Back to basics

No bets today? Today is a good day . Well done

Hi BA,

Glad to see someone else who likes their boxing, totally agree with you on Anthony Joshua, and while he certainly is a specimen he's also got the boxing brain and picks his shots to make the most of his physical attributes. Being able to enjoy sport, boxing, football or anything else without gambling makes it all the more enjoyable in my view, although sorry to hear your side lost.

Well done on staying positive and keeping on the right track.

Ryan

Thanks Suzanne, Stephen and Ryan. I've spent today looking at the Black Friday offers to see if theres anything worth having. I'm not so sure I can be bothered fighting my way into a store on Friday, especially after hearing how bad it got last year. I won't be having a Black Friday in the bookies thats for sure. I will however be going to the bookies on Friday, three of them to self exclude and that will be my first task every Friday.

Currently feeling good and no interest whatsoever in any bets, May be tested when I get paid on Friday but feel in a much better position to beat it. No bets today!

If anyone from Gamcare is reading this I have just flagged a post as offensive on my diary by accident, so please disregard it.

Another day with not much to report. Importantly I'm not tempted at all to have a bet. After work tonight I am starting my couch to 10k running plan. Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays I will be going for a run and its a 14 week plan. Last time I tried this my knee gave in, but I started it midway through, hopefully starting from the beginning will work better this time. The big test this week is payday on Friday, I need to become a better person and I have to make sure I don't slip up again.

My day one creeps ever close, it all starts again on Friday. If the temptation comes back I will beat it. My bank card is in a safer place and I will week on week self exclude from more and more shops. This is in my hands and I will beat it.

I saw my boss in work yesterday, he insists the new starters he is planning on taking on won't affect my hours. He however is a liar so I'm not convinced, I'm also worried he is going to change my rota back to the horrible 4 on 2 off shift I used to do, which gave me one weekend off every 7 weeks. Since I have had my new rota giving me every Friday and Saturday off I have loved being able to go to the football every week and also can go to the rugby on a Friday once the season starts. I am in a tricky siuation as I can't find a new job that pays the same as I get now, so if he changes my rota I can put in a grievance but if work backs him up I will have to just go back to my old rota and it will impact on my life massively. For someone who has lost all his friends because of a gambling addiction I really enjoy going to the match on a Saturday and have met a load of new people, I don't want to give this up. Also to make matters worse one of the lads who is likely to get taken on is a massive gambler and its all he talks about. He did a work trial with us earlier in the year and despite knowing I had gone a long time without a bet and despite being asked not to talk about it to me he would contiuously try to show me bets, talk about bets and ask me to go to the bookies or casino with him. I just can't work with him, he will really make my recovery harder. So I guess I need to find a new job, but feel my hands are tied because all I can find at the mo are similar jobs but with salaries around 7k per annum smaller than mine.

No bets today!

Morning mate,

No bets makes this a good day! I know what you mean about being stuck with an employer, mine is similar where the wages are higher than what I could expect going to a similar job with another company. They are constantly fiddling with the rotas, but one weekend off every seven weeks is a horrible one.

Defeating gambling is one long test, and I have a few guys that talk about gambling, but not as much as that fella, hopefully he won't end up joining you.

Anyway mate, hope today goes well, and get ready to knock Friday on the head!

Ryan

Thanks for the post Ryan, I feel like my employer has got me by the balls because the same job in different companies pays nowhere near what I currently get. Oh what I would give for a Mon-Fri 9-5 job.

