Pinky's Diary

Hi Pinky, what a great post. I think you have made a good decision in starting a new diary. A fresh start. We all have had shaky moments/days/weeks on the road of recovery but the great thing about this road is that you can jump back on it and carry on your journey.

Debt is the big problem we are left with; a constant reminder of our mis-spent time and money. We will get there with determination and the wonderful support from forum members. Do you have blocks in place?

We all realise at some point how destructive our addiction is and take measures to give up but for some it is not easy, me for one. But the main thing is we understand that the blips we have are just a wee detour to our final destinatinon and we get back on that road again. Happy to be walking this road with you and wish you well in your recovery xx

Right. Day 1.

I wasn't going to post due to shame, but I know I must be honest.

Made my classic repeat mistake of drinking alone while staying in my parents home. I began on a casino app, made purchases and progressed to actual online gambling. £120 spent on a credit card. I just didn't care. I was drunk and totally absorbed in that gambling zone. I spent small amounts on three different sites. Setting low deposit limits on each before moving on to the next. Pfft. Today I'm trying to find ways to recoup losses. Reducing spending money on an upcoming trip away should do it. I don't want debts to increase and feel the need to pay this off asap so I can forget about it and carry on with my life.

I've asked the three sites for refunds, doubt I'll get them, but have to ask, as all three I'm already excluded from and updated them via email with my new address several months ago. Yet again I slipped through the net. Self exclusion isn't working. I need to up my game. I can get on top of this. I will get on top of this. From now on, I am in control and I refuse to online gamble anymore.

I'm disappointed. I've had some stress lately, which will be my trigger. I need to find healthier ways to cope and stop resorting back to my old patterns.

This is my personal kick up the bottom!! Come on Pinky. Get it together and get in recovery you nutcase!!!

Hi PInky .

Thanks for sharing youre diary with us and for youre honesty.

You musnt get too disheartened with a relapse . It needs too be put out of youre mind now and move on.Maybe its time to cut up the cc if you can ? , or leave them with someone close and only get them and use when needed and return them ?

Lets see day 2 now Pinky , i wish you all the best in youre recovery ! good luck !

Pinky, you have had a lapse and came straight back on here ready to start again - I so wish I had done that when I had my drunken moment when I first joined the forum. But, unlike you, I tried to recoup my losses by losing much, much more; and this highlights the fact that I wasn't fully committed to my recovery. So, well done on hitting it right on the head and getting back on the road of recovery - just think of it as a wee detour as you are still on the road. Get as many blocks in place and you'll get there. Take care xx

Thanks guys.

I cut up my card this afternoon. It was slack of me to think I'd be able to stay sensible with a credit card in my purse.

I told all to my partner over the phone. He says he's fine, but I'm sure he must be feeling disappointed and upset. It means the world to me to know he's there through thick and thin. What an amazing man. Love him loads!

I'm going to call my GP on Monday to get an appointment to discuss low moods, depression and my gambling issues. I feel I've gotten into a cycle lately of feeling low, falling into gambling to escape then feeling a million times worse after a relapse. Then the depression wanes levelling out to a constant low mood. I see now that I've been sweeping it under the carpet and not wanting to face that I might actually have depression and need a little help to lift it. I've not been enjoying life for the past year or so, and there's no obvious reasons why not (apart from gambling slips perhaps). Several days a week when I get up in the mornings the first thing I do is cry and I don't even know why. That's not normal and needs addressing.

I want my happiness back.

Pinky, you are so right to make that appt to see your GP. Low mood comes from many things, not only depression (anaemia, hypothyroidism, chronic illness). Also the issues which gambling brings can cause low moods and when you are feeling low, you mistakenly think that gambling will 'cheer you up' or lift your mood and, in fact it does the opposite and we find we are in a destructive cycle. You are not alone, loads of us have been there.

Getting your happiness back is now your goal and a life without compulsive gambling will help get you there. You have the support of your wonderful husband and this is invaluable providing you are truthful and transparent. I am lucky like you to have a supportive partner and, for me it makes me like I am not alone in the battle.

I wish you well and hope that, through time you will get your happiness back. I am sure you will succeed as you have realised things are not right and you are taking action to deal with it. Take care my love, we are on this road together xx

Thank you Annie. Your words there mean a lot to me. Thanks.

Blessings and well wishes to you x

Hello Pinky333, Just saw your reply in TheMasks thread, I see you're starting your journey again, which is great news by the way and well done, I will be counting day 1 from Monday, hopefully as we're at the same stage, we can offer support to each other? Stay strong, and nice to hear you have support around you too!

Day 2.

