The Butterfly Effect

Day 10

I don't have an awful lot to share from today. My diary is all consumed and mind focussed at the moment with work. I haven't had any urges to gamble today, I can't see myself wanting to gamble again right now. I'm looking forward to my next counselling session on Friday, where we will talk about triggers in a bit more depth.

I was needing to do some life admin earlier for the next year, and as I was looking through things I have planned for the next year I was envisaging how great it would feel if I could get to those points with less weight on my back from the heavyness of gambling. I can see myself being that person and almost imagine what that relief would feel like.

This morning I decided I was going to take a couple of suggestions from stuart and put them into practice, before I started work. I got my little notepad out, and wrote 10 things I am grateful for. I then found a little guided early morning 10 minute meditation, and then had a 5 minute stretch. I did feel a little boost of positivity from this and it helped me to start my day with more focus and a clearer mind. Thanks Stuart.

£50 in my savings kitty so far marking 10 days of being GF. 

Hi Fran

Don't thank me, thanks Bill W who set up AA and 12 step recovery. It works though doesn't it. When I was asked to do it, I thought you must be kidding. I'm 56 and I'm going to meditate. What have I got to be thankful for. Serenity prayer, yeah ok I like that. Meditation worked straight away, loved it. Couldn't think it would ever work for me but it does. I have to remember that every long term gamble free person I've spoken to has that morning routine and do it every single day.

I actually looked at my gratitude list from the start and wow it's changed. Are you able to share your gratitude list Fran ?

Mine this morning was

1. Our 12 steps meeting that I am looking forward to. All its guidance to a way of thinking that I never imagine possible.

2. For a clear head not driven by obsession and addiction

3. For a fog free day today. The sun will shine through the clouds this morning 

4. For the cold air this morning

5. For shelter over my head and feeling safe today

6. For food in the cupboards to feed my family

7. For all the support and love I have around me

8. For my health. For appreciating walking and excuse again without a good club in my hand

9. For the birds singing every morning which makes life feel real

10. For God and connecting with him again so he is in my life

@12o8g9i0xr Thanks Fran 😊.

Feel free to follow me on my diary and I will look forward to reading about your progress - the good, the bad and the ugly!! That’s how it can get! The important thing however, is that we remain hopeful and determined whatever is being thrown at us.

If when I was gambling and be in the position I am currently in, this would have been a huge trigger. My main trigger for gambling was always when I was feeling financially vulnerable. Never in my life did I think I would find myself being unemployed 🙈. Of course, being always employed and having a smallish private pension also means that I am currently receiving a pittance in benefits ☹️. This is the first time I have ever had to go to the job centre. Aged 63 as well!🥴.

Anyway, the main thing I wanted to highlight is that even going through all this and the worry and anxiety it is causing, I absolutely know that gambling WILL NOT help my situation. If anything, it will make it worse, financially, emotionally and physically 👎. I am done and dusted with those gut wrenching days and evenings that  my gambling caused 👊💪.

Take care and will catch up soon.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

P.s: Can you tell I am unemployed and still up at this hour reading diaries!🥴. Still I will take this any day over being awake at this hour gambling!👎.

Hi Fran,

Thanks for checking in. Yeseterday was good. No urges and keep myself busy. How about you?

Yeah the agent I spoke to is setting me up with a counsellor to speak to. Looking forward to giving it a go. I just talked for around 30 mins to the agent and she was great and listened. 

Cricket season isnt far away now and its getting a bit warmer. Just need to connect. We have a lovely house bur I hate being in it at the moment especially if Im on my own.

Yeah what you say abour your partner hits home. I feel the same way right now. 

Hope you have a good day. We can do this.

Rich

Hello Francesca

Thanks for posting on my recovery diary. Having read through yours, I see from your journal and from our previous interactions that we both struggle with binge cycles of gambling. It is good that you have posted regular updates to your recovery diary and I am going to try and do the same.

You mentioned counselling last week on Friday - can I ask how that went? That is something I am strongly considering. So far the closest I have got to that is posting all of my gambling habits and history into an AI app. Much of the insight about myself and some of the suggestions (such as signing up to Gamcare) have been very helpful. However, I understand it is not a substitute for real life counselling, so I am wondering what that was like and if you found it helpful?

Hi Fallout

I'm sure Fran will reply but as a second opinion, I'm with Breakeven which Gamcare kindly referred me to. It's been a life changer !!!! My counsellor is helping me to understand what the problem is in my head and thoughts so I understand and don't want to bet which is where I am at.

Mind you, had a dream last night about relapsing and woke up in a sweat 

On Day 13, on Friday the 13th ... cue spooky music - da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da.

I had a pretty s**t day yesterday; terrible sleep the night before (if any), rough day in the office, didn't really eat much until the evening. 

My brain thought of me though - sent a parcel with a gambling urge, with a label addressed just for me. How kind of my brain, especially when I don't usually get these parcels this early on from when it gave me the last one. It was in the same wrapping as it usually is (must have paper left on the roll). 

