The Butterfly Effect

Hey Fran,

Great work on resisting that parcel. That must have been tough but you found a way to get through it. 

My 1st session is Monday. Looking forward to it and hoping to find it as useful as you have. 

This weeks been ok. No bad urges and although 7 days gambling free feels like it should be 70 I'm going in the right direction. Now until day 20 is my vulnerable time so just need to take it 1 bit at a time.

Been in the office quite a bit and connecting/walking/running which is helping. 

Have a lovely weekend.

Rich.

Hi Rich,

Happy Saturday :). It was completely unexpected, I honestly thought it might be at the very soonest, around end of the month payday. Ive been trying to analyse it as much as possible. What is the strangest part about it, is the thought process ... that internal struggle of the addiction thinking, shouting loudly over the part of you that knows its not good. Gets so loud, that it can just drown the other part out so easily. 

Thats great you've got your first session on Monday, i hope it sticks for you and you find it good to get it out vocally. De-clutter the mind, a little by little. 

Yeah, it does seem like its day 70 ... I agree 😂. Have you got many plans in your diary for the next couple of weeks? I think thats it in the early days, trying to make sure time is occupied as much as possible ... and with some dopamine related activity. 

Ahh, are you a usual runner? I was going through a great stint of building my running endurance last year, and I gave up in winter. I honestly think that running is such a great feeling good exercise (even though it can be a mental chore some times). Im going to get back on it next week. Everytime I have been consistently running in the past, I havent been gambling during that time. 

Brilliant, im glad you've had a positive week. That fills me with happiness. 

If you want to chat at any point through the next few weeks, about anything. About it, about something else to distract ... ill be looking out.

Hope you have a great weekend 🩵🌞

14 days done. Two weeks !!!! 

Kaboooooom

Hi Fran

Congratulations on completing two weeks gamble free today. That's utterly amazing. I know as you say you were a binger but you aren't between binges you are truly giving up so that 14 days is real. 

I've saved a quote for you to celebrate 14 days

The only thing about luck is that it will change

Your bad luck in addiction has become good luck in recovery.

Did you do a gratitude list this morning ? Are you comfortable sharing it as I would love to read it

Keep strong my sister from another mister 

By the way Fran, I love the way you have changed your name in just two weeks. First one to be anonymous. Then the change to open and up and use your name, then to what every one calls you which shows growth in two weeks. I do wonder though, will you become FR when you hit a month and just f when you reach a year. Maybe by 10 years you will be the lady previously known as Fran lol or just completely blank 

Just keep it up. You bring joy to the community 

Day 15 in the Recovery House.

I've had a spectacular day today, connecting with family. No gambling urges, no desire to break away from connections to tap the spin button on my phone in a dark corner where no one can see my phone screen.

It's been a day of pure love, laughter and being present in the moment. It was so nice to be able to be completely in the room, enjoying company, sharing stories, debating topics, with those I love most. 

I'm feeling positive going into the week ahead. I'm aware I have a stressful event coming up with work at the end of the week, and am purposely planning my evening before and after this so I don't fall into a escapism trap. Tomorrow I will also dust off my running shoes and go and get outside, and clear my mind. Slightly dreading it, but I know it will be okay when I get going after a couple of weeks.

@stuart, I will also share some a couple of my grateful lists tomorrow. 

Feeling good into the third week of 'project me'.

Thank you for all the love, conversation and connection this week my GamCare friends. You're awesome!

WARNING - Don't stroke the cactus bunny!

Hi Fran

Your enthusiasm is boundless. I think we need to call you the pocket rocket or the Duracell bunny. So glad you had no wobbles today but you've mentioned a lot about working on your mind which for me, I think is key. I know it's been said a million times before but gambling wasn't the problem for me, it's what I thought was the solution but just made the problem bigger (not financial). Find the problem. It will always be there lurking like the addiction but when you know what it is, you can turn a negative into a positive and build the toolbox to do it. I'm still in B and Q on day 116 but I don't mind lol

Keep on turning up 

Have you tried any online meetings ? If you don't fancy the GA ones there are some really good ones run by Gamfam. I went to two on Friday for the first time and they are brilliant. There are others of course and you can only do them when you are ready 

@12o8g9i0xr Glad to see both of us are continuing to have good days and no gambling urges. Keep up the good work.

Good thinking about having a plan in place to avoid the escapism trigger. 

