Pinky's Diary

Pinky, you have to stop worrying about your debts. The fact you can't rest easy will ultimately lead you back to a place you don't want to be in. Debts can be repaid, they will only escalate if you slip. You need to focus on moving your mindset away from "I have so many debts" to "I have a gambling problem, which I am now addressing". You're taking positive steps, try and remain upbeat. Money isn't everything.

Stay strong. And keep in touch.

Onto day four.

Thanks em. Had myself all wound up and anxious for the calling coming through between 12:30pm and 2:30pm - had one of my charges at preschool and the other sleeping. Perfect. Collected the older child from preschool at 2:30pm, took both children to the library and of course the gp rings me at 2:45pm when I'm in a public place with two preschoolers at my ankles! Pfft lol.

Managed to hide in a corner while the boys went to the children's area just within my sights and explain my situation to the gp, hopefully without anyone overhearing too much!

She's put me on a low dose of antidepressant and made me a face to face appointment for in a couple of weeks, so I will see how I get on.

Had a grumpy day today. Just couldn't be bothered with getting up. Had a good eight hours sleep (a rarity recently) and woke up shattered. Been quite irritable and negative today really. Obviously putting on my smile and game face at work, just not enjoying being there. Shame really because when I'm on form I really love my job.

Got the fella picking me up from work and I promised him a chip shop dinner. I should be looking forward to that, but I can't really be bothered with either! Grumpy grumpy grumpy!

I shall try to snap myself out of this mood and enjoy my evening if only to be fair to my partner who genuinely is looking forward to tonight as we haven't seen each other since last week.

Nice happy thoughts x

Hi pinky day 4 that's mint .! I've been reading your diary and your doing really well , we all have our bad days I've had loads ! Lol. Your facing your problems head on and that takes courage , being in debt is horrible ! I've got debts through gambling but since I've stopped I can see that you can sort anything out it just takes time and help . Hope everything works out for you , try the chat room 8- 9 each night if you can , that helps me when I'm down ! Loz

Pinky, my love, depression is not something you can snap out of, please remember that and do not let anyone ever let you feel that way! Great job from GP putting you on antidepressants; again, remember these can take a few weeks to take effect so, stick with it. A face to face appt is exactly what you need, definitely a bit better than the library with two wee ones.

You are doing really well, friend. You are facing your problems head on and, with the support of your lovely partner (and us, of course lol), you will get there. Take care xx

Oh pinky, how I can relate. I can sleep for 12 hours and wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed. It's a horrible feeling, and one that often sees us labelled "lazy". Congratulations on day 4. I'm right there with you, let's keep ticking off the days.

I hope you enjoyed your chip shop dinner. I treated myself to a KFC today, it felt good actually buying myself some food, instead of feeding it senselessly into a machine. I do the same, I put a game face on at work, it's like living a double life which I do everything to keep separate. These two worlds can never collide.

Anyway, sending my best wishes. I hope your mood has picked up somewhat.

It's the morning of day 5.

It is a bit like leasing a double life sometimes. Never really thought about it. Putting so much effort into appearing 'normal' for the world, I wonder if that's why I'm such an emotional mess in private? Holding in all the emotions and anguish all day, then as soon as you get a minute to yourself it has to just be released!

I think my partner might be a bit frustrated with me, bless him. I had a cry in the early hours, and couldn't tell him why. I just felt really sad for no real reason - except maybe because I was tired and couldn't sleep. He's desperate for me to open up and talk more. I need to explain its the depression. I cry when I'm sad and sometimes I'm sad for the tiniest thing right now.

He wants to fix everything lol. Which is really nice, but he has to come to terms he can't. All I need form him is patience and cuddles 🙂

I've been up since about 4am. Tired. It'll be another plod along through work day today. Going to collect my prescription later and get started on getting better.

I had an interesting email yesterday, after back and forward emails and my being very insistent, one of the sites I had my slip on last week agreed to refund my deposits, so that's half the money back. That'll be a help with my next cc payment. I should feel victorious really, but I just feel ashamed I gave them the money in the first place. Still, there is a smidgen of relief too.

