Back again....something has to change

So today is a new day and I need to take that and run with it, after an awful nights sleep constantly thinking about why me? Why can't I stop? Will I ever be gamble free? and the list goes on.

This time I have to do something different and I have self referred to see a councillor but to be honest I'm very scared of opening up to someone but I know it has to be done to help break the cycle.

I spent a lot of time reading other people's diarys last night and it's so encouring to see the positive steps people are taking.

So today I won't gamble, today I will be strong.

Shaun

Welcome back Stokie!

Mixed emotions about your return. Great to catch up with you but sad that you felt you had to return if you know what I mean.

I do not think you should be beating yourself up though. You managed to go a year gamble free which is in itself a rare achievement. All of us who suffer with gambling addiction face a lifelong battle and many of us will be overwhelmed by addiction from time to time. You, I, we have all done this before and you know what to do.

I hope you can take some solace in knowing that you have abstained for a year before and can do it again and hopefully you and your family are still benefiting from the good made by your year on the wagon.

May I recommend MIxer's 100 day challenge "club." This had been a real help for me. A friendly group all vying to abstain for 100 days in the first instance. I am more than happy to reset my counter to zero and walk with you and if you go make 100 days gamble free I will personally drive up to Stoke and buy you a drink!

Best wishes,

Markman

Morning Markman,

How are you?

If I'm honest I'm gutted iv had to open up and admit I have a problem again, the whole time away from gambling was good kept saying to myself never again would I put a pound into any FOBT and I guess I let my guard down one day and paying the price.

This time feels a lot harder than before as I'm struggling to come to the terms with what iv been doing and I wonder if I have any fight left in me to win this battle.

Thanks for the offer with the 100 days I wouldn't want to get in the way off your own 100 days when I get back from work later I'll do some more reading and join in.

Shaun

I know exactly how you are feeling Shaun. Just remember, you have felt like this many times before and you have gotten over it. Now should be no different.

I do think you should graciously accept my offer though - I am not quite ready to hit 100 days if that makes any sense. The urges are still there and when I do hit 100 days I want my gambing days to feel like they are way behind me - at the moment my own feelings are still quite stong. Markman

Hi

Although I have never got too a year gamble free like you, I do understand the feeling of relapse. All I can say is learn from it, you can now look at what exactally went wrong and ensure this time round it doesn't happen! This time I have started too go to ga meetings as I have recognised that this addiction/illness is life long. It's part of my personality and unless I work at changing who I am then the problem will always be there. The room full of people who understand you, and support you and are willing you on too beat it is for me amazing, and I think most would benefit from it. Take extra support from where ever you can! 🙂 you have done it before and can definitely do it again.

Markman, let's do this 100 days together as long as your happy with it and it doesn't affect where you are currently? I will spend some time tonight having a read through your diary and catch up thanks for being supportive it will be a great help as at the moment I feel so alone.

I'm running the London marathon in 3 weeks time so that's going to be my first target get to that point gamble free and then push on

I have thought about taking a period of time off work to try and clear my head but not sure if this is a good or bad idea.

Deal. sign up to the 100 day challenge and I will join you. I am not ready to hit 100 days just yet!

Congratulations on doing the Marathon by the way! I really envy you. I use to run but have put on a few stone and am nowhere as fit as I used to be be which is soul destroying.

I am working on my fitness as well as my recovery!

All signed up and with day one nearly under my belt just need to keep my guard up tonight as off out to watch the footy with the lads.

Thanks Markman I was really in a bad place last night/this morning well done getting to 84 days don't start back on 0 with the challenge I will look forward to partying with you when you reach 100 days - when I look back at when I joined this site 6 years iv been trying to break this addication so something has to give now and I can't go back to my old ways part of me wants to open up to my wife again but I just know that will end in disaster and the other part just says battle on fight this addiciation and one day with my strength I will beat it.

Well done for signing up to the 100 day challenge Shaun.

As I said, I am not ready to celebrate 100 days. I am still fighting addiction and whilst things are so much better, not enough has changed for me to want to celebrate just yet.

The 100 day challenge was a massive help for me. Let do this thing together. In 100 days time I will hopefully be ready to celebrate and as I said would be happy to celebrate with you.

In the meantime we need to get a few days under your belt and then take it day by day.

Just remember, you have bounced back before and can do it again.

