Going to keep this thread now!

Honestly? pretty bad 🙁

Just walked off 20 mins early and had a mini meltdown. My husband phoned my office to say I wouldn't be back today, or tomorrow.

I was so frickin close it was unreal. I only had to keep it together for one more hour, and they would have left me to it - "she is indeed fine now" they would have decreed, and I would not have to be observed anymore. I just couldn't do it. Straw that broke the camels back.

I'm going to a meeting on Monday with hr, I think my job is still there. Just frustrated that I couldn't go the last few yards to avoid all this fuss.

Whatever happens, what I won't be doing is gambling.

It was just a bad day.

Hi f... sorry to hear that your day wasn't so good. It is tough isn't it being observed for the purposes of assesment. Like you say, you know you can do the job, its just other people watching you doing it thats the tough bit. Its like the driving test as if the examiners eyes are literally boring into onself.

I remember years ago I had to give this presentation as part of my degree course infront of all my peers and the all the department academics and I just went to pieces and had to leave the stage. More recently i went to a ciroc dance class with a mate and just couldn't cope with it all and again exited stage in a state of near panic. ( i think I may have written about it).

I think part of it is a confidence and self-esteem thing but I genuinely belief that some of us are just naturally alot more senistive to our surroundings and other people and the situations in which we come across than others... its a genetic thing and just the way it is.

I can imagine the frustration of having nearly got through the observation. You tried your best and it wasn't to be on this occasion. What ever comes next is whatever comes next.. you will cope am sure. Juts be open and honest with hr come Monday. Take care and thanks for your support as always... S.A 🙂

thanks SA

I have had some good news regarding work - they said I can finish for Xmas on Friday. I thought I would have to stay until the following Wednesday for the Primary school. That gives me a proper 2 week stretch to get back on an even keel. You see I can't take Valium for very long, and I initially feel worse than before when I stop taking it. This is all fine, but I was disappointed when I thought my holiday was going to be cut short.

Taking yesterday off sick did me the world of good. I may actually go to work on Monday after all, I will see how I am doing. Work seem pretty reasonable, so hopefully once I explain why I have become so run down, they will let me get on with it - because I do feel I am pretty much through it. My husband spoke to one of my managers on Thursday and explained that it is very anxious for me to be observed for over an hour, and he said its fine if I want to keep it shorter. They just need to pop out a few times and check I'm ok. It just needs to be a chat for 10 - 20 minutes, which I find much better to think about. It doesn't feel so daunting.

Anyway, I feel ok about going back next week if they will let me. It will mean I can get paid over the Christmas break too.

At least gambling seems pretty far from my thoughts right now 🙂

My goodness!

Had a massive panic attack yesterday. It really knocked me for six. Haven't had one that bad for years.

I had some Reiki healing, and felt very anxious afterward (sometimes it draws these things out of you, if it needs to be drawn out) anyway was surprised because I usually feel very peaceful after Reiki. Anyway, by the time I got off the bus back home I was starting to panic a bit. I phoned my husband who ran up to meet me god bless him, and by the time he got there about 5 minutes later I was in full blown panic.

It was bitterly cold, and I was shivering and my teeth were chattering. I could have done with getting home quickly, but the 10 minute walk took about 30 minutes because it was along a main road and I kept freaking out. I really thought I was gonna die, it was horrible.

Today I am just shell shocked, and feel like there is more to come out. I feel like I really need to lose my temper and shout, scream and cry. It is almost like an exorcism of all the pain I have bottled up inside. I dearly hope I can get it out today, however unpleasant it is.

Hi ((((Freda))))))

Hope your feeling a little better than you were earlier it must be awful for you but im sure you can make it through to the other side a much stronger and happier person.

Your help and guidance in my recovery has been fantastic and just wanted to say what a wonderful person you are.

Sending lots of positive thoughts and hugs your way

Andrew xx

Ock Pet...big big hug...Just catching up and you sound like your going through the mill.

You've mentioned before about wanting to scream and get it out...I know how that feels, I got so much of it myself. Not sure when I will come to peace with stuff if ever..BUT! there is one underlying thought that I have, which spurs me on..and that's..no matter what has happened and with who, the hurt and the pain and anger...

..they/it sure as hell arn't going to spoil life for me now..I won't let it!!...

.this is where my anger goes to...and I see it as a positive ..for previous I got depressed, swallowed it up..hid it. And it just held me back.

I suffer from anxiety big time at the moment.....I see it as a transitional period, will work through it and get out the other side.

