Going to keep this thread now!

Hiya f ..

Yep ..OH means other half or in my case ex OH ..lol ...

Just reading your post you are really on the right tracks and can understand how you feel about being straight...I get into lots of trouble being straight and confrontational these days as in the past I was overly complient and always brought up to "rise above" and all that ..like it was some measure of class or something.

I should have been brought up knowing how to speak my mind more.

...Just also with your post to me about when I say unconditional...I always knew of my partners losses and felt really angry and frustrated but masked that with trying to understand and being supportive and making him feel better and actually giving more support in many ways ...nice food to cushion the blow..a nice meal. ....however I always withdrew in another ways rather than out and out rejection...my way of putting a barrier up to stop the anger of losses affecting me was withdrawing intimacy ..

Obviously this is between a male and female in a couple and not every OH does this I'm sure ...so when I say unconditional on here I say it as I know the person will be beating themselves up after a slip and if they live with someone who also knows of the losses that oher half may withdraw in some way.

I know for many gambling losses are done in secret whereas in my case it was done right before my eyes on a pc over and over again which is why I struggled so hard to see this as an illness and not an act of deliberation in my exes case..

Hopefully that makes sense...

Have some fears about stepping back into real life and not cyber but it has to be done ...as cyber is real and not real ...wrote my disclaimer this morning just so any newcomers think what's all this about...lol. Same journey but not totally the same if that makes sense..

Keep strong

R and D xx

OH - it seems so obvious now!!! bless my simple ways : D

Hiya f....just reposted to you on my diary as not to hog yours....xxx

ps..I didn't even know what FML and ROFL as til recently....lol

R and D xxxx

hiya Freda..

I love reading your posts ...you so understand the emotional things in life and always give me some really good ways of dealing with things that sometimes I find difficult to explain. ...

It is true ..my pals who don't get it are not bad friends they just are not experienced in the same things so sometimes what they say sounds flippant.

I have also to take some responsibility in this as the ones who don't get it are the ones who normally come to me to offload and who I don't talk to about the big stuff.

The great news is the people I have come back to live with are the ones where it is a two way street...and have been there for each other at lives crisis points ...so I can talk to them.

I guess we have pals that fulfil a different side of ourselves...but as a whole they make up out life.

Still moving forward hun ...and still going in the right direction..Hope you had a lovely cyber indulgence lol an I still cannot get the toilet multi tasking vision out of my mind ....heh heh heh xx

hugs and more hugs

R and D xxx

I never multi-task on the throne, dotty - one thing at a time ; ) as long as it made someone smile, my work is done...

I feel so much better than I did this time last week. I have worked through some emotions this week, and really understand myself better as a result.

I have been going to a mental health support place for the last few years. It is a great way to not be isolated, when you are not well enough to socialise properly, and commit to meeting friends, if you cannot predict when you will not be up to it. Anyways, as a result of this, they know me very well there, and know that I have always been reasonable, and dealt with problems the right way. As a result of this, they valued my feedback very much when I went to them about someone making me feel very uncomfortable. They know I generally get on with people fine, whereas they have had problems with this other person before. It was a huge compliment to me, that they trusted me immediately. It further strengthened my trust in my own instincts too, which I am trying to build up, having been around people for far too long who told me I was always wrong, and my feelings and reactions were silly.

A downside, is that some of what I went to them about, has leaked out I think. The staff are very professional and don't break your confidence, but there are a lot of people trying to earwig I think! Anyway, I definitely noticed that some people seem tense around me now, and watching very carefully what they say. The positive that I have taken from this, is I am definitely not a manipulative intimidator type, because if I were, I imagine I would be enjoying this fear people seem to have of me. Instead, I think it is a shame that people don't seem to trust me anymore. I think this will blow over in time, and when people realise that I only go running to "tell" when people are behaving VERY badly, hopefully they will relax a bit.

Anyway, check out the new me! Asking for help when something is upsetting me - even if it means telling on the bad guy. This is because it does matter how I feel, and my feelings are just as important as anyone elses.

No gambling by the way....goes without saying ; )

Hey Freda...

Yes ...YOU DO matter hun...

...as as you are a kind person I have in doubt that in the past you must have had people treating you very badly and have let it go without telling anyone....