Still feeling rather raw and vulnerable. Anxiety depression has taken it's hold, making me worry so much about debts. My interest free period on my credit card ends in two months, so that's worrying me. I owe £1350 on that card, I called the company and the estimated interest is around £25 per month, which means it will take me maybe an extra month to pay off than I originally planned. I have a loan which ends Dec 2017, and another card which was cancelled a couple of years ago I make small payments on each month.

I've applied for a two year loan with which I could consolidate everything plus have a little extra left over. Tempting, but I think I might not take it after all. I've had my calculator out this morning, and if I work hard and focus I can get the two cards paid up by November next year, potentially making me debt free in twenty months rather than 24. I had thought I could pay this consolidation loan and put a little aside for extra payments to repay it early, but I know what I'm like. I'd find something to spend the money I put aside on and would end up stretching out the loan for the full term.

Being in debt is making me so stressed and ill. Even though financially I'm better than I was. I think it's the anxiety brought on by my relapse causing this. My head and emotions are all over the place and I know I'm not thinking clearly.

Hopefully things will seem clearer once my fog has lifted. I'm feeling so low and disappointed in myself today, even had some suicidal thoughts earlier - I don't think I'm capable of acting on them, just feeling very sorry for myself.

I hate what gambling turns me into. I'm a shell of the woman I can be.

I've been here before, and know it will get better. This bit is the hardest while I'm feeling overwhelmed. It's an awful place to be in.

Hi Pinky,

Thank you for your words of support on my own thread, they mean a lot.

Hopefully together we can join forces to crash through this addiction and emerge on the other side victorious. Like you, the debt shame really hangs over me. All I can think of is the financial destruction I have suffered - 15K in debt, and I am paying £300 interest per month on my credit cards This has been my downfall every single time I have attempted to quit, worrying too much about the money aspect. The money is very much a side issue right now. We have to focus solely on quitting, forget about the debts for a while until we have tamed the beast. The guilt and shame and emotional rollercoaster we ride is more damaging to our mental health than we imagine. I believe we have to concentrate fully on abstaining, and once we have gathered enough strength and repaired our mental state somewhat, we can work on repaying our debts.

There will never be a quick fix. I plan to work my a*s off, and pour in the overtime hours, but I refuse to do this when I am still in this early stage of recovery. I can't go on knowing that all my extra hard work will be lost in one potential slip.

I feel for you, but you have the support of your other half which is so important. I wish you all the best. Stay strong.

The mask x

Hi Pinkie, good luck when you see you GP tomorow. Here is some info on depression which you may find helpful. CLICKY

With regards to your debt have you considered debt management? This way you no longer need to think about loans, interest payments etc - this is all managed for you. It may be less stressful and better for your mental health. I use StepChange although there are others - just make sure you use a company who do not charge for their services. I have so much debt that I would not be able to cope without help.

Take care friend, things will get easier for you xx

Thank you for your posts Annie and mask. It's amazing to have support of others in the same situation. I wish I could get my head around repeating the same mistakes. I intend to continue using this forum and get into some chat sessions too.

I'm feeling better than I did earlier. I said I'd be debt free by the end of next year, but I wasn't counting the money I owe my parents, so that's not strictly true. The interest baring debts are my current priority and that's what I'm focusing on. I can afford to pay them off and still live comfortably affording bills and have some money for me each month. It's not so bad I guess. Things could be worse.

Still, I feel like an idiot.

Anyway, for today I'm concentrating on trying to relax and enjoy my Sunday evening. Tomorrow I will think about getting up and getting to work and then sorting out that appointment with the gp. Everything else can get sorted from there. Bit by bit. Day by day. Hour by hour if need be.

Hey Pinky, glad to hear your weekend went well, and its good you're motivated for work too, some mornings I find it hard to give a **** if I'm honest, but once I'm up I crack on, so good for you on that one! And best of luck with the GP, hope they help you out with what you're after!

And don't feel like an idiot, we do idiotic things, what we do doesn't define who we are!

Onto day 3.

Woke up several times in the night, but by 5am I felt happy and at peace enjoying laying there resting and dozing until the alarm went off at 6:30am.

As soon as I got up I felt overwhelmed with feelings of anxiety and fear. I know deep down everything is going to be okay. I'm scared of my debts - but nothing's really changed since before my slip, and I had accepted them then.

Slips in my recovery send me so down hill mentally and emotionally. I wish I had the option of taking a sick day, but I shouldn't let my employers down. And I want my gambling mistakes to affect my daily life as little as possible. Some routine and normality will do me good.

Hopefully I'll be okay once I've showered and gotten going and I force myself to just get on with the day.

Right at this moment I feel so sad, scared and alone.

I know I'm not. I'm just struggling a bit 🙁