My mind is absolutely full to the brim with junk, remnants of my past, mostly bad and all to do with gambling. 34 years old and 18 years since my addiction took hold of me and there are very few good memories. There are so many times my mind drifts to memories that I have to quickly try to forget. Give me an A4 piece of paper and ask me to write down the good things that have happened in the last 18 years and I would struggle to fill the page. Give me a 180 page notebook and I could fill it full of bad memories. I don't blame anyone for this, I have made my choices. My mum blames my dad for getting me into this, but lots of people gamble and don't take it to the extremes that I do. My mind is full of awful memories that I try to block out, yet I find myself thinking about 'foolproof' systems while I work, or I think about the big match or that horse I always followed that is a 'certainty' next time it runs.
Having started a diary last December I embarked on the longest run of my life without a bet. For the first 100 days I felt like a new man, I could walk past 1000 bookies and I wouldn't set foot in one, I wasn't tempted at all, it was like a miracle. I don't know what happened since then, but the spark went and eventually I slipped up. I tried again on here and yet again I found myself in a bookies on Friday. 100 pounds in hand, my first bet was 5 seconds late and it won. I was expecting an argument, but they paid me out. Another winner followed and I was on a roll, very quickly I had 550 pounds. I then spent about two hours getting the odd winner but mostly losers and stuck on 550. Then I saw an outsider I fancied, backed it each way and it won at big odds 665 winnings. more winners followed and I found myself at closing time with a wallet stuffed full of notes, 1400 in total. Saturday morning I woke up bright and early spent about three hours studying the form. Rich pickings today, so many horses I fancy, its like buying money! Off I go to the bookies, an hour later and following loser after loser I have lost 1400. My last bet was worth 3000 and it lost in a photo. Off I head home thinking I'm an absolute fool and what I could have done with the money. I call it the sinking feeling and boy am I used to it. I don't think I have ever had two winning days in a row. The same cycle follows, I enter bookies and lose all my money, or I enter and go on a winning streak, leave at half 9 and then go back the next day and lose it all. So why do I do this to myself?
I am starting a new diary and going back to basics and trying to stick to what worked for me last Decenmber. Firstly I need to use this site everyday, make a diary post and read some other diaries. Secondly I have told my mum about my slip and as a result she will ask a lot more questions when I ask for money. Thirdly I have to put 100% into avoiding anything to do with betting and more specifically racing on tv, the internet, radio etc... Fourthly I need to get it into peoples heads in work that I am not interested in hearing about their bets. Finally I need to start having some positive experiences and make more of my life.
I need to go back to August 2013, I was in a terrible state. I was in my old flat with my ex and thoroughly miserable. I had spent about 6 months sleeping on the sofa and my debts were giving me nightmares. I didn't go a minute without thinking about them, they were constantly on my mind. There was a Pixar film starting on tv that I had been told was good so I watched it. The film was Up and in my totally depressed state the first ten minutes didn't do me much good, however the rest of the film was quite uplifting and I got a lot out of it. I watched it again on Sunday and it really took me back to how I was in August 2013, I don't ever want to be in that place or worse again and gambling will take me back there. Back to the film Carl was a miserable and bitter guy who had given up on life since his wife passed away. I'm a miserable and bitter guy right now so I think its time I took some inspiration from him and light up a thousand balloons in my mind and take myself on an adventure.
There are so many things I want to do and because of my gambling I have not done them. Fortunately because my mum has control of my finances my debts are going down and my January pay will see a drop in my debt repayments and make life a lot easier. So if I can get back to basics and do what worked for me last December and have a more positive mindset I hope I can make better progress this time round.
Hi,
Well done on starting a diary and entering the road of recovery.
100 days was great, do you know what brought you back to the madness? Boredom? Improved finances?
Relaspes are ok , as long as we learn from them. This makes us stronger!
One theme i notice is you tend to gamble in bookies. Please self exclude, this really helps at when your vulnerable.
