Degenerate IX

Day 31

I watched a horse race on TV today. Surfing through channels when I spotted the race and could not help making a selection and seeing the race complete. Luckily, my selection was unplaced and I am not regretting not placing a bet. No money bet, no money lost. I know from past experiences I should not do this.

Not busy today. I will be busier over the next couple of days.

Day 32

Sigh. Another struggle. I tried to keep busy. While in the gym I thought of leaving and going into the bookmakers to make a bet before the races began. While in the cinema I was thinking of getting out in time to catch the last of the races. I did go in the bookmakers for about 10 seconds before about-turning and leaving.

I am having stupid thoughts "Am I really never going to gamble again?", "I should gamble now while I can afford some bets" and "I will only gamble on big saturday TV races and I will not chase this time. I have learned my lesson".

Going to read an old Recovery Diary and some of my notes a few times. I am very surprised I am finding this difficult as its only Day 32 (Day 5 of having money). I am normally stronger this early.

I have been thinking about why I am finding things a struggle. I have a couple of things outside my control and I have been feeling anxious about them.

• I might have got a new job. Awaiting reference and a credit history check (gulp).
• I am relying on other people to finalise possible holiday plans.

I should get an outcome in the next 2-4 weeks.

Also, I had been going to the gym and eating clean for a while and the diet and training has gone off the rails recently. Need to start going to the gym regularly and eating nutritious food again.

I finally read my own diary. I was having the same stupid thoughts as I am having now.

Despite thinking 151 days was some great achievement as I lowered most of my debts I find myself in much more debt. I have been thinking I am a part time gambler these days as I only gamble every other payday. I assumed I have lost less money cos my gambling activity has been reduced.

I have doubled my debts and more since relapsing. I guess I have a selective memory when it comes to gambling. I must stop.

Day 33

Feel a bit stronger today. I might have some money issues soon but I will not dwell on them till they present themselves.

Day 35

I bought a jumper that was quite expensive. I immediately wanted to gamble after purchasing in order to justify the expense. The jumper could have cost me all my available cash. Fortunately, I only had my Purchases Only Credit Card which meant I had no cash available.

Good on you for treating yourself. The old you wouldn't have bought it in the first place - you'd have went to gamble before to see if you could win the money for it but wouldn't have ended up getting it probably because you would have ended up chasing losses.

It can't be helped that your brain still thinks the way you have habitually trained it to think. In time it will get easier you just have to fight through these urges. Tomorrow you will feel much better for not gambling. Don't beat yourself up for thinking along those lines.

Stay strong buddy.

tommy190416 wrote:

The old you wouldn't have bought it in the first place - you'd have went to gamble before to see if you could win the money for it but wouldn't have ended up getting it probably because you would have ended up chasing losses.

Absolutely spot on. Thanks.

Day 36

No gambling today. Quiet day not too busy. I attended another online group therapy session setup via Gamcare.

I must not gamble. My stupid gambling brain is setting me up to gamble whether I get good or bad news on my job search. Getting to 36 days has been a struggle. I dont want to go through this again.

36 days is a great feet DG. Just try and remember how low you felt at the lowest point. You don't want to go back there. After one pay cycle of not gambling you are hopefully feeling the benefits already. Treat yourself if you can. Reward yourself and try and associate being gamble free with things you enjoy. Kind of like puppy training! Works for me!

I am having so many rewards and they have not even been registering. I have lost count of the lunches or nice meals I am having and small things like buying sweets and drinks. Usually I only do those kind of things around Payday and live on basics for the rest of the month due to excessive gambling.

Day 37

I dropped my nice phone and thought I heard a crack. Before I even looked down at the screen I had decided I should gamble if the screen was smashed in order to fund purchase of a new phone. Pathetic. Luckily no cracks in screen. I hope this was just a fleeting thought and I would not have gambled.

Day 39

As it was a big racing day today, I knew I would be tempted to have a bet but I managed to stop myself from going into a bookmakers or even looking through the window. However, I did check the racing pages on my mobile when I knew the big race was over. I need to stop showing an interest in racing as it can only lead to gambling. Out of all the runners in the race I didnt recognise a single one since I have not gambled too much in the last year.

Day 40

No more treats. Shopping is getting quite expensive. Not as expensive as my gambling habit but its getting there. Not too much on my needs list. Only things I want. I need to stop wanting things that I do not need. I cannot affort all of the things on my list and I start thinking gambling might get me them. Gambling will only get me into financial difficulty. Secondly, I am still unemployed and I need to start being frugal with my money.

No more unnecesary spending. I can have a treat on Day 100. Unless I get a wage before then. (excluding a possible holiday I have coming up)

I kept busy today. No thoughts of gambling.

Sigh. Thoughts of gambling in last couple of hours. I think because I started looking at my upcoming finance issues. I need to get a job soon. I must get a job soon. I moved some cash to CCs again so I will not have immediate access to the money which leaves me quite low on funds and possibly in more of a mess.

I found out online that I can downgrade my current account which means I will only be allowed to make £200 in cash withdrawals per day. Not a huge difference to my current limit. I will need to think about it.