Day One

DAY TWO- Funnily, I expected to wake up feeling some how better, releved etc but I don't. Is that normal? I have been awake since 4:30am head feeling completely mashed, but not 100% sure why. I haven't got an urge to gamble...which I'm actually shocked at, as that has been a while! I just feel very unnerved, again overwhelmed and just not myself. I hate feeling like this, as its really not me. This problem has changed me completely and it's probably only now I've realised how much it has changed me as a person. This is a good idea having an online diary, as normally this would all stay in my head. Apologise to the rambling, just mixed emotions at the moment. I don't get upset easy, so this is also all new to me, I'm usually the strong one. Maybe it's just the realisation of looking back on what a mess I've made of my 20's and how little I have achieved. Hoping the day is brighter ahead. Thank you for your support so far.

Cx

Hey Charlie ..
The mushy head...the fit full sleeping seems to be the same for most...it happened to me love.. it will pass. ...just keep plodding on one day at a time. ...keep busy...xx

Samson- Yes, probably most of my 20's, but in the beginning it wasn't constant and didn't feel the need to want to play the slots, until a couple of years later, but it's certainly taken over my life over the past few years. I've have credit card debt, over draft and a couple of horrid pay day loans to sort out! I knew once the payday loans where a way of living that I had hit a new low. I absolutely love my job, I have two jobs, so my wage without debt would be a nice wage packet at the end of the month. But it's been a cycle of, pay loans, credit cards, bills, tent etc then little I have left try and win some for the rest of the month, but we all know how that works....it doesn't! A couple of years ago I won the most is ever won £5000 and was thrilled...this paid my overdraft off, payday loans and one credit card....next came the texts have £1000 in your bank in 5mins, overdraft option available, more credit on credit card available. I'm so angry with myself for not being strong enough to resist. Needless to say, I took advantage of all that is paid off once and here I am in a mess. I should of given someone at least half that money to save for me and use the rest to pay off some debts, but we live and learn eh. Just having to keep telling myself that it's done with now, that money is gone. I just pray and hope I can have the amount of money in my savings account one day! C x

Loxxie- thank you. It's my day off today, so going to keep busy and go for a walk to try and clear my head a little. C x

Samson- Thank you for your wise words. You're right, I am the only one capable of building myself a nice healthy bank account, not the online slots! I'm going to set myself a goal of saving at least £100 in my savers account that stays there 100% and isn't touched...might seem a small amount to some people, but I've never been able to leave money sat in my account! So I'm going to take small steps like that. Pay what ever money I have left off on my debts and hopefully start loving, living, enjoying life again because at the moment it's just existing very unhappily in this world. But I know I can change that! Thank you Samson! I have been reading your diary too and love how positive you are. C x

Charlie. .thanks the first few weeks were hard....good days...bad days...urges coming from our the blue....guilt...all the usual feelings you read on here....but slowly it gets better hun. ..keep pushing...
Something to think about love...
Maybe give gamcare a call...arrange the free counselling...I loved it....really helped understand so many things....worth a thought ....enjoy your walk...x

Thanks for the support and advice all of you.

So I've been for a walk to clear my head, helped a little. Called in on a friend, as I've also realised how much I've neglected that side of my life too. Upset to find out my friends father is in Ill health, something he can't do a thing about! It made me realise that I can do something about my situation! As hard as it will be, some days good, some bad I will try and make my life the best as can be from now on, as I might not have a penny, I have debts, I have a gambling problem, but three things I do have on my side are my health, hope and support from this site...which I will continue to appreciate. I've started to read through other people's diaries and it's been the longest I've been on my phone, without gambling! at last something positive I'm addicted to...this website!! Let's hope it stays that way. Enjoying at the moment being able to write my feelings, thoughts down. The day didn't start off as positive, but feeling more positive now and I'm going to cling on to that feeling as much as I can because I know it won't last long. I'm going to cook my mum tea, again something so simple and I've neglected and been so selfish over the past few years! Time to take care of the ones I love and spend time with them, appreciate them because I am lucky to have them here and healthy, a luxury not many people have.

Hope everyone else's day is going well as can be. C x

Well done on day 2 charlie doesn't seem a lot but 2 plus 2 plus 2 plus 2 all start to rack up
Set yourself some small goals like 30 day's. Then after 30 day's treat yourself to something big or small it doesn't matter. Rewarding yourself can be a positive. Something to look forward to. Something to fight for when the dark days arise.
It's not an easy ride but there's many diaries here that says it's possible.

Deano8008Thank you for your kind words and suggestions...great idea, 30days and I will treat myself...something small, but a little reward will surely perk me up.

Day 3- not had chance to get on here until now...very hectic day! It isn't over yet, but I've got a little break, so thought I'd better stick with it and make sure I wrote at least one thing a day, so I can track my journey. Very busy day today, which for me at the moment is great, as it gives me less time to think...need to tire myself out, as the thoughts come at night/early morning about the mess I've made of things etc. A few dreaded dates coming up...simply dreaded because I can't really afford to take part, but no one else to blame apart from myself. The blessing in that is that it won't be forever. Once debts are paid, I'll be able to enjoy the money I work hard for and do the nice things I want to do and take day trips without the worry off...will I haven enough money for the rest of the week, oh d**n that could of paid towards my debt and so on. Again, not really thought about putting a bet on...yet! Will try and write in again tonight. C x

3 plus 3 plus 3 there building up nicely charley keep pushing forward
Deano

Thank you Deano, much appreciated. Off to work, so will write tonight and have a look at some more diaries. C x

hi Charley1, been reading your threads and I feel someone in the same boat. I recently lost over 5k, the majority of it was money i won but 2k of it was my own which i am now in the process of trying to think of ways to save it back. I'm currently only in part time work but I know as soon as I start full time I should be able to save it back within 2/3 months.

How do you help to get rid of the sick feeling we all constantly get when thinking of the money that we lost and do you have any advice on how to move forward? I'm currently away for a few days so its easier not to think about it when doing activities but I know its going to be harder when I get back home into the real world!

Day 5- Again, another hectic day ahead for me and certainly the best thing for me to keep busy at the moment. Slept like a log last night, best sleep in a long long time. Paid a little more off debt last night, so perhaps making a little more progress with that helped relax me abit. Off to work, so will try and write later tonight. C x

Day 6- Well, surprised myself I've got to day 6 and no major urges to gamble. Maybe because it's been such a hectic week and I haven't really had chance to think about it, not sure, but nonetheless it's 6days. I'm at my friends for a girls night catch up and plenty of wine tonight, so will be too busy enjoying myself to think about it. Not much else to report at the moment. Not feeling bad or good just OK about things at the moment. Could be worse, as I could be feeling awful, but that won't solve my problems I've decided. Going to keep myself busy this weekend, usually not always a good thing to have too much time on your hands. C x