NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

Cheers Pras. Thanks so much for the kind words. Means the world to me right now :o) hope you're good buddy.

SMan,

I have not read your full diary yet but you seem like such a likeable chap that I thought I should pop on and say hello and thank you for some of your recent comments on my diary.

I have only read the first and last few posts on your diary but promise to read more later tonight. One thing that did jump out at me was that you reported feeling a little low a few days ago and this was within a week of reaching your 100 day milestone. The same thing happened to me buddie. In my case, my whole drive, focus and determination was to get ot 100 days - the milestone seemed so attractive that when I finally got to it I almost didn't know what to do next. For me, this was like most things in my life where I looked forward to something for so long and when it finally arrived I didn't appreciate it. Us humans are so complicated. Anyway, appreciate your 100 plus days of abstinence. This was down to you and only you. You took control of your life, made a plan i.e. I will not gamble, worked tirelessly to stick to the plan regardless of emotions, stress, boredom, tiredness etc and you continue to stay on track towards what will be a fabulous life. So don't be down be joyous. The vast majority of people do not face up to their problems or have the courage to change their lives by erradicating the parts of ourselves that we do not like. That is hard. You and the members of the forum have chosen to not accept bad situations and together we are all on a path to what we believe will be a far happier and super life.

When I first started my long journey of abstinence one of the best lessons I learned was gratitude. Gratitude is a fabulous thing. Too many of us take everything that we have for granted. Don't do this. Be grateful that you are about to experience a marvellous time of year with a clear head and the ability to be grateful for spending time with your loved ones and be in a place where you can enjoy their company and give your time and concentration to them. Years gone by you may have been there in person but not in mind. This is most definetly something that shouldn't be taken for granted.

You have carried out a magnificent job on your recovery, you are fully committed to your diary and you spend time on helping others by being supportive on their diaries. Be happy my friend. You are doing superbly well.

Tomso.

Mate... Thank you for the powerful message of support. I feel quite ridiculous at the moment - despite everything that gambling has done to me I'm still thinking about it. Just about mustering up the motivation to have a shower rather than attack the day and be thankful that gambling hasn't put me out for the count, being rude and abnoxious to my wife and child as if it their fault that I am feeling this way...

I can't pause my life until I recuperate... My wife and son need me and I have to be pull my head out of my a**e. Everything you said is SO spot on... Especially the bit about gratitude... I am very lucky in many respects. However life feels better for a while then sometimes it feels worse. Its these times I need to drop the pride and reach out, as I am doing now.

Will defo get myself to GA tomorrow. Christmas shopping can wait a day. Thanks again for the wise words. Appreciate it.

Many thanks for posting on my diary. I do enjoy reading your posts which offer great insight into gambling addiction and point the way to a successful recovery. I do hope that you find what you are searching for and wish you and your family a lifetime of peace, happiness and good adventures.

For some strange reason I am reminded of the horror story by Charles Dickens "The Signalman" in which the future ghost of the signalman warns him of the tragedy that lies ahead.

It sent a shiver up and down my back and got me thinking... I wonder what advice our future ghosts would give us right this minute! ... stephen

Hi signalman

Well done in the fact that you have ups but keep going. Stopping gambling effects everyone in different ways, you seem to be having it tuff but you are still in there fighting, an inspiration to others in a similiar situation. Keep going and never give up on giving up.

Shaun

Thanks so much for the support guys. It's great to know I have people on my side who keep pushing me on during testing times. Thank you wholeheartedly.

I was Up the supermarket last week, i was in great pain and could barely walk, no less than three people came up to me and asked me if i needed help, how fantastic was that, they saw me trying and offered their help, that gives me hope and gives me extra strength,,, Signal remember we’re in this place together and we all want to succeed in our fight against our addiction, we look to each other , willing each other on, forwards, there is no surrender, no going back , no giving up, no surrender, EVER . Moving on keeping one step ahead guard Up, Bobbyj/rainman

signalman wrote: Hi

Thanks admin for taking time to respond to my SOS! Appreciate it ;o)

Feeling more resilient today - not sure why, maybe my stress/anxiety is linked to sleep pattern? Who knows, all I know is that I feel more resilient today, much more resilient.

Reading back my previous message, all seems a bit silly really... My quest in life is to have autonomy over gambling yet during times of weakness I STILL consider gambling as a way to alleviate whatever feelings I'm having... Knowing that I will just feel worse afterwards - win or lose.

Anyway feeling more resilient today. Need to tackle this one day at a time... Useful learning for anyone new to this... When struggling just break it down to one day at a time, or even less if that seems unmanageable.

Gambling is NOT an option for me ... Ever again... No matter how many times my mind tries to tell me that it is.

