Lights Out for 4 years (diary)

Reflections on Day 6.

I have realised I am impatient. I have a couple of no-risk things in the works to make a little money. I did not completely wipe myself out this month, I never do really. Bills get paid, essentials get bought, etc. But it is the holidays, and there are things that would be helpful or nice to be able to buy. So I have been working on small business ideas (can't go into details - too private - and no it is not in anyway illegal or rude!!) And all my recent urges have come when I have thought about how long it will take to make a decent amount of money in comparison to how rapidly you can with gambling. *DELUSION ALERT* The losses are just as rapid, of course, far more likely and ultimately inevitable. Because I just. can't. walk. away. Anyway, that warped excuse for a thought has just been burst.

This clarity thing is useful. I can see how the lack of clarity when spinning leads to more spinning. You don't stop to think, and even if you did, your brain is like mashed potato that's been on the high spin cycle!

Another thought is that when it's all up there in your head - the delusions - it is very difficult to organise thoughts logically and separate them from the emotions of the gambling. It's overload. You can't moderate your behaviour in that situation because you are flooded with adrenaline and your brain is drowning in endorphins following a win. You no longer have the capacity to judge clearly. The loss, WHEN it comes, is so far to fall from the high that it is like falling forever into an abyss. Hitting the ground. Then falling some more. This is why I think we need to write, write, writer about the addiction, because it is easier to organise your thoughts, and you can read back and reflect on them.

Yes. Abstinence for sure. I am feeling much better than Day 1 already. End of Day 6 and I am crawling out of the abyss.

Well done you lights out! Us compulsive gambler has a characteristic of being impatient hence we want things to be instant and easy - my opinion of course . By taking our recovery in small steps we're getting better results rather than rushing it because we're more likely to slip/trip again ! Good job and keep going .

Sars

Yes, I agree Sars. We have become so attached to the instant gratifications. Isn't it interesting how we selectively forget about the long weeks in between, effectively slogging at work for nothing, scrimping a penny here and there, running up credit and debt to live on. Those false senses of exhiliration and instant reward are no longer worth it to me. I have things in my life that I love with every fibre of my being, that are sure and constant. Not unpredictable, mean and volatile like gambling. I choose my life!

By the way, how do you put a days gamble free ticker on your profile? I think that would be handy.

Gambling is just a downward spiral in every aspect our lives ! All computers & machines are manipulated by abysmal devils of the industry. Everything about it is flawed and biased ! I hate you gambling ! I just hate you !

With regards to displaying your gambling free days on your profile you have to click edit profile then and the bottom part you can put the last date you gambled and tick the box for displaying your progress 🙂

Yep! Robbers! Every last bookie and casino! It's an ilusion anyway. Real life is love, friends, passions, expression. Even the lottery can't buy those things. I join you in your hate Sars, let's reject this poison. We wouldn't willingly drink bleach, would we??

Thanks for the tip on the ticker, it will help me keep track.

Nice to see the day count up and running.

Some relatable reflections Lightsout.

Impatience is certainly something that drives my gambling. There's a long upward slog ahead so I'm always tempted by the easy shortcut which inevitably leaves me even more lost.

Just to pick up on #13: "Anyway. The REAL test has yet to be set before me. Payday. If I continue to feel detached from gambling as I do just now, I think I will be fine."

Perhaps the 'if' and 'think' should have also been in block capitals.

Is this the first time you have told yourself you will stop?

Those fleeting thoughts can very quickly takeover. Happened to me plenty of times.

Keep thinking, learning and stay open-minded to anymore options that might help you tighten your defence Lightsout.

Look forward to seeing you complete your first week tomorrow.

Dear Glint,

thank you for your continued support and it is encouraging that you can relate. I never realised what a lonely road this was until I started reading the diaries and receiving responses to mine, and recognising the major similarities in gambling triggers and behaviours. This gives me all the more faith in recovery.

