For My Family.... chapter 2

Life is so much better without gambling.

Never a truer word said. Just wish it hadn't taken us half our lives, thousands of pounds wasted and endless wasted hours to find that out!

You are doing well PA - Keep it going! As for counselling try not to let your past experiences dictate this experience - go in with an open mind and open heart and it with be life changing. Certainly was for me anyway.

Good luck!

Day 71...

Thanks Tommy, hopefully counselling will work out ok.

Totally fed up cos my phone that I dropped down the toilet ain't working!! Just paid £50 to get a new screen as well. Been a bad week!!! Ended up having the bad feelings like I used to in the bad old days. Like feeling sorry for myself for being such an idiot. I know it's only a phone but it was expensive and can't really afford a new one now.

Day 74...

Amazing how the days add up. Not that I keep a constant eye on them. Had a decent weekend, meeting tomorrow to get a step closer to putting a debt management in place. Being totally honest and up front with my debts feels good. Yes I completely f****d up but its time to sort myself out.

Also looking forward to getting out for a few drinks on Friday night with my wife. Be nice to be having a drink and enjoy myself instead of having a drink to try and forget.

Hope everyone is well and had a good weekend.

PA x

Hi proudarab just read all your dairy and u have had it hard pal I hope your ok and I'm sure everything will work out for you .thanks for your advice on my trouble you've really help me .good luck mate.

Day 76...

Meeting with CAB yesterday and finalised my DAS request. Fingers crossed all of my creditors accept my offers.

Apart from that having a quiet week at work. I missed my GA meeting last week and am going to miss again this week due to my wife's work commitments. A little disappointed but can't be helped. They say to go to as many meetings as possible when starting out on recovery but whoever wrote that didn't have a wife, we both work full time, and 2 children who go to every club you could imagine! Looking forward to going back next week though.

PA x

Hi PA ... thanks for the comments on my thread! I thought I'd pop over to the other side to read your story - there are so many parallels between our stories although from very different perspectives! Stay strong and best wishes to you and your family.

Miss JJ

Day 81...

Nothing to report. Funny but life seems very boring without gambling. Maybe that's why I did it in the first place. Much less stressful which is good I guess.

Had my night out on Friday night which was good but felt awful on Saturday all day. Must be getting old!!

I have my first counselling appointment tomorrow, just had a text to confirm the time and it says it is a "assesment appointment". Is this to find out if I need help?? I have £60k of debt due to gambling so clearly I have a problem!! However when I went 4 years ago and I had 30k of debt I went to the appointment and told the guy I never wanted to gamble again as I would lose everything and the guy said I didn't have a problem and wouldn't need any further help. 6 months later and the rest is history.

So what do I do this time? I obviously never want to gamble again and will tell him/her exactly that. I know if I do I will lose everything. Spent most of the weekend thinking about this and what I should say.

Also had news that 4 out of 7 creditors have accepted my debt repayment plan offers. Still waiting to hear from the other 3, hopefully all will accept and then we can move forward with life knowing how much money we will be paying out every month for the next 10 years. All for nothing. More I think about it the angrier I become with myself. Yes I know there's nothing I can do to change it now and have to let it go, but what a complete waste!!

Hope everyone is well.

PA x

Hi PA,
Congratulations on 81 days!
Hope your counselling went well. Surely, it went better than last time!
Good to hear you're getting your finances sorted. When you know you have done the best you can with them it will hopefully make things easier for you.
Now you can concentrate on enjoying your family.
Best wishes
LML x

Day 83...

Hi LML and thanks for your comments. And yes you were right, it was much better than last time...

It was only really an assessment session but the counsellor couldn't believe I wasn't offered more help last time. We talked through a couple of things and filled out some forms, nothing too exciting. But he did make me realise that we have to get to the root cause of the gambling and find out why I have relapsed in the past. I guess I haven't thought too much about that aspect as have just been enjoying the freedom of not gambling and being honest for the first time in a long time.

Anyway I got back in the car and burst into tears. Not really what I was expecting but all I have done since is ask myself the reason why I gambled and have come up with several possible causes, none of which I would have ever discussed with people before but I know I'll need to open up now. So just have to wait and see when I get my next appointment.

Not an easy night yesterday when I got home either as my wife is struggling at work just now. She has a fairly stressful job and is not dealing with things as well as she would normally, obviously due to the worry of what I have done. However we were chatting about her work and she mentioned she would never be able to change career now as without experience she wouldn't be able to move jobs on the same money. This is all because of my debts and the carnage I have created. She got quite upset and its just another example of what I have done to my family. The impact is enormous. Didn't sleep very well as couldn't get this out of my head. Actually beginning to feel like I've ruined her life, it's not very nice. 🙁

What do they say...where there is a will, there's a way. If your wife has dreams, don't let her give up on them...or she will resent you. Her staying in a job she doesn't like long term won't do either of you any good...come on, thinking cap on, think how you can help her.

