I need help

Hi down and out.

It's fantastic that your checking in on other people's perspectives and seeing the from all angles. Being here has taught me so much but it's taught me about Gambling mindset, I know it's not the same for everyone but it can make people (the loveliest sweetest people) monsters.
Angry. Monsters.

I hope you learn to be vocal. I hope you learn to say no. It's such a small word with such a large impact.
Any relationship can heal through communication and time, but it depends on the people. I'm no where near ready. And I think he understands it from my view no just thinking I'm controlling obsessive and selfish... which are all the things he is projecting as he hates them about himself.

Good luck. Keep up dating your progress I will continue to chat 🙂

Well today the depression set in and my partner isn't in the mood to talk either and is more angry today understandably. Kept busy but know it's long road back. I just wonder where the need to self destruct comes from. So counselling session arranged and working on financing the next couple of weeks. Just ridiculous. Just depressing.

Some one here will always talk.

Because we out of the situation directly we haven't any blame or hard feelings for you.

Understandably they are hurt. Time is a healer.
But honesty is the only way forward.
Well done on the session and for booking it. This is the first step to a new future. You've except your role and want to change it.

It could always be worse. Don't under estimate your strength. You've come this far, keep going. Keep strong.

I will keep checking. Always here for a little kick in the b**t. Communication вњ”

Hi Partner

Keep kicking the b**t! You and CW...And thanks for taking the time through my moments of madness, when you have enough of your own worries. I hope things are turning round for you? Best

Your welcome down.

I came here to find help advice and an ear too. And CW an odaat have been amazing to help.

Not being alone or proving your not crazy or unique or reason for the way people talk to you is worth the world.

Things aren't going great. I feel so hurt. He feels like we should be ok and back on track like nothing happened.
Im dreading the time I say not yet. Because it will all erupt again. He forgives instantly, (especially when he's wrong) but I can't. He admitted me chose to do it, that he knew I'd he upset.
It wasn't a Wimb he didn't have an urge he wanted to gamble. That's what hurts.
Fight it down. Don't hurt your partner like he has hurt me.

Hi,

Thanks for the kind words.

My husband also wanted to push a whole pile of emotional damage under the carpet. He'd say that he's looking forwards but I just keep wanting to look backwards. The counselling helps.

CW

I'm so cross with him still, I hate feeling like this and am trying not to be angry I know he's trying to make a mends and have me move forward but it's hard.

He still says he has an issue with it but he can stop if he wants, he has control and doesn't need gambling.

He is definitely trying to win control back. Commenting on (my nervous finger picking) or my nail varnish etc.. I shot him down by calling him a big man and to back off. He didn't like it.

All finances are secure. Day to day. I don't know how you ladies got marri3d or bought houses. Right now they seem like a distant dream.

Sounds like bog standard denial and manipulation.

It's fair enough for you to be angry as a result of his behaviour. You'll move forward as and when you're ready, he doesn't dictate the timetable. Your choices are about what you tolerate. I wouldn't advise tolerating continued gambling, my experience of it was negative but it's your life and your choices.

Yes he has an issue and no he can't stop when he wants, he doesn't have control and he does need to feed his compulsion to gamble.

Criticising you is merely a disraction and disrespectful to you.

CW

Honestly today he's been tired and cranky. He is worrying because he would like to take a week off before the children go bk to work.. I understand the pressure but if he spoke to me instead of dictating I'd allow him to know I've been saving for their uniforms etc and nearly have that pressure covered. But if he doesn't wanna talk. Then he can stress and pressure himself instead of working as a team.

He definitely needs help. And to address that his childhood has contributed to his "safe" "happy" place with gambling. Because that's where he turns.
I unfortunately can't make his troubles go away if he isn't whiling to take them head on or get help.
Thank you all for your support. I will continue to come and continue to learn.