This is a good sign...an excellent sign ! that you are self caring ....moving up to the next level f and the new you is looking good....

You matter,You are important,You have a voice,You have the right to stand in your own truth.

Go girl

R and D xx

Hi Freda,

That was a gr8 post 2 read, u r a kind person and u matter, go u 🙂

It's sooo good 2 read u r staying strong, no matter wot u r faced with u still find the strength 2 stay gamble free. U give me hope 🙂

Take care xxxxxxxx

Hi Freda... and yes your support place should be something of a sanctuary and if you feel uncomfortable you should be able to go to staff for support.. which you did.. nice one. Asking for help and accepting help is something that does not come easy to me.

I'd love to have a place I could go just for a bit of unconditional company and support as and when. Am way to isolated. I watched this programme the other day about the lonely old and thought I am in much the same position as many older folk, just a bit more mobile.

Am glad that you are generally in a pretty positive headspace. Onwards... S.A 🙂

Hiya f.

loving that piddling on your chips expression..lol 🙂

Well done too on beating your own best ..its not about competition is it?..just having fun and getting fit.

Thank you for my shout out on SA 's diary too....I am glad its not just me that comes up against the invisible covert smiling piranha assassins...lol

I know as people we don't want to look for the worst and slippery motive but all I shall say is these folks have found a mode of behaviour that works repeatedly so they get what they want.

It takes a lot more conscious calculation to be that way than it does loosing your rag on spec because you've been pushed too far.

all the best hun....keep talking and posting....its all good....

R and D xx

Thanks guys : )

Change is hard, and it is not easy coming out of my comfort zone. I am finally putting my needs proudly sat side by side with those around me. Feels selfish/demanding, but just because of the contrast effect from ignoring those needs in the past.

Finally heard from my "best friend" after 3 months of zero contact. I was grateful that she made that step for me, and gave me a small mark of respect and worth, by making the first move. Prior to this, I did not feel valued at all by her. She says she misses me, but it hurt last time we saw each other and she needed time away.

I understand why she was hurt, because I was explaining that I needed to find a way of keeping myself emotionally safe around her. That is never easy to hear. I totally respect that it is her business which choices she makes, and how her lifestyle is - but if it is in direct conflict with what I need, I need to be careful. It became apparent during that conversation, that I am hearing her most extreme emotions. She says that she doesn't generally feel bad and is generally happy. To offload to someone when you are freaking out and distressed, who has themselves had a very long battle with anxiety and stress, and not then balance it afterward by explaining that you were just having a bad day, is not very sensitive or fair IMO. I think this is where the problem lies....

She may not be consciously aware of it, but she is seeking out my company, mainly when she needs to offload, then getting on with her life. I am however, left with the impression, that her life is a nightmare, and she can't cope and doesn't know what to do. I am carrying that around, believing that this is her reality. Naturally I am feeling concerned and worried about her, whilst she has forgotten all about what she said when she was in a state.

I am not angry any more. I am hurt, but not angry. Bearing in mind that my opinion is not coloured with anger any more, I still feel that she is missing my energy NOT me.

Doesn't make her a bad person, but is she bringing anything positive into my life anymore?

I have been through hell the last 3 months, I could have really done with a friend to rally round and support me, but she was nowhere. She has really let me down. All hurt and disappointment aside, I genuinely haven't missed her at all. This time apart, has made me realise that I was getting f**k all from her anyway, and if anything, things have been better for me because at least I haven't had to deal with feelings of rejection and not being cared for by her. If we aren't in contact anymore, she can't make me feel rejected or insignificant by not bothering to reply to me.

It is good to get this all down on paper.

All things considered, I am not going to refuse to have anything to do with her....but from now on, it needs to be on my terms. If she continues to treat me like my feelings don't matter, then I won't seek out her company. It is now in her hands.

I honestly don't mind, if someone genuinely forgets to reply to a text - we all do it. What is not ok, is never acknowledging it is happening and apologising afterward, doing it regularly, only phoning when you need to offload, and not taking an interest in my life. When I talk about things I can tell she hasn't a clue what I am talking about, because she hasn't been listening in the past, and she can't ask questions or take an interest for fear of exposing this. She knows very little about my life these days, as she simply hasn't been interested.

