My journey of hope

DAY 3

Had a busy day yesterday so wasn’t too difficult as got back late and went straight to bed pretty much. Definitely had a few fleeting thoughts of, oh why don’t you just try and use the cashback and then after that don’t spend anymore. But then when i thought about how i would do it, i literally had no options as i have no devices left!

I also can’t tell you how much coming on here every day just seems to help me keep focused, i’m only into day 3 again, but this is definitely the thing that i need to do everyday. When i properly stopped a month ago, the point i relapsed was when i had stopped coming on here. I really can’t express how important this space is for me. 

You really do have to work on this every single day, especially in the beginning. You have to work on it on the days when you don’t even feel like you need to, they are the most important days to keep the ship steady. I guess it’s almost like people practicing for anything for example firefighters, they don’t get their training in the middle of an emergency, they train for years and years prior to make sure they are ready when crisis hits. That’s what this space has become for me; my training, and i will make sure i don’t miss a single day. 

I think one thing that i had not anticipated when i first stopped a month ago and then relapsed, is that there is lots of info and advice about using blocking sites like gamban etc, but it’s quite broad, i don’t think i’d heard or read about not only making sure you’ve installed it, but also making sure it’s installed on every other device in your household or making sure you don’t have access to other devices. I don’t think i fully anticipated how the addiction would make me so desperate that i would seek out any way possible to fulfill the need. So if you happen to be reading this at the start of your journey too, be savvy to old devices lying about, i had several old phones that i had kept for the photos on them and memories, but they became the thing i found when i installed gamban on my main phone. 

I was reflecting this morning on how sad it is that we have allowed a world to be created where gambling is not only so accessible, but that there are such little safeguards around it, and how it’s literally advertised to us so regularly. Imagine if every few minutes on TV/radio/football you saw an advertisement for d**gs? It just wouldn’t happen. I know that’s about the legal not legal issue, but i just don’t think that enough has been done when it comes to gambling, particularly online gambling. It really annoys me when i see huge football teams with betting companies as their sponsors - it should not be allowed. 

Here is to another day feeling strong. I have not quite got to that ‘elated’ feeling yet, and i have not quite got back to my previous morning routine of reading and exercising. But i am being gentle with myself, and the main thing is i have been coming on here each morning and i will continue to do that. I’m indifferent; not overly anxious but not happy either. Still feeling regret and shame, but starting to not feel like it’s the end of the world anymore. Also made quite a lot of sales in my business yesterday, which felt like the universe telling me i can turn this around.

Have a great day everyone.

Hi Hopeful

I'm a great believer in what you put into recovery you get back out ten fold. I try and put the same dedication into my recovery that I did gaming 

Day 4 - 

Yesterday had lots of simple moments, walking the dogs and enjoying the sunshine. It was a lovely afternoon with the sun shining on the water, i felt quite peaceful, and found myself not as irritable and stressed at how the dog was behaving. I had lots of thoughts of thinking this is how life can be for me, and it will only get better and better as my dopamine levels reset and i move further and further away from gambling. I made some sales in my business, and i think the value of money is returning to me too, as it felt so good to earn that money from my own work and it felt like such a lot of money, wear as when i am gambling i definitely lose the value for money completely. I will think nothing of spending a few hundred pounds in a 20 min period, yet i would think twice about spending tat money on clothes, or holidays etc. I have clothes that have holes in yet spend hundreds on gambling….so yes i think my perception of the value of money is starting to return which i am grateful for. 

I also had a moment of wanting to gamble, and for about 5 seconds i thought about trying to find a way to do so, but quickly realised i no longer have a way to do so, so that helped me quite quickly because the barrier of being able to gamble turned my attention to the work i have been doing to stop gambling. It gave me the time to make a different decision and reflect on the things i have been writing every morning, the reason i have stopped in the first place. I found the urge passed quite quickly. 

though i have to be honest and say that i think if there had been a way for me to gamble yesterday i would have done it. The thing that gave me time to pause, think and make a different choice, was the barriers i have put in place. I think i have learnt so much that we just can’t rely on self discipline in these early days, maybe that will change over time as my dopamine levels reset, but certainly in these early stages i think you need all the support and barriers you can get. I also wonder if in these stages i perhaps need to be coming on here 2-3 times a day, because i am strong in a morning after writing this journal, but that waivers around 11am, so maybe i need to post a bit more regular and might use my book club idea for that. 

