The end of it all

You can be happier I swear - I know from the chat room your money issues of course.

You have to find an approach that suits you and work on it - lots of different views here to move forward.

A lot of people believe in the One Day At a Time approach which I'm sure you've heard of - it seems to make it manageable for a lot of people who genuinely want to stop gambling.

Morning, first thank you Phil for posting you took the time to support a fellow sufferer meant a lot. This time of day my mental well being is at its worst so I try to help that by being on here reading and posting. I hope really hope I have reached my rock bottom where gambling is concerned , today will be the first day when I will be buying food with money from my current account as opposed to using the fobt in the bookies to fund the spend for 6 months. To me it’s quite clear I have issues with money, an almost pathological fear of having no money. I have to address that. Do any more of you out there have this issue? Also do any of you have that awful morning feeling of not wanting to ever leave your bed again after a major gambling loss? I will get up to go to work but i have no desire to.

Paul
Fella I lived with that tortured mind for more than twenty years,the abject feeling of worthlessness, the feeling that I didn't want to live grew to the point were I set off to commit suicide, truthfully if it weren't for there being engineering works I wouldn't be writing this post,that's the reality of where addiction will take you or can take you.
I went to the doctors willingly after the event,I spoke with the crisis team and have been seeing a gp monthly since,for me medication for the depression I have suffered for the greater part of my life. Addiction convinced me for my active gambling life that the only thing I needed to fix myself was to keep pursuing the act of gambling,that no matter how great the losses I should continue in vain doing what I had always done,run to addictions open arms.
My vice machines,fruit machines as a young man and the fobt from the day the bookmaker installed them.
The two held the allure of being able to stay in action for great lengths of time, the results of each episode the same,loss.
Put bluntly I would put at times six or seven times the highest possible jackpot into a machine in a single gambling episode.
Why?? To win? No to escape the world I created.
I refer to the fobt as the £500 dream breaker, if I were foolish enough to become active again I would need to win the jackpot with every spin well over 300 times or there about to simply break even!! How many maximum jackpot pay-outs did I win in my fobt life?? I can count them on two hands.
I will tell you this fella, nothing changes if nothing changes.
Make a list of all your debt,speak to someone,anyone with regards to them,seek professional help it's out there.
The only person who you have to care for right now is the one that looks back at you when you look in the mirror.
Be kind to yourself.
What is done is done.
From here there are two paths ahead,please don't go down the one I did because you are like every other living soul worth more.
Look after yourself.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs.

Hi LML, to answer the couple of questions you asked - Yes to both of them.

I too have issues in dealing with money although I have addressed them and got a lot better with it since going gamble free. It used to be the case where I lost X amount gambling, say £500 leaving me with nothing. I would then proceed to borrow £600 to cover my losses, crazy! I got to the point multiple times over the years of knowing I needed to stop gambling but actually believed I couldn't afford to if that makes any sense. I wouldn't even put the heat on for half an hour on winter mornings in order to save money!! I truly didn't understand the value of money and with the 'on demand' society we live in I fell victim to wanting all these lovely things and concluded gambling was the only way to get them. I didn't want to wait a few years saving up month after month, I didn't even want to wait a day. I wanted it all now, even yesterday if possible.

My answer is Yes as well to waking up and not wanting to get out of bed. There have been many mornings I have woken up after an hour or 2 sleep (gambling online 24/7) after losing a months wages thinking to myself 'what is the point?' I used to feel so low and like you said had no desire whatsoever to get up and go to work. There were times I had convinced myself that everyone around me would be better off if I just disappeared

I'll not repeat all the things you could/should do as I'm sure you have heard it all before. What I will say is the desire to stop and recover from gambling addiction has to outweigh the desire for a punt but when it doesn't, you need effective barriers in place to keep you safe.

You can recover from this addiction, believe me it can be done. Maybe it's time to step out of the comfort zone so to speak and accept all the support available (real-life support as well as online). Just doing the same old things will result in the same old story. It took me over a decade to realise 'my way' simply wasn't working so I finally tried another way, one I didn't feel comfortable with initially but actually works.

All the best

Hi diary I awake again to that awful knotted anxious feeling in my stomach with my brain registering that I am still alive back in the mess of what is life. It is absolutely unbelievable what I have done with my finances over the last ten years, I am so ashamed and gutted that the overwhelming feeling every morning is too never get out of bed again, (will this thought ever leave me). But I will rise to go to work for £80.00 gross the figure looks small when you consider the hundred of thousands won and lost. I am rambling a bit but I can’t deal with these early hours of the day any other way. I guess I need a hug and someone to say it will be ok in the end which in reality I know it won’t. I have a counsellor phone call at 1 today my only real link with with my gambling demons.

