Lights Out for 4 years (diary)

Hi Lightsout

Thanks for stopping by my diary. I am sorry to read about your relapse but being back and being determined again shows true inner strength to beat it. Don't beat yourself up, you have not let anyone down here. We want you to succeed in beating this illness.

Wishing you all the very best

Matt

I've done it again. In fact, in the time since I last logged in, I have had to self-exclude twice. 

I am now in the position where I have blown all last month's 'non-essential' money and I have done the same with this month's. I feel so low. And of course the voice is still there to just make one more bet. I know I am in the irrational state of mind just now, hence my reluctance to self-exclude again or look at it squarely in the face. What am I so afraid of? When I stopped gambling for a year 2017-2018, I felt so free from it eventually. The temptation really did leave me alone. Why can't I just trust in this again? I want to stop, but I don't. 

I know the machines are rigged. I know the only one who wins is the casino. I know that the chances of me winning back everything I have lost are next to none (but that little tiny odd is what is torturing me now). I just want to feel free and stable again. I have many interests and I can't spend any money on them for 2 months now. One of them, ironically, may even supplement my income from employment and bring some extra cash in. But I am... what, impatient? Greedy? Lazy? Why do I want the instant money. I am a hard worker from a hard working family, but I feel like I have become unworthy of that title. Throwing away money as if it is trash. I am not even materialistic! I don't care for 'things'. I don't know why I want all these wins, there aren't really any big purchases I'd like to make, with the exception of perhaps my first home. And the chances of winning enough money for that are virtually nil, and the chances of never getting out of debt enough to get a mortgage are high. I can see the irrationality, but I still want to make one.more.bet. I'm so ashamed of myself. And ashamed of my self-pity. And I'm angry. Angry at how rich I have made casino and bingo sites, while I am sitting with £160 in my account to last 3 weeks. And angry at myself because it's all my fault.

Sorry, I just needed to get this out. I don't know what I am going to do. I just closed an account that I blew £100 in the last few hours. But the sick voice is still booming in my head.

Note to self: permanently self-excluded from all J*** Gaming sites.

Dear @lightsout,

there will be something else fueling your gambling other than money and it sounds like it would be really good for you to get to the bottom of what it is. The more you understand about your relationship with gambling and what triggers your urges the more you can be in control of trigger situations.

One to one treatment can really help you with this so I would recommend you call us on the Helpline or the 1-2-1 Chat and we can arrange a referral for you.

Well done for coming coming back and posting again on the Forum and well done for putting some blocks in place. We can also discuss blocking software and merchant blocks on the call.

All the best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Hi Eva,

thank you for your helpful post. I have considered the GamCare course. I have a fair idea about what the trigger is, but what I can't yet figure out yet is what is keeping it in place. I suspect gambling has become a way to escape from uncomfortable feelings. I have started a new diary since I registered with GAMSTOP today. Checked a couple of sites and I am excluded. I will think on calling the helpline. I was very upset earlier, as it has all built up, but I am feeling a little better now that I know I can't access any sites. If I had done this the last time I quit, I wouldn't be back now. Lesson learned the hard way (isn't it always!).

Thanks for your support!