Lights Out for 4 years (diary)

Does anyone feel like there is so much more of the day left? I lost days in a fog of gambling. Full years have passed in the blink of an eye. I thought it was a consequence of getting older, but now I know better. It is not like I didn't have other things I should/could be doing, I have many irons in the fire! But I neglected these other, more fulfilling and healthy pursuits in chasing the snake oil. I am loving this feeling of a full day ahead with which I have choice in how to spend. I can blink, and there is still some day left!

Major realisation. The reason it has taken me so long to deal with this is that I did not realise I had an addiction, or at least, I wasn't calling it that.

That is embarrassing, considering my knowledge on the subject. Oh well. I guess you can be so close to the enemy, you cannot see him anymore.

End of Day 10. Humbled by my naivety (stupidity?), but staying free.

Well done on getting to double figures Lightsout x

Hi

re last few posts. I somehow managed to pretend I wasn't an addict, for 14 odd years. Now, that's just insane. Amazing the power of denial. Makes me wonder if I've got some other huge denial I'm lying to myself about?!

Same - addiction was a fog and once i lifted out of that, I appreciated time more. You also expose yourself more to life. You reconnect with emotions, 'good' or 'bad'. More experience and less hiding=more alive.

Realise the 'bad' emotions aren't as harmful as what I thought. The Demons turn to paper tigers when you stare them down.

Best wishes

Louis

Hi Lightsout,

Just realised i had posted on mine and not your discussion, hope your still keeping strong, i literally forgot about everything until i clicked on the Gamcare on my PC. i have two blockers on my pc and laptop and now banned from all local casinos. I never played slots,dogs,horses or even bandits ever so im hoping this is a fighting chance. Hope your weekend is going well and keeping strong 🙂

Mac

Dear Magsy, Louis and Mac,

thank you for your support and empathy. These connections with others who understand are really helping my growing clarity. I appreciate that you have taken the time to write to me, it means a lot.

So. Day 12 is here. I don't really have much to say. Gambling is moving further and further from my thoughts with each day. I think the grieving for my losses is lessening also, which is great because I think if anything were to lead me back to hell it would be that. So yeah, not much share really. Feeling strong, real and in control. No gambling for me!

Wishing everyone else a peaceful, gamble-free weekend!

Also not mush to share this weekend apart from don't waste grief on gambling loss's. That's not being flippant, but just pointing out a potential trap which I'm pretty sure your aware of

Dear Voilcano,

a good point indeed. I'm staying aware. I think the grieving process is almost over, thankfully. And I do not have any interest in gambling at all just now. Thanks for your advice!

Awesome achievement lightouts ! 12 days ! Wohoooo ! We can have a high five on that one! Take it one day at a time ! slow and steady 🙂

Dear Sars,

thank you for your encouragement and support! I do believe I am at 15 days now - two of the best weeks I have had in a long time. I feel far more in control being gamble free than I ever did deluding myself that if I could only win back my losses I'd be in control * DELUSION ALERT *. Yes, this is true freedom. I can get my kicks from other things in life that pay me back far more than gambling ever did or ever could. I prefer my gamble-free life and mental health! My anxiety is so much lower, my mood is lifted, I have more motivation to enjoy other pursuits and I wake up looking forward to the day and I know the feeling will not be taken by any big losses because I no longer gamble with my life!

How are you doing Sars?

Going strong still LightsOut I am pleased to see this 15 days and counting. The longer you go the less the urges rear their ugly head. Just take it ODAAT and keep on your guard.

Cheers

Thank you for your support ItMattersMore.

So, on day 17, this is what I am finding. The seemingly unbidden thoughts about gambling have left me for the most part. I no longer feel the urge to chase losses. Despite having a busy life, I have had some brief periods of feeling at a loose end and a little thought crept in then, but it was easy to bat away as gambling is simply not something I do anymore in my mind. It is not a part of my life. I no longer view it as an acceptable behaviour for me, so I guess my value system has changed to support my gamble free life, which is good. I am aware of the dangers of complacency though, and I just have to remind myself of the abject misery, shame, anxiety and hopelessness gambling brings.

Thank you to all the Gamcare members and admin who have been so generous and compassionate to help us who are fighting this condition. Hope everyone is still going strong!

Hi Lightsout . Well done on 17 Days , the first few weeks of recovery can be very challenging . Love the positive attitude to your recovery , your insight into the addiction and coping mechanisms are splendid .

I am now on Day 56 . The words on your first post strike a chord with me , a good reminder of life in gambling hell ...... " I am so tired , low and ashamed . My self respect is in tatters . " ...... A great reminder of how I used to feel .Thank you so much my friend , fellow travellers on the recovery road have been my rock and inspiration .

Thanks Abstainer, I am glad you can relate to my diary. Yes, I always read my intial post from time to time. Those feelings are gettin further from my mind now, but I never want to forget how bad it feels, or I am at risk of the 'just one...' delusion.

Well. 20 days!!! For some reason the number 20 looks really exciting! I continue to feel better as time goes on, hardly any urges to gamble. Still soul-searching, but nothing new there. Wishing everyone their freedom!

Dear Day 25,

lovely to meet you gamble-free. Payday has also been and gone without a hitch, no urges to gamble. The occasional thought about gambling, but more observations than thoughts of recouping losses or winning. I think I am resolved that gambling is not something I do anymore. It is not for me. It never brought me what I sought and it never will. Only a clear perception can do that - one of the many things gambling took from me.

I hope my fellow Gamcarers are doing well. I will have to do some rounds on the diaries, stay strong folks, it is worth it!!