2017 My Year

Running myself into the ground the last few weeks. Working 7 days a week staying late.
Starting to feel it now.
I'm up at 6 in the morning to walk to work. I don't get home till half9 at night.
Irritated tired moody angry.
I'm going to have to stop the overtime after this week and try get some rest

Hi Stephen2105. I can see that you are working very hard at the moment. I am also doing lots of overtime to bring in some extra pennies. But it's got to be managable and sustainable in terms of how tired it's making you feel, and how long you intend to keep on doing it. Therefore if its making you feel miserable and moody perhaps you need to have a re-think. A debt repayment plan is sometimes a better option than working yourself to ill-health. Quality of life is important. Little things can make all the difference - healthy eating, exercise, good sleep, helping others and deciding to be happy and content.

I hope you can learn to be nice to yourself and find a positive direction forward.

At the moment it appears that you are unhappy with your life. Those long, hard walks to and from work. Mood swings, feeling bad about yourself, no trust in others and generally feeling like the whole world's against you.
I know I'm pointing out the obvious but it looks like this is how it will stay unless you do something about it.
I'm not against you. I have demons of my own to battle against. I look at you and send you messages and it makes me even more aware of my situation. I need to practice what I preach.
Just like you, I'm unhappy with the way I am living. I'm having to try to make big changes. I've found it difficult. This time I feel even more determined to do it.
I have to keep reminding myself that I know I can't win because I can't stop.
I don't know what to suggest other than outside help for you. How about aiming for small goals, I'd really love to hear next payday that you've bought yourself a bus pass.
I don't want it to sound like I'm having a go or making it sound easy because I'm not. I'm really hoping you can start afresh.
Take care and be happy x

Hi Stephen, just dropping by to see if your feeling a little more positive and to let you know we are still here for you x

Day 11. its coming up to xmas party season.

There is a team xmas party on Friday. Everyone is leaving early and going for a meal and then drinks. There's no allowance for free food or drinks (the company party is next week).

I wont be going. I dont mind not going, i missed out on many events/occasions/nights out. But its the people asking me if im going and then asking why im not going thats bothering me.

-

Oh my days Stephen!! I had a slip too and thought is better catch up on some diaries. U had me worried...keep plodding on!! 🙂 it's a vicious circle I know

In the office on my own. The team left earlier for their xmas lunch and night out.

Even though i said i didnt want to go i cant help but feel down that i didnt go. Couldnt go. Gambling took that option away. Wondering what my life would have been like without gambling. Feeling down and lonely

Stephen, you're not on your own.
Glad you came onto the site to make us aware of your loneliness. I too, shall not going to the works Christmas do.
One reason is because of the cost and to be honest the other reason is my self-confidence , probably all thanks to this addiction!!!
Do you want to stay like this forever? I for one don't. Only way for our circumstances to change is if we change. No ifs or buts - it's down to us.
You're feeling down - fair comment. Look to the future. Think what you want out of life.
Think what it will take for things to improve. Step by step, no massive leaps. You can do it.
Would love to hear you'll be able to treat yourself this month - bus pass for work maybe?
If not, there's always next month.
Thinking of you and really want you to think positively. You're worth it. It depends how much you want it. Never stop believing because life can improve.
Keep us updated, I'm sure I'm not the only one who looks out for your posts x

Stephen

LML makes a lot of sense and I echo all of her last post. You are trying to recover and your feelings of loneliness are probably familiar to many on here. Remember the financial benefits of not gambling far outweigh the losses incurred when you are doing it. Life before your gambling would probably have been less financiallly stressful. I still think you should try and get closer to your family and Mum and what better time than Xmas. A little treat of just making her a cup of tea and buying her a cake would go such a long way. Try it, see what happens, if it fails at least you have tried. Let us know what you thnik about the idea and keep posting. You have some loyal friends on here. Good luck for 2017.

Was debating whether to post on this but i feel my head is gonna burst if i dont.

Gambled again a few days ago, didnt even want to gamble, dont even know what happended.

kept enough for rent and to give some money for xmas presents for the family so thats something

I hate xmas. Would rather work. I got underwear as my xmas present last year so hoping to get socks this year.

Hate my job, hate the people. Hate listening to them talk. have already had an argument with the boss today.

Feel my head is getting worse headaches wise. i defo think this will be my last xmas and maybe thats not a bad thing.

Next year im not going to think about buying lunch, buying bus passes, buying clothes, buying drink, making friends, meeting a woman/ I dont own a phone so im going to cut myself off from the world. Ive already started trying to blank people in work. Im going run the clock down on this s**t life. And all i want is to die and say "well at least i got six months or whatever free gambling".

Ill post again when i feel like this again because i find it helpful to write down "f***k you world".

Hi Stephen,

Your anger towards the world is anger towards yourself.
Start from within, allow yourself some kindness and start seing life unfolding in front of you. Don't beat yourself up, remind yourself that you're a good person..because you are - you just hurt atm.

I've seen something at work - " the difference between good day & bad day at work is your attitude"..something I'm working on myself.

Stay strong, be kind to you, forgive yourself your faults..life don't have to be like that & you're in control of changing it.

Wish you well, keep pushing on

S x

Duplicate post

Thanks S.

Im angry at the world but im angry at myself.

And i think i need to be angry with the world and give up on being part of it. For the moment that means shutting myself off from people in work (because outside of work i dont have any conversations with anyone) and just let time pass by as quickly as possible.

i cant get back to the person i used to be. Im too far gone.

Hi Stephen,

I have followed your diary from a distance over the past few months.

You were talking very positively, what do you feel has gone wrong to make you now been feeling this way ?

I think we all have times that we want to shut out the world, and tell everyone and everything to f***f.

You know what ? Thats ok to do - for a while!

But take the time alone to make plans for 2017, things you want to achieve and experience.

There is a cracking world full of decent people just out of your reach right now.

Keep your chin up and get positive again - we are all behind you.

Sbb