Did I open it? ... I tried to have a look around the folds in the paper, but then my new gifts recently given to me by the GamCare team and myself stopped me from ripping it open. I was quite disappointed in this at first, and was mentally trying to think about ways I could get around the blocks, searching the files in my mind for strategies to get around these.

...And then I fell asleep, had a good snooze on the sofa for 2 hours from being completely shattered from the days events. And when I woke up, the parcel was gone - packaged up by my subconcious and returned to sender whilst I was sleeping. 

So what triggered that? ... answers lie above "I had a pretty s**t day yesterday; terrible sleep the night before (if any), rough day in the office, didn't really eat much until the evening.". This was enough for me to momentarily forget about all I've been trying to achieve the last couple of weeks, ignore the focus I have had on getting my finances in order, crash through my savings jar. Escapism. The sleep turned out to be the escapism I needed right at that time, and a bit of nurishment. 

Well boy I was glad when I woke up this morning and I wasn't hungover from a gambling binge, or that I wasn't still trapped in the zone, with money in an offshore dodgy casino balance somewhere chanting to me from the moment I woke up. Instead my mind was quiet and thankful. 

Hi Fran

Well done. You might have seen on my diary that wednesday night I had a dream that I had relapsed. Woke up in a sweat and it stayed with me all day.

The problem with addiction is that it talks in your own voice. How are we supposed to ignore our own voice and thoughts, very cruel. I woke up, spoke to people about it and then it drifted away. I had no urge to gamble. Another voice all week has been saying just look at the Cheltenham results, it's not gambling, you love horse racing. Back door attempt from my addiction easily quashed and haven't looked 

Two weeks tomorrow for you which is amazing. Even your posts are showing more and more determination so you sound like a little pocket rocket. Well done. When you are going through hell you need to keep going

 Hey Rich!

That's great on the counselling front, when do you have your first session? How has the rest of this week gone for you, have you been going into the office?

We can indeed do this - power to the people 🙂

Fran

Hey Rich!

That's great on the counselling front, when do you have your first session? How has the rest of this week gone for you, have you been going into the office?

We can indeed do this - power to the people 🙂

Fran

Hi Fallout,

I'm finding the posting quite therapeutic ... and I think it is giving a different way of processing thoughts and the days as they go back, which might normally get lost very quickly. 

Yes definitely. So, the GamCare team referred me - and I have been set up with over the phone sessions on a weekly basis. Today was my second call. They gave me an option to do 1 hour sessions, or half hour sessions. I've gone for the half hour sessions, as quite a lot can be talked about in that time. I've found it good so far. The first session was very much me setting the scene (history around my addiction, little bits and pieces around the pillars of my life), we did a couple of questionnaires to gauge my feelings toward gambling over the last year and then another which was more health and wellbeing related. The intention is to repeat that questionnaire on a weekly basis reflecting on the last week. I found it easy to speak openly with the counsellor, they weren't pushy and didn't ask me anything I didn't want to be asked. They were also really supportive and knowledgable about causes, effects, harms etc. around gambling.

My second session today was good as well. So we talked quite a lot about triggers, I told her about my little episode last night as well. It just feels good to actually vocalise and talk about this stuff, rather than just think to myself about it. We did the questionnaires again, and it has been a major improvement to what I rated things at last week - which is really positive. She's now asked me to have a think about more healthy distractions and hobbies/activities, which I can focus on when I have trigger moments. We talked briefly about this, and we will talk more in depth about it next Thursday.

I also had a chat with an AI app about a month ago. I think the human interaction is really good, being able to talk about it out loud in a safe environment with someone who understands and is there to help and support. I also feel a good sense of accountability to keep myself focussed. I'd fully encourage it, you could give a couple of sessions a go and see if it's for you 🙂

How has the end of your week been?

Well done Fran. Counselling can make such a big difference when it's someone who understands the problem

Hi Stuart,

Thank you, and yes really annoying and cruel that it talks in our own voice. The person we should be able to trust the most. I'm sorry you had a bad night and dream, but glad to hear it drifted away and you had no urges, even if it was trying to break in the back door (very sly). 

I'm catching up on your posts across the forum, I haven't had much chance to read a lot this week. Have you had a good week overall, hope you have something nice planned for the weekend? I do think you should be able to have a little celebration when you hit your milestones, it takes a lot of energy this journey. Can I come to your 100+ year tea party btw? 

Keep on moooovin' - all the very best 

Lol Fran. My partner is really hurt but I completely understand, bite my tongue and don't take offence. It's like riding a rollercoaster without the high's. But for now I am in our home and not living at my parents, that's a gift. I have simplified my life and it's so good. 

@12o8g9i0xr Lovely to read Fran 👌👏👏.

Sleep deprivation is the worst thing for making us feel down, emotional and vulnerable. I am currently suffering from terrible sleep deprivation so at the minute, I am just dozing as and when I can. Some sleep is better than no sleep!👍. Plus, when I have had the occasional good 7 hours sleep, it makes such a difference to my mind, body and soul.

Keep going Fran. The number 13 may be unlucky for some but not for you it seems 👊💪.

Hope you have a lovely weekend and a nice break from work 🤞🙏.

Take care.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.