This morning i have woken up quite angry and irritable. I have spent some time reading and just having some calm time, but definitely feeling the irritability today so need to watch out for that. 

I have just realised that the last few days i have definitely slept better. I had not noticed that until just writing this now. when I stopped gambling a month or so ago I stopped for about 1.5 week, and I was reading and exercising every morning and had a great routine going which made me feel amazing. this time round I have felt more tired and have not been able to get back into the exercise just yet. but I am trying to be kind to myself and take one step at a time. I think tomorrow I will put my workout clothes at the side of the bed and hopefully that will get me back into that routine. I have started reading again, but I definitely could improve my morning routine and want to get back into not looking at my phone, doing my reading and exercise, it had a huge impact on my wellbeing. 

The weather is a bit gloomy today, and i am really impacted by the weather, so hoping it will brighten up!

Hi Hopeful

Would you mind if I made some suggestions which has really helped me ? Sometimes where people have usernames which I understand are for anonimoty I can never remember whether people are male or female and age category as sometimes that makes a difference in terms of empathy, but anyway

I'm a great believer in routine in recovery as a form of self help and guidance. Myself, the last ten years of gambling got to bad it was chaos. That chaotic lifestyle with all of the lies and no regard for time meant I moved so far away from routine and my values that I was simply functioning but that was about it. What I do now is grab a piece of paper (it's so good to write things down and not use a digital format to plans etc) and I write out the following week. I start at the top of each day and put in important appointments. Then the next layer is a list of the chatrooms I would like to attend and times. Then I write in my GA meetings and the Gamfam zooms, keeping an eye that morning clashes. I check I have a GA meeting each day so include an ideal online when if I'm not going to a physical one. Under this I write a list of things I would like to do around the house. Finally a put down two people to ring each day. I don't dwell if I don't manage to get everything done each day and can move things on a day without regret. 

My morning and evening routines are set in stone so I don't write those down. When I wake up, I pray using the serenity prayer and my steps prayer. I meditate using guided meditation on YouTube which is amazing for clear thoughts and did seem alien at the start of recovery. I then write my gratitude list of ten things I am grateful for. Just before I go to bed I pray again and then do my inventory list. This again is part of the 12 steps where I take a reflection over my day to see if I was resentful at all, selfish, dishonest, kept anything secret, could have done anything better and whether I was in self or thinking of others so I can ensure I am being the best version of Stuart that I can. There is no room and no thoughts for gambling in this routine

In terms of something else you mentioned. Have you ever written a disaster list ? Basically what would happen if you went back to gambling ? How it would make you feel, how it would harm others, how much time would be wasted and stop you doing other things, where it would lead to financially. I'm not suggesting doing this daily but it's good to remember

Every so often I check my foundations and that I have enough friction to put me at least half an hour away from a bet. That would give me time to change my mind but I agree that it's also self determination. 

When you mentioned about times of day where the urge is stronger, it's good to recognise that and as you say recondition your brain to want to do something different. Often a quiet half an hour to ones self works then. Reading, crosswords or a walk 

I also love the reminder of coming on here 2 or 3 times per day. I also have the Evive app so I use both when I need one of those kicks up the back side. For me not against any thoughts of gambling but it does help to drive me forward and leave that 44 year addiction where it belongs. It served me no good so why would I want to listen to it's empty promises again. I think coming on here is such a good way to build accountability to this community. Each time any of us post, someone will read it and take something from it. It also helps us to remain focussed on being the best we can

One last thing about the value of money. Ive heard a saying and I think it's from 50 cent of all people lol. If you cant buy something twice, then you can't afford it. Love that as a way to look at money. I always used to spend money and think, oh I can win that back. 