Right its payday tomorrow and my day one again. I have racked up a fair few days now without a bet, but with limited funds so it doesnt really count, the test starts tomorrow. I have to be honest the demons have come into my mind today, there is no way I will be able to get my bank card and my mum will only give me small amounts of money that won't test me. However I have a thought in my mind, I need to make a 500 pound debt repayment, usually I go into town with my mum and she draws it out and I go into the bank over the road and pay it in. Something in my mind is telling me I have no chance of getting my bank card so take the 500 go have a bet, win some money, pay the 500 in and then enjoy the winnings. I was confident I would survive tomorrow without a bet, but wham the devil is on my shoulder trying to tempt me. I can solve this by asking my mum to pay it for me, but being honest part of me doesnt want to do that. I'm an intelligent guy, I know how this ends, no matter how much I could win I would end up losing it all, so why the hell does this irrational nonsense come into my head. Why is something in my head making me crave a bet and filling me with confidence that I can easily use that 500 tomorrow to win a few hundred and then walk out and call it quits. This never happens, I either win and give it all back the next day or lose it all in an hour or two tomorrow, either way I walk out feeling rock bottom. I wish these thoughts wouldnt enter my head.

Phil

Fella I hope you navigated your way around those thoughts my friend,the truth is they will always knock the door,they will look for ways to get to the forefront of your mind.

You have the opportunity to enjoy the upcoming month,that will be made possible through you not stealing it away from yourself.

Keep those blocks in place and remember there is no shame in asking for help,what ever form that comes in,be it getting someone to take complete charge of your money,why change it,you don't have to test yourself,you proved yourself worthy through your honesty here.

Lastly I hope you enjoy the game today,it could be a terrible advert lol,we are awful away from home and you cant buy a win,for me the result in the grand scheme of things is not a life changer!! lol I am used to loss after our fall from grace.

Look after yourself

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

I couldnt cope on Friday, I was itching for a bet and couldnt get it out my mind. Instead of paying the 500 I kept it and an additional 100 I had asked my mum to get me. So armed with 600 I went off to the bookies and it took me about 6 hours to blow it all. I went home in a state of shock and thinking about finding my bank card and sticking 500 on a football bet, but I couldnt find the bank card and the football bet lost. Today I went food shopping with my mum and she gave me my card to pay for the shopping, but whilst she shopped I paid for the shopping and went to the cash machine and withdrew 500. I went to the bookies before the match today and very quickly I lost 400, I stuck my last 100 on an 8-1 which won and then won another 500 on a football bet. I have somehow clawed my losses back. Whilst my last bet was running I was contemplating suicide, I had been so determined not to bet this month and I felt so worthless. I was inches away from blowing a total of 1100! Fortunately I have won my money back and got out of the mess I created. I have given a friend 1000 to look after for me till Monday to pay my 500 debt and to put 500 back into my bank. I won't be gambling tomorrow and I need to make this the last time I ever gamble. Tomorrow is day 1!!!!!!

Phil.

Fella this may sound terrible but there is a part of me that thought reading that post that it may have been better in the long run for that punt to have lost.

Why? I hear you cry!

Because I know what addiction, your addiction will do my friend.

I have worn those shoes, I really did, I believed my mind when addiction got inside it, it made days where literally my life was on the line feel like winning days even though I was level at best.

Please take advantage of this event my friend, don't box yourself into the corner, the dead end road I did.

Could your friend not take the bank card, the deceit alone must be causing a monster mind f**k.

Take the help out there, keep your money out of harms way.

We are not cats fella, we only get one life . live it.

On a lighter note good result for you today.

Be kind to yourself, I admire your honesty, use it to it's full potential, it is very powerful.

Lastly, I don't believe counting is proactive in recovery always, because tomorrow is not the first day of recovery for you.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks so much Duncs, I was deep into despair yesterday and even more so today when I placed my last 100 pounds on a bet. Fortunately I got lucky and won back all my losses and now I am sat with a kind of euphoric feeling flowing through my body, maybe its what I crave and what makes me gamble. I have to make this my last mistake. I have enough funds to have a good Christmas and in 2015 I will be in a much better position financially. My mum has my bank card so once that cash goes back in the account I can't touch it. I need to self exclude from more bookies and make it even harder for myself to gamble. I am going to destroy myself if I continue on this path, when I had lost all that money I was thinking if I could just win it back I won't ever gamble again. I never thought I would win it back, but I did and I need to make today my last ever day in a bookies. Tomorrow I will no doubt be tested, but I'm back in work and I'm going to fight this and not have a bet. I have so much to look forward to, I need to sort my head out and beat this addiction.

