Living with my biggest mistake

Equinox wrote:

Hi Muststop123

I can only speak for myself here, but without your inspired and supportive words I genuinely think I would have struggled so much more. Your helpful comments stopped me time and time again.

Although I totally understand what you're saying about feeling inexperienced and wanting to reduce your advice on other people's diaries (and my post here isn't a nudge to try to get you to reconsider). But I just wanted you to know that you worked miracles for me. No doubt the same is true for many others. It was your kindness, reasoning and understanding that helped me to see gambling for what it is - your inexperience didn't enter into it.

I'm not happy I started gambling, but I'm really happy that I met you here at the height of your posting.

All the very best

Equinox

Hi Equinox

Our posts crossed so I did not want you to think I had ignored yours. Thank you for the words and whilst I certainly wish I never put myself in the position where I needed to come on a gambling recovery forum I do think a big highlight is the bonds we forge as we battle this evil together.

Sorry if you misunderstood but I am not going anywhere as far as you are concerned! We are in this together for the long haul.

Muststop123

Hi Muststop,

A big congratulations on your continued recovery, reading from your diary it seems that you were one of the lucky ones to having dipped your toes into gambling have discovered that you can not control it, this has taken myself many many years to fully appreciate. You have done extremley well however the only thing i would say is to never get complacent with this addiction as many have said the once the piot light is switched on it always remains on which is something i have learned to accpet and hopefully deal with going forward.

All the best on your continued recovery my friend.

Harry

Hi Harry

Thanks for the words - I agree I think the possibility of becoming complacent is probably the biggest risk to me. I have moved out of the early stages where the high levels of shame and self loathing prevented me from returning to gambling and into a much better place where I can accept (and understand to a certain degree) what I did. I think the difference is now, I am refraining from gambling because I see the benefits (mental well being, time with family, being true to my family and rather selfishly just feeling like a better person) rather than just the negatives of gambling (potential family breakdown, mental upset, loss of money). I think to keep GF for the long haul, it needs to be based on positivity rather than fear or negativity. A life without gambling is a much better one than one with it so that means I have got something to celebrate rather than constantly looking over my shoulder at some bad past event.

So Day 130GF.

Still keeping myself to myself on here which does seem a bit selfish when so many others have helped me. I think there is a fine balancing line on giving advice to others who post on here - being too honest/forceful/tactful/tactless/gentle/forgiving/sympathetic/unsympathetic all have their risks and I am not sure I am yet in a position where I know where to put that line.

Busy weekend planning family stuff for the future. Can't change the past but can certainly make sure I make the most of the future.

Good luck all.

130 days gamble free is fantastic, keep it going nice and steady

Wilsy

Day 132 GF

Up and down with the emotions seems to be the way. Recently I have been quite positive and happy that I am strong enough to deal with this.

This morning I read a couple of posts on here and suddenly I am scaring myself with what "could" happen. I don't even want to gamble or have any urges but I am getting anxious just with the thought of it. Real sinking feeling in my stomach. Bizarre.

Anyway, day off work today, so best get myself going , do a few chores and do something with my son this afternoon.

Muststop123

Hi Muststop,

i'm feeling the same, emotions are like a yo-yo up and down, no day is the same, at least we are staying gamble free and you have decided to keep busy by doing some chores and doing something with your son, these are all good choices, keep up the good work!

Wilsy

Thanks Muststop for supporting me this morning, i just love this person but they are so hurtful towards me but I don't have it in me to hate them or tell them to f**k off, I just soak it up then it breaks me. The heart is so huge inside me that I just can't deal with it.

I hope you are well today, another day you and I choose to not wager another penny because we are worth more than the misery gambling brings us and our families. Just for another day we decide to try and live a normal life.

Wilsy

Day 134 GF.