DAY 5

Definitely having more moments of calm over the last day or so. I have still had plenty of feelings of irritability, but yesterday, I felt more able to control them. They came up quite a lot, and normally I would have perhaps snapped at someone, but instead I found I was able to manage my irritability - the feeling was still there, but I found it much easier to not give in to the urge to be snappy. I felt more in control of how I responded to my emotions, it actually felt really good to feel like I had some control back. I expected my irritability levels to get worse before they got better, and i have definitely HAVE been irritable, i am not saying the feeling hasn’t come up, yesterday was more about how i was able to respond to the feelings when they did surface. 

Also had another strong urge last night and again, without the blocks/preventions i have put in place i think i would have gambled. But instead because of those blocks/preventions, i was not able to, so i went to bed, and i have woken up today another day gamble free. In some ways i have been able to take a lot of positives from the relapse last month after the first time i tried to stop (though there have been hundreds of times over the years, last month was the first time i was able to stick to it for over a week and battle the urges) - because i honestly learnt so much from that process. 

I now literally have no way to gamble, and those prevention measures are definitely working and supporting me in this. I am not too focused on why i gamble yet, i am just focused on getting through this first wave, putting some routines in place, and showing up everyday. 

I have also had lots of periods of anxiety, so that has not fully gone yet, but i definitely feel the fog clearing, it’s almost like i am already 5 days in starting to be able to enjoy life again. I think when you are gambling you don’t even realise that you are living in a fog, most of us have been doing it that long that it has become a normal way of life so we don’t even see it anymore. But one thing i can say with confidence is that these last 5 days are 100% opening my eyes up to how i was feeling when i was gambling and i am definitely starting to be able to see life more clearly. I am also sleeping better. It feels really good. 

I have a really busy day today, so not too worried keeping my progress up today, but also know that you can’t become complacent. 

@lp5vut869c thanks Stuart for the words of wisdom as always, I have read all of this and will take on board, I would really like to get to the point of having a concrete morning routine, I am not sure what is holding me back! I think I just need to commit to it and hold myself accountable, I felt so much better when I was exercising in the morning and not going on my phone first thing etc, so I really would like to get back to that.

Hi Hopeful

What a great post especially after 5 days, second time around. You have obviously learned a lot about the journey from your relapse and are using that situation for knowledge rather than regret.

One thing I do, especially if I'm not feeling quite right is to try and do an out of body experience. Literally jump out of my body and talk to myself as if there were two of us there. I remind myself what I am grateful for. I then say why would I want to lose the new life for a bet. I think if all the feelings and events that would happen if I bet. All of the people I would let down and what that chaos in action was like. I tell myself to be proud of what I've achieved so far and to keep going. 

I'm trying to think of a topic to discuss this morning and a film title for the series I've been doing on here but it was far more important to reply to you Hopeful. Let's work to get that username of yours changed over time.

@n6vy1o2hpa Hi Hopeful - or even better “Full of hope”!!

This is what your diary suggests to me, meaning you are NOT willing to just give up on your g.f journey but instead, reflect on your lapses and strengthen your blocks 💪.

Block, block, block of all available devices is the key to stop those nasty urges abruptly in their tracks. This then also allows us the time to stop and think for a minute or two and reflect on how bad we feel after our gambling losses (which is mainly what happens to people like us on here). It also allows us to stop and think about how good not gambling has made us feel physically, emotionally and financially 👌.

Please don’t give up “giving up”. Eventually, you will get to a place like me where, when you think back to gambling all your hard earned salary, you will just shudder in disbelief 🙈. This alone will help you never to place another penny of your hard earned income to those RICH gambling establishments 👊👋💪.

Today, feel proud that you are being persistent on your journey and you are NOT giving up 👌.

May you have a peaceful mind and a brighter day today 🙏.

