I just can't keep living this way, so starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage

March 23rd, 3rd day gambling free

So I was trying to put my initial post on here last night and it kept getting rejected- which actually left me feeling uncomfortable and anxious as I really wanted to get started by writing entries- which I guess is a good thing I think

Feeling a little more positive today- spoke to the girl and had a productive day at work- even ended back up in the gym after about 9 months absence which was a good feeling to let off some steam

Tonight I'll be heading back to GA for the first time in about 4 years- not quite looking forward to it and a little apprehensive but need to get it done- need to make that next step to active recovery and my longest period GF was when i was attending- so it can only be a good thing

Will update again tomorrow

It's been 3 days since I've last gambled

Hi Sam

You should be able to post by ticking the box and waiting for the arrow to complete the circuit. If you can't get a blocker on the phone, ditch it and get a basic no internet model. Cheaper and safer. A little bit of inconvenience is a small price to pay for peace of mind.

Attending GA is a very good move. It will keep you grounded and focused. There's a reason you made sustained GF time whikle attending and statistically it has the best rates for maintaining recovery.

All the best

Thanks for the advice Lethe!

So last night I went to the GA meeting where I was really nervous to begin with but as soon as I walked down the stairs and saw the familiar faces from four years ago I settled in pretty quickly

It was actually pretty fun- the chair is a really nice guy and always gets the room laughing. We spoke about various things and the time in the room felt like 5 minutes- where we were actually nearly there for 2 n half hours

I was so relieved when I walked in there because of how I was scared I was before- and it was really reassuring seeing people who had been GF for 7/8 years, as well as people who had nearly been free for 20 years! Gives you hope that just around the corner that could be you and it is something that is definitely possible to overcome

Apart from that- only a quick update as it's getting late and will be in bed soon

Update tomorrow

For today I will not gamble

It's been 4 days since I've last gambled

I Can relate to so much of what you are saying its unreal!

I have never quit for a prolonged period of time. I have always got by. I am now at a stage where my mistake is on the verge of getting in the way of my relationship. She still doesnt know but she has bailed me out. She cant bail me out this time as i need to pay her back. It's why i started my diary and started taking steps towards recovery. Im booked in for a meeting with a therapist next week to talk about it.

One thing i have done is given up the bank account. i have two accounts. One where my wages go and i have no access to and one where i get money transferred to and just use as and when i need. My mum helps me with this.

With regards to your phone. I have downloaded K9 blocking software on my iphone and disabled Safari. Basically K9 works as the browser instead. Its not as good but it works and does everything you need it to. A small sacrifice.

I had to get someone else to make the password so i couldnt change it and reactivate it and the same for the pin when you disable safari.

Not sure what phone you have but google is a powerful tool 🙂

My thinking is that if someone somewhere has genuinely managed to give up gambling and maintain it for the rest of thier life then i definitley can do it too. 10 years wasted - Hopefully another 50 or so to go. Could be 50 good ones. Could be a lot less than that if i keep it up.

Anyway - I hope it works out for you

All the best

Kev

Thanks kev

Yeah I've got k9 blocking software on my laptop and it's really effective- I've done it for my phone in the past and I think because it was easily overrideable that it didn't work for me! Maybe I need to look into the idea of someone else making a password for me so I cannot access the controls

I have a Samsung and currently looking at getting a new one with a new number (I get plagued daily with emails and texts and phone calls relating to gambling) and when I purchase that I will either buy a bog standard none data allowing phone or block it from the off

There is a good piece of kit called gamblock but you need your phone to be rooted and I'm not sure how to do that

With regards to the money- I seriously need to consider this. It's an area that's always scared me but until I can be trusted with my own money- I don't have much of a choice

Anyway the weekend has been good- have put a few more barriers in place which feel quite important at this early stage

I have started talks with a counselling company near me for organising someone to talk to on a one to one basis- which I feel could be a real help. Made a new email address to slowly put the old emails aside. Really now looking at the relationship I have with drinking and gambling which has always been a downfall

I used to go out on a night out and if I was with the wrong company- or to be honest any company- I would very quickly get into my head that being on a machine or popping into the casino was part of the night out. Looking back it is easy to say now in these early days but one day I'd like to somehow pay something back or at least apologise to those who I hurt on these nights out

My average night out would consist of drinking with friends at a house beforehand, heading to one or two bars where usually a machine was involved at some point (both on my own and with the friends) and then as soon as we hit the club I'd find any excuse to head to the nearest machine/casino/shop and spend my next few hours there

Looking back- it looks like such a sad life and really one I don't want to lead again! I remember constantly getting phonecalls and texts from my friends whilst on the night out asking where I am- I would just ignore them and let them ring through or text back saying 'be there in two minutes' and not actually showing up for another hour or so. It looks so sad- and I'd hate to think what they thought of me from the outside looking in. One night we went out and I headed almost directly to the casino after hitting the club- and spent 7 hours in there! I wasted so much of my youth away from my friends having fun- and in the end it especially at university it all started to become a bit of a joke to my friends- I started to become a bit of a joke to my friends- in fact gambling had turned me into the joke

Looking back its certainly a path I do not want to lead anymore- I don't want to be the joke so going to have to start to look at where and with who I drink. I went out with my ex partner last night and her friends and felt completely safe- yet I don't think right now a weekend with the lads back down university is a place I should be left drinking alone

Apart from that- weekend has been good! Didn't get chance to put an entry in yesterday but updated a longer part today. Yesterday I did a spot of shopping and got a haircut before heading out in the evening- and today the large part of it has been spent sat on the sofa watching the football

Will update again tomorrow

For today I will not gamble

It's been 6 days since I've last gambled

Hi again mate,

Glad to see your still going strong. I remember the nights out as well, i used to stand at the fruit machine and just feed it money. Still managed to have a good few nights out but those nights where you spent your whole nights money in the first half an hour, then had to ask a freind to lend you some. Not some of the better memories.

