The Butterfly Effect

@12o8g9i0xr Hi Fran, yes it's been a good week thanks. Nice and uneventful. I'll try and visit the chatroom at some point soon as well soon as part of my recovery is to stop the secrecy as that feeds my gambling loops. The coming weeks are always a danger for me as the shock and emotion from the last binge is wearing off and it is easy to slip back to playing slots again.

Hi @Stuart,

Your posts are always so considered and make me smile. I'm starting to build this cacoon up slowly but surely, and hope I can flourish and fly high! 

I have read back through my posts, and can still sense check my mind into those feelings of despair and all round fed-up-ness. But I recognise how committed I have remained for the last three + weeks to seriously acknowledging the problem and my route of it - this is new, this feels good, I feel good! Today I have not gambled, and I did not want to gamble. 

Thank you my friend!

Hi Rich - yay!! Huge well done on keeping going and making firm footprints in your recovery journey. I'm so pleased to hear that a) you had a good week and b) The sun shined inside. That's brilliant - bottle that feeling and keep reminding yourself of that sunshine.

Look at us, looking forward to counselling meetings. I don't know about you, but I always expected that counselling in anyform would be daunting. But, it's liberating, and definitely gives the mind something to focus on week to week. 

Time absolutely flies doesn't it, I'd say the same for my 30's (P**f). I imagine your kids keep you busy? Yeah I completely share that sentiment from my perspective, that gambling gives a sense that money is loaded with importance - can make the mind really obsessed with it. 

Thank you for your kind comments, trust that I get a lot of positivity from talking to people in this community and you also have been a big part of me keeping my head up and looking forward :).

Did you have a good weekend my friend?

Hi Fallout - thanks for checking in and it will be great to see you at one of the chatrooms again when you're able to make it. I'm also starting to get near danger territory as the days and weeks stack up, but I do still think I feel a lot different to how I usually would nearing payday and for the future.

Are you staying engaged in activity and thinking around the recovery to help with these times if and when they come? How was your weekend?

All the best - Fran 🙂

23 days GF today, I think it feels longer than this from the amount of mental processing I've been trying to do. 

I have had no more urges, no want or desire to gamble in the slightest. I'm feeling good, I'm feeling postive still. I'm grateful that I am starting to really see the light. 

I think in the next week or so I would usually be at a 30% risk factor of gambling, approaching payday. But I'm feeling confident that I'll be able to ride this out with the continued focus on getting better.

I've self referred to the Primary Care Gambling Service, to see if I can access some therapy to delve deeper into root causes of how the gambling addiction has developed for me. I have an assessment in a couple of weeks time. The speed at which support is provided through these amazing services is beyond praise. 

I've also decided to put myself on a healthy diet. I've been slowly putting on a little weight for the past year and really want to feel more comfortable in my own skin. Another area where I want to take back control. 

I've found some fitness and confidence building activities I'm going to give a go. I've been think about these for the past 5 years and have never pursued them. But I'm going to push myself to go and put thoughts into action, and see if I enjoy myself. 

I'm also taking part in some research tomorrow evening around Gambling support. I've been thinking about how I can help others in the future, if I'm able to work through my own recovery journey, and feel like I will really want to give something back to help others further down the road.

Today has been a good day. Today I have not gambled. Today I've been able to look at myself in the mirror and know that I am doing as much as I can to be honest to myself. Today I have gained more serenity, courage and wisdom than the day before. We keep moving forwards. 

I'm going to log this on here - a note I came across on my phone from 6th November 2023 - sad read, but it completely captures the struggles and feelings i've been trying to deal with over many years and the internal dialogue:

Physically not well

Headache

Sore eyes

Regret

Feel Sick

Not enjoyable

Questionning why

There's something wrong with me

I just want to undo it all

I cant move forward

Pointless

Broken

Not logical

Detached from myself

Self sabotage

I won't let myself succeed

Punishing myself

Knock on effects on people around me

Worry

Anxiety

Pain

Distress

Hopelessness

Fear

1 step forward, 2 steps back

Lacking discipline

Disappointment

Unable to manage myself

Waste of space

Didn't do anything to consider consequences

Isn't an easy route - stop kidding self

Unrealistic

No coping mechanism

Should never removed blocks

Embarrassed

Need regular check in points to remind self bi-weekly:

- reminder of plan

- confirmation blocks are on

- identifying mechanisms of coping

- List of why shouldn't do it

- reflection logging

- progress measuring

- firm but realistic

- no more excuses.

