Living with my biggest mistake

Day 111 GF and no thoughts or urges to gamble.

Bit on radio and television yesterday about FOBTs in bookies and proposals to reduce the max stake from £100 in 20 seconds. I have made my opinion on these before and I imagine I am probably preaching to the converted on this site anyway. What was interesting for me (yes it is all about me!) was my reaction - when similar reports have been on radio/tv previously i have started to feel physically sick at the mention of the names of the high street gambling businesses and got upset to the point I pulled over to the side of the road if I was driving. This time, i still had an emotional reaction but it was more anger at their pathetic defences and arguments. Felt like a stronger feeling than the previous one that felt a bit weak.

Seems like I am getting a bit stronger in my ability to deal with gambling being around me. I still hate it but I feel I can deal with it with a bit more courage rather than having to shy away everytime it is mentioned on tv/radio or I walk past a casino or bookies. I want to shout abuse or stick two fingers up as I pass now but guess that might not be seen as socially acceptable!! I'll do it in my head so I can use all the foul language I want. They don't scare me anymore.

Hi Muststop,

I've not been on the site in a little while, but came across your diary. I read the first post. After having read it, I was praying that I would skip to the last post and see that you're gamble free and I was delighted to see that you were! Congratulations on 111 days so far. You're doing great and I'll continue to read your diary in the hope that you can keep it going. All the best buddy!

Thanks Martin and well done on the last 7 months. Read your diary and it sounds like it has been a hard journey at time but you seem to be in a much better place now.

Day 112 GF today.

Not much to say today except I realised I have managed to devalue the value of my house through gambling. We have a conservatory that faces out onto our garden which gets pleasantly warm in the sun and is quite a nice place to sit and have a cup of coffee out of the way and get some peace as there is no tv or radio out there, just a sofa and a bookcase. It was only this morning that I realised i have stopped going out there since I confessed to my wife about gambling as that is where I told her and it has such horrific memories for me I just don't want to sit out there anymore. I can go in there ok but don't hang around. So for me I have a smaller usable house. Guess it is lucky I did not do it in the kitchen or I would starve.

Although maybe the bathroom would probably be the worst place to have gambled. You'd be gamble free but permantly cross-eyed by now.

I think you're being hard on yourself again by labelling the room as a no go area. Although this is maybe why you're so brilliant at staying gamble free, you have very clear boundaries whearas I tend to forgive and forget too easily. But it's a great shame to lose such a wonderful oasis in your home. It might be haunted by the memories of that gambling glitch in your life , but if you take fresh and positive ownership of the room, it could be quite empowering.

This is hardly the same but I think it's slightly linked ... I got to the end of the Ken Burns Vietnam War series. In the final episode Obama was a guest of Hanoi and the Marines were welcomed into the homes of the North Vietnamese soliders to bond, share food and stories. It was a powerful reminder that people can move on from the greatest of hurts - so maybe, it's time to let your conservatory be a place of peace and quiet again.

Hi Equinox, yes I think you are right, I need to do something to associate better times with it, going to start doing some holiday planning out there. Does seem a shame to let gambling win at this.

So into day 114 GF and busy weekend. Few chores today, step-son and my parents coming over for a meal tonight and day out with son tomorrow.

Bit spooky this morning, was just finishing writing a post on here about when/if we should ever get any control of family finances when my wife turned to me and said we needed to have a chat about our finances going forward. Her view being that she did not want to deal with it all as "You aren't going to do anything stupid again". Not entirely sure how I feel about this. I am 100% certain in my mind that i am never going to gamble again but isn't that what every recovering CG says? But it is nice that she has confidence in me.

Anyway we will have a chat and whatever we do I am never returning to the position where I have unmonitored access to significant sums of money. Regardless of how confident I am that I won't gamble, I just like the idea of as much openness as possible.

She did finish the conversation with a comment about me not forgetting that should I ever gamble gain that she would be making earrings out of a certain part of my anatomy and I am not so sure it was a joke!

Day 116 GF and no urges.

Really want this January to come to an end. So far this month (in date order, not level of severity) youngest split with girlfriend of 18 months, sister in law diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer, father in law taken into hospital with multiple age related issues and finally last night step daughter announced that she has split with her boyfriend of 8 years who she was about to buy a house with. Unfortunately none of these are things I can "fix" - only support emotionally and practically. Unfortunately my wife tends to do her worrying at night so once she wakes up in the middle of the night then that is for her it as far as getting any sleep.

Not that I need any additional reasons not to gamble but what sort of person would I be if I added to my wife's worries with selfish gambling behaviour? Not going to happen.

Hurry up February, I could do with some good news.

Into day 118 GF.