I feel great for having started engaging on here. I really am making a commitment to doing it every day. Doesn't matter if it's one sentence or an entire essay, at least i have committed to reminding myself at least once daily that i have a problem and it won't just go away. I think when you relax and your guard comes down that's when you fail. I won't fail again and i hope you don't either.

With regards to giving up your money. Just do it. Its cringey and it's embarrasing but at the end of the day why tempt yourself. You want money, you have plans for it. Someone limiting your access and drip feeding you it will make sure you get what you need and have money aside. Another thing i did was order a new bank card, got my mum to open it and score off the CVC number so i can't deposit online. Yeah it's an inconvenience for buying stuff online but at the end of the day when im gambling i don't have the money to buy what i want anyway. So just have to go to the shops instead.

I hope this week treats you as well as last week did. All the best.

Kev

Thanks mate

Yeah I need to get into the routine of writing on here every day- as if it's part of my schedule- like brushing my teeth is. You just do it natural without thinking of it and that's how I'd like to make entering a diary entry on here feel

Haven't uploaded in the last two days, mainly because I've worked and been so tired in the evening I've known if I even try write something I'll end up falling asleep- but here I am

Good few days- pay day has always been a pain for me but this time I've skipped past pay day without paying out for any gambling which has got to be a first- usually the day I got paid would be an excuse to put a large sum into the nearest establishment I could- and then I'd spend the whole month chasing

So for that not to happen is a real good change- and hopefully this will become the normal.

Not much to update so will keep it short but managed to start to get the ball rolling with a counsellor- have an initial assessment next week and also got my second g/a meeting tomorrow- which I am really looking forward to in fact

Will try update a longer passage towards the end of the week

For today I will not gamble

It's been 9 days since Ive last gambled

It's been a few days since I've written on here and it's just because I forgot my password and then never received the email reset link

I think the last time i posted was last week- so a whole lot to catch up on

Feeling good- feeling like I am getting somewhere this time! I spoke on the phone yesterday to an ARA gamcare therapist for an initial assessment and even in those early stages they really make you open up about gambling and it became a bit of a shock to me just how bad it sounded when I relayed monetary values back to the lady! One of the questions she asked was how much do you roughly spend on gambling in a typical month/week/day- and it's really hard to take on board when you hear yourself saying these massive amounts and only realising for the first time how much those amounts actually are

I've been good though- definitely showing that I've been able to get on and enjoy other things since I've stepped away from gambling

Last week I went to another ga meeting which was really insightful- we spoke about removing character defects and it really made me realise that removing the gambling is just a start- after that there is a whole level to adjust in terms of the way we behave to ourselves, to people, stopping the lies and the dishonesty to always focus on what we want- It's a hard thought trying to get back to your 'normal' self when the last time you knew yourself as normal was 18 years old! Of course I've changed in the last 8 years, I've grown and matured but I've grown and matured with an addiction in the background- where and who could I have been if that addiction never followed me and as I am only 26 I am fortunate enough that over the next couple of years I'll be able to find that out

Spent the last two days off work playing golf and football- and then stayed in bed pretty much the whole of yesterday without even thinking of turning to gambling to fill time- which was so nice

Will update tomorrow

For today I will not gamble

It's been 16 days since I last gambled

Catching back up on proceedings after not writing on here for a while

I guess the last times I have not written on here is because I have gambled again and not felt the need to come back- but this time I have not been writing on here because I actually feel safe

I'll start off by saying I haven't gambled in 52 days- which is certainly the longest streak for a long time now

I have been going to GA every week since I first went and I was feeling like it had been enough and I was safe from gambling again- which I do feel at the moment but I also feel I shouldn't get complacent because that's when im at my weakest and actually should be writing on here on a daily basis as it would only give me 10 minutes of my time up but the end reward is amplified!

Got my first meeting with an ARA councillor tomorrow so looking forward to getting some stuff off my chest- but any advice would be appreciated! For now-

It's been 52 days since I last gambled

It's been about three weeks since I last updated this which isn't good enough but it's been a busy few weeks that's for certain. Currently in nicaragua after flying out to costa Rica to meet my friend and travel for three weeks- it's so beautiful

Was just the break from work I needed to get a better perspective on everything and certainly feeling like I'm clearing my head

As for the gambling, thought I might have struggled having not been at ga for two weeks now but I'm doing good 🙂 haven't had any thoughts- I guess being away it's actually been good as I've been so relaxed it's the last thing I've wanted to think of/do

Will update when I get the chance- for now I'm off to Granada

It's been 72 days since I last gambled