Hi all,
Hope everyone reading this is doing well and finding a way to control their addiction. Sorry in advance for the long first post in my diary but I feel like I need to start by writing everything down here 🙂
I've visited this website in the past but never started a diary. I think and hope I'm fianlly ready to accept that I'll never get anywhere gambling and that I need to completely stop, no small bets, no exceptions it only ends up leading to a sustained period of bettting and losing. I want to use this first post to set out why I want to stop, my current situation and past history with gambling, and ask for ideas and support on getting through the early days from those who have done it. Hopefully this will be a post I can look back on ocassionaly to remind myself, what I'm doing and why.
Reasons I want to Stop
Money is one thing, but time is even more important, I have a fiance and beautiful baby boy, I'm wasting my time gambling when I should be with them. I'm self employed and should be building up my business, but instead I'm letting gambling get in the way and taking so much of my time away from me when I should be working.
I generally have a great relationship with my partner, but I think gambling gets in the way and sometimes affects my mood, it certainly stops me from spending as much time as I should with her and my son.
I've stopped playing for my football team and eat badly during times when I gamble heavily due to the stress, so I'd say gambling is defintley affecting my physical health as well as mental state.
I want to stop because I feel like I have had so many false starts telling myself I won't do this anymore but keep going back to it. I feel like if I can't stop this time that I never will. I think it has damaged my self repect that I have become an addict, that I can't find the strength to stop and admit that I am defeated.
Gambling past & current situation
I have been gambling as an addict since I was 22, I'm now 32. I had been addicted to online poker and sports betting, but I have no bet on poker for at least 8 years. I'm currenly in debt of £3,640. I also have to pay for a wedding by next year and have expensive monthly childcare costs so paying any significant amount off this will be hard for the time being at least. Ultimately I think my debts are probally comparitavely small to some complusive gamblers and are manageable if I can stop now. More distressing is the total I have lost of my own money and money gifted to me over the past ten years... I have no real idea of what this figure is but i'd take a guess at between £25 - £30 thousand pounds at least.
I did have around a year free from gambling in 2012, but somehow it slowly crept back into my life. This is the scary thing for me, how you can think you have it under control and it come back. I had a false start already a few days ago I got paid and instead of loading the money to a betting account I paid off some debts and bills and the following day I also remained gamble free and took my fiance and son out for the day. The next day I gambled the small amount that I had left and went overdrawn on my account.
Advice Welcomed
Anyone that has undergone congnitve behavioural therapy or something similar that could explain what it involves and if it is worth doing would be great. Also anyone that has ideas on getting past the first week or two without betting and how to control the urge to gamble would be really helpful because I find it really difficult, it is like I am put on Auto Pilot at times when money hits my bank account and the urge hits me. I can't find a way to rationalise it and stop.
I guess that is all for now! Please feel free to contact me or comment.
Many thanks,
CJA
Is there someone you can give your money to look after and control for you until things settle down? Best wishes in your recovery. It's a horrible addiction that we share.
Hi New day thanks for the message and I agree with you that is the best way for me to handle my money by handing it over to someone else, it's just a bit more complicated because I am self employed and have to make quite a few payments each month related to work.
It is something I have been thinkg about for a while and this morning I have set up a joint bank account with my fiancee, this way at least there will be eyes on the transcations in my account and more accountability for what I am doing with my money. Hopefully this will help and another barrier to make me stop and think.
Best wishes,
CJA
Day 2 without a bet yesterday. Had to fight some urges at various times but managed to do it.
I have offered to help my dad do some renovation work for the next few days so that should keep my mind and hands busy, and away from any betting sites.
I have installed a great free app for Mac computers called Self Control. You set it to block certain types of sites for upto a month at a time and then you need to reset it which would require control and disipline which I obviously struggle with in regard to gambling, but if you edit the code you can change the length of time so I've set it for 5 years! Hopefully that will help.
Tough day yesterday, fighting all day and caved in and bet last night, first bet won £125 from a £25 bet. Lost all then another £30. Didn't gamble everything I had though managed to stop and instead spent the rest of the evening putting further blocks in place, calling credit card companies and cancelling cards etc.
