It's now or never!... 13th May 2018

Well done Dan, you are continuing to do a top job!

Funnily enough, today is probably as tempted as I’ve been to have a gamble since my GF spell. I didn’t come realistically close to even thinking about looking for a place to gamble, but it was a small pang that sprung out of nowhere. Just shows, we can never be too complacent.

Keep up the good work mate, treble figures getting ever closer for the both of us!

Day 75

I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t had a few urges to gamble over the last couple of days.

The strangest thing about being GF is not checking scores on my phone throughout the day. The casino/roulette I don’t miss one bit. They scare me now to be quite honest. I’ve seen over the last few years just how much damage I can do to myself in such a short space of time.

But I just know that if I went back to gambling, even just small bets, I would somehow veer my way back into roulette. It ALWAYS happened. So I cannot gamble at all. It’s as simple as that.

As Ukds said on my previous post, these urges seem to come from nowhere. 24 hours earlier I could not have envisaged these urges. I felt great.

But I must battle on to continue living this better lifestyle. It’s the only way.

thanks for your kind post Dan. Your right being GF is the only way S 🙂

Day 78

Those minor urges from the other night seem to have subsided (for now at least). It was simply a matter of reminding myself what the consequences/fall out would be from having a gamble again.

It wouldn’t be worth it. I’ve worked so hard to come this far. I’m slowly building myself back into a position of strength.

Make no mistake, I was never at rock bottom. I can only apologise to people reading this who are in a much worse financial position than I am and perhaps don’t have much sympothy for me. But this gambling recovery is all relative, whether I’m in debt or not.

I can only sympathise with those that are paying off monthly debts for the next X amount of months/years. I’ve never been in debt in my life.

Gambling has not let me get into debt. I’ve always stopped when I had nothing (or very little left).

Does that make me less of an addict than those who then look to borrow to carry on gambling? I don’t think so, personally.

I still have an addiction that needs managing.

I’ve always been proud of the fact that I look after and control my money in a responsible manner. These last fews have given me a massive shock and alerted me to things that I never thought I was capable of. I once lost £250 in one night in a casino about 10 years ago and I remember that night being in complete shock.

But fast forward 10 years and I’ve now done £600 in one night.

£1000 in a few days! If I’d have told myself this 10 years ago I would have laughed in your face.

But this is what addiction does. I’ve got progressively worse over the years but there’s no denying, for me, that online gambling has sped the process along even faster.

At 31, I am now looking to put a halt to this potentially life destroying addiction and to get my life back to where it once was. To become the person I once was 10 years ago or so. Even 5 years I would be happy with. I was gambling, but I didn’t have a problem. I was content with losses.

(Don’t mistake that into me saying I want to go back to gambling sensibly...)

I meant I want to be in that relaxed and happy mindset from 5 years ago.

Sorry, it’s a rambling, disjointed post from me tonight....

Thanks bluescreen 🙂

I’m glad you understand. Sometimes I feel that because I’m not at ‘rock bottom’ and up to my eyeball in debt, that I’m not as worthy of support and encouragement because there are people out there in much worse situations than I am. I feel a bit stupid sometimes when I read others’ posts.

Dan

Hi Dan, yep I know exactly where you are coming from.

Whilst I have (hopefully ‘had’) a self destruct button, I also had an emergency stop button as well. I would often go on online gambling sprees. Depending on circumstances and wins/losses, these would last anywhere from one or two days to a few weeks. I’d lose, often heavily, then always at the point of it going out of control and more towards getting irrecoverable, I would always manage to pull back in time.

I do feel really sorry for those who are in a much worse situation than I ever was and am now in as a consequence, but I also know how addicted I had become, how dependent I was, how aloof from real life I wound up and where I was heading if I didn’t get it sorted quickly. So I don’t necessarily feel that Im not as worthy of the same support that has helped to get me out of this. But I do feel a strong sense of wanting to help, in any way, those still trying to rid themselves of this illness. Whilst at the same time of course, not getting too complacent over my own abstinence.

Thanks for your understanding post ukds!

2 more days to go until your big milestone 🙂

Day 80

My holiday is over for another year. I’ve had a cracking time!

Made all the better by not spending a single penny gambling. Too many times I have gambled stupidly on holiday and ruined what should have been a fun and relaxing time. Not this time though!

80 days ago I felt in the mire. Well and truly beaten up.

Getting myself back to where I feel content with seemed like such a long way off. Days 15, 44 and 72 became my milestones because that’s when I got paid. My next one is at 107.

The ironic thing is that since I’ve stopped gambling, I’ve been getting financial gifts, most notably from my grandad. It almost feels like fate (or is it a test!?) that I should be rewarded for staying gamble free.

A load of nonsense, maybe, but it just seems ironic.

I’m yet to be tested with an unexpected bill, which I haven’t fared too well with in the past. That would lead to be gamble harder in order to make up for that. I guess that will be another test in my recovery.

But for now, things are looking up.

It’s not been easy but the rewards are well worth it.

Gamble free is the only way to be....

Dan

Day 83

The football season starts today and inevitably the urges all come flooding back! 🙁

I’ve talked to my partner about it and she has been brilliant and so supportive. In just doing that alone, it has made me feel a lot better about the whole situation and enabled me to focus on another day without gambling without debating whether I should or not.

It’s what I needed.

hi DDan,

just reading through your diary. start of the footy season is always going to be a tough day. I too have spoken to my other half about it, she doesn't care for footy so it's just another day to her. hopefully just a regular day for us too.

also everyone's rock bottom is different, doesn't make them less significant to the person going through it, just means you have a different starting point in getting to the same goal.

All the best for today and going forward.

A

Hi Dan,

Thanks for your comments and encouragement on my diary.

Well done for telling your girlfriend and it's good to read that she is being supportive.

Keep it up.

Day 85

So I survived the opening weekend of the football season.

Normally I’d be sat watching my local team, with only one eye on the match (if I was lucky!) and the other on the Vidiprinter on Sky Sports app - watching to see if my teams had scored. I’d also sometimes have an in-play bet on the game I was watching, as I was convinced I knew what was coming next.

It was great watching the match on Saturday with no bet on. It felt like I was back to watching the football from 10 years ago.

My finances have never looked better and that is mainly down to surviving 3 pay days without gambling.

It’s frightening to think just how much money I’d have saved up in the bank if I’d realised this a few years ago. But I mustn’t dwell on that.

Onwards and upwards, me march on....

Hi Dan. Thanks for your positive comments in my diary. Fantastically well done to you on reaching day 85. 3 gamble free pay days is wonderful. As you say the key is to look forward and celebrate each day. We have all lost enormous amounts of money but we know there is no way of recouping that. Keep up your fantastic journey. Annie x

Thanks Annie, your support and encouragement is much appreciated..x

thanks for posting on my diary. congratulations on 85 days absolutely tremendous effort, i was at wigan saturday , few beers before , watched a great game of football with a mate , no checking other results every 2 minutes to see if both teams have scored at Orient or if St. Mirren have equalised. Great day out , what lifes all about. Good Times