Yes, I would say this is the first REAL commitment I have made to stopping. Although, just to explain, it has not been a linear path to rock bottom. There was a time period in my 4 years that I never gambling, I just 'fell away' from it, for almost a year. I actually just lost interest in it. I guess I was not fully in the grips of the addiction at that point. I also had periods early on of being able to walk away. However. I thne developed the perception that gambling could help me pay for things, that it could become a source of regular income if I just 'done it right'. *DELUSION ALERT* That was the tip of the slippery slope, and of course for the next 3 years approx. I slid farther and farther down that slope. That is the period I began spending more and chasing losses. I would speak to my deceased father and ask him to help me again, as I carried a delusion that winning on the night of his death was somehow his gift to me and that if I could only make that connection with him again, it would work. This delusion has haunted me throughout. Somewhere over the last year I began to realise that I was delusional. Not only that, that I had developed a serious problem. I could no longer simply walk away. The addiction was now cemented.

For the last couple of years, most of my gamble free periods have been because I could not lose anymore money. Not because I chose to stop or beat the addiction. I did make attempts at moderating my behaviour, damage limitation, if you like, by playing low wagers on more community-feel sites, such as small bingo organisations with a small selection of basic slots. This limited the damage for a while, however, within months my wagering and losses were as high as it was when I was playing the 'big slot sites'. That's when I realised I could not control it while doing it. I had to stop completely. I have now totally accepted that I have to be abstinent.

So, I have had many periods of trying to control it, stop it, or forced periods of abstinence, and one early period of just not caring about it anymore, so I wouldn't say this is first time I have tried per se. This IS the first time I have had the epiphany that there is no safe way for me to gamble AT ALL. The first time I have realised that I can't win because I can't stop. I did not think that was me before, I was deluded for a long time before I realised that, but now that I have, I know the only way out for me now is to never gamble again.

But yes. Payday is a worry. For the last few months I have sworn I would not throw away my disposable income, and yet I did. I did not have blocks in place though until this month, so I do have more protection than I did before. My diary will help me to stay accountable and real, as I can look back and see how low I was at the start, and re-absorb all the kind messages of hope and encouragement from compassionate Gamcare members.

I have a couple of weeks to think on it, but I am considering a total block with Qustudio on my computer. I will probably do this, rather than risk having to start over. From what I have been reading, the first few months appear to be the hardest, so I should probably get as much protection in there at the start as I can.

WELL. I do believe I have made it to my first committed week of gamble-free. Day 7 - you belong to me!

Well done on your 1st week Lightsout 🙂

I concur with Glint, as I always do & think you are right to add the extra security measures, especially helpful in these early days when addiction is clawing away @ our mashed potato trying to suck us back into that spin cycle. My history of gambling & then recovery follows a similar pattern of surviving on the edge, denial & promises albeit over the same number of decades & not years as I have been consumed throughout. Interesting that you "fell away" from it for so long & I was wondering whether you could pin point this to a happier time in your life rather than simply not being so ill then?

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your father and am minded to say, they cannot control our financial destiny but loved ones like that can give us a sense of love & support. People we care about & who care about us, wish us well & we can take strength from this to help us follow the right path.

Onwards & upwards to week 2 & a better life - ODAAT

Dear ODAAT,

many thanks for your support and empathy. The period I fell away... I had a lot going on in my personal and professional life, and my time was very limited. I think it was a case of being very busy and I had not yet developed the delusion that I could supplement my income. After my initial foray into gambling following my father's death, I kind of went into a state of shock (my first stage of grief, I guess?). I was numb and didn't feel much of anything. I was on auto-pilot trying to deal with everything else on top of his death. When things settled a bit and I started processing the loss though, I started to feel again. I think it was at this point that I became more vulnerable to the emotional component of addictions. Money started to become a worry again and I never forgot that big win on the night of his death (one of the few I walked away with). And thus the delusions formed: the win was his gift to me, he had somehow controlled the forces of the universe in my favour and helped me out and maybe I could improve our lot with a few more wins *DELUSION ALERT*. All downhill from there really.

Thinking back, he would be horrified at the amount of money I have thrown away on gambling and would probably be angry with me that I ever considered this as something he would *gift* me or encourage me to do.

Well. Day 8 - you are looking bright. I am present and life is not looking so bad. Funds are low, but fixable with some patience. Emotions are relatively stable. Mood is far lifted from day 1. I am learning every day.

Dear lightsout ,

Thank you for all the support and guidance that I'm receiving regularly from you .You're a trooper ! And yes we will definitely defeat this addition once and for all. Keep going and never look back .