If you are anything like me, the danger will lie after more time passes, when your guard is down. I don't think we will ever be 'cured'  thinking that way is a trap i think.

Well done on another gamble free day.

Hi Fallout

I know a guy in Mexico, great guy, lives and breathes recovery and GA. He went to his first GA meeting aged 16 and he's now 58. He's 7 years gamble free so it took him 35 years of practice and relapses. I think you are absolutely right that we all have to keep our guards up and watch out for the many ways our addiction tries to come back into our lives fully.

Hey Fran,

Weekend was good thanks. Hope yours was too? Managed to keep busy which always helps. 9 days gf now which is a start.

Well done on 2 weeks gf. You are 5 days ahead of me which I can never catch you up on. When you get to 365 days and I'm on 360 we can look back on this post.

Know what you mean about those internal voices shouting out loudly.  I just wish the sun would shine more as it helps my mood and willingness to connect/exercise. 

Had my 1st session today which was mainly questions about my current situation. Found it useful to talk. Spoke about how useful connecting with you and this forum is. Next one is next week.

I'm not a usual runner and just have little fads when I do a stint but then stop. Determined to keep it going but like you its the motivation side of it that I find the toughest. You sound like a whippet. How far do you go on a typical run?

Birthday this Wednesday and have a few things in the diary over the next couple of weeks. Pay day this Friday which I'm trying to plan for properly such as moving direct debits etc to pay day date.

What's your next couple of weeks looking like? I hope the work event goes well. 

Thanks,

Rich.

Into day 20 of my journey - I haven't had much opportunity to sit down and post this week due to work commitments and travelling so apologies for the delay in responding to my fellowship on the forum. "Fellowship of the Forum" - there's a good book, documentary or movie in there for a future reference date.

My week has been really good on the recovery front. I have had a lot of natural distractions this week with work, but have kept finding a little time each day to read the forum posts in the morning, and have made it to a couple of the 8pm chats briefly. 

I sat down and spent some time with a spreadsheet and my finances, to work out where I am at with debts and a strategy for clearing these over the course of the next couple of years. I also built a plan around expenses and savings, so that I can work towards reaching some of the bigger goals I have. I felt a lot better after this, as it has been nagging at me, and I can clearly see now where I am at and what I need to do. If there are others on this forum who haven't done this, and have similar nagging thoughts, I'd encourage this. If you're not sure where to start, StepChange are a great service who will also help with budgeting (even if you don't need formal arrangements setting up). 

I've continued transferring £5 into my dedicated savings pot each day, which helps me mark a successful day of non-gambling, it provides visualisation for me (and I am a very visual person - same goes for putting together the spreadsheet above), it also delivers a little hit of dopamine at the end of each day which gives me a boost. By the end of today I will have £100 in this pot. Stacks up pretty quickly, with patience and perserverance.

I also had my third counselling session yesterday. I took 30 minutes to take a walk in the sunshine, and feel the clean air surround me, whilst I chatted to my counsellor. It was a really positive chat. We talked about healthy methods for distraction for me - activities I can engage in when I can feel a situation arising which would normally lead me into seeking escapism and starting a gambling cycle. The straightforward and easy activities I have pinpointed include 1. running/walking (provides dopamine), 2. reading, 3. puzzles such as sudoku, crosswords, jigsaws (increases production of dopamine), 4. console gaming (provides dopamine), 5. listening to and finding new music (provides dopamine), 6. self-care activities (medatation, cleaning/tidying/organising, looking after my body). Positively, my gambling feelings questionnaire score has remained at 5, and on an even better note my health feelings questionnaire has reduced from 10 to 6. Next week we are going to talk about goals.

Overall I'm feeling a lot brighter and lighter, but I'm also very aware that this is a longer road for me and I need to be cautious not to let my guard down and think that all is okay. I am still scoring myself at the maximum for "I think I have a problem with gambling", on the gambling reflection questionnaire. 

Hi Stuart,

Thank you for your lovely post. Whilst I have this awful addiction and a lot of habits that I need to gradually dissolve, I have been thankfully gifted with a very optimistic outlook on life. No matter how deep down in the barrel I can sometimes feel, I have been given a light that allows me to find the strength to pick myself up, and see the silver lining. I'm thankful to be a half-glass full type of person. I see that same light in many of the fellowship here, yourself included :).