This is a sad read and evokes all sorts of feelings inside of me, but this is me at my point of desperation. And I still continued in the spiral after this for another 2.5 years until I finally made it to some real form of recovery. This addiction is real, and it is dangerous. 

Hi Fran

I would love to unpick those two posts if you don't mind as I find them fascinating

Second post first

So obvious question, how many of those would you tick today ? I doubt it would be many if any ? So you have turned a huge negative into a positive. I wouldn't be sad about looking at that list, it's in the last, doesn't matter how long it's taken but instead you are moving down the middle of the road with absolute purpose and a better version of Fran every day each day. Not perfection but a gentle progression ?

First post

o*g yes. 23 days, 50 days whatever it is, seems like a lifetime. I read that as meaning you are putting in a lot of work on yourself. 

I think and forgive me if I'm wrong but having watched your progress from day one, you had incredible foresight to know that gambling wasn't the problem and it's what you thought was the solution. Yes we all need the friction barriers blocks in place but I don't think you have much accountability opportunities ? So you've knuckled down and worked on yourself. 

Love the fact you are throwing yourself into some therapy. In GA that shows the surrender side of knowing you can't do it on your own but I also see it as you want to throw everything at your recovery, I would be very proud of that. I personally do have another relapse in me but I don't have another recovery. That's my warning to myself. 

Also love that fact you are giving something back. I know like me you are in early days of recovery but they need that aspect as well where it's fresh. 

I'm amazed you are doing all this work and your BF doesn't know about the past. Can I ask if anyone else knows at all ?

Can I also, one question and you if course don't need to answer but when you look in the mirror, first thing in the morning, what do you see ?

Addiction means giving up everything for one thing. Recovery means giving up just one thing for everything. Good luck buddy 

Hi Stuart - of course, lets do some psychology on this:

How many would I tick based on how I feel today:

Unticked - Physically not well, Headache, Sore eyes, Regret, Feel Sick, Questionning why, I cant move forward, Broken, Detached from myself, Self sabotage, I won't let myself succeed, Punishing myself, Knock on effects on people around me, Worry, Pain, Distress, Hopelessness, 1 step forward, 2 steps back, Lacking discipline, Disappointment, Unable to manage myself, Waste of space, Didn't do anything to consider consequences, Unrealistic, No coping mechanism, Should never removed blocks, Embarrassed.

Ticked - Not enjoyable, There's something wrong with me, Pointless, Isn't an easy route - stop kidding self, reminder of plan, confirmation blocks are on, identifying mechanisms of coping, List of why shouldn't do it, reflection logging, progress measuring, firm but realistic, no more excuses.

Half tick:

1 - I just want to undo it all - I realise that I cant undo time or my past actions, if I was given a time machine and the strength and knowledge I have now I would still love to go back and get my time and sanity back. But I am trying to change my view that I have been given a gift right now - by my future and present self - to not lose anymore precious time.

2 - Not logical - I'm still of the view that the gambling cycles and addiction is not logical for your average person. But for a gambler, which I am, the addiction makes it seem logical and will convince us it is.

3 - Anxiety & Fear - I'm still carrying some anxiety and fear, I think this is in relation to a) whether my tomorrow or future self might slip into the cycles again, and b) how my people would react to me sharing my issue with them. 

1st post

Yes exactly that, haha. You got it. Feels like I've been working on my recovery for six months at least. Is very energy and concentration demanding. 

Yes, my accountability points are myself, to others in this community, and with meeting with my counsellor. I will attend an in person meeting next week (slightly scary), but I know this will be good for the soul and to connect with others going through recovery in person.

I completely understand that Stuart, the warning, and I think I would say that is the same case for me. 

Yeah something keeps gifting me daily strength to pull myself through this and design my day to include focus on recovery. I still am walking the road by myself from my home, family, friends perspective.

