Hope

SA

Fella I understand how the feeling of spending money triggers feelings of guilt, but that is your hard earnt and sounds like you bagged a bargain. Well done!! Ensure you take them up on there free service and fill out the warranty and send it off.

Oh and maybe a new lock!!!

Don't be too hard on yourself my friend, again looking over the fence you did good!!

So two weeks left and then I look forward to reading of how hard you find wallpapering too!!!!! Lol.

Enjoy the new wheels, remember easy on the braking, took me ages to get used to the disc, they make a huge difference.

Enjoy your day duncs.

Stepping forward never back.

P.s your right about the winter!! Took the hounds out early to beat the rain and boy was it cold!!

Hey SA,

New bike!!! Hard earned cash well spend my friend!! 🙂

Fully understand how you feel about this developing change in your life. It is defo scary as hell. But you have to keep the optimism going. It is for yourself, open road to navigate. It can be stressful, it always is. But everything eases off with time.

Keep breathing, running and believing. Never give up hope and that huge heart of yours will find the way out of any tough situation.

Well done for ur fab continues abstinence. Keep adding the days up SA, it is only for the better :-)))

Take care and keep it up!!

Have a calm and stress free Sunday, and I hope it stays that way for the coming week :-)....and forever!!!

Sandra x

Day 435 gambling free

Thanks both 🙂

Am not sure I feel guilty about the bike I bought Dunc's. I think its just straight forward money stress i.e. wouldn't it be better that I put that money on to my rent account instead. But when I think about it, its not a luxury this bike, its not a cream cake, its nothing to feel guilty about.. its a necessity, it gets me to work and it gets me to the shops and it gets me over to my friends house, it saves me money not having to get the smelly old bus. Am keeping a note of the times I use my bike instead of getting the bus and jotting down how much money ive saved and hence how long it will take for the bike to pay for itself.

Work has been ok today. My colleague who talks a lot has been talking about me to the boss, she really wants me to stay. She says its wrong that the company has made no effort to stop me leaving or to offer me a transfer to somewhere else or to even acknowledge the hard work that ive put in over time. She says that I need a break from the centre as ive been there the longest.

Normally I would be a bit miffed about someone talking about me to the boss without my permission but on this occasion I don't mind. Its kind of lets see if there is a reaction a "we need you" type reaction or a "you are a valued member of staff lets see if we can work something out so you don't leave the organisation" type reaction.

My gut feeling is that nothing will happen and I will leave. I think it really is what I want but I do have my moments of doubt... well maybe it hasn't been that bad, maybe I could stay a little longer...bla bla bla. I think am just going through a process of letting go.

In reality my collegue who talks a lot has her own selfish motives of course. Occasionally she says things like "well who's going to look after me" meaning its the likes of me who protect her from the worst of the challenging behaviour and runs around after clients etc... but like I say if the company approaches me.. I will listen to what they have to say.. and consider what they have to say. I think its all pie in the sky though really... 9 shifts to go.

No gambling problems.. just life problem's and its the life problems that lead to the gambling..so its all relevant.

Thanks for listening... S.A

SA

Fella as you said the bike is a practical tool, a life tool.

As for the rest

The old coulda, woulda, shoulda!! Springs to mind, my view.

its nice to have a choice!!

You earnt that, for it be proud.

duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi SA,

Thank you for ur post. Was a bad day yesterday, but seem to get bk to normal today...hangover stops me from overthinking lol...yuk..never again !! 🙂

I do attach to ppl quickly, and then it hurts if they leave . But I do accept recovery as being bespoke, and always wish folk all the best on their journeys away from the forum. It is a choice we make, nothing changes if nothing changes. I just feel myself here, will keep taking it day at a time..and if time comes to move on, it comes, no pressure.

I hear your doubts about changes in ur life. I was exactly the same. It is hard to leave old working place, but door is shutting and new door is opening. You will not know until you try my friend.

