Back to basics

Thanks Dunc, thats a really good post and means a lot. Thanks also Suzanne.

Well today I ended up going to the match, I have a little more cash than I thought and it will pay for food and the football on a saturday until payday. We actually won and kept a clean sheet, it was absolutely freezing though, winter is here. I skipped dinner and lunch and have had 4 pints as a meal replacement as I want to keep to my diet and keep the calorie intake down, I guess a few beers one day a week won't hurt me. The lads from the football were pleading with me to stay out, but I can't afford it and I dont want the bad head tomorrow.

Prior to the game a lad approached me who I used to coach football to when he was younger. I guess thats one of my only positive things I've done with my life as for about 6 years when I was younger I coached a kids team and put a lot of time voluntarily into it. Nice to meet someone who actually has positive memories of me and would go out his way to speak to me. I generally have let friends and girlfriends down over the years, but the football was one thing I saw out and didnt let anyone down.

I had cash on me to put a football coupon on and I was thinking of doing one, but in the end I didn't. The thought of some much needed winnings was in my head, but I never win, so whats the point.

So onwards I go, still in a bad place and with little hope but at least I'm here. In the past I have given up this site and gone back to gambling full on.

Hi Phil,

Well done on saying onwards we go.

Have a good strong day.

Suzanne xx

Phil

fella stand tall,put your arm behind your back and give it a big pat!!

You did something for Phil,keep doing something for that fella,because my friend I guarantee this that bloke that you look back at in the morning and before you set off to bed at night will again become your best mate.

Recovery offers you your skin back,take it fella,look after it,drink a few beers with it by all means,don't be too hard on yourself,you like me are an addict,you did not choose addiction it chose you.

The choice you have is recovery,you know what it offers

Look at yesterday

what did you lose?? nothing

YOU WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you can keep winning Phil,just keep looking after yourself.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Thanks Emily, Suzanne and Duncs. Just in from work, no bets today. Still feel incredibly low, hopefully time will pass and things will start feeling better. When I used to go to GA meetings there were a few people who used to talk as if it was inevitable that we were going to slip up at some point in the future. At the time they really used to make me mad, I was determined to give up and I wanted to believe it was possible to never gamble again. I still want to believe that I could live life without gambling again, but at the same time I feel when the urges come and take over I am powerless and there's only one outcome. This is totally down to my bruised and battered mental state right now. I really wish I could go back to how I was earlier in the year where I could walk past countless bookies without being tempted.

You can mate. While you may not believe in yourself right now, I do. I'm still here. You can ignore me all you want, but I ain't going to go away - friends stick together. I'll always say it how it is Phil - but only because I care.

Mr B

Thanks for the post and the belief in me Mr B.

Getting a company car for part of this week as I have some supplier visits to do which will make life easier for me. It will also be great to be outside of work and have a change of scenery. Really getting me down to see all these Christmas adverts, its a time of year that I really dislike as I am usually skint and feel a let down. It used to be a rare time of year when I had some money as I would often be paid on or around Christmas eve when the bookies were shut. Well a few years ago they changed this and started to open and since then I would generally lose everything and have a miserable Christmas. I suppose this year it will be more difficult to be skint as my bank card will be well hidden away. If I can survive the next two paydays without a slip things will be a lot better at Christmas. I'm also 500 pounds a month better off from January as one of my debts will be cleared, however I may be better off paying an extra 500 a month off another debt.

Oh well no bets today, I have been invited to the footy on a minibus tomorrow but can't afford it. I have got 30 quid on me which isnt really enough. Thought did enter my head to stick it on a horse and if it wins I can go, but theres no point as I probably wouldnt stop until I had lost everything.

Hi Phil - Reading about your time at the match on Saturday I was struck by how much we can affect people positively without being aware of it. That young man who came up to you wanted to speak to you because of those 'positive memories' you mention. Hold on to that - there are probably many others who have benefited from your input - not just in football coaching, but at work and in other spheres. You have been, and still are, valued - and certainly on this site. We believe in you.

Joanna

Thanks for the post Joanna.

I'm feeling a little better today, I have cleared things up with my parents and I'm trying to focus on how much better life will be for me when I'm paid in January. Maybe with less pressure on my finances I won't have that stupid thing coming into my head telling me to gamble when money is tight and I want to do things I can't afford. In January I will have more leeway and opportunities to do more with my time. I have a few bookies in mind to self exclude from on Friday, going to get some photos done and make it harder for me to gamble.

Another clean day, tryng hard to bounce back from the almighty depression thatI have been going through lately. I won't make this post long as I'm up at 6am tomorrow for work. I'm still plodding along on my diet, so as the days add up there I need to keep the gambling free days adding up too.

Hi Phil,

Well done on another clean day, keep going and stay strong,

Suzanne xx

Just back from working away and boy was today a tough day. I had 30 quid on me and a guy from work owed me 20 and gave it to me last night. Thought nothing of having 50 on me this morning, but on my way back I couldnt get gambling out my head. I wanted to walk into the nearest bookies and put the 50 on a bet. I kept thinking if I hit a lucky streak I can turn the 50 into 250 and what I would do with the winnings. Somehow I managed to keep control and I'm now safely home with the 50 in my pocket. I was very very close to slipping.

Bornagain wrote:

I kept thinking if I hit a lucky streak I can turn the 50 into 250 and what I would do with the winnings.

Well Phil we know what what you (and most of us) would have done with those hypothetical winnings - lost them straight away, leaving you feeling even worse.

Well done on keeping strong and continuing to work through this bad patch.

Joanna

Thanks Joanna, I would have lost them and wanted to lose more. I'm glad I held myself together, I can do a lot more with that 50 than waste it in a bookies. I can't settle tonight, I really need more to fill my life, I think I gamble because life is empty and to help me beat this I need to be busier. Hard to be busier when I'm short of money though, its a vicious circle, but I need to make sure that on payday I don't slip up and then next month I will have more cash to get out and about. Need to try and sleep, I won't slip up on Friday.

Phil

fella good to see the rational side of the brain not allowing the addiction to cash in your hard earned for 'gambling tokens' we both know the outcome of it,loss misery and more self loathing.

My advice passport photo's!!!

A five pound notes worth of them my friend and place them in your wallet right next to any money and the next time you pass that bookies simply treat yourself to a winner

The self exclusion form!!!

As for finding things to fill your life with there are plenty of past times that are free,me I spent a great deal of time in the library at the start of my recovery,a great place to feed the mind on wholesome things.

Lastly regarding your newly found financial position in january fella why not use the spare cash to buy a run around or even better buy a banger you can work on and trade up to a better motor with some use of that time.

Anything is possible Phil,yesterday again you gifted yourself the possibility.

Take it,enjoy it

Duncs stepping forward never back

Thanks Dunc, I have been out this morning and self excluded from a couple more bookies. I heard talk on the radio this morning about Cheltenham being on today and this has made me want a bet. I need to fight hard today and make sure I don't slip.

Had good news on the dieting front, lost another 5 pounds this week and have now hit the 1.5 stone loss in four weeks. I need to show the same disclipline on the gambling front and stay strong.