My Diary of Shame

Is it me or are people who drive on Sunday's always 'this bad' @ driving, except me of course, "I'm an excellent driver!" 😉 I'd been sat still for so long @ one point, that I thought I was Rainman!

Morning Special "K" well , nothing wrong with your time keeping that's for sure , perhaps Cinderella in a former life ? Seriously though thank you so much for all your help over the last year and your kind words , when I have struggled you've always been been there giving me a gentle nudge but with the humour of a post that I greatly relate to , you picked me up when I first arrived and for that I'll always be greatfull . Perhaps we will meet for a truly great burger with Dunc's sometime , stranger things have happened ? , you sound as though your exploring a little ? I hope you find what you need my little "Dutch friend ". Lol ! Take care Kelly and love to you and yours xx

Hi ODAAT 🙂

​Just started reading your diary. Just the first few posts so far but very inspiring when I'm in need of some inspiration! Hope everything's going well for you and hopefully talk sometime soon in chat.

​Den.

​

Thanks for the ongoing support Oddat.

Well said.

So there I was floating merrily along on my candy floss cloud & boom along comes mother with a bucket of water..."Blah blah blahdidy blah so can I borrow £2000?" I couldn't see the request from the top of the text but when the story about how wonderful the electrician is, working late every night just to get things finished started I knew it was coming! I stupidly decided to go to text war, largely based on the fact that she had taken a large sum of cash out when I'd given her her last chunk of inheritance to 'pay for the bathroom' & had then promised to 'show me' when I called her a liar back then! Never one to disappoint where money is concerned, I get to say "I told you so!" but I don't want to be saying that under these circumstances! I want to keep believing that she will change, that all the guilt she has from my sister dying would drive her to change, not for me & what's left of her family but for her. I know that nothing I say can help her, crossing my fingers doesn't make my dreams come true anymore than it made Mr Gamble be nice to me & handling her finances is the only way to protect my credit rating because she is living in my flat, an additional card hold on one of my accounts but sh17 man, I want it to end! The twisted words didn't hurt me tonight, what hurt is the fact that my brain is so mashed, the only way I could see this getting better was if she died 🙁 Of course I don't want her to die but everytime I start getting my sh17 together, she smashes me back down. I dragged myself half asleep off of the train yesterday, walked the dog for an hour & then went swimming! I knew I needed to do something tonight but now I have a perfect excuse to wallow in my own self pity!

Well screw you addiction, I'm not that person anymore! Thanks Dan for being there to answer my questions - again! I'm getting up now, re-dressing & going to do the rest of the 2,248 steps that I owe today! Mrs D, I may catch you later - Raaaaarrrrr

Double chocolate cheesecake with a ladel of double cream
Smash your phone off the wall
(may want get insurance first)
That's how my wife once found me in a dark room
Similar to how will Smith finds those zombies eating a corpse in I am legend.
If you haven't seen it this Is going way over your head

One word of warning do not go swimming after eating a whole cheesecake
Hopefully given you a smile on a gloomy day
X

I'm sorry you're hurting, but I'm glad you're here and getting it out on your diary. Good for you on getting off your r*e and doing those steps...did you walk to the shops for a ripple?!

So, my question is...if you read this on the friends and family section what advice would you give?

Steps complete...M&S chocolate chip shortbread, it's the new Ripple 😉

There's no advice I can give other than to look after me! I know everyone thinks I'm nuts putting up with her but my niece & nephew are in Foster care & he's going to live with her when he's 18. The money I have would have been half my sisters & I have to protect her legacy & if that means letting mum stay there rent free & managing her money so that the bills are paid, then that is what I am willing to put up with. Doesn't mean I have to like it or let it affect my recovery.

I don't think you're nuts for putting up with her. I think you're in a difficult, complicated position and I understand where you're coming from. But if she's borrowing it (and presumably going to gamble with it) is it possible to say no? Listen, it's tough. She's your mum. You love her. And separating out her stuff from yours isn't easy. Not allowing it to get in your own way is key, and for that I salute you.

Im ok. Seems strange really given the circumstances, but I'm viewing it as one last hurrah. I'll shout if I need you, but sounds like you've got enough on your plate right now.

I said no...I'm not enabling her like that anymore, I've learned too much on here! It's the questioning my love for her that makes me hurt...Who wouldn't feel guilty not loving someone who would do anything for you (except get help)!

No need to feel guilty...sometimes they drive us to distraction. I think they honestly believe the old "if you loved me you would" lie. In the depths of addiction they'll say and think all sorts of horrible things. You can love her and still not like some of the things she does. Glad the tears have dried.

And an angry face? Oh dear...I'm in trouble now. Honestly? I didn't want to reach out. Not to you (I knew I could) or on here or to hubby. I didn't want anyone to stop me. And yes, the card. The one he'd "hidden" in the drawer? Like that'll stop me. But he's not to blame (although I do think he's seriously dim). I'm responsible. Will spill all and cut the cord. Pinky promise x

Addiction really is brutal and soooo many things have no answer (at least one that we like) but being able to articulate the feelings and keep Mr G at bay is huge 🙂

Deep breaths..

Cathyx

V hard being on both sides of the fence. We're told to separate love and trust, which means refusing to accept a line of "trust me" when you can't. It doesn't involve a lack of love.

Wish you well.

CW

Hi, again, ODAAT,

Thanks for your post.

This hope that one day, she'll see the light? It's not doing you any good to live in that sort of hope. It's not a good use of your emotional time and energies, which would be better invested elsewhere.

Amongst the varied wisdom that I heard from the Therapist was the advice not to expect anything. (I didn't get what he told me not to expect.) Expectations are merely future resentments.

Better to detach, to focus on you, to live your life for you. If she decides to stop that's lovely but your happiness shouldn't depend on it.

Look after yourself.

CW