I know you will b fine SA, you deserve more peace and happiness in your life. New chapter for a better future. Keep optimism and belief going. YOU ARE WORTH IT

Have a good day

Sandra x

Day 436 gambling free

Thank you both 🙂

Your words are very comforting Sandra. It crosses my mind that I may be able to pick up shifts with the company (as well as agency work) after I have left, at any of their projects. It may be an option to keep a little money ticking over whilst I consider my route back to full time work. I am becoming more comfortable with my decision to leave... I need a level of freedom in my working life. Ive lived and breathed this place for 3 years and its affected my mental health too much.

Am very tired, had to go in early due to staff sickness and stay late. Time to chill and then sleep. Thanks for listening... S.A

P.s I am taking each day as it comes and digging deep.... 8 full time shifts to go!

Day 437 gambling free.

Just checking in. Feeling ok today and no gambling problems.

Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Hi SA,

I guess if you have any doubts about why you are leaving your job, then a quick look back over yesterday's post should leave you in no doubt you're making the right decision. While it may be possible to pick up shifts, make sure you're getting paid for every hour you're there, after all, you will no longer have the responsibility or role to go in early and leave late.

Sometimes we all need time to recharge our batteries, and from your descriptions three years at your workplace is more than enough. I'm sure I've said it before, but hope you can find some more time for R&R before you leap back into work.

All the best

Ryan

Day 438 gambling free

Thanks Ryan... I think your spot on. How you describe my situation is pretty much how I feel. Funnily enough our most challenging client at the centre is also called Ryan... not to say that you have challenging needs of course! 😉

Another crazy day of muddling through at work... 6 shifts to go!

My friend came round last night. He got his benefits yesterday, paid what he needed to pay (mostly) and gambled the rest. He's been doing some decorating for one of his elderly neighbours and is now completely reliant on this neighbour giving him enough money (for services rendered) to see him through the next 12 days to his next benefits payment. Its hand to mouth existence, muddling through only. This is the life of a compulsive gambler. I don't want it to be me. Reminder to self: phone agency early next week about future work.

Thinking about a run but the weather is really cold and grim here. Think I will go though.

Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Day 439 with not a penny gambled in that time.

Still wrestling with what to do about work... 5 shifts to go... several options and permutations and possibilities. All I know for sure is that I don't want to work where I work now... too much stress for two little money. The 2 main options are...

Option 1... Try and withdraw resignation and ask to be transferred. There is somewhere I have in mind.. a supported living place.. 12 hour shifts, slightly more money, a fare old cycle but doable.

Option 2... Leave as planned, join the bank list picking up shifts as well as work through the agency... come across somewhere I like and then return to full time.

There are pro's and con's to both. I can guess that many of you would be thinking... do option 1... the safer option, guaranteed work bla bla.. but then its not a simple as that in my mind. I work for a s**t company... no sick pay, no pension, no company wide pay rise in the 3 years iv'e been here and the company ethos seems to be... "just deal with it".... Anyway big boss not in till Tuesday at the earliest, so I can muse and confuse myself till then....

Thanks for listening folks... no gambling thoughts... but my addiction still lurks within ready to pounce at a moments notice... S.A

Hi SA

As long as you stay away from those dreaded machines you have a fighting chance ion life. We all make decisions some for good some for bad. Only you know what you want to do and whatever your choice it will be the right one for you. Hope this makes sense

Take care

I agree with smiler my dear friend,

You have it in ur heart already, only you can decide. Life is not always fair, but we do need these changes. For the better or worse, we come out the other end eventually.

Believe in yourself

You doing brill

Keep breathing and believing

Day at a time

S x

Stay calm and carry on xxx

S.A.

I hope things get sorted quickly on the job front. Also, I hope you braved the cold and got those running trainers on tonight. I went out at half seven this morning for fifty minutes and feel great for it. I must have been in a trance because I can hardly remember where I went.

Have a nice weekend.

Tomso.

Hi SA,

Not sure about the Ryan you encounter at work, but I certainly have challenging needs, with strange sleeping and eating patterns, occasionally a rollercoaster of emotions and a pain in the backside when drunk.

