Ready to start this path again

The holiday's over 🙁 but I've reached another milestone 150 days 🙂

Chuffed to bits! Can't hang around tonight as I have to get to bed - starting a fitness regime tomorrow morning before work - I'll let you know how it goes!

Hi samorgo,

well done on 150 days gamble-free! It sounds like you are really making an effort and are seeing the results.

Keep up the good work and keep posting.

All the best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Thanks for the message Eva. This time I really do mean business and I am so pleased that I am getting further and further away from the hell that was my addiction. There are times when I think about gambling (or more so the "big money I could win") but it rarely enters my mind these days. Money (or debt) is still a big thing for me but life is better, I have no doubt saying that. While I had read many others on here saying that over the years I really didn't understand how much better life is without gambling in it. I used to pay lip service and think life could be just as good with "controlled" gambling but now I understand that I do have to be abstinent to get the best results and I am OK with that.

I've reached another milestone - 160 days! I'm not on here much but i am still working at overcoming my demons. I have been struggling with my eating recently - I recognise that it's linked to money and stress but I haven't resorted to gambling like I would have done in the past. I am joining a slimming group tomorrow so hoping to get healthy. I have also applied for some new jobs - I'm not feeling very confident about getting any of them but for once I am trying, which is a real step forward for me. I just need to develop my self confidence and believe how people talk about me.

I shouldn't punish myself for the rest of my life but it is difficult when I feel so bad about the choices I have made. I know I'm not a bad person but I can't shrug the shame that I feel about my gambling. Still work to be done but still going strong...

Struggling today... Not going to gamble but memories of how I would have in days gone by are running through my head. This isn't so much about the gambling but the way I live my life. I suppose it's habits and so I need to make new ones - new routines. Tomorrow will be 170 days gamble free and at he end of this month I will not have gambled for 6 months - this shows that I can make real changes so I just need to do it with other areas of my life.

I don't know why but I have just being feeling negative lately. Tonight though I am realising that the way to change my mindset is to behave differently. I can do this - I can have a better life. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it - I don't deserve a second chance but t's time to leave the guilt behind. What's done is done. I can't undo the financial damage I have caused. I can't win back the time and opportunities I have missed out on in the depths of my addiction. I can however make a difference to my future. I need to make better use of my time. I need to take care of myself, my husband and my home. I need to make better decisions and choices. I can do this.

Don’t ever doubt your self, you have achieved so much, if it ain’t broke, don’t mend it! Yes we can all change what we do for the better , easy does it, from what i can see you’re doing good, . As for ‘don’t deserve a second chance ‘ who gave you a second chance? You created it,,, that’s what we do , no one gives us, we choose. Guard Up Rainman

Thanks for your lovely post rainman. I hope you're still going strong too.

So finally I've been let in!! I've been unable to log in for weeks so I've missed celebrating some milestones on here but today I'm 193 days clear so only another week to 200!!

I'm feeling much more settled. There are times when I worry about the debt and think of ways to improve it but I now know (and have proven to myself) that gambling does not. I can say I will never gamble again and it doesn't make me shiver, queasy or sweat these days as giving up is the best thing I've ever done. I know I need to stay alert but I'm so pleased I have blocks in place in case the urge were ever to arise again.

Today is going to be a good day!

Read your diary. You're doing absolutely amazing. Inspiring. Keep up the good work! Stay strong!

Thanks signalman. I am really pleased that I am still gamble free and that it is becoming increasingly easy, and the past is becoming an increasingly distant memory. 2 more days and it will have been 200 days since I gave my last pennies to the online gambling establishments. I will never give them another penny and it feels amazing to say and believe that.

Although living a gamble free life is good that isn't to say everything is rosy. Giving up gambling is a start to a new life but it leaves scars which have to be tended to.I am still at the beginning of that journey. Yes it includes the scar of debt and financial difficulties but it also includes the scars it has left on my personality and mental health. I am still embaressed and guilty about how I was and what I did when I was gambling but I also now have such low self esteem and confidence that I am finding it difficult to move forward with my life. Each day I need to take steps to rebuild me, as well as my life.

Day 210 - another milestone and so close to 7 calendar months... I was ready for giving up this time and I feel so proud of myself for keeping going and staying clear of gambling for the last 7 months. Each day I feel stronger and more confident that I am done with gambling.

