Going to keep this thread now!

Thanks tj and del,

i am proper depressed today. I don't know what has got into me! When I get like that, I feel an urge to open my mouth and wail really loud. It is really disturbing when it happens in public. I have never actually done it, but I was really close today.

I just have this sadness in the pit of my stomach. I feel like s**t!

I spend so much time alone, and social stuff terrifies me.

I have just binged on loads of food, and feel sick. I don't know why I do it, it doesn't make me feel any better.

I'm just rambling really, trying to make sense of my thoughts.

Hi Freda

Nobody said recovery is a bed of roses. We have to learn that some days are better than others. I don't like to get too high as I know the lows will follow. I keep on an even keel which is boring but safe. Today will pass and tomorrow is re-evaluation day and you can start afresh. Remember this forum is here and Netline so scream if you must it never killed anyone! Take care

Hi Freda.. sorry to hear that ya had a bit of a s**t day.

When you say "I spend so much time alone, and social stuff terrifies me."... this I relate to, though am not so sure it terrifies me quite as much as its use to. Sometimes I'd rather be around my own company than around people that, for want of a better word.. affect my karma in a negative way.

Its like today.. ive been quite social for me.. played badminton with a couple of friends and then they came and had dinner at mine.. which was a big success and an enjoyable social time. But me being me it wasn't long before I wanted my flat to myself again and its like one of mates started getting on my nerves cos he always wants to use my landline knowing ive got some free minutes and he takes the *** a bit and i don't like that.

Its like that experince of yours with that blokes birthday and he ignored you. That would affect me greatly too. I'd think how rude and ill-mannered and like you i'd feel really uncomfortable and want to leave.

Am probably way to sensitive to the moods and behaviours of those in my immediate environment. Its like i'd rather eat my dinner alone sitting on the toilet than have to listen to someone eating noisilly and with no regard for those around them.

But how we are is how we are isn't it.. its just our make up. I know people who are not able to cope at all with there own company. For me i find I have to spend time alone just to settle myself and my thoughts.

Its finding that balance isn't it. The flip side of course is that tooo much time alone can allow the mood to drop and compulsive comfort type behaviours to creep in. Like you say food.. and this is certainly one of mine. The sudden compulsive eating of an entire loaf of bread and jam or 5 bowls of cereal on the trot is not uncommon with me... and then the feeling bad afterwards.

Of course gambling is the worst of these... but stopping gambling doesn't stop other compulsive comfort behaviours coming in or continuing.

Ooops ive been rambling.. am sure you don't mind. Tomorrow your mood will have changed so will mine. take care and thanks for your thoughts over at mine.. S.A 🙂

Hi Freda

Glad I can provide some comfort to you in times of distress. As CGs we are sensitive souls as SA rightly points out. I think we pick up on things everyone else misses. I read that SA was growing a thicker skin but truth is we don't! (although I hope SA does). We have what we have at our disposal for whatever reason and have to adapt to life on life's terms. Things happen that bring back all kinds of memories from childhood and mainly we focus on the negative. It is painful and we run and hide the best way we can. However, today, we stand up and fight back a little. Sometimes we get knocked down but persistance is the name of the game. Yo do not have the problem of being a twit the guy who snubbed you does. If it were me I would run scenario after scenario through my mind until I've tortured myself beyond belief. Today I try to let go. In time you will more or less forget about it even though it is raw at present. Keep posting how you feel it will pass. Gambling is not an option for us today. Take care

Hey f

Hope your feeling better today and the knot in your stomach is not so big today.

Where food is concerned i go two ways i either stuff myself until i feel sick or dont eat at all.Its all about control.You cant control how you feel but you can control what you do or dont eat.

Your making great strides keep that chin up and stick up two fingers to idiots who dont have any manners.

(((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))

Stay Strong

E xx

Thank you smiler, SA and Elizabeth

I am feeling a bit better today, but unfortunately I have lost my wedding ring : (

I very rarely get sentimental about objects, but my wedding ring is really important to me. At least the universe send something my way to distract me a bit I guess! I have looked in the sink pipe and there is nothing there, and emptied the whole bathroom. The weird thing is, my engagement ring was sitting on the sink unit where I normally put them, but the wedding band has vanished. I don't have the kind of sink where it could easily fall down the plug hole, because it is one of those poncey glass ones that sit above the mount, like a big glass dish. For one to be gone and the other still there is bizarre.