Although I think that my work sucks, it is the actual s**t shovelling that I have to do is the worst, as at least we do get decent benefits, pay rises and bonuses etc. January is the busiest time of year as I work for a bank, and all of the self employed people are getting their tax returns in order and need copies of statements, pay bills etc.

Here's hoping you have a chilled weekend, it's easy to say there's no point worrying about what you want to do until Tuesday, but I know it would prey on my mind all weekend too.

Stay strong, and keep fighting the good fight.

Ryan

Day 440 gambling free.

Thank you for your support everybody. I will get back to you all over the weekend. This place and its vibrant community continues to bolster my strength and resolve to remain gambling free.

Today I am in a good mood. Partly its the relief of having got through the working week once more and being able to chill and relax and do the things that I like to do. A solid 9 miler this morning and before the wind picked up and then went up town for breakfast and to buy a few bits. later I go to mates place for chess, dinner and snooker in the evening.

More thoughts about work. I am a little naïve when it comes to the company I work for. Previously I have always worked for charities, not by design its just the way things have worked out. But the company that I currently work for is a "for profit" company and ive come to realise that with this company everything is about money even when its purpose is to provide services to provide care packages for adults with learning disabilities.

I suppose in principle this is fine if the services provided are of high quality and tailored to the individual. But the reality is that this is not the case. The centre that I work in is a fairly big building which has potential to provide many therapeutic activities and stimulating environments. The reality is that most of the rooms and spaces within the centre are devoid of anything. Its just a series of largely empty rooms and it has been this way for the whole time I have been there. We use to have a Jacuzzi room but when it broke it was never fixed and then the jacuzzi was removed. There is next to nothing for the clients to do at the centre and then they get bored and frustrated and play up and demand to go out. Don't blame them.

Anyway back to the "for profit" company. Ive come to realise that my role as a worker is this. Its to show up on time, its to pick the client up on time. its to say as little as possible to parents or carers as to the reality of what there son or daughter is going to and what they are actually doing in practice. its about returning the client on time and saying nothing.

It is of course about keeping the client safe, safe from attack by other clients and from dangers in the environment.. of course it is... but when working for "for profit company" you do this with the minimum number of staff possible. If you are a conscientious and motivated worker then more fool you... cos they see that you can do the job of two support workers, you can cope... you can deliver said client back from where they come without bruises or scratches and wearing the hat and coat that they actually came in. You are saving the company some money and thus increasing the profit to those that set up the company.

In the "for profit" company, it is also necessary to keep costs to a minimum. What this means in practice is that the "for profit" company pays staff the minimum that is required by law or the minimum to continue to be able to replace those that leave. Of course the "for profit" company does not provide sick pay or a pension or any benefits to its workers whatsoever because this would reduce the profits to those that set up the company.

I think I have been a fool to think that the company actually had any interest in my personal development. As long as I continue to fulfil the function that I have been employed to do.. that is all that matters. It is of little consequence to the "for profit" company whether I am good or I am useless at my job.. as long as client does not get hurt and is picked up and delivered home at the correct times.

The "for profit" company us not concerned about the clients personal development... as long as the money keep rolling in. The " for profit" company is not concerned about keeping experienced staff because the experienced staff is easily replaced from the job centre and will fulfil the role of the job or they won't... but as long as the money keeps rolling in.

I guess there are companies out there who are worse. Companies who get away with not even paying the minimum wage or don't pay the workers tax to the taxman so the tax man then chasses the worker but by gum it doesn;t seem right to me that "for profit" companies are allowed to operate in the care sector... and with seemingly so little oversight as to what is happening in practice. We have clients that don't have care plans. It's not right.

All companies have to be competitive and all companies have to do business but when money seemingly becomes the be all and end all then something has gone seriously wrong. I don't like working for "for profit" company. I vote with my feet. I want to work for a charity. Charitable companies sit better with my ethos with my outlook. I care and I want the firm that I work for to care as well.

Moan over. Thanks for listening.. S.A