I've been thinking a lot about this question over the last 130 days. It's easy to accept what people say and believe in their thoughts or try to change them. It's not for me to worry about what people think, try to second guess or read minds. Their thoughts are their thoughts. What matters is my thoughts. When I went into recovery I asked myself, if I had died at that point what would have been written on my tombstone. Gambler, liar, thief, cheat, manipulator, fraudster, gaslighter and I'm sure people would have made a lot more suggestions. But is that what the last 44 years have meant to everyone ? Is that all I was ? NO. Not only did I do a lot of good but alongside my addiction I still grew as a good person. Yes that didn't manifest well all the time but it was there. So it's not about how anyone defines me, it's about my recovery but again that's a definition label, however I'm comfortable with that. Recovery to me isn't stopping gambling. It's not about riding white water waves or eating cold turkey. It's about growing as a human being. It's about arresting the addiction, holding ego at bay, negative actions. It's about listening and learning. I think I have a road ahead. Although there isn't a finishing line as there is no perfection only progress. I can still see in the distance "good person". So my recovery involves walking, not running, maybe even strolling rather than walking, down my own road, on an upward slope to my goal. I can listen and take knowledge for people but they can't push from behind. It's my road so I can't bring people along with me or worry about their road. To me community is a series of roads. They align to the left and right of me but none of them are the same. If we look back, the same scenario, they all look different. Behind me I see a long series of bad decisions and mistakes. Surely, rather than take all the negative shame with me, that will slow me down. Instead I choose to learn from those mistakes, do my utmost to not repeat them but I'm not perfect. Rather than regret for my past I will use it as knowledge
Stuart what a really powerful reflection, and honestly it reads like someone who’s doing the real, hard work not just stopping a behaviour but rebuilding from the inside out.
I really admire how you’ve separated who you are from what you’ve done. That’s not easy. A lot of people stay trapped because they believe the worst labels about themselves are their identity. But they’re not. They’re chapters, not the whole story.
From a faith perspective, what you wrote reminds me of the idea that none of us are defined by our lowest point. We’re constantly being shaped, refined, and given opportunities to grow. Grace isn’t about pretending the past didn’t happen it’s about not being condemned by it. It’s about being able to say, “Yes, that was me… but it’s not who I’m becoming.”
The part where you talk about walking your own road really stood out too. That’s something deeply spiritual in itself. We’re each given our own path, and while others can walk alongside us, no one can walk it for us. There’s wisdom in recognizing that your journey is between you and something higher guided, not forced.
And that line “no perfection, only progress” that’s the truth. Growth is slow, uneven, sometimes frustrating. But it’s still forward. Even the decision to stroll instead of run shows patience and humility, and those are signs of real change.
I also think it’s meaningful that you can look back without denying the mistakes, but also without carrying them like a weight that drags you down. That’s transformation. Turning regret into understanding, and understanding into better choices that’s how people actually change.
Keep going at your pace. Keep choosing growth over shame. You’re not walking toward “becoming a good person”you’re uncovering the one that’s been there all along. And I genuinely believe that kind of work doesn’t go unseen.
Thank you Stuart again for all the support, encouragement and advice you have given me and for being such a wonderful friend 😊
Hi Carmen
Thank you but therapy is always two ways and my thanks goes to you
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