A Focal Point - A line a day. Keep the Demons away

Hi Kev1don,

Welcome to the forum. Yes, recovery is a daily battle. It's about investing in yourself and creating new positive habits so updating here daily is a great idea.

The reality is if we invest just a fraction of the time we used to find to gamble everyday into our recovery its not that much to ask really. I am a routine person so a huge part for me was breaking habits/patterns. The forum did that for me especially in those first few months and continues to do so. The chatrooms I also find good too, I went through the gamcare counsellng process which I'd also recommend you look at but you don't need to tackle everything right now. Just focus on not gambling for today.

You've made the most important first step.

All the best on your journey to a gamble free life m8.

Hi Tommy,

Thanks for your message - Means a lot to know people are listening. I have an appointment with a councelor for next week, i am stepping in the right direction. Too many years wasted already, not prepared to waste any more.

This is the last time i quit gambling.

So yesterday was day 1. Today i got myself booked into see someone from the RCA trust on Monday next week. Its a few days away but it's not like i have any money to gamble right now so i can hold off till then. This is my focal point for the next 5 days and i hope that my meeting next week will start to uncover the underlying issues. I have taken practical steps, my finances are under someone elses control, i have software installed on my devices. I spoke to someone from Gamcare last night and pointed me in a bit of direction.

I have some current financial strain, i will open up to a freind and ask if they can help me one last time. I had to lie to my girlfriend at the weekend about money - i really don't want to bring her into this yet. Maybe after i have stopped for a while i can talk to her about it.

I hope that things work out over the next few weeks - the next payday is looming over me as it will be my first big challenge but my determination stands strong.

Today i opened up to my best freind, told him how bad my current situation is. He's going to call me later and see how he can help financially. To be honest it might not be enough but i need to try and sort something out. My mum was asking about money today which i have said i will sort it out but no further details.

Why do we do it to ourselves? That's the question i need the answer to. I can not be back in this type of situation again. I have been here too many times

Once upon a time i took all of my money to the Casino, i mean all of it. I was getting a flight in the morning. I gambled every penny away. Even on the last spin of Roulette i knew i had lost before the numbers came in. I had to walk 10 miles at 3am to get back for 8 to go to the airport for 9. The whole way back i was fuming, depressed, angry. Swearing to myself i would never gamble again. That was around a year and a half ago and i have still consistently gambled my wages every time i get paid.

I really hope this councelling sets my unconcious mind at rest and i get this habit kicked because of it. Writing here every night is helping already as it's a constant reminder, instead of getting caught unawares after mentally recovering from what i did to myself the last time.

Anyway - Another day down on my road to recovery. Lets take tomorrow as another step in the right direction

Hi Kev and welcome to this forum.

I think it is really good to be able to identify your thoughts and feelings. That way, you are able to identify that you actually have a problem. Pay day was my biggest downfall. Make sure you have everything covered. It sounds like you have. For once, be kind to yourself and not those gambling organisations, and keep your salary for yourself and your family instead. You will feel so much better.

Take care and stay positive. Things will become so much better if you do.

Our Lady

Thanks Our Lady,

I like how you have Payday "was" your biggest downfall.... I want to be in a position to say the same soon enough.

The strangest thing for me is so far ive been tough in a lot of other situations but not resillient in not gambling. Momentum has slowed down a little bit since i started writing this a few days ago but i think this is the big issue. Im almost mentally over the fall from last time and my brain will start to relax. I need to keep at this, my alarm will go off every day to do it.

Still a lot of uncertaintity with money at the minute. Something needs to happen very soon or i will have to tell my girlfriend.

Positive today and more of the same tomorrow.....

I had a good day today - Pressure was lifted a bit as my freind helped me hafway to what i need. I was almost myself in work today. Managed to not spend anything on gambling. Did think about it as i was walking past a few book makers. Having this was a thought to steer away from it and having my appointment on Monday as well. I have one week to sort out the rest of the money i need. It's not a lot but it needs to get sorted. 2 winning roulette spins would sort me out. However - i know that if i go in and do win the first two i wont stop there. Today i knew it and every day i need to remind myself.

I might sound like a broken record but i never want to be here again. I have been in bad situations many a time due to gambling but this is the first time i could really ruin my relationship over it. i have lost freinds along the way but i don't want to lose her.

i have read a lot of people saying that recovery is not a one size fits all - it's a good thing. It needs to come from yourself at the beginning where i am now, i have to embace the changes i need to make and really accept the consequences of my actions can be devastating.

Another day free. Happy days.

Another good day today - I transferred money into an account outwith my control. I don't think i needed to do it the way i am feeling about gambling right now (Positive) However there is no point in having any temptation as this early stage.

I have kind of fallen out with the family - i will sort it in the next few months but right now it is ok. I need to focus on myself, get me to where i need to be, then use this energy to fix my mistakes. Looking forward to Monday to begin some councelling.

With regards to my financial pressure. I have thought of a few avenues. Not all of them easy to go down but hopefully one pulls off and then i can really breathe. Even if it gets sorted i can't relax moving forward as this is when i am at my most vulnerable. Too quick to forget the devastating effects and situations that gambling has put me through.