YOu state on how much you've missed out on due to gambling and the thing s you could have done. YOu can still do these things. Just say NO to that first gamble.
Never give up on giving up !
We cannot win as we cannot stop!
Good luck on your journey, keep posting and sharing.
life does get better. My counsellor on my first meeting told me to list the positives and negatives of gambling. The negatives outweighed the positives as you already know.
Keep strong and keep fighting!
Hi.
Is it only recently you gave in?
Im sure you were doing well when I first started.
Good luck this time my friend
Mba
Hi Phil
Thanks for sharing your honest thoughts.
Pleased to read you are carrying on with your recovery.
Well done on never giving up giving up.
Onwards and forwards to a better life
Best wishes
Suzanne xx
Thanks for the reply Gav, I am self excluded from all the big companies and local bookies but if I want that bet enough I can travel to one where the staff won't know me. I wish bookies ran a system like in a casino where you had to have a id to join as this would make it easier to have a useful self exclusion policy. Anyway this won't ever happen so I have to work hard on ways to get over my addiction and never being tempted to travel to a bookies for that first bet.
Also thanks mba, yeah I was doing really well and had stopped from December until a slip up recently followed by a second slip up.
And thanks Suzanne, you are really supportive and its good to read your kind words.
Its 4 days since my last bet! I had to pull a lad to one side in work last night and explain how bad a problem I have and ask him not to show me his football bets on his phone. I am skint now until payday next Tuesday, so I am not in the danger zone yet, but I need to keep anything gambling related out of my mind. I was so focussed on avoiding it all last December and I need to refocus. I have a twitter account that I really enjoy using, I would rather not delete it, but from time to time they allow gambling companies to advertise and I get stupid ads tweeted to me. I am going to have to be vigilant and if it becomes a problem I will sadly have to delete my account.
We live in this world where gambling Is everywhere and the big companies want to turn us all into addicts. I can't gamble online because I am excluded and if I started an account it would get instantly blocked. I do however hate the self exclusion policy in shops as it doesn't work. I don't ever want to set foot in a bookies again, but on my recent slip I was able to travel to bookies further away who didn't recognise me. Sometimes I wonder if it would be worth going round and doing something in these shops that would make me stand out and make sure they tipped off all their other shops about me. If there was something I could do that would prevent me from ever entering a bookies I would do it. I know ultimately its up to me, but those times when something takes over my mind and I enter gambling mode its like I'm another person. For now my mum having control of my funds and me avoiding all knowledge of gambling will have to do.
I have got to do more with my free time and start creating some positive memories. This week I am looking ahead to 2015 and setting some targets for myself that I can afford and will make life a better experience. First thing I have planned is a long weekend away somewhere in Eastern Europe in early 2015. Then getting a new car and having a decent holiday are also on my list. As my debts go down I can afford this and so much more in the future. All I have to do is not have that first bet.
Day 5 and woken up to a grilling from my mum wanting more information about my slip. She doesn't think I will ever give up and with my track record I can't blame her! From here I need to try and stay positive, Christmas is coming and once its gone my finances will improve and allow me more leeway. I have come through a mountain of rubbish and I guess I am on a better platform now and hopefully that will make the fight easier as I don't have anything like as many money worries on my mind.
My last day of the week in work and I cant wait to get it out the way and have my two days off. They will be a lot more positive than last weeks days off.
Day 5 and woken up to a grilling from my mum wanting more information about my slip. She doesn't think I will ever give up and with my track record I can't blame her! From here I need to try and stay positive, Christmas is coming and once its gone my finances will improve and allow me more leeway. I have come through a mountain of rubbish and I guess I am on a better platform now and hopefully that will make the fight easier as I don't have anything like as many money worries on my mind.
My last day of the week in work and I cant wait to get it out the way and have my two days off. They will be a lot more positive than last weeks days off.
Keep building the days mate , ive nearly reached a month of no fobt and it feels great and have more money in my pocket.
Sounds like me your mate / work also like a gamble which is really hard as you never hear about losses just your mates that some how managed to win massive amounts on last nights match.
