Lights Out for 4 years (diary)

Nice one Lightsout, keep it up.

Nearly a month GF for you, the days are piling up.

All the best

Matt

Dear Matt,

thanks for your encouragement and I do believe today is 29 days - I have done over a month gamble free! How are you doing?

I still have some regrets,; but I feel miles better than 1 month ago, and it has gone so fast! I thought it would seem like a long road to this point, but it hasn't really. The first week was hard, but since then it has been smooth sailing. I like this life far better than the one gambling was slowly swallowing.

Sending strength to everyone.

I'm so proud of you lightsout ! I'm very very happy with all your progress ! Keep fighting ! We ain't backing down .

Sars

Hi Lightsout

Don't hang onto those regrets, what's done is done. Put the stick away, stop beating yourself with it and pat yourself on the back for achieving your first month gamble free. It can only get better from here, I can vouch for that.

Stay strong

Matt

So I have been pretty busy with life (still amazed at how much time I have to do other things now that I no longer gamble), checked my profile and I am 41 days gamble-free! Swiftly heading for the two month mark.

Dear Day 41. I find you just fine. I have not had urges to gamble for weeks now. Passing thoughts, but hey, I also have passing thoughts about quitting my career and joining the circus! If I am honest, I do not even miss gambling now. I am far better off financially, and I am paying back any credit slowly, but consistently. My little income supplements are enough to keep me from feeling deprived and lets face it, as a gambler, I have lived on far less. Even without them, I know I would be fine. I am not even buying lottery tickets, because the website has virtual scratchcards and I've blown too much on them before, same mindset as I took to slots. I also haven't even noticed missing that.

Hope everyone is doing well, or reaching out if they are not.

Day 62. Over 2 months gamble-free nailed. I am feeling so much better about life, my mood is improved, my sleep has improved, I am full of ideas and hope for the future. I have been working on another couple of bad habits I developed also while in the haze of gambling. Really starting to enjoy my life again.

If anyone is wondering if the first few days or struggling through the first payday is worth it, let me tell you - ABSOLUTELY! Gambling was taking my money, my time, my self-awareness and my presence away from my family. The latter two you don't really notice at the time or you tell yourself lies to keep you in la-la-land so you can make that next bet. Trust me, it is SO worth it. And I don't even think about gambling anymore.

Sending love and strength to everyone.

Thanks for the encouragement lights out. I like to read diaries like yours. I am 20 days GF.

Hi Lightsout

I couldn't agree more in getting past that first pay day. Things start to feel real then, you acknowledge your losses but you also start to feel the benefits of being gamble free.

Hope all is going well mate.

Matt

Hi Adamjamal and Matt,

many thanks for your encouragement and support! Adam, if my diary helps one person it has been more than worth it!

I just checked my profile - 79 days of freedom *happy dance*. This is going to be the best Christmas ever!

127 days and still free!!!

Keep going LightsOut 127 days is brill 🙂 its inspiring to those like me who hope to get there.

Reading this diary is helpful to me too. Over the last two years I have been battling hard. 3 separate periods of 6 months gamble free and then I get drawn in again! As with most of us CG’s the catalyst for me has been a combination of stress, releases and debt. My latest relapse is because I had underbudgeted a recent build project and reopened a CC to cover the costs and away I went gambling on sport. I’ve never been interested in casinos or slots. Unlike you I started that cycle of cc gambling and this is pure stupidity given that it isn’t even your money and those money purchase rates are huge. I am gradually winning the battle again so it is also good to read the diary of someone who is winning the battle!

OK, I am back, I think.

I messed up one day away from a full year gamble free. 364 days. For about the last month I have been matched betting, thinking I would be safe as long as I stayed away from slots, however, some of the matched betting involved slot and bingo bonuses and as per usual, I just could not walk away.

If an admin sees this, can you advise me on how much I can discuss here regarding matched betting? I don't want anyone to fall into the trap or to think it will be OK for them and then find out, like I did that it can lead you back to gambling. But at the same time, I want to try and matched bet (sports) and avoid all casino-related behaviour.

I don't really know if that can work. I have been making the distinction between matched betting and gambling, but I am not convinced. To someone in recovery from a gambling addiction, perhaps it is all the same. But what I know is that I never got sucked into spinning again until I actually took a casino bonus and literally spun a slot. So, logically, I should be able to matched bet on sports without a problem.

I know I probably sound deluded, and maybe I am. I don't know. I am afraid because I started down the wrong path again, but I feel that had I continued to stay away from the slot, I would have been OK.

Kinda like the recovering alcoholic who feels strong enough to go to a pub and have an orange juice.

If you read this and feel strongly, please be gentle with me. I have already let myself down by spinning again, and I know this to my bones.

I haven't spun for 4 days. Had the occasional urge today, but it passed.

So I was just reading over my early diary entries. I am left with such mixed feelings. I feel I have let down everyone who supported me here as well as myself and my family. I am so sorry. At the same time I have to wonder at either my memory or my sanity, I KNEW then that the only way for me to beat this was to NEVER GAMBLE AGAIN. And yet I seemed to have forgotten that. What in Buddha's name ever made me think I would get away with spinning again??

I think I thought I was out of the woods and my diary lost its purpose. Boy, do I feel stupid now. I guess my diary was a large part of my accountability. It's more difficult to fall when there are others willing you not to.

OK. I am going to commit to this diary again, even if it it just a one-liner some days.

I'm sorry to everyone who helped me in the beginning, but if it weren't for that beginning, I wouldn't be back here now, knowing that I can do it again, so I want to also thank everyone who gave up their time to walk beside me.

Hi Lightsout, don’t be too hard on yourself. 364 days in the first place was a great achievement. I did something similar last year. My main problem is online roulette and after 6 months gambling free I thought I could be normal and just place a football accumulator on. That is what I used to enjoy when I was a normal thinking guy. Unfortunately that one bet soon escalated and before I knew it i was back to square one betting on everything and anything and ultimately the roulette. The only way in my mind to have a happy life is to stop gambling completely. I’m still only early days and 75 days GF, however that is what I am doing. Sign up to GAMSTOP if you haven’t already as online gambling was my problem and now that temptation has been taken away. Anyway I wish you well on your journey, stay focused on what is important in your life....a happy life is out there if you really want it.