Felt a bit different to when I usually lose the last money in my betting account, I didn't have the crushing feeling of guilt or anger and no desire to quickly add more funds and chase the lost money. I usually feel disapointed in myself if I say to myself i want to stop and then go back to betting so quickly but i wasn't this time I was just kind of glad it was over quite quickly and i wasn't stuck gambling for days. Just got on straight away putting more blocks in place, on my gf's laptop, iPad etc which is how I got around it to place a bet in first place. While the urge to gamble was horrible yesterday I've not had any today. Hope I can get past a few days but have a bad feeling it will come back worse in the next day or two - they seem to be the worst and hardest days to get through when trying to stop.
Day 2 - a good day no bets, no urges and all steps i have put in place mean i couldn't have bet even if i'd wanted to. Trying to book some therapy sessions, and will see how that goes.
Another gamble free day yesterday and another small step in the right direction.
Enjoyed a day out with my girlfriend and son and made me think the sadest part about gamlbing is not losing the money but losing the time you could have spent doing something constructive instead of self imploding.
Day 4 without a bet yesterday. Feeling positive about it. My replacement credit cards / bank card arrived and I have destroyed them without taking down the new card numbers etc.
Worked out my finances and realised i'm in more debt than I thought at just under 4 thousand, there were a couple of things I forgot about. The majority of my money will now go into a joint bank account which is looked after by my girlfriend and be accounted for by direct debits for bills, paying off my debt and saving for the wedding.
I think that will feel amazing, not having access to the money and the temptation to bet with it will be a huge releif.
I have worked out that in 6 months, by May 1st 2016 if I don't bet and keep things how they are now I will cut my debt down to £1,250 and only have £600 left to pay off the wedding. That would be amazing but I know there is long way to go and 6 months is a long time, just taking it one day at a time for now.
Day 5 been and gone hassle free no implusive urges at all yesterday probally because I know I have no access to gamble.
The urges have definitley subsided, even though I still think about gambling it's not in the same way - at the moment at least. Been reading some other diary's on here and like the idea of treats or rewards after hitting a certain target of days free from gambling.
Will maybe give this a try not that i think i deserve rewards for staying away from gambling as such, should be reward enough in itself, but I need to rediscover the value of money and what you can do with it when you don't throw it away.
Have also been trying to learn from mistakes in the past where I have had a period of time off from gambling only to go back. The first bet after a period of abstinence for me always comes at a big event for instance, The Australian Open in tennis in January or the Cheltenham Festival in March or the Masters Golf Tournament in April. Generally the rationale in my mind is always that a small bet to add to the enjoyment of a special event will do no harm. Wrong! it really will - for whatever reason I'm not a person that can gamble and stay in control -it is impossibe for me and always will be. If i want to stay incontrol of my life I can't place a single bet ever. I think and hope I'm better prepared for it now.
I'm not sure if it is because I love these major sporting events so much that the buzz and anticipation recreates that same i''m about to place a bet feeling that has led me to do it or just the amount of press and tv coverage of bettng on these events that leads me into it.
Either way I have to think of a new plan around the time of the major sporting events and all the publicity that goes with them, so I might try and link the rewards idea with the start of these events, so for instance instead of chucking all my money away during the Australian Open, I'll book a tennis lesson or a weekend away etc.
Continuing the theme of trying to learn from past mistakes I have also set up email filters so any messages sent to me including keywords realted to gambling, casinos etc will be instanly sent to the deleted folder which empties itself. Getting a 'to good to refuse' offer around the time of big events such as free or matched bets is not something I want in my inbox again. Even though I've self exclluded from nearly all major sportsbooks if you gamble your email is on all sorts of mailing lists and you will get junk messages from casinos etc. Any one that wants to do this for their own email let me know and I'll show you how it's done.
Want to also install some ad blocking software to filter any gambling promotions bets etc. when browsing.
Day 6 was fine, no gambling! Had one minor urge that soon passed. Feeling a bit down as I've been ill and thinking about things a bit too much. Looking forward to getting to 7 days if I get through today, seemed a long way away at the start.
Hope everyone else is coping well with their recovery.
CJA
Day 6 was fine, no gambling! Had one minor urge that soon passed. Feeling a bit down as I've been ill and thinking about things a bit too much. Looking forward to getting to 7 days if I get through today, seemed a long way away at the start.
Hope everyone else is coping well with their recovery.
CJA
Made a week without gambling, been much more productive at work and in a much better mood in general with less ups and downs. Now to make it two weeks!
Day 8 sailed by yesterday ... very productive at work and a good evening with my partner and son.... should hit double figures on Saturday but just taking it slowly still
Best wishes to everyone
CJA
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