The Butterfly Effect

Onto the second week of the commitment I am making to myself, and some introspection to bring focus through the next week:

The Man in the Glass - Peter Dale Wimbrow Sr.
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that man has to say.

For it isn't your father or mother or wife,
Who judgment upon you must pass;
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one starring back from the glass.

He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest.
For he's with you clear up to the end,
And you've passed the most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.

You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
And think you're a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a b*m
If you can't look him straight in the eye.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years.
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be the heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass.

Hi Fran

Wow, that's powerful for a Sunday but it's so true. I think a lot of gamblers aren't happy in their own skin. I've always wondered about statement and what it meant. Yes of course some people aren't happy with the way they look but I came to think that skin referred to the glossy facade I put up, the smiling to cover up the pain, lavish spending when winnings allowed to atone. A fake persona only I knew existed when addiction need fuel. High functioning.

We all need to be able to face life head on. Escapism is what gambling promised but needed more of our soul each time until we were broken and had nothing left to give. As we grow stronger so does the addiction through complacency which is where invisible barriers like blocks and accountability aid us to the right decision. Today I chose not to gamble. My life isn't perfect but never needs to be. Today I try to be the best version of myself with all its imperfections. Today I simplify my life and reach back to a time where priceless commodities were shelter and food. The days where a good day was not being attacked by a wild animal. Today I write 10 things I am grateful for as part of the 12 steps. Today I meditate to cleanse my mind and start the day as a positive. Today I read the serenity prayer. Anyone who is not religious can read this as an architecture to life beyond gambling. Today I will be kind and loving. Each day I will practice to be a better person. I will wake, enjoy my day and sleep then repeat. Each day is a blank canvas and we all hold our own paint brush and palette. Only through our ideas and actions can we paint a picture of each day. This has no need to be a masterpiece

Hi Stuart,

I think you're right. This poem particularly resonates, as everytime I've found myself at the bottom of the barrel and on the gambling come-down, i've looked at myself in the mirror and have felt so detached. I've looked at my reflection and thought to myself - "why am I doing this to myself". I've not ever asked that question hard enough though. I have also worn the fake smiles, and morphed into another persona for the outside world and to carry me through the day, though on the inside there has always been a part completely distracted, lost and screaming. Never fully present. 

Escapism it did promise, and escamism it delivered ... it however did not include the Gambling Escapism Information Leaflet, listing all the extreme warnings and unwanted side effects. Today, we chose not to escape and for that I am grateful - the price of our souls is not worth it.

How much more wonderful is life trying to be the best version of ourselves, that is priceless, even with the imperfections. The commitment to doing our best, and knowing we are trying our best. Nothing worth having comes easy.

Keep on going Stuart - you're doing the d**n thing! Serenity, Courage & Wisdom. I'm so appreciative of the words you share on here for yourself and for others. Today has been a good day 🙂

o*g I absolutely.love this Fran and could talk to you for hours. You have such insight in week two and are expressing your feelings without boundaries which is amazing. I think when the time is appropriate for you, telling your boyfriend wont carry the consequences you fear. Life works out after all and if he is the one then he will understand and work through this for himself and you.

I would love to deep dive into your soul as i imagine there is a beautiful, kind, loving person there, far removed from the face and life you painted like all of us as gamblers that had no soul, no moral value, no depths it could not fall. I hope you have scaled the walls built by addiction that hides in anxiety and entered a GA room. Your tribe is waiting for you there when you are ready. I attended a meeting two weeks ago. I did not know the town let alone the building. One side was dark and the other side had a group of ladies doing pilates. The addiction side of me looked for a reason to escape. Part of me wanted to join the Pilates class lol, only joking. Cars arrived and I thought, well how do I recognise a compulsive gambler. They don't wear badges, they don't have name tags. They are all different ages, creeds and backgrounds. I guess the majority drive cheaper cars due to former lost battles. My old ways of life tried to creep in looking for an out. Looking to shy away from life. All I needed was connection. The simple solution was to ask someone so I did. The next two hours were spent chatting, supporting, empathising, caring, listening and learning from others who just simply - got me ! That day, those two hours were the best version of me. More so it was the real Stuart shining through. That true and honest persona has always been growing in the background behind the addiction which manifested as a villain. That version of me flourishes is honesty, calm, tranquility and peace. Why chase the rainbow when it carries no monetary value and is there for all of us. A sober life free from gambling. 

That pull isn't there anymore. The compulsion has gone. The chaos subsided. There is no complacency in that statement and this will be a lifetime with no fixed state, but today I am not afraid. Today I am safe. Today I enjoy the simple attributes of life.

