CJA's Diary

days 9 & 10 since any sort of gambling and they've been pretty good... a few small urges and stupid thoughts of what if i placed one large bet and won lots of money back.... urgh such a sickening thought no thanks very much I'll just keep my money and work hard without gambling in my life.

Things have been so much better at home and work during the last ten days and I feel like a different person, still have some small stress around money and sorting out the mess i have made... but i know that will sort itself out in time.

Day 11 yesterday

A good family Sunday with no urges. Had a few urges already this morning however as I have a few hundred sat in the bank... even though it is there to pay bills.

My mind trying to play tricks with me and tell me a £100 won't hurt and I could make a lot of money...I won't give in though, I don't want to place another bet in my life. I've been down that road too many times now and i know where it leads.

Fortunately I have no way of uploading that money into a betting account thanks to all the blocks I have in place.... Another two weeks or so and my wages will go into the joint account which I don't control which will be great and I will see that as a major step forward.

I have still not arranged counceling as been really busy... I don't want to make excuses and keep putting it off, so I will commit and say as soon as I am paid at the end of the month and the pressure of money is off a little... this will become my main focus.

Hi CJA, just had a read through your diary and wanted to start by saying congrats on over a week gamble free 🙂

Just reading your comment above about councelling, you do know you can get this for free if you go through gamcare, speak to an advisor in the free chat and you can get 10 or 12 sessions for free. Definitely worth taking advantage of that so early on in your gambling free days.

I managed 2 1/2 years gamble free and started up out of boredom so know what you mean when you said about not gambling for a year. Just a little tip i have now used, might not work for you but certainly helps me... When you have an urge to have a gamble, have a photo of someone or something that means a lot to you (fiance maybe?) and i find that helps me to think about the damage i am doing by gambling. Anyway, keep up the good work and look forward to seeing more gamble free days 🙂

Morning Diary,

Thanks Jason for the comments and encouragement, it means a lot and well done on the 2.5 years and getting on here to start again.

I think I will adopt your idea and use a photo of my Fiancee and son by my computer and in my wallet. I think that will be yet another useful barrier for me.

I have just tried to launch the chat to talk about the free councelling session but it did not work i'm not sure if it is the blocker I use interfering with the chat software, but anyway I will call up instead.

I think when I made a year gamble free it was different as in I didn't have any major debts as such that made me panick and have to stop, no one found out and talked me into stopping - I was just fed up of losing all my spare money but I didn't think I had a major problem like other people i just thought I wan't very good at gambling. I'd also just moved and changed from a job where I was unhappy, and got over a break up with a previous long term gf so the need to gamble didn't feel as strong. Not sure why I slipped back into it other than that I think I missed the buzz and adrenaline I got from it and after a year I think I wrongly thought I could control it and I honestly still beleived I could make extra money from it - how stupid!

This time is different because I have realised and accepted that I have a major problem, and that I can not bet at all on anything and hope to control it. I don't want to control it, I just want to stop for good. Some of the things I have done to get money to gamble in the desperation to chase loses have also been a slap around the face and made me stop and think. It is embarrassing really.

The positives are I've never started a diary on here before or been on to read and use the forum as inspiration like I am doing daily now. I've never taken the steps of a joint account before. I've never put so many physical blocks in place before, or wanted to do the counselling and I've never been so focused on stopping before - this time I really want to accept the money and time I've invested in this is gone and look forward.

Most importantly I can't stand in front of both our families look my fiance in the face and say our vows if I am going to continue throwing time and money away and keep gambling in our future. I'd rather lose my partner and son and let them go and be with someone else than give them the kind of life I've read about on here in the family & friends forum.

So I simply have to stop now..... which is why yesterday was day 12 without a single penny spent on gambling.

Best Wishes to everyone here,

CJA

Day 13 was pretty straightforward yesterday.

By about 9.30pm tonight I will have made 2 weeks without placing a bet of any kind.

I think I had another couple of mini breakthroughs last night in regard to the urges. They always seem to have come in the past from two things:

1. Thinking I know the result of a sporting event

2. Thinking I can make some money from it

I realised both these things are a lie. They have been proved over and over again as a lie. No one can consitently predict the results of anything in life. I can't make any money from gambling because I can not control it and even if I could why would I want to? It's a horrible way to spend time, very stressful and leads to mental and physical decline. It's a little lie my brain tells myself so I can gamble to escape stress in life and get the buzz of adrenline.