I find myself coming on here a few times a day - to read over what ive written and to look at other posts. Its unreal how much of other peoples stories i can relate to. I have seen problem gamblers in the bookies before. The ones that are talking to themself and have that zombie look about them but it is great to read peoples thoughts.

Onwards and upwards, another day free.

Sunday is here - Have my meeting tomorrow. Anxious and excited to get started with it. Have a solution to my finances so i am very positive! I have thought about gambling a few times today. Certain words, noises have triggered it. I am resolved that i will not gamble but i still do not trust myself so money is out of my hands until i need it.

I wonder at what point down the line do you allow finances back into your life once you have given them up? If i can get through a month and certainly if i get through two without a single spin of the slots or roulette then im sure i will feel like i have stopped for good. However i read a lot of people having lapses. I hope its just a case of knowing its done.

I will continue to put something in here every day. Sometimes it might just be a line, sometimes it might be a ramble but for now it is proving useful as the title describes. A focal point.

Lets see what tomorrow brings . . .

Wow.

Today flipped upside down on its head. I woke up feeling very positive and looking forward to my meeting. Went to work and got a text from my friend saying he couldnt bail me out which threw me as i thought i was sorted, then a call from the councellor to say she couldnt make it today. Within the space of ten minutes of each other. Was pretty gutted.

Managed to organise a phonecall after work with the councellor. We talked about a few things, i have promised to self exclude from the local bookmakers throughout the course of the week on my way home. She is going to give me a number tomorrow which does a more general sweep of them and they take your picture etc.

Back to the drawing board with money problems. Still got a few options but devastated as thought it was covered. My own fault and i shouldnt be in this position but what can i do apart from try and do better next time.

I have realised that payday and having disposable cash is a big trigger for me. Im going to count down the days till payday and then count through the days past pay day in which i have not gambled. I think over the first few days of having money in my account i am going to write in here a minimum of 3 times each day to see where my heads at at different intervals throughout the day.

Hope i get this situation under control, right now it is 10 days till payday. 10 days to strengthen this resolve and get ready to not gamble. I will do this.

Hi Kev.

Keep going and just make sure you have blocks in place to prevent you from using your hard earned salary. Remember the triangle -time, money, location. Take just one away and you are certain not to gamble. Pay day was my one huge trigger as I'm sure I have told you, so when I see this on other people's diaries, I feel inclined to encourage you all to hang in there and keep your money safe.

Take care and remain strong.

Our Lady

Hi Our Lady,

Thanks for popping by again, i am scrolling through a lot of peoples posts and Diaries, struggling to sleep as i still haven't solved my immediate problem regarding money. Im finding peoples stories vary from being sad through strong to inspirational but it strikes me as mad that the machine is allowed to keep people suffering as much as they do. I spoke about this with the councellor today. Problem gambling is a problem - for the gambler. The industry pretty much thrives off of us. We should not be allowed access to the sites or the shops and it's such an easy solution to make it impossible for someone who has registered themselves as a problem gambler to bet. A simple card to play in the shops which you wouldnt be allowed if registered as a problem gambler and a one time registration online which gets fed to all betting establishments online to refuse you entry. Simple. Solved the problem.

I know its never going to happen but its a nice thought and its nice to ramble out my thoughts on here instead of keeping them trapped in my head all the time.

On to your advice about Payday. It's coming, i have big plans. I could actually treat myself to some pretty nice stuff for the first time in a long time. I have blocked the online stuff, just need to follow it through with the bookmakers this week, keep writing in here and i really think i will do it.

How long have you been GF for?

Kev

Hi kev

Well done for facing up. Maybe you can explore more your feelings on your diary? Let it all out - or at least start exploring.

I'm going to raise an inconvenient truth. You should tell your partner.

The main reason being that this seems the only way to effectively quit long term. I don't even know why exactly. But there are unfortunately no long term success stories based on the secretive approach (I've been on these boards for over 4 years)

Don't mean to sound negative, but it's like someone with a serious illness getting homeopathy treatment. I feel it's a duty to point out that secrecy is an unsound method. I'm not morally judging here - just noting what becomes very apparent after you spend some time on these boards.

A lot of people here mistakenly take the view that there is no right way and it's purely up to the individual. This is in fact wrong as there are clearly more effective ways than others.

Surely you are in a better position now, coming clean, having taken real measures to address your problems.

good luck with whatever you do.

Louis

Hi Kev.

In answer to your question, I remained g.f for 2 years and 6 months! I then recently returned, lost a lot of my own money again and so decided to do something about it before I reached that place of "rock bottom" again. It wasn't anywhere near as way back then but nevertheless, I still lost a large amount of my own money - approx 9k, which is just ludicrous when I write it down! Rather than dwelling on this (the money has gone)! I decided to do the right thing again and get right back on track, starting with, keeping hold of my salary and paying who I should be paying, as opposed to giving even more money to those gambling establishments. Now on day 37.

Look after yourself and keep tight hold of your salary and you will be fine.

Our Lady