05.57am, staring at a blank screen on my iPad wondering what to write.
51 years old, 52 in a month’s time. Gambling since age 9, compulsively since age 13. 7 and a half years without a bet attending GA meetings but started getting complacent and wanted to go back thinking I could control it. 3 or 4 years later, maybe more, I am not even sure myself now but here I am back feeling sorry for myself, back at Gamcare and starting a new recovery diary with very little hope.
It’s not about the money lost, well I don’t think it is anyway. But it probably ‘is’ about loss (loss of loved one’s, loss of time, loss of relating to others, loss of self-respect, loss of dignity, loss of love for myself etc.) Who knows? A whole mix of other stuff in there too including childhood trauma, gender dysphoria, sexuality, adult website addiction, alcoholism, coffee addiction…and so it goes on.
Where and how to start picking all this apart - for the umpteenth time in my life? So many counselling sessions, years of group analysis, mindfulness, yoga, meditation but through it all I seem to be attracted to self loathing and self destruction. My life is utterly bonkers.
Hanging on to a glimmer of hope with Ekhart Tolle’s beautiful words, “When the ego weeps for what it has lost, the spirit rejoices for what it has found.” Dear God - ‘of my understanding’ - Buddha, Allah, Jesus, higher power, universal spirit, dead loved ones… whoever and wherever you are, please don’t let me lose my mind. I am on the brink.
Well that’s it for the moment. Hopefully I can come back and write something tomorrow.
Simon.
Hi Simon,
Thank you for coming to the forum and for sharing your story and for being so honest about how you are feeling.
I am sorry hear how you have been affected by the roller-coaster of ups and downs in your gambling reecovery.It sounds like at times you have made decisions that allowed you to gain control or even stop gambling, but it seems that you have experienced a lapse recently and that must be frustrating for you. It is important though to hold on to the fact that you have had long periods of being gamble free before, which is such an accomplishment which can be achieved again
The forum is a great place for peer support and as you will have seen there is lots of advice, support and encouragement to help you with your journey.
Can I suggest that you contact the GamCare Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or Netline to explore the additional support available to you. We are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week if you would like to talk to one of the GamCare HelpLine advisers.
Keep posting and sharing Simon.
Warm regards,
Helen
Forum Admin
I am in your age group. If I can come with any wisdom it would be not to pick it apart but try and use some of that knowledge to come to terms with who you are right now. Do read the book atomic change by James Clear. It deals with making alot of very small changes for bigger ones to take place later. It has helped me loads and I am back in the gym wich I did not think I would ever be again. Yes we have used a lot of time badly but there is still time to do alot. There is still time to feel better about yourself and rebuild that self confidence. It starts and ends with what you do. That is the tricky part. Taking charge of your ship and becoming the captain. Just giving it up to the higher powers does not teach you much but reclaiming the responsibility and owning your own decisions does. That brings your dignity back and enables more choices with time.
Best
C
Thanks to Helen and C who took the time to read my opening post and reply. I have not gambled since writing that post.
I have taken note of the suggested book and may or may not buy it, just being honest. I am not a great reader but perhaps I will try it at some point. Appreciate the suggestion either way.
Gambling thoughts have been pretty strong, yesterday particularly but I was able to stay away and spent most of the day with my best friend. She kept me busy cleaning her house, her car and spending time with her 6 year old daughter making her laugh so that was great. The compulsion to chase a loss is just crazy. You cannot explain it to a person who doesn’t gamble, but there are many on here of course who can relate and do understand exactly what I am saying. It is madness (I think) that I can be so controlled by an outside entity and not take control myself, or very rarely anyway against the might of these powerful urges.
I am not going to write a lot today but I do need to say this. I have a cruise booked for the first week of October and this was a gambling cruise for my best friend and I. We talked about cancelling it as he has also lost a lot of money recently and wants to stop. However, we decided not to and have said once the cruise is done we will focus on stopping. I know this is going to work against me of course. How can I think about stopping, let alone put any kind of commitment towards it with this trip coming up? I can’t. I share this simply in the spirit of honesty about my current situation.
When I return from the cruise my plan is to leave work and book myself into one of Gordon Moody Association’s rehab units for 3 months. I have already spoken to them and am in the process of getting myself booked in. I need to dig deep and find out why it has been so hard to let go of this addiction since age 9 and see if I can finally find the tools to change my lifestyle for a better one, once and for all. I have no expectations only hope.
I will do my best not to gamble before the cruise. I don’t think I will. As I write these words though I am of course sad that if I achieve that short term goal I will only then ruin it by going ahead with the cruise. The worry then is that gambling will be back in my head making it even harder to want to stop again - potentially. Maybe not though we will see, perhaps I will still be strong enough to want change. It’s not easy to cancel the cruise which is why I am not doing so. I won’t go into the details as they are unnecessary and won’t change anything, but suffice to say the trip was booked a long time ago to celebrate my friends 50th and it was my present to him. While I did try to see if he would be happy with me cancelling it he really wasn’t and I didn’t want to let him down so that’s the brunt of it in a nutshell. It’s a tricky and awkward dilemma. If I was going on my own I would have cancelled it without hesitation as I am ready to stop gambling and addressing a complete change of lifestyle now as it is.
That’s it until my next post. I hope to come here and post regularly, say 2 times a week or more as I think it will definitely help me to record my thoughts and feelings.
One thing I would like to say is a very big thank you to Gamcare. I am seeing a counsellor now for the third time in 15 years or so of using this site and the fact that this is offered free each time is so appreciated. As a gambler, I feel that I should be paying for counselling and for support myself, especially as I am quite happy to gamble and lose money on the one hand but then when I am desperate for help I am searching for support for free. I appreciate all those who fund Gamcare and allow the service to exist to help people like me - and it seems there are hundreds of thousands of us. It’s a terrible addiction so thank you once again. I aim to make a regular donation to Gamcare at some point in the future as you have helped me so much. The forums are great, the chat room is great, Netline is fantastic and all those who post etc. Thank you.
I go on cruises a couple of times a year and find them very much more enjoyable by avoiding the on board casino section. Just because they are there doesn't mean you have to use them.
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