No more half hearted efforts

and So here we are... payday eve. Made lists of where my outgoing absolutely MUST go tomorrow on bills and nothing else. Got majority of them set to leave me account tomorrow so that's good. The rest I will manually pay at 9am sharp. What little I have left will be withdraw from my account as I am an online gambler only and so careful with my money when I see it in real form not just numbers on a screen.

Feeling in control at the moment but anxious for tomorrow I'll admit.

Wish me luck I'll be straight on tomorrow venting my payday urges but I hope that's all theylll be.

J xxx

Good luck,stay strong .

Hi let down. Thank you for your encouragement!! J xxx

Hi G.j

Wishing you strength and dertermination for tomorrow. You have put some good plans into place. Just remind yourself how bad you will feel, both physically and emotionally, if you do not pay your bills but instead, gamble your money away. Just thinking back to when I would do this, makes me completely shudder!!!

Take care and stay strong as you have been doing.

Our Lady

Thanks our lady.

I plan to sit and fully emerge myself into those memories that I try to lock in the back of my mind, of the days I gambled my pay in a couple of hours and the emotions I felt. If that doesn't deter me from it then there is no hope. If revisiting the sick to the stomach, guilt, depressed, suicidal feelings won't prevent me trying to place a bet then I'll admit I need to come clean to my family as I can't do it alone.

Here to the real day 1 tomorrow as these days may have been by default as I've had no cash.

Thanks for the encouragement I'll check back in tomorrow.

J xxx

Well it's 1.18 on payday. It is my first day gamble free as far as I'm concerned. I'm actually 23 days gf but the true test was today. I would've normally been half ways if not almost all the way through gambling my wages and bill money by now. Nervous and sweating about needing my last couple of bets to be winners so I could just get back my bill money no more no less but here I am. I have paid every single one of my necessity bills. Even grinned and bared it and put money towards old debts that wouldn't even be in my mind if I was gambling. I need to start to repair my credit score and not have the pressure and guilt of hiding from my debts. So started to tackle them. No real urges to go on and gamble. Definitely niggling in my belly and tugging to want to find a site I'm not excluded from. But I know I won't. For today at least I'm one extra day gamble free. Feet firmly grounded in reality today. Thinking straight feeling blessed and fighting to continue this battle. J xxx

Day 24 absolutely no urges. Strange as usually a day after pay day I have a feeling of dread guilt and anxiety as it's when the lies start about why I can't pay anything or have no money. I'm experiencing tiny moments of dread as I think I'm so used to it but then I remind myself I didn't gamble I paid all my bills and I have money left and I'm elated! Keeping on fighting

Well done Gj.

You keep on fighting all the way to your next payday.

Enjoy a lovely g.f weekend.

Our Lady

Hi our lady. Thanks for the message. Enjoyed a lovely gf weekend I have had the best weekend I've had in a while. No urges at the moment. Just so nice to see the days add up. Hoping it's like giving up smoking where the longer you go without the less likely you are to relapse but we al know that's not true in regards to gambling. But today and for 24 others I have not gambled and for that I am proud!

J xxx

You go girl!!

Enjoy another g.f week ahead and look after yourself.

Our Lady

Thank you!!!!

Have a great week x

Keep it going X you are doing brilliantly

Hi Katie. Thank you. Day 27 no urges at all today. Was fighting them yesterday as people talking on the forum about their big wins triggered off greedy thoughts. But stayed away from the slots not that I'm not self excluded to every gambling site the first 10 pages google have to offer ha. Anyway I can see how this journey will be up and down some days good some days bad. I just hope I can fight them when they come. Hope your all well.

J xxx

Day 28. Not even a thought today. Had a really lovely day. Sun shone and I trolled the net to find a new electric toothbrush. Money well spent 🙂 ah the normality of life. Honestly hope it's here to stay because god do I feel peaceful this way. No inner turmoil or guilt or worry just at peace with my mind and actions. A good day. Gives me reason to fight for many more.

J xxx

Day 29. Nothing to report but happy happy happy. Know this can all change in a minute so feeling cautious but also enjoying every second I am not thinking about or being down, due to gambling.