Glad the finances are secure at the moment and that is one step in the right direction but he may think because there's money there the temptation to gamble is worse. Maybe you need to try and control the finances and get him to agree to this - easier said than done I know but it's worth a try. When the kids get their new school uniforms tell him that he should be proud that you have both managed that and that would probably have not been possible with rising debts from gambling. I am afraid his mind will be in a mess at the moment because that is what the gambling does, it causes stress, depression and tired with working as well and usually means that they want to take everything out on those closest. It seems he has admitted there is a problem but he is still thinks he can stop just like that without any help - he should realise that is not the case and he is not on his own and you are doing your best to get him back on track. Actually living with this daily can make you really dislike someone and it really is difficult not to lose it with them. However, you need to keep control and not let him control you but try and stay calm - if everything is calm then that is the time to get him to open up and talk. In my experience it's a bit like taming a lion isn't it?!! Good luck.

Today has been another day where you think oh get out my face !
All seems well and good then we discuss finances and him taking a week off in 2 weeks.
He's self employed cash in hand. I have suggested trading the car in for a small finance and getting a "normal" job but it's choice.

Finances on my end secure just have to wait for him to add funds to the account every week but slowly saving incase.

I'm child free tomorrow. And instead of saying what's your plans etc, he's so insecure he saying he knows my plan is to go out why don't I admit it.

I'm anaemic tired work a 5 am start tomorrow. The best thing to me is a bath, maybe a tipple, some chocolate, and a hobby ! Not a night out when I'm already exhausted. You know when someone just doesn't know you or pay attention to you anymore.

So self obsessed. Tired and fed up.

It's been a while coming. We're talking. I thought I was happy with the talking. But I've had the worst dream. I'm clearly not ok.

I feel sick. I seriously need some way to sort my head. The potential of his destruction is massive. Not only money but our lives. Our family.

Feeling sick. Someone help

Morning,

Not quite sure exactly what's upset you but I would advise you to trust your instincts. Of course it's always good to talk but it's the one area where actions speak louder than words, it's what he does to change things that counts. Not what he promises. And beware of deep and meaningful conversations about the gambling, they can turn into an attempt to manipulate you into seeing things his way. To quote HL, don't be persuaded to do anything that you're not comfortable with.

It is possible to be happy with an addict in sustained recovery but at all times they're one use away from disaster. There's no denying that addiction is a big deal and what's dished out in active addiction may well be too much to swallow.

Keep the focus on you.

CW

Hey CW thank you for your reply.

I had to vent really lol ! I had a very vivid dream he had come in from yet again another relapse. I think I'm utterly stressed as he wants a week off work before the children go bk to school. Financially it makes sense if we can afford it as works quiet end of the months especially summer holidays. So saves us fees.

He is trying. But he's also getting on my nerves because his trying isn't vocal, isn't what I need and as of yet not one apology has been given. Which still makes me angry towards him.

It's been 8 years. I hope this is the final straw and he realises I can and will walk away. This dream I packed his bags and slung him out. Agh !

Hope all is ok in CW land.

Poor him, working himself to the bone...If only he hadn't gambled your money, then perhaps he wouldn't need to do such long hours!

My 1st question would be, do you want him playing happy families if he has that week off? Then I'd go into wanting to know what you'll all be doing together because a week is a very long time for someone who is self employed not to be out earning money! But, I'm a female dog & know exactly why I didn't want to go to work back in 'the day'!

That 'control' stuff, that was me. Not having a problem, that was me too. And just as CW says, that deep & meaningful conversation about the gambling, that was me too, justifying to the NM what I should & shouldn't be allowed to do. It's all bull & if I were you with that vivid dream, I would blame being the 7th girl of 7 girls & call it a premonition...Unless he shows you hard, fast action, he is very likely to relapse, just as bad, if not worse than before 🙁

Stick to your guns & follow your instincts, if he wants recovery, he will look for it, if he's not ready, you need to be prepared to make those decisions as to what you can live with. I'm Grrrr-ing with you so try & stay calm for you & for me 😉