One of those odd gambling related nightmares last night. Was stood with my wife in front of some odd random number generator machine and she was happily gambling with me on it. I told her I should not be gambling and then she walked off and told me to carry on and I then started losing and starting to chase losses (pretty realistic dream then!!!). Woke up at 3.00am and spent an hour trying to make sense of it but obviously no sense to be made because there is no sense in gambling. Odd lost hour of sleep is a fairly small price to pay but do wonder what provokes dreams like that as nothing happened that I can think of to cause it.

Well done on 134 days gamble free. I have never had gambling dreams but I know many folk who have them, must be scary and I hope they soon fade for you. Have a great day

Wilsy

Thanks Wilsy, the dreams are odd but as I say a fairly small price to pay, nothing like the sickening feeling of waking up and realising you really have been gambling the night before and wasted a chunk of money.

Funny but I don't tell my wife about them because I feel slightly guilty/embarassed as if having nightmares/dreams about gambling is almost as bad as actually gambling which I know is obviously not the case.

Get you compeltely mate.

Wilsy

Day 137 GF.

Had a fun weekend away with a few friends. Topic came up about a raffle game in one of the groups I belong to. Discussion was about someone (not someone I know personally) that was cutting back because they were spending too much every week on it. I don't partake in it at all now as is obviously gambling (might have previously spent £2-3 pounds on it occasionally). This guy was spending probably £40-50 a week on it which to many of us on here sounds fairly small but to most "normal" people is too much to be wasting. I could have said nothing but did deliberately state that I don't gamble anymore as it is not really my thing anymore. Still not got the guts to tell my friends about my problem but do want to start getting it out there that I no longer gamble in anyway. Maybe they will twig something has changed which I am fine with. Maybe one day I will be brave enough to say I had a bit of a problem in the past and then maybe one day actually tell them the full truth. There has never been a position when any of them have ever encouraged me to gamble so them not knowing does not endanger my recovery.

Happy Monday everyone

Really pleased you enjoyed your weekend Muststop, and you'll gradually open up to your closest friends when you feel ready, just don't feel you need to tell everyone your private struggles, only those you trust the most who won't judge you. At the moment them not knowing isn't such a big deal it means you can carry on as you are racking up those gamble free days.

Have a great week.

Wilsy

Day 139 GF and no thoughts or urges to gamble.

Son mentioned yesterday the football world cup coming up this summer as I was joking that I would not let him watch any of it until his A level exams were all out of the way. He asked if we were going to be putting any bets on like we did at the last world cup. These were usually about £2 on a game just so that games like Belgium v Uraguay became marginally more interesting. Told him I was not because I was not really into any sort of betting anymore. He was a little surprised as it had been just a bit of fun before - not sure I can yet deal with the humilaition of telling him the full truth of what I did last year but I am going to explain that I've taken the decision not to gamble anymore. Think I will try and sow the seeds a bit about the damage the gambling industry is doing to peoples lives and how I am not happy to be funding it.

We also for previous world cups did a bit of a sweep stake within the family (including my parents) so we all put in £2 and then each picked out a few teams at random so when the games were on it there was a bit of rivalry between the people who had the teams and the overall winner got the pot. All seemed such innocent fun!! Think what I will do with the sweepstake element (if anyone wants to do it this year) is get my wife to effectively have two entries and pretend one is mine so I don't spoil it for everyone else. Daft really because I am talking about a pot of £16 and my wife and I share all our money anyway so if I won she would most likely end up giving me the cash back at some point to pay the window cleaner or something but I think it is important that I keep 100% clean. Alcoholics shouldn't have a sneaky half pint of shandy just to fit in.

It is actually kind of liberating to have taken the decision never to gamble again. No ifs, no buts, no fudging the issue or blurring the distinction over what gambling is acceptable, just do not do it.

hi mate 139 days is fantastic and it is liberating isn't it, when you get to as many days as we have, it does feel like with each day we have more and more control over it, just a decision by us to not entertain the idea anymore and just not touch it. Pleased like me you are having no urges. Keep it up mate!

Wilsy