When I look in the mirror, I am starting to see my true self more and more, and growing determination. Although I still see someone who needs a kick up the b**t to take control of other aspects of my life, but I'm trying to be kinder to myself an not rush things. How about you, who do you see when you look in the mirror?

Thank you for connecting with me 🙂

Gamble Free for 24 days.

Feeling a little tired today, and absolutely gobsmacked I haven't woken up half a stone lighter after my one day eating well yesterday (lol). But I definitely woke up a few oz lighter on the gambling burdons front. Progress.

I had a nice quiet and relatively focussed day at work. I didn't brave going outside for a walk, as everything was getting battered out there with the wind and rain.

After work I joined an hour online research group on TalkBanStop, where I was asked a series of questions about these services, my thoughts on them and to give feedback and suggestions. This was a pretty intense hour of quick fired questions, but it really did make me see how important all three of these services are as a complete package to aid recovery. An hour well spent. 

I joined the chat this evening, and found this as valuable as ever. I'm so appreciative of others in the community and their online company, sharing their honest thoughts and views. 

That's about it for today - I seem to have ran out of energy, and time for some rest. 

@12o8g9i0xr 

Hi Fran

Wow, I love your reply. Don't mind if you ever want to tackle my thinking and ask any questions you like 

I'm going to sleep on this and come back in the morning as your honest reply deserves some deep thought. 

Hi Fran

Wow, I admire your insight and honesty so much on here. As much as I do want your recovery for you, I obviously can't. 

So if I wrote that list I would be exhausted and down. I would ring my sponsor and he would say, whether this says anything good to you or not

Try and slow down. Addiction makes us look for shortcuts. Take a moment for yourself. Enjoy your recovery and stop beating yourself up. Physical health will return in a few days. To feel broken is ok, moving forward is ok, it's early days and you have done a lot, more than most and it's exhausting. You have begun to unpick your mind and that's emotionally and mentally exhausting. Give yourself a break. None of this can be done overnight but you have an amazing plan in place. Stick to your routine and try not to fix everything at once. 

I would be telling myself that I need to find that time to tell everyone, starting with my boyfriend of what's going on. If people are who I think they are then they will stand by me. Not telling others would hold me back in my recovery and I need their support. This is your decision and I can only imagine it hers harder each day not to tell him. For me, it was the hardest most frightening think I have done in recovery. We've had huge ups and downs but I couldn't live a lie anymore and I'm glad I told her. If she wants an improved version of me everyday, then that's up to her. I can't make her stay, that's the manipulation side of the addiction but all I can do is be honest and work hard in recovery.

So that's the elephant out of the room and I'm sorry I've mentioned it a few times to you. It's your choice, your life and your recovery so I'm not going to mention it ever again. 

A lot of the other bits take time to draw that line across the sands. You aren't a waste of space and you not only help a lot of people on here by sharing but, and I'm not sexist, it's good to have more women opening up on here and breaking the stigma so you can stand together. 

That number of days gamble free is a real figure. Hold that dear and know that's the hardest part of the journey done. Do you have a number that you want to get to for a celebration or numerous numbers. I'm a figures guy so I always wanted 123 days because I love sequential increasing numbers. When I hit that at the weekend I woke up with a smile and had a good day. I do however look forward to 150, six months, 200 and 234 but as you know it's one day at time and I need to get there 

I'm a work in progress and I read that through all you have said.

What do I see when I look in the mirror. Not sure I should say but I will ask you asked.

I see a good man. I see a kind man. I see a loving man. I see a man with direction to leave my old career in publishing and running a company to dedicate the rest of my life in the recovery space. I see a man who wants to help. I see a humble man. I see a man willing to learn everyday. I see a calm man devoid of chaos. I see a man who will live one day at a time. 

I see a man who should be proud but is not at that stage. 

I still see a man who made a lot of extremely poor decisions over 44 years but I accept that and know it bought me to where I am today. 

The man in front of me in the mirror will work hard today to serve himself with recovery and others this day. He will endeavour to know that recovery will make him a better version of himself than he could have dreamed possible so he doesn't regret his addiction 

Hi Stuart, I equally admire your insight and honesty 🙂 and of others across the forum. It really helps to reality check myself, and to understand how others are processing their journey. 

