Hi everyone. I don't know where to start to be honest and this is going to be very candid and I'm sure others will be able to relate. I grew up in the pub scene and seeing addiction with my dad and others first hand. It was part and parcel of the culture back then to drink and gamble on horses / fruit machines.Â
There was no online gambling back then and I dread to think the position our family would have been in had that been the case....Â
My dad was a good man. A very caring, generous and hard working person. He'd give his last fiver to someone on the street. He'd buy a round of drinks even if he couldn't afford it. I didn't know that at the time....
From the age of 7, he'd leave me outside the bookies to wait for him to place bets on horses. You'd then see him on the fruit machines in the pub. He was a heavy drinker and if he'd had too much his personality would change at that point, and be even worse if he'd had a loss. When he had a win however, he'd come home and would be vibrant. Sharing the cash around the kitchen table and our family would feel great. If he'd lost money though he would be angry and could barely speak. Our mood depended on his mood. From my teenage years, I started to realise and see how my mum was being affected by his behaviour, and began to resent him. I would tell him often to stop drinking and gambling and stop ruining our family.Â
I was never interested in drinking or gambling because I saw how it negatively impacted so many lives. My mindset back then was the same as others who've never experienced addiction. 'How can they be so weak and stupid?'. I was going to the gym, eating healthily and doing all the right things.Â
However, things change. My dad passed away a few years ago and I struggled to deal with that. To have a family to look after of my own, I felt a lot of guilt of how I'd treated him and the brutal things I had said. From not being much of a drinker or gambler, I began to do both. After going through counselling, they said it was to feel closer to him. To make him proud. Sounds messed up. But that's where I am.Â
History should not have repeated itself. I had a very stressful job at the time and I needed some escapism on top. Over the last few years, I regret to think of how much I've lost online gambling. It's far too easy to put money in and it feels like a video game, not your own money. I've been overdrawn and shaking, and it's normally when I've been drinking at the same time. I do not like the person I have become.Â
Last night I've lost another big amount and when I weigh up that my dog needs her teeth treated (and this would have paid for that), it tears me up inside. Everything I lose, I think about what it could have done for the family or what I could have purchased. I'm feeling very vulnerable with addiction and it's horrible to say I am in this position. I don't take it out on my family at least, but I can't help feeling like a failure. I just keep seeing my younger self telling me 'How can you be so weak and stupid?'. Having been through it, I don't think we are weak and stupid, because I completely understand how people get into these positions. But I am hard on myself.Â
Would be good to hear from anyone else who can relate....
Hi George,Â
Your post resonated with me a lot, especially the bit about being left outside the bookies aged 7 whilst your Dad was betting. I have been through something similar, and it's interesting how naive people can be about addiction. You often hear things like, 'I'm not an alcoholic because I don't drink during the day' or 'I only bet on what I can afford, so I'm not addicted to gambling' or 'I have a full-time job, so I can't be a drug addict' These kind of comments are just myths and I can see things differently now the more I have come to learn about addiction.Â
From my own personal experience and though I am not a professional, I think addictions all stem from trauma of some sort, and they tend to run in families with similar circles of habits and patterns going round and round until a circle is broken.Â
Are you still having counselling now? There are many resources of support out there both through Gam Care and other organizations that can help and support you.
With the loss of money, I get the feelings of sadness or anger that can arise from that. My partner is recovering, and I feel sick when I think about the total amount he has borrowed and lost over the years, but what's done is done and you can still move forward and turn things around for the better.Â
Don't be hard on yourself. There are many people out there who have been in similar situations that you have, and you have already taken a huge step towards opening up and telling your story which I'm sure will resonate with others.Â
Take care and remember you aren't alone, we are here to support you.Â
Kind Regards,Â
Jade
Hi George
Try and come to the 6pm, 7pm or 8pm chatrooms on here so we can talk and support you on here
welcome to the community....
Hi George
How are you getting on ? Did you make it to any of the chatrooms ? Have you managed to stay off and build a support network ? No worries if you haven't but was just wondering how you were doingÂ
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StuartÂ
Hi Stuart. Thank you for asking and apologies for not getting back to you sooner. It was because I was doing so well.Â
From February to April it was amazing. I was so in control. Blocked gambling sites, blocked slots.Â
But as all addicts know, it just takes one huge slip up. I unblocked slots on one site and what I saved in that time and was keeping a diary and a spreadsheet of was gone in an instant last night.
Really annoyed at myself. Worst thing is, I went £500 down. £500 up. Thought I was on a roll, then lost it all and more.Â
I've been in worse financial positions before, massively overdrawn and in debt, but it doesn't make it any easier to know you've f-ed up when you were getting things together.Â
I set myself financial targets to reach because of the cost of living, and this has massively hit me. Ridiculous.
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Mate i did something similar after covid hit i was around 6 months clean i had a massive win i had many relapses before and thought my life was going to change i started buying lots of things i thought first time in my life things was different that stupid win cost me 3x the losses i occured afterwaeds until 2023 i decided enough was enough the thing with this addiction it convinces u anything possible truth is as an addict you will always give it back and more and the only way forward is saving yourself from the next bet get yourself on chatroom 8pm my mindeset completely changed since then 3+ years clean the crazy thing was after covid that win played in my head even though i was lossing most of my salary i believed it will happen again now looking back i realise the addiction was playing tricks i was never going to stop the wins were fuel for furure losses👍Â
Hi George
Just get back on the recovery road mate. You've learned from that slip up. Try and come to the 8pm chatrooms on hereÂ
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