I have been gambling for at least the last 10 years, it starred on the fruit machines in the local pub and has eventually led to big problems playing the roulette in the bookies.
Its been a problem for a few years now and although I dont gamble everyday I have lost a lot of money from constantly binge gambling I cant seem to go longer than a couple of days/week or a few weeks at the most until I return.
It leaves me feeling low in mood, anxious, affects my relationship, stressed, low self esteem, debts and right now after a loss today just completely lost and unable to cope.
I have tried handing money to parents, counselling, self exclusion but always find a way to return maybe as a reward when im feeling good or as a block from coping with life on a day to day basis.
I want today to be the last blowout ive had and make steps towards a new life, new me and recovery.
Any suggestions and support would help I cant keep torturing myself any longer.
Today is day 1.
Feels very raw and difficult. Chasing losses is on my mind this morning but deep down I know I can't do that.
Going to start making some changes to my life so that I can become happy within myself.
Today I will not gamble and another change I will make today is to stop smoking.
Hi Typical me,
Read back through the 3rd paragraph of your first post. Everytime you get an urge read that powerful paragraph for strength to stop. It touched a nerve with me as a reminder of how I never want to feel again. We deserve a better life without financial stress and guilt. I for one won't be rejoining that merry go round again. Stay strong the first week can be hard. The odds get higher as the days build up as you won't want to throw them all away
Yeah I agree Katie thanks for stopping by on my diary and offering support.
Well yesterday was difficult with the grand national and day of sport but I made it through.
Had lots of urges and constant thoughts im down this much, was up that much, could have been up this much etc. It was quite difficult.
Had a difficult nights sleep but trying to realise things will start to get better each day.
I find if can keep myself organised and make to do lists I can see progress in my life and when I stop doing them I seem to gamble. Maybe if I have a bad day, or when I cant be bothered, or feel complacent, or stressed, bored thats when the likelohood of gambling is at its highest. So I guess there is a lot to work on and understand really in order to overcome this.
Also struggle sleeping and feel a bit overwhelmed at times.
Im going to try and be kind to myself work on my flaws and get to a better place.
I made it through two days its not much but its a start.
Cant seem to stop. Head is all over the place. One disaster after another.
Got to beat this but just dont seem to have the skills or know how its become such a S****y way of life.
Today is day 1 again. Feel like i'm in a real rut at the moment. My motivation and self esteem are at an all time low. Ive been eaten up by this addiction.
I dont know how I manage to maintain my job, my relationship and keep going from day to day with this mask up to be honest. I need to find a way to beat this but i am really struggling right now.
Today is day two.
I have to say I am quite ashamed and embarassed at some of my actions when I have gambled such as borrowing money, accumulating debts, searching online for payday loans to chase losses. I have lied to my parents and my girlfriend or had to pretend everything is okay when really I have been in absolute despair after another mad binge or loss. It leaves me with a great sense of regret and low mood that I would be so selfish to behave like this.
One thing I need to realise on my recovery is that everything in life has a value such as shopping, clothes, everyday essentials, treating myself, treating my girlfriend, saving up, socialising, playing sport, bus fare, bills, I should not begrudge paying for these things as they are either necessary or worthwhile things to do rather than begrduge paying for these things when I wouldnt bat an eyelid at spinning £20 a time on a roulette machine.
I need to realise when I am having a bad day, when I am bored, when I am stressed, when I am a bit irritable or tired that it is not an excuse or a reason to gamble as I will only compound things as in the end there is only one winner and it's not me.
I have to accept that I cannot place one single bet as it leads to destruction.
I have to be patient, honest and kind to myself and put this behind me so I can move forward with my life.
Although I feel low now and can beat myself up quite a bit this feeling will pass if I make the commitment not to gamble one day at a time.
I am considering telling my parents again even though it will upset them I have relapsed in the last couple of weeks. I am going to leave my bank card at home each day and kep money in parents bank and have a bit of money each day so that hopefully I can keep myself safe.
I think finaly I have to change the way in which I live my life over time so that I am happy within myself and content not to gamble.
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