I am really trying to pace myself, and I would say I've always tried to look for shortcuts in different aspects of my life. Although I can definitely think of an equal amount of things where I haven't taken shortcuts, so I know I can do this. I tend to get bored of things quite quickly, and that is where the shortcuts slip in, so I'm eager to add different avenues to my focus so I don't let the boredom beat me.

I do keep having more thoughts about how I would broach the conversations, when I would broach the conversations and how that might all go down. My honest answer to this currently, is that a) I want to get some of my finances under control, which I have made a clear plan for and am following, and then b) I want to try and make sure I'm not going to put my partner in a position where he is having too much weight on his shoulders, on top of things he is currently trying to work through for his own wellbeing. I really don't mind you mentioning it, and it is something I am regularly thinking about, but I know I will only do it when I feel the timing is better. 

That's so interesting that you love sequential increasing numbers, and love that you have identified a few in the short to medium term which you can add a celebration reflection on. For me, again I have to keep reminding myself that although I've done stints before, that I haven't done the same stints with the effort to recovery that I have in place now. So 185 days is a definite one as this would be the longest I had ever been without gambling in the last 14 years. But, I think I'll also feel a real gradual sense of progress with each month before this (so month 1, 2, 3, 4 & 5). If I can get to 185 days, I think I'll have my sails tied tight. On my little tracking spreadsheet (I'm a spreadsheet nerd), I have made space to capture daily progress up to day 1000. A way way off yet, but I fully intend to continue to use that spreadsheet, log on it, until day 1000. 

Thank you for sharing who Stuart in the mirror is. This hits deep and what you’re describing is a man who’s finally stopped running from himself. A man who is choosing to stand still, look in the mirror, and tell the truth (even the parts that sting). That takes guts most people never find. You’re not pretending the past didn’t happen, you’re owning it, carrying it, and using it as fuel. I think that’s real recovery and real change. Pride doesn’t show up on day one, it will show up after a thousand small choices like the ones you’re making now.
The man you see in the mirror is honest, he’s trying, and he’s showing up. Keep going :).

Thank you Fran and I completely agree around telling people. It's one of the biggest topics in recovery and yet it's not talked about in detail. Some of us get caught out and have no choice, some like me had no choice as it was all going to come out, some don't have anyone to tell apart from themselves which takes guts and some want to get it under control. I understand where you are coming from and I hope when you decide the time is right then he will surprise you and be by your side.

I don't know how long you have been together but did he know anything about your gambling in the past ? 

Your current number is very real. In my support network when someone asks how long its been, for me it doesn't sound that much but to them the number is more real. I guess that's because gamblers watch days ebb away very quickly as we aren't present but for others, each day is one tonne experienced. Very much like when you said it felt much longer than the number of days you are on.....probably would be the same for your boyfriend.

Love the spread sheet idea. That must be one of the items that keeps you in check, which you mentioned.

As part of the 12 steps, any sponsee fills in an inventory 10 question form each night. It's a fantastic way to think back about the day, thoughts and actions to know if I'm doing the best I can each day and seeing any possible improvements 

Hi Frangipane 

That was autocorrect on my phone but I've left it in as it must be kismet 

How has day 25 been. That's a cracking milestone and you've come so far. 

What do you see in the mirror today when you look ?

@12o8g9i0xr Hi Fran,

 Hope you're all good?

Found today the hardest of the 21 gf days to date. Havent given into the temptation but had strong urges/cravings. No coincidence that I was working from home. Managed to get out walking and listened to addiction podcast which helped.

Fallouts message that mentioned that the emotion beginning to wear thin from the last binge is a killer really resonates. The simple fix is to not wfh because its my big red flag (isolation etc).

Lucky this weekend that we are going on a spa break as a late birthday prezzie which I feel I dont deserve and do deserve at the same time. 

Yeah the kids do keep us busy..lol. They've gone on a school trip for a week which has left a near empty house. Its gonna be a tough 7 days but I need to smash this and yours and Stu's positivity has given me a lift after a tough day. 

Counselling session next Monday. Im finding it good to talk.

Love that youve been unable to untick so many of those horrible feelings. Really powerful that post.

Hope you have a lovely weekend and continue to fly high.

Rich.