageable anymore! With the tools I have now, it’s just tiredness & I’ve got a 100% record of surviving my tired days so if you find yourself here @ 2/3 in the morning don’t beat yourself up about it!

I get that you’re scared but you’re here by choice which means you’re way stronger than you realise! Baby steps are fine, just keep fighting - ODAAT

Hello

Thank you ODAAT for your words, they are really appreciated. I read a lot of your diary last week was totally absorbed by it - even at 2am. I appreciate your reply very much.

Signalman Thanks as well for your reply. I hope your will is still holding you up and getting you through. Wise words of wisdom in your reply as ever and appreciated.

Not in a good place myself since early weekend. Don't know if it's because I have not gambled but all I can focus on is my loss and now without the anesthetic of gambling it's all laid out for me in full and glorious HD. Feel like I'm losing my mind, absolutely dreadful.

Take care all who who have read this.

Hi

Ride it out if you can. Just get through the day then rest and get through tomorrow. Pain is part of the process I'm afraid... That's what I'm learning anyway. We can send each other good vibes when one is down and the other is up... Like I'm doing now. Just don't gamble!! Take care

Hey, hope you’re doing ok!

Thanks both, I've dropped by your diaries to say thanks as well.