Forget about the past. What is done is done. Let's look forward. We have both struggled these past 6 years but look how far we have both come. You abstained for a year once and can do it again.

Keep posting daily and remember your vow - 100 days no gambling!

Take care

Markman

Thank Markman I really to appreciate your support and it's really what I needed so thank you.

I've just worked out 100 days from today will be when I take the family away for our first holiday abroad so on wards with this challenge.

So moving on to day two,

Last night was difficult at the pub not that i like playing slot machines but it's something I would get trapped into playing if I tried a 'couple of quid' just the lights flashing etc set of triggers in your brain but I resisted and stayed strong, need to do the same thing tonight as off out to watch the footy again.

Again not much sleep last night as constantly going over my mind what iv done, how am I ever going to escape this addiction, how can I come up with a plan to get all my bills back on tract. I guess when your in gambling mode you don't think of these things or what your doing.

I really can't thank Markman enough hes picked me up out of the gutter and is now walking with me through this battle.

So today I won't gamble, today I will stay strong.

Afternoon Shaun,

First milestone achieved - one day under your belt!

You will be feeling the usual hangover right now. Guilt, irritation, anxiety, depression, the works. Try and remember this is all addiction. Try and remember how good you will be feeling in a couple of months time. You know how time flies.

The feeling that always gets me is the old "how can I live without ever gambling again." Addiction speaking, You will cope automatically in time. Remember: 1 year! You can repeat this.

Do you have any support at home or from friends? Talking is really important and I hope you have someone.

What about your debts? I have put mine in a plan. And even when I did not pay for months on end and took on more debts I spoke to my debt management company and manageed to get these added. The main this is speaking to your creditors. Once you have a plan and get any creditors onside you will feel so much better! FYI it has taken a few months to get my affairs straight. I made my last call to my mortgage lender this morning and should have a payment plan with them by the end of the week. I will then have a humble monthly allowance to get by on but ten time more than when I was gambling and so much more time to do meaningful stuff!

My main motivation for not gambling is simply because there is no way I can win a life-changing amount. On the other hand it is a dead cert that I will lose pound after pound which small sums add up and really are life-changing NOW. Try and remember the next time you see those flashing lights - I know exactly how enticing they are!

Two and half hours until the IPL T20 2017 starts. I really cannot wait. I love the tournament and have never enjoyed it without a bet and I am so excited to watch it au naturelle from my desk this afternoon.

It all goes to show you can still enjoy the sport once the compulsion to gamble fades. All the fun and none of the guilt! I hope you get that relationship back with Stoke.

Anyway, I had better get back to work! All I have done so far is drink coffee, sort out my lender and read the forum!

I hope you have a great day. Stay stong and keep posting!

Mark

Afternoon,

So I've managed to negotiate to now to tackle this evening. Work is very very quiet at the moment and that is one of the things that gave me the option to gamble this time round, had a good chat with my boss to see a way to make me more productive but nothing can be done.

Yes Markman I have been feeling pretty c**P and have since opening my eyes to the problem again but only thing I can do is stay positive and hope they pass.

Unfortunately I've hurt so many people along the way I have to face this one alone I can't speak to my wife she will be devastated, my dad will be gutted and my best mates will be ashamed that's more why I appreciate you picking me up.

My debts are also being dealt with by a plan but I need to revise this and add some more which have snuck up on me while I was blind but I will face them and get it back on track, your right in saying it's takes a few months to get things straight again but I will I have to. Well done on sorting the mortgage out I bet that's a big weight of your mind now.

We all hope as gamblers hope we're going to win a good amount of money but I know even if I did I would lose the lot straight away because how ever much I win it will never be enough.

I've never been one for cricket but there's something about 20 20 cricket that make sure it exciting. I'm hoping to take little one to her first game next season and hopefully she enjoys it and we can make it a regular thing, as once the marathon is over I'm going to be lost with what else to occupy my time with as running 4 nights a week at the mo.

on to tonight I have to stay focused while at the pub going to have a couple of beers with the lads and I know one will be wanting to stop on route to put a bet on but I will resist I will not be going halfs on anything I can do this.

Hooe you've had a good day Markman

Come on Shaun, lots of marathons going on, or what about a triathlon? Be careful tonight, don't let your will power be side tracked. Will look for a post in the morning to make sure you have stayed safe. Best wishes.