As for the football, your lot were one of the better teams we have played this season, we have just had so much go against us and today we clicked for the first time this season. Hoping we can string a few wins together now and looking forward to an away day in Oxford next Saturday.

Phil

fella I get the euphoric feeling,but in the cold light of day how sad,to feel elated at just clawing your money back,this is not the behaviour of a normal person,but for us that is the long and short of it,when it comes to gambling we simply don't know or wont follow any form of rational behaviour.

My friend promise yourself,no gift yourself the serenity that can come from this,one final lesson,a lesson in which you would value your own life for the sum of a thousand pounds,to contemplate suicide over gambling surely is a point in which to draw that line in the sand.

Get your pal to deposit the money,don't put yourself in harms way,put some more blocks between you and the ability to get money,for me that is the point of no return,f**k Phil like me you cannot access money,it leads to a temptation and gifting addiction an open door,an invite to pillage through your life.

The mantra is the same

I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP.

it can be overcome,overcome by arresting the next bet,don't beat yourself up about that,embrace it.

My friend I stand by your side,we are all each others lights guide.

I want to read about how great Oxford is,about the things that are productive in your life.

Time to top that glass up,and on the back of the act of gambling that provided it,a refund,not a win a refund.

Keep making educated choices,start winning.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Went to bed on Saturday full of relief, I had got out of a mess and was determined that I wasn't going to gamble again. Instead I woke on Sunday and my mind was buzzing with the urge to gamble because I was on a roll and thought why stop now when I theres more money to be made. Why do these thoughts come into my head? It only ever ends the same way so why do I get these thoughts and urges that are so powerful I'm unable to deal with them. I'm currently under the weather with the flu and phoned in sick but instead of the day in bed that I needed I got my cash back off my mate and went to the bookies. Walked in with 1250 on me and after plenty of ups and downs I found myself at 4pm with 1675 in my wallet. By 5pm I had blown the lot! Went to a bridge over a motorway and wanted to jump, but didnt have the balls to do it. I'm sick of life, this isn't going away, I can't beat the destructive urges that come into my mind.

If I had an endless supply of money I would probably just go to the bookies everyday and gamble from 11am till 930pm everyday. I don't think I'm doing it for money because I never win, I always give it back. I must just be doing it for the temporary buzz of a win. I don't want to accept this is all my life is going to be but after making the same mistakes for so long I just can't see a way out. From the age of 16 to now aged 34 this is all I have known, get paid, lose all my money, have no social life, no friends, get excited as pay day approaches and repeat the cycle. Twice I have stopped for approximately 100 days and then at the start of this year I stopped for the longest period, but apart from this I have lost everything gambling.

Got some counsellors numbers and am trying to pick which one I want to see. I'm going to try cognitive behaviour therapy. Its 45 an hour which I now can't afford as the money I have left in the bank is desperately needed for my works xmas night out and other xmas things. But I think I'm better off skipping the works xmas do and starting my counselling this week.

I've just found out that the gamcare counselling is now available local to me, last time I enquired the face to face counselling was over an hour away. Fortunately its now available locally, so I have had a netchat and they are putting me forward for a course of counselling.

Hi BA,

Your account of the weekend chimed so much with my experiences, the rollercoaster of ups and downs, but whatever the journey it takes along the way, like you my journeys always ended up at ground level, at 0. You say that you can't beat the urges, but you also say that you've gone over 100 days without gambling, to me that shows that you can beat this. I'm glad you didn't do anything on that motorway bridge, you know that isn't the right exit however bad the weekend was.

Hope the counselling works out and you can find the right path forward.

Ryan