I know we both have had problems with our familys, most of my problems stem from a very unstable background. For too long I have suffered as result...no more! 🙂

I don't know if any of this will strike a chord with you Freda..and I do ramble on a bit lol..but all said I'm thinking about you hun and hope you are feeling more peaceful this afternoon.

Love Del xo

Thanks Andrew and Del,

Those messages really cheered me up 🙂

I have been out and about for a walk to the edge of town this afternoon. We were out a good half hour to an hour, and retraced my steps from yesterday - the way I walked home during the panic attack, only backwards. We went into a shop for a while too, and although I can still feel I am very on edge, I coped well.

The neighbours came round for 5 minutes earlier, as their little girl wanted to meet our rabbit, and although I felt a little shy I coped well.

I have also written notes of the points I want to make for my meeting at work tomorrow. This feels better, as sometimes when you try to explain a lot of things it comes out garbled, and you forget stuff. The meeting is standard procedure after you have been off sick for a while, even if there are no longer any concerns regarding your health. hr ask if you want to tell them anything in confidence, and if you need counselling or anything like that.

Once I read it back to myself, I realised how many stressful things I have been through in a short space of time, and feel like suffering with a few panic attacks is understandable actually.

I'm still feeling stressed and run down, but am very much looking forward to talking about what happened with my drama queen colleague, so that they can put my anxiety in full context. Then its out there in the open, and I can just move on. I didn't want to have to tell them about her, because it feels like I am being a snitch, but I need to defend my recent absence with the full story. I am talking to them about it for the right reasons, not to pour scorn on her but to explain what I have been through.

Hi Hun

Just popped in to see how you are?

Sorry your having such a stressful time at the mo hopefully when things are sorted at work your stress levels will come down and be easier to cope with.

Thinking of you

Take Care

Stay Strong.x

thanks elizabeth 🙂

You know, I really appreciate the support I get on here, because sometimes after you get a bit of time bet-free under your belt, the support tends to drop away a bit in my experience.

Yes I'm rocking up to 23 weeks tomorrow, but I am still struggling to cope with life without my escapism gambling, as much as someone only 2 or 3 days clean.

Had a panic attack again today, but it was after my meeting which actually went really well. I could have nipped it in the bud by taking a valium, but I stubbornly tried to press on.

Only 4 work days left then 2 weeks paid holiday - so good times are almost in reach. It is just a case of muddling through for a few more days.

You are most welcome

I really feel for you as ive never suffered a panic attack stress yes. panic attacks from what ive heard are quite awful.

Well done for 23 weeks thats just fantastic with all of the health problems your having it would be so easy to cave in but you havent so your stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Stay Strong.x

Thanks E 🙂

Having a fairly good day so far. No problematic anxiety just yet.

Today was 23 weeks ago that I last gambled in any way.

Longest I have gone since I joined this forum years ago 🙂

Hi Freda I am still fairly new to the site and not read through all the diaries yet and just started to read yours.

Well done on the 23 weeks that is just fantasic I will conment more when i have had a good read i wish you well and keep strong x

Freda--great to hear you are 23 weeks since your last bet.

Sorry to read that you are still feeling anxious and upset about a few things but just think how much more anxious you would be if you will still gambling. My daughter has a problem with anxiety and also has very low self esteem as a result so I know how hard it can be for you when a panic sets in. Keep smiling.

Lots of love

Stumper x

23 weeks under difficult circumstances recently freda high fives 🙂 best thing you ever done was give hubby your cards (why not share this useful tool on the opg page).

I noticed you are still in touch with tinap, one of the first posters on my diary.i often wondered how she was doing and to read she is still be bet free made my day. Pass on my well wishes.

Once again a high five to your continued progress x.

thanks wp your comments mean a lot, I have great respect for what you have achieved in your own recovery.

Ugh, Family. I capitalized them much as you would any ominous presence. If it's good enough for God....

My Mum really upset me last night. She had rang up to rant about my brother basically. I told her I was in a really bad way and was taking Valium everyday, struggling to cope. "oh" (brief pause) rambling continues.

SHE is supposed to be MY f*****G mother, NOT the other way round. I got a text later on though, saying "look after yourself". I'll f*****G have to won't I, who else is going to....

I honestly believe that my family don't actually see me as a real person, who actually has feelings. You would have thought several nervous breakdowns would have been a clue...It's fine. I live with the fact that my family drive me mental and are selfish drains on my energy everyday. Just wish they would all f*** off for a while.

Anyway, and so to today. Today will be a good day. I will focus on myself and get through it. Everything else can melt away for a couple of days.