I am not feeling so confident in other areas of my life... stress at work over the past few weeks has led to me comfort eating. I feel out of control with my eating but whereas in the past I would have switched on my computer and gambled hoping to make my life better by winning big this time gambling did not even enter my mind. I now recognise that food is the other addiction in my life. If I can overcome one addiction I believe that I can overcome another. I am ready to tackle my demons and face my emotions. I heard someone on TV today saying when you're ready to overcome an addiction you just know. That was true with gambling and I am hoping it's going to be true with food. I am fed up of feeling like this - I am fat and flabby, I get out of breath walking up stairs, I am lazy, I have no energy, I'm unhealthy and I just feel rubbish... I don't want to be this person any more. So on day 210 of being gamble free I am on day 0 of a new healthy life. I know overeating is not going to be easy to overcome but if I can make healthy choices and make changes to my lifestyle I will start to feel better about myself.

I know this diary is meant to be about my gambling addiction but I genuinely feel I am in control of that now. When I say I will never gamble again I now that I won't. Gambling is well and truly in my past and it will not be in my future. Yes financially I am getting better since quitting gambling but other areas of my life don't feel any different so I need to address that and make the changes needed to start building my confidence and self esteem. Until today I didn't think I was able to face my weight and food issues but I now feel ready and a small part of me feels I can do it. I have just got to keep believing it and make those changes.

Dear samorgo

Well done on passing 200 days gf, and just to let you know that if you need any advice or support on how to get help to deal with the underlying feelings that gambling in the past has left you with, do feel free to chat to an advisor on the HelpLine 0808 8020 133 or the netline. Keep looking forwards, and keep posting.

Warm regards

Leigh

Forum Admin

Thanks Leigh I may well get in contact in the future.

Haven't been on here in a long while but pleased to report still gf and now 230 days clear!! I'm so proud of myself. I will try and check in more often but I like to mark milestones so they may not be frequent but I'm still fighting!

Dear Samorgo,

just wanted to say huge congratulations to 231 days gamble free, that is some excellent recovery work.

Keep going, keep posting and keep up the focus.

All the best,

Eva

Forum Admin

I reached another milestone yesterday - 240 days! I am now 241 days clear of gambling. I have been struggling over recent days as this is the time of year I would have gambled in the past trying to get some much needed extra cash for the festive period. In reality it would have led to more stress and worries but that isn't how I saw it at the time. This year I won't be trying to win extra money, instead I will be having a Christmas which is within my means and I will be continuing to pay my bills to reduce the debt that gambling in the past has caused. It's sad to think that I am still paying back the cost of gambling from numerous Christmases ago however one day it will be gone and I won't have that worry any more. I'm glad I have the blocks in place but equally I am OK with the fact that I will never gamble again and with 241 days under my belt I am not going to destroy all that hard work to give more of my hard earned money to big businesses.

I have been feeling pretty negative and sad the past few days. It is probably linked to money (and the lack of it), at a time when everyone is buying Christmas presents and thinking about Christmas social gatherings... But I am also feeling sad about myself. I am still struggling with my weight, health and fitness and despite having a good cleaning day on Friday my home is still a mess and I'm sad that life seems to be passing me by. Tonight I read on another (weight loss related) forum the following quote: "if you're not working your way up you're inevitably going down. With life there is no stagnant, time will pass and you're either moving on the failure curve or the success curve" This really resonated with me. Feeling sad is a choice. Being passive is a choice. Choosing to sit on the sofa stuffing chocolate in my mouth is a choice. I choose not to be miserable anymore. I choose to engage, I choose to be active in life (metaphorically and physically). Although I have chosen to come to bed early tonight (as it's nice and warm) I am sitting here making choices about tomorrow. Tomorrow is a fresh chance to start again. I am planning on what I am going to do, what I am going eat and how I am going to exercise. For the past almost 8 months, every day I have fought not to gamble (some days have been easier than others) and from tomorrow I will fight to have the life I want. I deserve this, I deserve to be happy. I am fed up of punishing myself for my past mistakes. I know it won't be easy but I have to do this. I want to make these changes no matter how difficult they are as I want the success that comes from eating healthily, exercising and doing chores regularly. I can do this.

Well done samorgo. Good for you!