Take care.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

DAY 6

So yesterday I had a long drive about 2 hours. For a lot of that drive i found myself thinking about ways in which i could gamble again. I even had a fleeting thought of buying a new phone so i can gamble on there, though that is not something i will do but is definitely something i need to watch out for. I also found myself thinking that thought that well once i recover financially and get back on top of this, then i can just gamble now and again for fun - i spoke to one of the advisors on here about that thought as it’s something that came up the first time i stopped too. She said it was really normal and is your brains way of not being fully able to let go of the addiction, and tricks you into thinking it’s just for now. 

I then read a post on here, i can’t quite remember who’s post it was now, but they mentioned about how it’s not about tomorrow or next month or next year, it’s about just choosing to not gamble today. It really resonated with me. 

Anyway i didn’t gamble as i was driving so by the time i finished my drive the thoughts and urges had passed. But i definitely knew i needed to come on here today to keep myself strong. 

Had some feelings of this morning but been able to manage them. As i mentioned in my post yesterday the feelings are there, but how i am managing that feeling is much more controlled. 

Sleep has been a bit hit and miss, i feel like i am definitely sleeping better when i am sleeping, but i am waking up early which isn’t totally unusual for me, but it’s earlier than normal. 

I’m also feeling a bit chaotic tody with housework and stuff that i need to get on top of. I just have a lot on this week with work and don’t get much help at home with housework so just all falls to me.

Theres so much pressure on me every day, i just feel like everything is my responsibility even down to remembering to book the dog in for the groomers, or book the dog walker, or order the flea and worming tablets. I ask my partner for help, they say they will and yet never do it. So i’m feeling quite angry about that today. I know it’s misplaced anger, they try and help in other ways and they do have adhd so do forget a lot of things, but as i am writing this i can feel the anger building and building in me. 

One thing that is bothering me is that i just don’t seem to be able to get back into my routine of doing my exercise in a morning. I have started reading again in a morning so there is definitely some progress. But the first time i stopped gamblign i was reading then doing exercise, not going on my phone until work time, it was so much beter - wear as now fallen back into some bad habits of mindlessly being on my phone first thing inevitably seeing an email or something that stresses me, do a bit of reading, come on here and write my journal, then i start work but don’t really achieve much, walk the dog, have breakfast, get ready for the day. I just want to do my exercises again but i have some sort of mental block and its really bothering me. 

Gosh i clearly have a lot to say this morning but need to do a bit of a brain dump i think. Sorry this is all over the place, though never expect anyone to read it all, i just feel better for dumping it all in here!

Another thought i had yesterday when i was driving home was what if i die? What if i get really ill and die and my family can’t keep the house without my income and all the debts? If i stopped gambling i could build a huge nest egg for them, i could pay off the mortgage, so that if anything ever happened to me they would have the house and security. My loving amazing partner  has had such a hard life, with a total lack of stability, and the panic set in yesterday that what if i die and he has to go back to the life of no stability? He loves our home so much, its the first place in his entire life he has felt like he has a home, and i feel in a bit of panic about what if something bad happens and i leave him with instability. Then i started thinking i need to make sure he knows where all the life insurance is etc, and i need ot make sure its all in his name, and i got down a rabbit hole, 

Finding myself going down that rabbit hole right now too. 

Anyway, amongst all this chaos i am feeling this morning which is quite apparent in my writing, i am thinking that today is a day i 100% need to watch out for gambling, this would be a prime day for this to creep in today, i think i am going to write a few entires on here today because it feels like a fragile day. 

One good thing is that i have back to back work calls until around 2pm. But i will be coming back on here around that time because i am recognising that i am not feeling all that strong today. 

Hi Hopeful

I don't think you realise how powerful that post you have written actually is. 

For starts, as you say, none of us should feel ashamed of thoughts, it's actions that count and I'm glad you didn't act on those thoughts. With some hard work, those thoughts will subside in time.