Nothing much to say today apart from TGI 31st January. I don't like to be mean to any particularly month but this January really has been a difficult one to love. Roll on February.

Hi Muststop123 - I'm sorry to hear that January has been a bad month for you and many close members of your family. Your kindness and emotional support, which we get a taste of here, will be such a huge help to those around you.

I'm sorry that your wife is struggling with sleep - suffering from poor sleep does make the days so much more stressful. I've had dodgy sleep for a while - but the best thing (apart from the occasional prescribed sleeping tablet) is to count down from 10,000. It sounds a bit naff and a touch torturous but it works a lot of the time for me. I got the technique from the mobile Headspace App and really didn't expect it to work as well as it does. I'd tried counting backwards before, but never from such a huge number. Starting with such a big number really does help to get away from worrying or anxious thoughts that can easily ruin sleep. I suppose it's just like counting sheep but the Go Large version. Just to endorse it with a bit more credibility, apparently Dr Michael Mosely managed to overcome a 10 year insomnia habit with it after testing it for BBCs Horizon.

I hope February proves to be a much better month for you and your family ... just a few hours to go before you finally get to say goodbye to a jinxed January.

Also well done with your 118 days - that's a sizeable chunk of time between you and the 'g' word.

Hi muststop

Sorry your going through a difficult time at the moment. I hope things start to look up for you and your family. Massive well done on 118 days. Great achievement your diary amd your comments you have placed on my diary have helped me so much on my journey. Thankyou your always so honest and positive. You seem very strong minded and determined on your own journey.
Hope everything works out for you.

Bw

Welcome to February 🙂

Day 120 GF which is about 4 months which is approximately the time I gambled online. So today I have been GF for as long as my problem gambling period.

Time to update my thoughts because this diary helps me organise things in my mind.

EDIT – just got to the end of this post and it is really long and a bit rambling so if I was you I would either stop reading now while you can still get out or get yourself a cup of coffee and a biscuit before you start.

So thoughts about the last 8 months:

I don’t believe I am “cured” of my gambling problem in anyway nor do I think I ever will be. In my opinion, it is safest to just accept that once you fall into problem gambling it has demonstrated that your brain is just wired that way and you should never try to gamble in a responsible way again. As I say, just my opinion. I know 4 months is not long and too many stories on here of people who relapse after 6 months, a year or longer – getting complacent would be too easy.

Perhaps a bit more controversial but I do not currently believe I have a gambling addiction. I am not restraining myself from gambling, I just do not want to do it. Perhaps because I gambled irresponsibly for such a relatively short period of time, it is different to people who have gambled for many years and it is partly ingrained in their way of life? Maybe I am fooling myself and it is living dormant because the pain I went through when I first acknowledged my problem and it is waiting to come out at some point in the future when I have forgotten the despair I felt four months ago. I don’t think so but I guess time will tell.

I do wonder if some reading this think I am making too much of it – I lost £6000 in a few months, came to my senses and stopped. Maybe they are right but it sure felt pretty bad at the time and not something I want to repeat, hence taking it seriously.

I have not really forgiven myself for my behaviour and not entirely sure I ever will which probably says more about my personality type. In common with what many other have said, it really is not the money, that has had little or no impact on our day to day life. I think it is mainly the shame involved in the way I behaved. The feelings of regrets and intense levels of self-loathing I felt at the start have reduced to the point that they are like bad memories that I can largely leave in the back of my mind. Reading through the first page or so of this diary is now something I avoid as it still brings up a lot of upset and can quite easily bring me to tears. I also get upset reading some of the posts on here from others, particularly when people first come on here in obvious despair and fright, when they remind me of my early days.

I am reasonably confident my wife has forgiven me for both the money and my actions – her words and behaviour would suggest that and I have nothing else to go on but I acknowledge that there will always be that little thought in the back of her mind reminding her that the dependable and trustworthy husband she once thought she had never actually existed. The fact that I can’t ever totally delete that thought from her mind is a big regret for me.

I think my relationship with my wife has improved in some ways. I don’t think we deliberately hid stuff from each other in the past (apart from the one big obvious thing in my case) but think we are being a bit more open with each other. Did get told off a couple of weeks ago for starting too many conversations with the phrase “I have got something to tell you…”, seems my deliberate attempts to be more open were a bit clumsy and she got ready each time for some huge revelation when it was usually something fairly trivial.

As far as the changes we made to managing our finances are concerned (my wife effectively having control of all savings and me having limited and monitored access to other money for day to day expenses) I was never going to start the conversation on this changing any time soon. However my wife recently has raised the issue as I think she would rather we managed it jointly. Whatever happens I will not put myself in the position of being able to access significant sums of money independently. Not because I do not trust myself but just does not seem right.