Good luck all. Stay strong :o)

I tend to just read.. But not one message I've read have you sounded silly. Your doing amazing. Keep up the good work.
Bella xx

Thanks signalman, yes i know where addiction is and I’m aware of it at all times, it’s in me and I’ve got my boot on it’s throat and I’m choking it to death, Ive hurt myself to many times, not gonna hurt myself anymore,, . Despite my aggressive attitude toward my addiction with my above statement, i am actually calm and confident, comfortable,, it doesn’t take my time Up thinking about it, it’s robbed me of so much of my important time in the past when it was controlling me, or i wasn’t controlling it,,, and now I’m in control I’m not going to have it take all my time spent on the sole purpose of being in control,, I’m moving forward keeping one step ahead guard Up, bobbyj/rainman

Big thank you for your words of encouragement Signalman.

Am I familiar with Frogger? Does the Queen s**t in the woods,

Yours was a Spectrum I think you said. Mine was an Amstrad cpc 6128. I spent the best part of the late 80s/early 90s playing Dizzy, Matchday, Emlyn Hughes and pretty much every manager game under the sun.

The graphics were crude but you cant match the retro fun.

By the way, well done on 100 days plus gamble free. You are a very welcome part of thus forum's furniture.

Wishing you and your loved ones a delightful Christmas and prosperous new year!

Best wishes,

Markman

Thanks for leaving me some really uplifting messages guys...

Bobbyj - I hear your completely man. I still believe wholeheartedly the opposite of addiction is connection and will stand my that until the day I die. Look at gambling for instance... Gambling was actually fun for me when initially doing it with friends at the bookies, it was a social exercise and perhaps we inadvertently marshalled each other away from excess gambling... When I realised this I broke the connection and started gambling on my own so I could have 'gambling autonomy' and the rest is history as they say.

ChasingRainbows - thanks for your kind message. Thanks a lot. I know I put fair bit of pressure on myself, I guess that is part of my problem... I think if I'm honest I am still fearful of relapse, especially when thoughts creep in. It's great to be reminded of the distance I've travelled on this journey rather than constantly looking at the distance ahead, the horizon seems so far away sometimes... Will I ever get there or just run out of gas like so many other times... that's what unnerves me I guess. This time does feel different though to be fair.

Markman - o*g did you ever play this game?

https://youtu.be/vwCX_Y-J1XA

For so many years I thought my bro and I were the only 2 people on the planet to have ever encountered this piece of genius but now you've got me wondering if in fact you may have been privy to it too... :o) I know you had an amstrad and the link is spectrum but the game was also released on the former (I checked) :o)

I feel really good at the moment. Probably to do with being on top of the Christmas shop and the building work slowly drawing to a close. Sounds petulant but I reckon when the going got tough I just stamped my foot before and went and gambled... Definitely time to grow up.

I've also realised that a lot of my previous decision making was based around my 'credibility' and how that would be affected or how I could protect it. Ironically gambling has helped me to do away with the concept completely now... So I've decided to plug this hole in my value base with making decisions based on the greater good instead. It will be hard for me to execute on a daily basis as I've had my head up my a**e for some time now... But slowly and surely I'll get better at it I suppose... Baby steps to begin with. Merry Christmas all x

Hi signalman

Slowly with each day gamble free the tide is tuturning in our favour, the more we turn our back on gambling, the stronger we get.

Shaun

Hi S,

Thanks for your lovely post, not been on much but it's always nice to hear from you and you are doing so bloody well, keep stacking those days up!

Dx

Merry Christmas to you and your family pall

Hi

Thanks everyone for the posts. Hope you all had enjoyable Christmases.

ALN - It was my son's third Christmas, the first two he didn't know much about to be honest with you :o) thank you very much for the supportive message, means a lot. No interest in sport continues... When people try to engage me in sports I just tell them flatly that I'm done with it... A bit trivial but people seem respectful nonetheless.

Yes I recall feelings of hopelessness and desperation too. Without people on here in the early days (like yourself and others) guiding me through the imperative steps to protect myself and my family whilst the fog cleared in my head I would be down and out for sure. Nowadays I'm hopeful...

Thanks for the reminder about the past.

To be honest with you I had a bit of a meltdown at Christmas. All the renovation work to our house, trying to organise Christmas with no money, fractured relationship with wife after the gambling etc, work pressure... It all came to a head and got the better of me. Shamefully I must admit that I spent Christmas alone and my wife took her and my boy away to safer climates (the in-laws) as she didn't want him to see me in that state. I wanted to reach out to people but it was Christmas day and although I'm self-absorbed... Even I have my limits. So I battled through alone and picked myself up in time for the second half of boxing day. If I had been a boxer I probably would have been a world champion as I won't stay down... Not ever. I'll always get back up somehow. Next year and ongoing this will never happen again. I will never let my family down at Christmas like I have done this year.

Anyway... I'm ok now. I'm also starting to get it. Rather than sit idle and expect a recovery program to just magically work, instead I need to work my b******s off to be a good person, help people, make amends, develop myself and blot out all the previous nonsense in my life that sapped all the meaning from it, distracted me or proved to be a bad influence in it. This requires time, effort, dedication and is an ongoing commitment... No time to be complacent, the consequences of that could be deadly.

Anyway that's my tact from here on in, I'm going all out attack now to make a better life for myself and those around me.

Happy new year everyone.

My wife has been amazing through all this. Without her I would have been stuffed. I should tell her this.