Sleep, when I had my counselling, it's one of the check up questions so I would imagine it affects all of us. Don't over think it, just go with it and whatever it looks like at the moment. Your brain is going through turmoil and you've removed a lot from your life whilst repairing it. Give yourself a break. I try to remind myself that it took years to get me in the mess I'm in so I'm never going to fix everything in a day. 

What's truly amazing is that a large proportion of your post describes step 4 of the 12 steps. If you don't go to GA it might be worth doing some research. Step 4 takes four parts and it's taking a personal inventory of ourselves with a view to removing this. Part 1 involves doing resentment sheets. Writing each resentment, ticking boxes of how it makes us feel and then writing about what part in the resentment we took ourselves which is truly liberating. Just by writing them down, many get removed from our thoughts. Part 2 is about recognising and wiring down all our fears. Again we are asked to write down how those fears make us feel and then an action plan of things we can do to alleviate or avoid those fears happening. What you are thinking about is not only normal but visionary at your stage of recovery. You must have an incredible mind of self discovery. 

In terms of routine, this is something I really struggle with and knew would cause stress. Very obvious idea but each Sunday I write out the following week. Each day starts with things I need to do, including daily routine, then I write things I would like to do. I also don't worry if everything doesn't get done as it can be moved on a day but not forgotten. 

In terms of your partner, this is a difficult one and I know it's not a big problem. I spent years manipulating people to my own way of thinking and doing. I honestly believed I could read minds without talking to people. Now I know that other people's actions and thoughts are their own and not for me to enforce but talking is the only way to get out any frustrations I may have.

One final thing, someone in this space, a very wise person, did a meditation with me that was mind blowing for me. If you would like to do it, all I need to know is, if someone said what are your goals for the future, you can set whether thats in 1 year, 2 years, 5 years of whatever. If you send me the list of goals you have, materialistic ones like house, car, holidays etc, experiences, mental wellbeing being, job, marriage, as many as you like, then I can send it back to you. You can then either get someone to read it to you slowly or you can probably find an app which will read it out. It meant a lot to me 

thanks Stuart, as always really appreciate you taking the time to reply. its now nearly 4pm and I have made it through the day without gambling, and no strong urges, granted I have been busy the whole day but still, the way I was feeling this morning was rocky so I am proud I have got this far. I am shattered now and still loads of work to do so think I will manage the rest of today. 

It's really helping me coming on here every day and getting my thoughts out. I feel awful about the way I was feeling angry towards my partner this morning, I was reflecting on how he actually does do a lot, he handles all the cooking (he enjoys it so we agreed that ages ago) - and if I ask him to do anything for me he will do it, he just often forgets, but he never moans about doing it and will always do his best. he often says to me if I get stress because he hasn't done something that we are on the same team and he is not seeking out to hurt me, but he does have adhd and he can just be forgetful, yes its frustrating I won't deny that but I think I need to remember what he does do, and I think I was just misplacing my anger

One thing i have reflected on today is that i have always struggled to be able to name my triggers or why i gamble. I’ve never really been able to say why i do it. I always thought it was just boredom and trying to recoup losses. But i am starting to wonder if its overwhelm. When i am overwhelmed, stressed and burnt out, was i trying to escape that. The irony being that gamblign made me feel more overwhelmed, stressed and burnt out because whilst spending hours gambling i would not be on top of the house work, i’d be rushing round last minute to get ready for work because i’d be gambling until the last second convincing myself i’d stop to get ready for work but then not doing so until a few minutes before i needed to leave. 

Anyway, i was really struggling yesterday and this morning, and when i reflected on the post i wrote this morning i was clearly very overwhelmed. So maybe thats what it has been about all this time, me being overwhelmed and wanting to escape it. So me moaning about my partner not helping around the house this morning, maybe that was me trying to convince myself its everybody elses fault that i am overwhelmed, which ultimately subconsciously is that about then not accepting i am the reason that i gamble and only me. 