Gambling wants more. It is relentless and always wants more until there is no more to give. Time, emotions, health, money, it takes it all and spits you back broken when it has no more use of you. 

The simplest and hardest solution to life is don't gamble 

Hi.

I'm new this to this community and after reading Fran's posts can really resonate with everything she mentions. 

Im at a stage where I have the motivation to stop gambling after 6 years and thousands of pounds lost and am trying to get into daily habits such as exercise and being kind to myself.

I tend to go a couple of weeks without gambling aņd then relapse in a big way. Binge gambling which has drained my savings and neatly put me in debt.

Working from home and isolation is a killer for me and Im going to try to connect with communties on here to get through this 

Love Stuarts post about trying to be the best version of yourself each day. 2 days Gambling free so very eatly days but feel more positive about recovery this time.

Hi Rich,

Thanks for posting, and nice to meet you. Also really great that you have made a commitment to yourself and are feeling positive. I hope some of what I'm sharing helps others to reflect, even though I appreciate we all have our own experiences, and journeys to navigate. 

When did you join GamCare? It's great to hear you're engaging in positive and healthy habits, with the exercise and being kind to yourself. I think exercise is such a great way to build up motivation and resilience. I often find that when I am exercising, I am not gambling. What exercise do you enjoy?

When you talk about isolation, is this isolation generally or in relation to the gambling specifically? I understand what you mean by both of these - I work from home and it is so much easier to have access and time to gamble in this environment. 

Have you thought about starting a recovery diary for your journey? I'd love to connect with you and understand more about your story and check in routinely.

All the best 🙂

Thanks for the reply Fran. Only joined Gamcare on Friday and spoke to a support agent today. Managed to stay gamble free for 3 days now which is a start.

Exercise wise I'm trying to walk/jog as much as possible. Lucky to have some countryside nearby and made a pact to myself on Saturday afternoon that at 3.04pm in 2027 on March 7th I would do the same walk and stay gamble free for a year. Might be too ambitious but feels like a goal I wanna set out to achieve. 

Ahhh...the isolation. Thats what does for me. I generally wfh 1-2 days a week and thats when I relapse. Told myself I just cant wfh anymore. Must connect with people and not get inside my own ahead.

Not got as far as a recovery diary yet. Just following Stuarts advice about naming 10 things I'm grateful for each morning. Will think hard about starting a diary.

Yeah would like to keep checking in. 

Hope you had a good day today.

Rich

Hi Rich

I'm only talking about my recovery but everyone kept saying to me don't look to far ahead. My normal , I'm 56 you can't teach me anything response was there as usual. Then I finally got it. It takes practice but the past is full of hurt and gambling. Don't forget it but don't live in it as that's where relapse hides. The future isn't worth worrying about, we can only do things today, tomorrow will eventually become today so just concentrate on that. We all have to have goals but I try and think, is there anything I can do today towards that goal. 

Isolation, not sure I realised how bad it was for me. Until recovery I didn't realise that smile I put on and wasn't present. You have an added dimension of working from home. Connection is everything in recovery. You can say hello to people when walking or running. Look around and connect to nature, notice buildings, and just the environment. That's also connection. Buy a coffee and strike up a short conversation with the person that takes your order. Ring a couple of friends each day just for a chat. Connection gives you dopamine and really makes you feel good. It removed that isolation feeling 

This is just what has worked and is working for me. I do think one month and two months have milestone markers that saw dramatic change and understanding with myself and of myself 

Hi @Rich,

I only properly joined a week last saturday, so we're new here together :). 3 days is a good start, that's three days not still stuck in tunnel vision. 

What I wanted to do whilst I'm in the early days after the last gambling session, is to try and capture as many of my thoughts and feelings as possible down in writing. My plan ... as I suspect the urges might come a few weeks or months down the line, is to use this as an extra layer of armour when my brain starts to get distracted and start leading me down the path. I know it's not a matter of if but when. 

Nice you've got the countryside nearby, and hopefully as the days start to get longer this will add a little bonus. I love your pact that you made for 1 years time, thats a brill idea and something which will feel so rewarding. I think I might just have to copy that, in some shape or form. 

Are you planning to go into the office 5 days a week? Hopefully it's not too much of a hassle to get to and bringing the extra benefits of connection.

How do you like to spend your spare time, when the gambling isn't trying to consume you?