Hi Freda

In all the hullaballoo you have probably taken it off somewhere you don't usually and forgot about it. Try tracing your steps back the way instead of moving forward in time. Run everything in reverse. It will turn up!!

Glad your day has gotten better!

Thankyou hun,

Have you found your ring yet?

I used to do that with my eldest he has night time terrors when he is ill with a temp and imaging nice places,sounds and smells used to really calm him down,but i have never tried myself will give it ago.

Hope you starting to feel better and not like s**t anymore

Stay Strong

E xx

Hiya freda..thanks for popping in again..i still havent got the hang of this response posting..i keep doing it twice ..one on my own diary and then on others..lol..(left you a post on mine too)x

Hope you found your ring ? sure you will let us know...I can identify with so much you say...as an ex panic attack suffer and agoraphobic I also know how paralysing anxiety can be to your life.

Its just my opinion but I always think anger and depression are two sides of the same coin.....i believe that depression is anger turned inwards and all channels of communication become jammed.

My own self destructive thoughts came in the form of hyperchondria and catastrophic thinking and also had claustrophobia...no lifts and I stopped flying for 5 years.

When I look back on my own depression in my 20's I basically went on strike....it was my way of shutting down and saying "leave me alone" to the world....(not consciously)...I was masking so much and just wanted the freedom to be myself and I was full of guilt for having so much to live for but still feeling empty..

I am all for getting it out..scream and shout if you need to in a safe place...you have a voice to express this ...get a punchbag if you need?..

When I stopped punching I started singing..and actually for once found "my own voice"...as you can see by my posts ..I kinda took the finding my voice to a whole new level!! lol...

Some people find letter writing that they never will send ..a good way to discharge..

.

That skin thing...I also am made of the same stuff as you,SA and possibly everyone if truth be known...

I havent got that second skin..can't mask (for long),cant fake ...been accused all my life of being "too" something...think "too much"..feel "too much" etc etc ..usual stuff....Without that skin people are an easy target and I haven't got that defence mechanism.

I think even on here you can tell by peoples posts their intention.We may all come from different lives etc but you know whose intention is good despite them suffering themselves and I think thats most people on here.

Sorry for going on...just wanted to you know you are not alone. xxxx (((((xxxx)))))....

Hi Freda,

Just popping by to say thanks for the post it was a nice little boost, you have offered me and others such great down to earth advice on this forum.

Looks like you have been having some up days and some down days but for me to see you go sooooo long gamble free is quite quite special.......

stay strong

paul

Hiya Freda 🙂

I hope your ring has turned up..fingers crossed.

Thanks for your message..interesting that you say about being a people pleaser..I am too..it's just in my nature. I can't change it either..but! what I have changed is..I only please the people who don't rip the a**e out of it 🙂

Hoping all is well.. and today is an up one.

Remember girl..2012 is going to be our year.

Hugs! Del xo

The ring is still at large somewhere.... :'(

However, I am feeling very grateful today. Very grateful for all the things that I have going for me in my life. Life feels full of possibilities, as my health improves, and my finances get better.

Freda,

I accept your high five and send two back at you for your support!

You are right life IS full of possibilities, gambling makes us believe that is not true, we are in control now, we can live our lives, we can be positive.

Stay safe and strong

paul

Hi Freda

Thanks for popping by on my diary. I see you are in a good space so long may it last. The possiblities are endless in recovery. The thoughts that bogged us down are not there. We are free to live our lives as they should be lived. Freedom is a great experience and for me very short lived as I am in a comfort zone that I am going to break out of soon. It is about thought processes I think. Anyhow thought I would get you on page one and hopefully not long and your ring will turn up. Take care and thanks again

Glad to see that you are in a good place at the moment.

Do you know anyone with a metal detector?! Just a thought...

GT