I see the people in my life as affecting me in a similar way to weights affecting a set of scales. I would rather be completely alone, and have an even set of scales (therefore not be drained and used), than have people in my life who take much more than they give and throw me right out of balance, overloading the "taking" pan, without putting anything in the "giving" pan. I don't keep a flipping tally of what is "owed" to me, where people have to pay back every good deed I do, but I need at least half back of what I give out. I think that is totally reasonable and healthy.

Anyway. That is where I am at emotionally, and the most significant thing I have to write on here, because when I am going through hard things, I am vulnerable to gambling.

I haven't gambled, but am going to keep this bonus ball for charity, thing under review, as it may start triggering urges. I have had some urges while in front of the lotto machine lately, and am aware this could be linked to the competition - so I will keep an eye on it and do what is necessary if it becomes a problem.

hey f ..

just read your post....pitstopping and will repost when I get to hotel after work...xxxx

Always love seeeing your name on p1 xx

laters

hugs

from R ...south wales : ) xx

Hiya f

I think that setting bouundaries is healthy and a sign that your self respect and your needs are being put as important ...

Sometimes it comes as a shocker when its someone close to us...or maybe we are just so grateful to have someone when we are down on oursleves so when we

get recovery we see it for what it is/

I know its not out of malice that your pal does this but I too know those friends who just want to offload and then when they are ok...they go and pile lots of energy, consideration and reciprocate with other people who it appears they "''respect"..and we end up feeling w*f...!!

That was the biggest driver of anger with my ex...the laptop may aswell have been another woman....but going back to friends....something i do now is not be as available or see certain people away from the house so if im getting fed up i can terminte the conversation and leave.

I do this so i dont feel offloaded onto,rejected and then used.

When this was happening in my own home I felt all those things whereas now it feels more balanced. I have three people in my life who offload this way ..one male and two female.

I made a list of everyone who I see as "close" to me and idetified who their primary relationship was with

(spouse and kids aside) i wasnt at the top of anyones list so why are those folk at the top of mine?

One of them is my bestie ...who comes to mine and within minutes it gets on about her estranged relationship with her mother and sister who live down south.

For years ,seeing how much this has hurt her I have always gone along the lines of keep your distance so you wont get hurt....i feel like iim almost having an affair with her as her primary focus is this broken relationship spanning back years.

Now ive changed tack....Iim actively encouraging her to bury the hatchett and make peace as this is never going to go away and im trying to be husband,mum,sister and friend to her to fill the gaps and its STILL not enough as she is still in mourning.

Its like unrequited love... and our relationship is co victim and not healthy.We dont have fun as pals its all counselling stuff..

So..when i see her next I will say ..."put your energy into patching it up with your family and if there is anytime left over then give us a bell"....in the meantime Im not sitting by the phone and staying in and if I move on then so be it.

Anyhoooo..hope that makes sense hun and reassure you your not alone xxxx

Hugs

R and D xxx

Hi Freda... interesting thoughts in your last post. I can see how hurt you feel about your supposed best friends behaviours towards you or lack of. It sounds like she is simply not able to show meaningful support and friendship to you because she is so wrapped up in her own unhappiness. From what you say I don't think that there is any malice towards you its just where she is "at" in her self.

Must admit it makes me think about myself and how ive let friendships drift away because I have not made contact. Its not usually because I don't like the person (though occasionally it is) its because am either feeling unhappy in myself (and isolating) or I simply procrastinate, I will phone tomorrow and then tomorrow never comes and the longer it goes on the harder it becomes to make contact. But its never a deliberate act of malice towards the person... its just me.. am a bit of a dreamer. I think about people I know quite alot but struggle to keep contact.

Having said all of this I have a few friends that are in cold storage quite alot and neither of us makes contact for months and then suddenly we meet up and its as if the time in between never happened... the friendship is still there. I never hold it against somebody if they don't keep in contact with me... cos that would make me a hypocrit.

Anyway ive gone on a bit... I hope you have got through them pesky urges to gamble. Keep safe... S.A 🙂

Hi freda,

Sorry 2 read u have been going thru a tough time. I really hope u r ok 🙂

U r such a caring person Freda, u deserve nothing but happiness 🙂

Stay strong xxxxxxxxxx

hey f xx

just doin a drive by on my nightly rounds....saw your light on ..lol

night hun

R and D xx