So the big question really of do I think I will ever gamble again after just 4 months GF? Well I am definitely of the opinion that 100% abstention is the most appropriate method – I don’t believe anyone who has demonstrated the complete lack of self-control that I did should risk trying to bet even small amounts because it would never stay small. If I am honest I don’t think that if I went to the horse racing with my family for the day and I bet £5 on each race with my wife that it would get out of control on the day or I would suddenly start gambling online again but why take the risk? I still have deep feelings of revulsion to the idea of gambling at the moment so I would not want to in any case but I do want to keep it clear in my head that even if at some point in the future I lose this deep seated dislike of the idea of gambling and become fairly ambivalent on the idea, that I don’t allow any complacency to creep in.

Just re-read that and I have still not answered the question of do I think I will ever gamble again? The simple answer is no, I don’t think I will ever gamble again. I realise that sounds complacent/arrogant/naГЇve to say that after just 4 months but that is how I feel. Does not mean I will change any of the blocks I have in place but I do not feel like I am butting up against them but it does not do any harm to retain them. Today I don’t imagine myself ever going to a horse racing event with my family or to a work related function that is in a casino – not because I think I would be tempted but more because I do not want gambling to be present in my life anymore. Time will tell but this is 100% in my control and I am particularly stubborn person so why would I think anything different?

So those are my thoughts on the last 8 months – not the best 8 months of my life but hopefully come out a little wiser.

January was a bit rubbish and I let it get me down. Time to start being a bit more positive and take some action.

Have booked a few nights away with my wife to get some winter sun in March – sitting around a pool all day is not really my thing (I would rather be doing something) but wife likes it and I owe her such a lot for putting up with me lately.

Son has shown some interest in a hobby we used to share so will put some time and effort into that.

Finally need to get back out and get some exercise – been using the excuse of it being too cold, wet and dark in the evenings. Really no excuse and it really helped me clear my head previously.

Feel like I am starting the year properly now!!

Really enjoyed reading your last post, much I agree with and truly inspiring. Thanks for your support on my diary.

Wilsy

Day 125 GF.

Decided to take a bit of a break trying to offer advice on other people's threads, particularly those new to the site or returning after multiple relapses, following a bit of healthy discussion on here. Not being deliberately selfish but suddenly struck me that I have only been GF for four months and here I am giving suggestions and commenting on a potentially really devastating addiction. People are losing relationships, family, their houses, their financial security, their mental well-being to this. It is not really a subject for someone so inexperienced, however well meaning. So rather than me chucking in my random comments, I think I will leave it to those more experienced.

I will continue this diary as this is really for me so just to be clear any comments I make on here are purely my opinion based on my limited experience and circumstances. I have never had to deal with gambling related debt, mental illness, family/relationship breakdown or multiple relapses, for which I am extremely grateful but acknowledge also means I am not really in a position to advise others on them.

I don't want to stop conversing with those of you that I feel I have come to know as we battle together against gambling so I will try and continue to read as many of your diaries as possible and stick in the odd comment where I think it might be helpful or supportive.

Good luck all.

Hi Muststop123

I can only speak for myself here, but without your inspired and supportive words I genuinely think I would have struggled so much more. Your helpful comments stopped me time and time again.

Although I totally understand what you're saying about feeling inexperienced and wanting to reduce your advice on other people's diaries (and my post here isn't a nudge to try to get you to reconsider). But I just wanted you to know that you worked miracles for me. No doubt the same is true for many others. It was your kindness, reasoning and understanding that helped me to see gambling for what it is - your inexperience didn't enter into it.

I'm not happy I started gambling, but I'm really happy that I met you here at the height of your posting.

All the very best

Equinox

Day 126 GF

No urges to gamble and I continue to believe I do not currently have an addiction.

Read a few of the new members returning relapsers posts today and the cycle of "small bet - reasonable win - failure to cash out when ahead - lose a bit - chase the loss - gamble until it has all gone" is just repeated over and over again with the same crash of emotions and financial pain. I think it is mostly this realisation that has helped me stay GF - it is probable that if I started gambling again I would be unable to stop until I had lost every £ I had available to me - this is not some strange occurance that happened to me once, it is happening to many people everyday. Still scary that I have so little control of my behaviour once I get in front of a set of slots or a roulette wheel but it is reality. So I have a problem with gambling if I take part in it so I won't.

Have booked some weekly badmington sessions with my son to help with the fitness bit and have booked a cheap couple of nights away in York with my wife in April which cost a lot less than an hour of online gambling. Part of this is the theory that I need to keep myself occupied (idle hands and all that) but more and more it is the thought I just need to enjoy my gamble free life more and do more of everything.