I think going forward I will instinctively know when the urge comes along and my brain is trying to tell me you know the result of this match you can make some money I will know it is a lie and have no interest in entertaining it whatsoever.

Also I think sometimes the trigger to starting gambling has been dealing with stress and also dealing with social anxiety for most, but not all of my life, I've been more introverted than outgoing and quite shy. I think these are a couple of important things to work on going forward.

CJA

A solid two weeks gamble free 🙂

Setting Day 50 as a medium length target now to aim for.

And day 50 lands on Christmas Eve for me, one of the best days of the year.

Concentrating on how good it will feel to reach the half century and enjoy Christmas Eve with my family.

Wondering what reward I can get for hitting that target.... but think I have a pretty good idea.

Best wishes everyone.

CJA

Hi CJA , just popping by to wish you well and to congratulate you on being gamble free for 2 weeks. You seem to be doing everything you can with regard to blocking sites and preventing yourself from access to money , so a big well done .

Just take one day at a time my friend .

Best wishes for now Alan

Hi Alan, thanks for the post and you're right one day at a time is always best! Hope you are doing well in your recovery?

Day 15 yesterday.

Went into town and walked past two bookies and an arcade on my way there and back with £250 in my wallet. My big problem has mainly been online, although I have put on smaller bets in bookies before and football accas etc. so found it easy to avoid going in.

Just need to remember this time that no small bets in the bookies is acceptable and could easily lead to something much worse.

I got cash out to pay some bills, and actually lost £20 somewhere along the way from the cash point to the post office and then the council office... I find it funny but I can't tell you how painful this was to me to actually have lost £20 in the real world!

If i'd lost £20 gambling online I wouldn't of blinked. If i'd lost ten times that much online it would just about register. Just shows how gambling online is like a completly different world - and one I never want to live in again!

Today should be easy spent all available cash on bills and if I get a few more payments in that i'm expecting I'll go treat myself to an afternoon off and a round of golf.

CJA

Day 16 done yesterday.

Didn't get to play golf but in the really strong winds it probally wouldn't of been that enjoyable anyway!

Day with my son today so will be easy enough to avoid gambling of any kind. Will watch some football on TV later on, Nadal v Djokovic is on TV too but think I'll give it a miss because tennis has been my favourite sport to bet on for the past couple of years so best to avoid it for a while I guess.

CJA

Not much to say apart from day 17 & 18 a success with no gambling whatsoever.

Hope it's been a good weekend for everyone.

Cheers,

CJA

CJA wrote:

Not much to say apart from day 17 & 18 a success with no gambling whatsoever.

Hope it's been a good weekend for everyone.

Cheers,

CJA

Never knock those day free days. Amazin!!

Have a great week!

Hi Triangle - thanks for the comment and the support!

Day 19. No urges or thoughts of gambling yesterday and it's getting easier in that regard.

All blocks still in place, still aiming for that 50 days free target on Christmas Eve.

CJA

Day 20 ... nice round number. No want to gamble at all. A big change from the first few days giving up when it was all I thought about and it was only reading on here that got me through it. So I won't change what is working and I'll keep reading, writing on my diary and commenting to help others when I can.

Also had a letter from the Council saying that the £20 I thought I'd lost on my way to pay the bill last week has been credited to my account because two notes had been taken in together in the machine where the cash is paid in so had not been registered on the screen. 🙂

Have a good evening all.

CJA

Day 21.

3 weeks since I last gambled.

Everything is getting better. Not thinking about gambling very much now. When I do I instantly say to myself I can never place another bet again in my life. I finally get that. There is no compromise with this affliciton. Cut it out completely - because it always leads to the same place.

I'm concentrating on making improvements in my life with work, relationships, how I think about money.

I've felt down and flat at times and a little bored this week so I need to find some new interests, I'm going back to 5-a-side twice a week, and want to get out on the golf course more often, and I'd like to do more cooking and maybe a course on that.

Never want to gamble a single penny ever again, life is way too short to waste anymore time on it so I'm keeping blocks in place, and happy to do so for a very long time.

CJA

Hi CJA, How quick the weeks go my friend ?. 3 weeks already !, glad your feeling and sounding so happy and positive , I think that once we accept complete abstinance within ourselves , it really opens the floodgate of recovery ?, it comes pouring through like an opening loch gate and then we allow ourselves to flow along with it once again admiring life as we go !.

Good for you my friend , good for you !! All the best wishes ......Alan