I am glad i have had that realisation because it shows me what to look out for now. I have booked a cleaner once a week, because that massively helps my overwhelm. Not having a cleaner keeps me in an overwhelmed state because the house gets worse and worse. Having a cleaner takes a hell of a lot of that overwhelm away. I used to spend in 20 minutes on gambling more money than the cleaner would cost a month.

I am really happy i have wrote in the diary every day and have been really raw and honest because it’s allowed me to have this little realisation today that i think overwhelm and burn out are a lot of my trigger points for gambling, i didn’t think i even had a trigger and have never been able to work it out so this feels like a win. 

Also coming back on here today because i felt i needed two sittings of my journal today! 

The next thing i really want to do in this journal is to own up to how much debt i have so that i can start tracking how i am reducing it. I saw somebody elses post on here and thats what inspired me. I also think it will hold me accountable for what i have spent.

I am scared though, i know it’s bigger than majority of people on here. I know its a huge amount, i am scared of anyone else sying its a big amount because then it makes it even more real how big it is and i am already scared, so if anyone else says o*g that is huge i think i might fall apart, i am really scared but want this to be my next step. 

Hi Hopeful

I doubt if very much. There is no judgement on here at all. I think it's good to work on that goal for see the debt going down. 

@lp5vut869c think I will chicken out today mate and try and tackle this one tomorrow. I’m Wondering if it’s wise me owning up to the Debt and actually seeing it written out this early in my journey. I’ll be day 7 tomorrow. I don’t know how recovery works I’m so new to it. I don’t know but it feels like the next step I need to take is just saying this on here and actually reviewing the reality of the financial situation

You’re doing great. Time to take that horrible next step and total that debt. It’s probably one of the most shocking things you’ll do. I had to do it when I contacted stepchange and came clean to my ex. Wow did it hit hard. But it needs doing and makes you realise how wrong gambling is. It will make you feel low and your brain will start chattering away about how you could win it back and be debt free. If it was that easy you wouldn’t be in debt. Use that big sum to motivate you. Work out a plan, work out a timeline, use stepchange if you need to, they do it all for you. This gives you a goal. Trust me, the day you achieve that is like nothing on earth. You feel so free, but for me anyway, I felt very scared. I suddenly had money. I was a grown up. Temptation got me. Only once, but it got me. Never again.

Long road ahead, but with goals, rewards, and focus, you got this. You’ll be a grown up too soon!!!

stay strong 💪 

day 7

Good morning everyone

Ok so something new hit today which I could have probably anticipated if I’d thought about it.

So last night I had three quite big bookings in my business. I’ve woken up overjoyed this morning. But one of my first thoughts was yes i can gamble some of this and grow it cos ill still have loads left over anyway.

This is going to be a hard day I can feel it. Even as im writing these words im thinking about gambling it wont hurt that much bla la all the usuals. I really need to focus all my effort today on not gambling ‘just for today’

I think today feels like the hardest battle I’ve faced so far

I only have one work call booked for 10am. I’m supposed to be then going out with my partner but I’m in this gambling state where I’m likely to cancel so I have more time to gamble (even though I don’t intend on gambling tho my belief in this statement this morning feels very very wobbly)

I’m staying over at my brothers tonight and normally I’d go to bed early and gamble away rather than spend time with my family  or constantly nip off to toilet or to my bedroom convince myself I’ll just have 5 min gambling but 55 min pass and everyone wondering where I am. I’m not present when I am with them when gambling cos I’m constantly thinking I need to go to bed early so I can just gamble.

I don’t want to do any of that but I’m feeling really shakey today because I’ve had these payments come in. My strength is being tested so badly today and I’m scared I’m not going to be able to stay strong

I’ll try and come on here more and air my thoughts

As always I don’t expect anyone to read my lengthy reflections as I know they’re long but it just helps me - sometimes I read back on my own as a reminder of why I’m doing this in the first place

Send me your prayers today I need all the strength I can get , I feel scared I don’t want to give upon my progress but it feels so strong the urge when I have this money sitting there

Will check in later