I haven't tried any online meetings yet. There is a local in person meeting in my home town that takes place on a monthly basis, and I am going to go along to it for the first time at the beginning of April and see what it is about. I think I might then see what is available online - online is a bit difficult for me though to talk and be on camera (re my situation at home, and choosing not to share my issues yet in my home life). Appeciate you sharing your thoughts on these and your experience, it makes it much less scary and I think it is something I will look to seek out at the right time. 

Hi Fallout - I too am so pleased we are both continuing on the same path. I think the focus for me now is really trying to incorporate and focus on building the activities into my life as a norm. How has your week been?

All the very best 🙂

Hi Rich,

Glad to hear you had a good weekend last one gone, and managed to stay busy. Are you on day 15 now? How has the week been for you?

The sun has been amazing this week, I agree it gives a completely different outlook and feel good vibes...makes you want to get outside. I do have to day though, that when I was out running last year, I did start to enjoy running in the rain (was just the soggy clothes that were a nuisance). 

I'm super pleased you found it useful to talk to your counsellor, did you do the questionnaires (that I have spoken about above)? 

Where are you up to with the running journey? Are you tracking yourself on any apps or keeping it free flowing? I'm really not a whippet (although I'd like to convince myself I am one to keep myself going). I usually try and do 3 5ks per week, and then when I'm really going for it do a longer run at the weekend and try and build up the mileage - last time I was up to 11k. 

Many happy returns for your Birthday! Do you mind me asking how young? What did you do to celebrate. Have you managed to send money out of your account for bills? This strategy is always a good one, trying to derisk yourself as much as possible in case any temptation gets a hold. I've tried to use this for some time, so can at least reduce some of the financial damage a little bit. 

I've finally managed to get over a couple of big work hurdles. So I'm going to make sure I'm not working long hours the next couple of weeks and try and get into more of a routine with some of the nice hobbies and activities I've identified (which will also be my key go-to's as a distraction). I really have to plan these in though, as if I don't then I tend to let the day fall away from me. I'm also very gratefully going on holiday in 6 weeks, so will be going on a bit of a health kick before that. 

How about you, what does your next couple of weeks look like?

All the best - Fran 🙂

Hi Fran

I don't like using the word should but I'm going to

You should go back and read your first ever post on your diary. 

Ok, unlike me and most people, you didn't see it as a financial problem which shows you had great insight at the start. That said, in those words I read your pain and hopelessness that I was experiencing on day one. Of course we all know about gambling but lack the precious knowledge about recovery

Just look at where you are now !!! That's only a short period of time so do you have any idea how you will flourish over future weeks, months and years. The old Fran is not just coming back, the new Fran is here and gets better and stronger each day. 

I'm sure one day, on your own terms you will want to tell your boyfriend but of course it's your journey and you are the only one to know when to do that. Don't be afraid when you do. Signpost him if he needs it but just explain from your amazing heart. Empty the dustbin and tell him you needed to tell him because you love him. Everyday people surprise me.

I'm glad you've got your finances sorted out but I'm also glad that you didn't get bogged down sorting them out straight away. In GA we are reminded that we are compulsive gamblers and that we have looked for shortcuts all our lives. One big win and I'm sorted - that's the addiction not the conscious of course. 

I love the way you have changed names twice. Was that developing into a butterfly ?

I'm going to sum up your recovery as I've seen it l, well read it. Pat yourself on the back. Look in the mirror with price and most of all Fran, just keep being you. 

Just for today I thank God for Fran and for her being Fran. 

Hey Fran,

Thanks for checking in. Yeah, day 15 now. Had a good week. Sun has shined inside and out.

Did the questionnaires and have another meeting next Wednesday which I'm looking forward to. Haven't ran as much as I wanted to this week due to other stuff going on. Similar to you I just do 3 or 4k at a time at a gentle pace. I'm the opposite of a whippet. 

47th birthday earlier in the week. No idea where my 40s have gone. Celebrated with a nice family meal. Received some money and had pay day aswell so a dangerous time but just chucked straight into savings, bills and petrol. Just trying to see money as a 'thing' rather than it being loaded with importance that gambling makes it.

Have a holiday like you to look forward too in a couple of months. 

Glad you have navigated yourself through big work hurdles and have key go tos as distractions Fran. Hobbies and activities are so crucial and make a massive difference.

Looking through your posts you are such a positive force of good on this forum and are definitely a big part of me making it to day 15. 

Thank you and have a lovely weekend.