Right, time to get dressed and off to work!!

I will do my best to have a good day. Most definitely a gamble free day!

Hi my love, hope you're feeling better. No wonder you are knackered getting up at stupid o'clock!

Forget about your recent losses - looking back makes going forward a more difficult task. Take care xxx

Day 7

Had a friend round for dinner last night, and lots of wine. I still feel, um shall we say, happy? Lol.

We had a great chat, and discussed depression, and one thing that stuck out was speaking about how some days you feel fine, and everything seems great, so you tell yourself you can't be depressed and don't bother to do anything about it. I've realised I've been up and down mood wise like a blooming yo yo for this past year, and it's not normal for me! I feel I've done the right thing seeking help. I always worry I'm just being silly, overemotional, perhaps a bit of a hypercondriact, simply feeling sorry for myself and try to sweep it away. Well no more. I've begun a daily mood diary and will document exactly how I'm doing, so I can be honest with my gp and act accordingly.

Had a frustrating email from a well known gambling site. I self excluded from there years ago, and it came up as I self excluded from their sister site at the weekend. Apparently the 20-30 emails I sent to various sites to update my address and ensure I remain self excluded last year count for nothing! This site told me my new address was added as 'a note on the account, but the registered address remained the same' - no wonder I've been able to open new accounts!?! Ffs.

They go into how ultimately I'm responsible for my gambling and actions, which is true. But I'm angered, as I know I'm a risk, and I took what I thought were preventative steps to ensure my accounts remained blocked by informing them of detail changes. Seems the only way I can remain blocked is to open a new account with my current address then request another self exclusion.

What an absolute farce!

On a lighter note, I'm not feeling low today. Feeling good and positive and am enjoying my work day so far. Looking forward to getting home tonight. Been cat sitting for a week now, and I'm looking forward to a night in my own bed 🙂

Hi, Pinky,

I also dealt with his self exclusion by letters, I wrote them, he signed them. The letters said that he was a problem gambler, sorry, but it's better to spell it out. We quoted all his details, name, address, account number, passwords and asked for permanent self exclusion, no future accounts on any of their sites and no further contact by any means. Once posted, there's no going back for that company. Other than confirmation, we have not heard further, their email did refer him to a particular page on their site specially for problem gamblers but happily he has not needed to rely on this. And the blockers work.

If you go for snail mail, the only caveat is that someone else should seek out the addresses for you. Finding the postal address on his main website took me an intensive fifteen minutes and some mental swearing but this particular helpful piece of furniture is to be found in an office in Hertfordshire, not in cyberspace. Or possibly google the registered office of the betting company.

Hope this helps, wish you well,

CW

The whole industry is geared towards taking advantage of those with gambling problems. We are their profit.

They will try every trick to manipulate you back into playing.. Stay strong, don't let them win this time.

I hope you are well.

Hi Pinky, hope you are well. I think we've all had unwanted emails and post from these unscrupulous barstweards but bin them, set fire to them and feel empowered because you are in charge!!

Hope the mood is settling and it's great that you took the step of going to see your GP. The fog will lift and you will be surprised how you will feel.

Take care friend xx

Day 11

Doing okay. Had two days of a first aid course, so enjoyed being home early 🙂

Looking forward to seeing friends and family over Easter weekend now x

We are doing it pinky! 11 days and counting. Every day is a milestone. Enjoy your Easter, you deserve it.

Day 12, well done Pinky. Hope you are well. I'm @bored.com as on annual leave until start my new job 4th April so doing quite a bit of reading diaries and general stalking!! Take care xx

Day 15

It's only been a couple of weeks, but it seems much longer!

Had dinner with my two besties on Thursday, then went to work with my partner at a comedy club in Liverpool yesterday.

Been busy with boring house work today. All done now, so I think it's wine o'clock 🙂

Going out for lunch with my parents tomorrow, so that'll be nice.

Best thing for me to do is keep busy 🙂