Glad to see you still on the straight and narrow PA, (You have not dipped but your team has :)).

I found my deep rooted cause of my gambling about a month ago, it was obvious and staring me in the face, I had simply being ignoring it and refusing to accept it.

There are always a number of factors - but normally one driving the rest - I hope you find it !

My wife resigned from her job just before Christmas (simply because she no longer liked it), the reduction in monthly income has hurt a little, but what she brought in was less than I used to spend (What goes around comes around).

She is now a lady of leisure (with way too much time on her hands), whilst im knocking my pan in 🙁

I wonder if you were to encourage her interests outside of work might that help ?

Activities, hobbies, clubs etc.....sometimes its less the job and more the mindset of the individual.

Anyway - Hang in there - we are both in better places than when we first joined.

Sbb

Tbh Rhoda, perhaps the best way to help her would be to pack my bags.

Really hoping that it doesn't come to that but I'm really feeling like she is having doubts about our future together. Not because of anything she has said, I just have that feeling. I couldn't blame her either if thats what she really wants.

Don't get me wrong I'm not sitting wallowing in self pity, just facing up to reality. Main thing out of all of this is that I am no longer gambling. Yes I have a mountain of debt but there are a lot of people who have ended up further down the slippery slope than I did. I hope your recovery is going well.

PA

Hi Proudarab,

Just read through you recovery diary and obviously we are both compulsive gamblers but your story with regards your wife is a mirror image of mine e.g., telling her I wouldn't gamble again, swearing on kids life's and writing letters to her, the difference at this moment in time is my wife booted me out due to all the lies and deceit that I have being telling her for the last 15-18 months after she found out I had being gambling again ! We don't think of our loved ones when we were gambling we only think of ourselves and next bet don't we ! Well done on day 83 GF I am on day 36 GF today and life feels so much better without gambling, but awful not having my wife and 2 lads around. I shall look out for your updates.

"It's good to talk and take it one day at a time"

Darren

Hi Again PA - I hope you don't mind me commenting from the partner perspective. I am in a similar position to your wife whilst I am committed to supporting my partner and repairing our relationship in the aftermath the gambling I find myself almost grieving for the future we planned out and will probably now never achieve. It's a difficult adjustment that will take some time for Mrs PA to come to terms with. The stress and worry also make dealing with the day to day (including work) difficult. Therefore the stresses that we have previously been able to deal with easily become magnified. As you have discovered the consequences of gambling have a huge ripple effect and does impact significantly on the lives of those you love and love you. Give things time and keep talking and most importantly listening to your wife. Does she have any support? I've started some counselling which is helping through allowing me a space in which to make sense of all this which gives me the strength to get up, carry on and support mr JJ in his recovery. Best wishes & stay strong!

Day 84..

Woodley thanks for the post, I'm really sorry to hear that your wife and kids are no longer with you. Fingers crossed she can see you are doing the right things now and you can get back on track. You're right it is good to talk, probably better that we are arguing now and again than not talking at all.

Miss JJ.. I don't mind you posting on my thread at all. I actually like to hear from you as it gives me a perspective from the other side. My wife and I had a bit of a bust up last night which was over nothing. Although I think it was a lot of frustration from both sides over the position we find ourselves in, or should I say the position I have left us in. Worst thing is she was being nice to me this morning and I left for work in a fairly bad mood and am now feeling awful. She is supporting me and is open to the idea of counselling but not until the finances are settled. I am currently in the middle of a debt arrangement scheme application and it looks like going through, but she wants to sort out the practical side before dealing with the emotional side. However I feel like as soon as that is in place she'll be in the position to ask me to leave. Which is a possibility and I can't blame her. It would rip me apart though to lose her and the kids. A lot of people would ask why I didn't think about that at some point over the last 4 years, but as hard as it is to believe I thought about it almost every minute of every day. I just got deeper and deeper into debt and somehow thought I could gamble my way out. Perhaps Mr JJ was going through the same thing? It's hard to explain to someone that you think you are doing the right thing to keep your family together but all you are doing is destroying everything that you need and want in your life. Hopefully we can all make it through this. I attend GA and have just started counselling and I have the contact details for my wife to organise something, hopefully she will do that.

PA x