One thing I always said and this went for me too , I always boasted big wins and never mentioned my huge losses.
Phil
Glad to see you again making good use of your time and writing your thoughts fella.
For me the key to success of continued recovery is to continue being honest with yourself.
At a point in continued recovery the next bet becomes less important than giving up recovery for it,gifting you the upper hand.
Regarding your work colleagues,for me total complete honesty has worked,the ultimate block if you like.
It has also given me the point of view that gambling will always exist,it actually is not gambling that is the issue is it??
It is our compulsion to gamble that is the problem and that as you say is finding out the reasons we gamble and work on eradicating them from our lives.
Lastly my friend something that helps me a great deal today.in my wallet a couple of copies of passport photo's
Why??
Because if I am in a new town or a another bookies pops up in my town
I gift myself,I go in and self exclude
The one way,the only way for me to enter and leave a bookies a winner.
It really is great for the resolve
Be kind to yourself
Never give up giving up
Duncs stepping forward never back
Hi Phil - Just catching up with your new Diary and wanted to say how much I admire your courage in coming back after your couple of trip-ups. You have been a stalwart on this site for such a long time and an inspiration, so be of good heart - I know that you have the tenacity and strength to see this through.
It's good that you have plans ahead and will soon be in a debt-free state - hopefully the psychological freedom that will bring will free you up to achieve some really positive things in your life.
re. the bookies, It's a pity that the well-known high street ones don't have a blanket ban which extends to all of their outlets.
Finally, to someone as old as me, I consider you still a baby, so you have plenty of time to fill your life with happy things and I know that there are some good things just waiting for you round the corner.
Best wishes,
Joanna x
Thanks Duncan and Joanna for the support and useful advice! Gambling will destroy me and I need to make sure I don't slip up again.
Its day 6 and fortunately I have two days off work. Last week I started a health kick and detox, I have been eating way too much junk and drinking way too much on a Saturday at the football. So I decided that with 8 weeks to go till my works xmas do I would cut out all the alcohol and sugar. So far so good and in my first week I have lost 7 pounds.
Been racking my brains about ways to stop myself from entering a bookies again. I can't gamble online, but I can travel to a bookies. Clearly self exclusion works to an extent but I want to be known in all bookies and never able to set foot in one again. I have a few ideas of how I am going to do this.
Phil
fella as I said why not turn things on their head.
look forward to seeing new bookies as you will be proud to walk in, head held high and utter the three words that enable you to leave a winner.
Those words.
Self exclusion please.
Don't fear the betting shop, use them to gift your resolve.
Lastly be careful losing weight rapidly can be unhealthy, you look after yourself my friend.
Because you are worth it.
Enjoy your days off.
abstain and maintain
duncs stepping forward never back.
Thanks for the advice Duncan, I will need to get a bulk deal on passport photos as there are literally hundreds of bookies within 5 miles of where I live. As for the losing weight, I have just cut the junk food and alcohol out, I am following a healthy diet now so it should do me good. I have to focus back that I had last December. I am working hard to totally avoid knowledge of racing and odds in general as this worked so well before. I have no idea what race meetings are on tomorrow which is how I need to be.
Phil
fella get one lot of photos done and photocopy them, that is what I do. Lol my photo actually looks nothing like me, it for me is for my own mental state of mind.
The truth is I didn't believe in self exclusion until I went back at it.
I let addiction kid me I was stronger than I was.
so today I consider self exclusion as part of my therapy.
As the honourable smiler wrote upon my thread, would you want the embarrassment of being asked to leave?
me I go in and leave of my own accord.
It is for me and my mind the best way for me to shut the door lock it and hold the keys.
Take control fella, the truth is gambling will always exist.
We just have to re train our minds that for us we will just lose, and not just our hard earned to boot.
Keep digging my friend get to the root of your addiction, then dig the f****r out!
I hope you enjoy your rest.
duncs stepping forward never back.
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