Fran 🙂

Hi Fran

Yeah the diary you describe makes a lot of sense. My only worry is it will get found. Right now I have told no one apart from this community and a support agent about my addiction. Doesnt feel the right time and I dont want to burden my wife who already has a lot going on with more stress etc. One oftnhe things I did over the weekend which I feel awful about was damage old i phones that we have in the house including my kids. Damaged charging ports etc. Anything to stop access to the horrible sites. Maybe will communicate in the future but not now. 

I like to play golf, cricket and walk removed link Really trying at the moment to just fill my days with stuff and be busy. Yeah Im gonna try and go into the office 5 days a week. How about you...can you not wfh in any way?

Hi Stu,

Taking it a day at a time makes alot of sense. Im guilty of saying to to myself...'I need to get to day 16'...as thats what I got too last time rather than just seeing it as a daily process. If I do that the 1 and 2 month markers will take of themselves.

Connecting with you and Fran is really helping. Combined with exercise/music Im feeling more positive than before.

Am I right in saying that I saw in a previous post that youre a Spurs fan Stu? I am too. Stress levels dont help with being that way inclined. Fingers crossed for tonight.

Lol Rich, all compulsive gamblers support rubbish football teams and spend thousands on them lol

I know you have kept this secret which is your decision and only you can know if and when you want to open up. When I went to my first GA meeting, well it was actually my second as the first was 33 years ago and I threw the orange book in the bin before leaving the car park. I spoke to someone who has 12 years gamble free recovery. He said to me how important it is to build a support network. That does include people which apart from Fran and I is difficult but also things you can turn to when needed. Blocks are an obvious, accountability really helps but connection is key. It's your journey of course so what that looks like for you would be completely different to mine. My network includes some wise people who can keep me grounded and not get two steps ahead. Having the network allows me different levels of support when I need it. 

This site is amazing for support along with get Evive. It helps me to stay in today when I read through topics and get reminded im not alone

@12o8g9i0xr Hi Fran.

Just wanted to say well done on making that first start on your g.f journey and putting vital blocks into place👏👏👏. They are so good at stopping those strong urges right in their tracks and giving you some space in your head to reflect on the downside of gambling even more of your hard earned money 👊.

I also love that little plan you have of saving £5.00 for every day you do not gamble👌. For me, I thrive on setting myself achievable mini goals throughout my journey. These give me something to aim towards and really make me feel good once I have been able to tick them off.

Feel free to take a look at my diary in the “Recovery Diaries” section, called “April Fools”!

Take care and I look forward to following your g.f journey.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Hi Rich, how has your day been today?

I think we are pretty much in the same boat in terms of who we have told. I'm completely on your wavelength in understanding you not wanting to burden your wife - I don't want to burden my partner either, he has so much other stress going on right now ... I would be doing it just for me and not for him, and it wouldn't be fair. I think it's probably then even more important that we can keep engaging and chatting with the community on here. 

Sorry to hear you felt in a position where you needed to take those measures. It is cruel this addiction and can make you feel all sorts of desperation. How did your call with the support agent go, are you thinking of talking to a conusellor at all? They have set me up with a service to have counselling over the phone on a weekly basis - I wonder if this is something you could do too?

Great you've got lots of outdoor hobbies. Is it getting warm enough to play golf and cricket again? 

I can only go in to the office occassionally. But, to be honest ... i'd probably just end up finding a way and time to gamble on my breaks and way to and from work if my mind is on that planet at the time. 

Posted by: @j5a6meyr4z

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@12o8g9i0xr Hi Fran.

Just wanted to say well done on making that first start on your g.f journey and putting vital blocks into place👏👏👏. They are so good at stopping those strong urges right in their tracks and giving you some space in your head to reflect on the downside of gambling even more of your hard earned money 👊.

I also love that little plan you have of saving £5.00 for every day you do not gamble👌. For me, I thrive on setting myself achievable mini goals throughout my journey. These give me something to aim towards and really make me feel good once I have been able to tick them off.

Feel free to take a look at my diary in the “Recovery Diaries” section, called “April Fools”!

Take care and I look forward to following your g.f journey.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Hi Pink Lady,

Thanks for posting on my thread, and for pointing me to your diary. I had a little read of some of your posts over lunch, wow - you've been on such a journey. And a massive well done on finding your balance through a little wobble last year. It's really helpful how honest you and others are on here, as it completely hits it home of how it can resurface even after a long period of time. It looks like you're on a good stint again this time, which is amazing - but sorry to hear of all the stresses you have going on with work etc. 

I think I would like to also set some mini goals at certain points throughout my recovery - I too would like some feel good milestones. 

I look forward to chatting with you some more 😊