Sars

Dear Sars,

no problem at all. I am finding that supporting others is also spurring me on. We have all been in the same sinking ship, and now we swim to shore together! The support from yourself and the other compassionate, determined Gamcare members is really helping me also.

So. Day 9 is here. I feel strong and in control. My little money-makers are doing just fine. I'm still swatting off thoughts of how long it will take to recover financially, and remembering it will take FOREVER if I continue to gamble. Gambling is no longer an option for me, ever. again.

I just want to say a BIG THANK YOU to everyone who has been supporting me either by sharing their diaries, commenting on mine or the amazing admin who maintain this invaluable corner of the web. The kindness and acceptance of this community is second-to-none and I feel so much safer being a part of it.

Hi lightsout.

I've been following your diary from the start and you've made a great start. Double digits tomorrow another little milestone keep going odaat and they will keep coming.

I think at one time or other we have all tried to control our gambling for a while we kid ourselves into thinking we are doing great but it's just keeping them embers burning inside eventually they will relight and a raging fire will take hold. I would recommend slamming shut all the doors out there be that self exclusion or blocking software if we keep the doors ajar eventually we will take advantage.

It's great you're a reading it can be s great source of inspiration and keep engaging with others ypull find if you support others you will receive the same support back.

KTF

Hello Lightson, a flyer as I fly around. It's superb to read your insightfullness with this gripping insidious addiction.

Trauma needs to be processed, so I love seeing you realise this at an early stage. This place can be superb, but it also goes great hand in hand with some external 3D help.

I like the way your using your diary, sharing your thoughts can be cathartic and a good way to compartmentalise them.

Wishing you well

Day 10 is here - keep going your doing an excellent job. Take in all the advice and give yourself the best chance to succeed. You are also doing an excellent job of supporting others!

Cheers

Dear Oldham,

it means a lot that you have been following my diary, and helps me stay accountable! Thank you for your advice and support, I appreciate it. I am staying aware and not getting too comfortable in my newfound freedom, as I know it can change in an instant if I take my eye off the ball. I am still getting the occasional email from casinos offering bonuses, etc, however, I am blocking them without a second thought, thankfully, I have not felt tempted. Unsubscribing and blocking (or 'junking') these emails and texts is going to be an ongoing task. I am even receiving communication from sites I haven't even heard of, they must share your information. Nasty business they are in, I don't know how they sleep at night!

Dear Volcano,

thank you for visiting my diary and offering support. Yes you are right, unprocessed trauma can manifest as any number of unhelpful behaviours as we try to block, cope or process the emotions associated with it. I'm no stranger to trauma recovery, I have a difficult past. But many things I learned from that recovery are helping me now. My father's death appears to have led me to deeper issues that I possibly missed first time around. I am seeing this fight as an opportunity to heal those issues. Thank you for the well wishes!

Dear ItMattersMore,

Yes! It is! Double figures feels good indeed. But I have done this before when I have ran out of disposable income, so I am not out of the woods yet. The difference this time is that I am not simply waiting for payday to roll around again to start gambling like before. This time I am waiting for it to roll around so I can batter hell out my compulsions and show myself that I can beat this! For once, payday will be a welcome day, a victory. Not a day filled with dread and foreboding and shame. I don't have much to offer others in terms of personal achievement over gambling specifically, but I know a bit about the mind and addictions, so hopefully, I can offer something of worth to others. But I guess the best thing I can offer is to walk the path I am encouraging others to. Otherwise, I am a hypocrite, no?

So. Day 10. No thoughts of gambling or urges rising spontaneously. I was reading someone else's diary earlier and they mentioned the name of an online site I was aware of and little thought arose that I hadn't played that site in a while. * DELUSION ALERT* Time is of no consequence! It is not a reason to *try* just one more time. Time was in fact one of my core delusions when gambling. I thought I had nailed the perfect times to win the most on certain games on certain sites. But the goalposts always seemed to change, and then one day I seemed to never be able to stick to my 'gambling windows' because of the losses I was just gambling any time I could. But even the windows weren't bearing fruit anyway - bang went that supposed 'secret'. I recognise it now for the delusion it was. Clarity is beautiful and safe. I like the feeling of knowing I am returning to reality. I am becoming a real girl, not the ghost I have been for too long.

Day 10 - you belong to me!