Lost, you say you you know that in reality you know that it won't be all right un the end. If you stay gamble free it will. It will. Everything will be alright eventually.

It’s taken everything from me gambling, my money, my pride, my self belief, without my pension fund I have no means of survival , I hate the gambling industry and I hate myself, I want to hide from everything and everyone I am so ashamed with what has happened to me. Angry upset angry depressed disgusted depressed, sorry for this just can’t do a day at a time my head keeps going to the future, and I know my future is doomed.

Hi LML

Time to draw that line, what's done is done. We have all been there. You can't look back at the losses but you cannot ignore them either. Just know each day you do not gamble is a day wealthier, financially and mentally. Put the stick away, do not beat yourself up any longer. Give yourself some credit for finally deciding to address it and try to stop.

Your future is not doomed, far from it. It would be if you continue to gamble. There is no quick fix and I guess that is what us gamblers crave and have been used to. However there is a future if you commit to it. Start dreaming and do all you can to realise those dreams. Try not to carry anymore shame, yes you have messed up, have debt and have nothing to show for it but you are 8 days clear of gambling and if you keep at it you will start to feel something you maybe haven't felt for many years.

Good luck

Matt

Matt 24 wrote:

Hi LML

Time to draw that line, what's done is done. We have all been there. You can't look back at the losses but you cannot ignore them either. Just know each day you do not gamble is a day wealthier, financially and mentally. Put the stick away, do not beat yourself up any longer. Give yourself some credit for finally deciding to address it and try to stop.

Your future is not doomed, far from it. It would be if you continue to gamble. There is no quick fix and I guess that is what us gamblers crave and have been used to. However there is a future if you commit to it. Start dreaming and do all you can to realise those dreams. Try not to carry anymore shame, yes you have messed up, have debt and have nothing to show for it but you are 8 days clear of gambling and if you keep at it you will start to feel something you maybe haven't felt for many years.

Good luck

Matt

Great post, Matt!

He's right, every second that you don't gamble is a second further away from your darkest time. You're travelling further and further away from that moment with each passing second. Stay gamble free, and you will begin to feel good about yourself. Imagine yourself hitting one month, 50 days etc gamble free. Imagine the pride you'd feel and the praise that you would get from your fellow posters. It's worth it. I, myself, have not reached 50 days gamble free but I'm going to make sure that this is MY time. And so it should be yours too!

If my maths are correct, you should reach 50 days around about the start of December. Make that your target. Put it in your diary and keep focusing on that day. 6th December I think it is. We're all here for you every step of the way.

Moorey

I lie in bed awaiting sleep x what does the future hold x problems I know x I’m not looking forward to facing them x nite gamcare i wish I didn’t need you but I definitely do x

If possible try not to think too far ahead, lots of small goals are easier than an enormous mountain to climb.You will get through this and day by day things will get a little better. Take care S:)

will6.00 am x what a mess x my finances and my head x I understand this day at a time x but my head won’t accept it x my body and head ache it’s like a have a heavy weight inside my chest, I guess that’s the grief in me. I just can’t see me getting over this x I need financial clarity and it’s never going to be there again ever x I also am aware this lack of money is going to have to be made clear to my family, no one needs my money but I may need financial support from them in my later years x absolute fear in having to tell them x it’s now 6.12 x 12 further minutes gone of what has turned out to be a really s....y life x life will never be worth bothering with again I think x no one wants to feel like this x i will be back later x

Hello diary x early morning anxiety and head issues x the losses are too great too bear x my recovery from this is going to take years if ever x I will never get why I have continued to gamble this year after my life was sorted x also I feel so alone with this problem I have no one to share with it’s such a lonely mental health problem x

Hi Paul

You are not alone my friend, debts and compulsive gambling go hand in hand, like you I was in a good financial place but somehow my stupid head decided I should mess that all up, and it's hard to get over the losses, very hard. We all get the negative voices in our head but what should we do give into them feel sorry for ourselves go back to gambling. If youve stopped gambling and really want to stop youve already won. Work out how to sort your debts and move on, move up. Dont daily beat up on yourself that is not good or healthy for you to do. Stay Strong.

I used to love this part of the week-end, off to my partners for a lovely weekend, food fresh air and fun, but having spent the last nine months losing all my funds i cant feel anything, recovery from this addiction is months away,I may have finished gambling for good but gambling has finished me, I am broken, truly broken, a man whose spirit has gone. This time it has truly killed my soul, I just feel numb plus many other adjectives which conjur up misery and depression. I will be back Sunday night or Monday, hope everyone has a gamble free week-end.