Back To The Start

Day 13 today a really quiet day gambling wise no real thought about it, had a half day at work so watched most of the sport this afternoon but no real urges. Feel I am getting back into a routine of abstaining and feeling good about it, previously when I have abstained there has always been a time in the future when I could let myself gamble again, I would look at an event and say if I get to there I will have cleared my debts and I can let up then but this time not having those small term goals this is it for good.

Day 13 in the books no gambing for me today

Day 14 pretty busy day, thought about gambling only once was thinking about the 20/20 world cup and thought to myself I wonder what price x will be to beat y in a game in a couple of days? Usually this leads to me obsessing and having a large bet on that event, not this time though put thoughts to the back of my mind. It did make me think that in previous incarnations of the journey I am know on if that team had won I would be angry I missed the odds and would be more likely to bet on something other random event as I felt I had "lost" that money.

Anyway just musing about the crazy logic I feed myself to continue gambling Day 14 over I have not gambled today.

Day 15 been a day off today not a bad day all in all and not too much thought given to the beast that is gambling. Actually finding myself mainly thinking about what i am going to post on here in relation to gambling rather than the act now which is a good sign that things at the moment are controlled, but all that is taken under advisement as I know that I gamble not to win but for the action and any lapse will see any money staked lost.

Have found I am struggling to fill extra time I have "found", am doing extra jobs round house and trying to do some running to get fit but am actually getting into the bad habit during days off of sleeping 3-4 hours during the afternoon when I would most certianly be betting which then leads to me being up all hours. Anyway minor gripe have some money in the bank a week away from payday and will be paying off a bit of debt at end of month Day 15 no gambling.

Hi T , Sorry I'm a bit late introducing myself , my names Alan and I'm a compulsive gambler , Fobt's were my downfall but now 195 days gamble free .

With regards to the posting , well just do what feels right for you , just have a rant or a moan put down how your feeling or nothing at all , its your diary and more importantly your recovery , theres no rightnor wrong and your doing well my friend !.

Initially I struggled with finding things to do and scoured the house for jobs but it all feels quite natural now and I wonder sometimes how I found the time to gamble if that makes sense ?.

My sleep at first was also really crapp.y , waking at all hours or feeling really tired during the day , I think a lot is to do with focusing so hard on recovery and staying gamble free that it becomes quite draining at first but trust me it will improve and things will settle when you get a bit more space between you and your last bet , always nice to see money left in our account at the end of the month eh ? , shows us what weve been missing and just how much weve thrown away , sometimes good to reflect but just don't stare too long !.

Best wishes and like your name says , keep trying hard and you will succeed !

All the best for now ................................Alan

Thanks for the comments Alan and for the welcome, have managed to keep away from napping today and so hopefully will get a good nights sleep before work tomorrow.

Day 16 is in the books hardly anything to report had a very quiet day watching some tv shows recharging before a very busy period in work, did a 7 km run as well so feeling like I should get some decent sleep tonight. I would say so far this has been the day with the least thoughts of gambling which is a real positive.

Anyway day 16 over and out another day gamble free.

I just got sleepy thinking about a 7k run ! LOL ! Best wishes for a good night and a gamble free day tomorrow , remember one day at a time and little steps and you'll be fine my friend !

Day 17 another day gamble free going to look at this from another viewpoint today as the day was reasonably good with no real urges. The first thought I was having today while in work was has my obsessive gambling made me a better employee? I started at a medium level and have progressivly worked my way up through the company, has having this noose around my neck and knowing I needed not only to keep my job but to progress to feed this animal made me more driven? Any promotion and raise has been quickly followed by "I'll have a bet tonight" and obviously the more money I have the larger my average bet has been.

The second thought and the more sobering one was the lack of satisfaction in my life while being this person, I got married last year and we went away on honeymoon I was quite literally in paradise on earth but within 48 hours of landing I was sat on my laptop doing my brains on greyhound racing at romford while my wife slept. It sickens me to write this and it is probably the most ashamed I have ever been with myself while gambling, don't know why I thought of this today and had put it to the back of my mind anyway getting more comfortable opening up on here obviously.

Day 17 no gambling tryinghard

It sound to me that gambling fog that has surrounded you for all these years is lifting and you are getting a bit of clarity back in your thoughts.

Been enjoying following your progress keep going the way you and you can soon be past that 105 days.

KTF

Thanks for the post ktf, just a short note today work mental, I'm cream crackered so off to bed no gambling on day 18. TH

Hi trying hard,ive been reading your diary,well done on 18 days.
Your comments and thoughts mirror mine,Im back to the early stages of recovery,feeling remorse of past acts,I'm feeling more driven to earn money to pay off my debts.
I know I can not gamble again,it is very hard to re programme the brain after a lifetime of gambling/chasing/borrowing but I will do anything to find contempment in life,I've had enough.
Just keep remembering we can't we cos we can't stop.

All the best !Robby.

Agreed Robby it is a very hard process to get out of thinking of gambling as a response to everything, I was reading ktf's diary and something he was told by another ex cg really resinated "name one thing you have bought with your winnings?". Now I have many well told stories about "big" wins but ask me what I bought myself from those wins I can't think of anything. Which juat shows it does'nt matter how many "good things" I can pick out I am never going to use that money for anything else once it is gambled it has gone even if it is loaned back to me for a bit.

In other news day 19 complete absolutley mad at work, I work in the leisure industry and so bank holiday weekends are crazy no time to think about anything just reacting so pretty easy day of abstaining. TH

Day 20 no real dramas, had a dream I had broken the spell and was gambling and losing again but woke up and life went on. Day 20 no gambling

Day 21 and 22 rolled into one post had a minor moment, the two sports I have spent most tiome and effort researching and betting on are golf and cricket, recently there has been the world t20 and the world matchplay i think as anyone who has gambled for a long time i thought about "value" Kholi for top bat and Jason Day, one won and the other looks pretty certain to win at first i was annoyed and then the motto I am now living with kicked in would'nt have seen that money anyway and so I carried on.

Work still mental lots less time to mull things over in work in fact at present it is work/eat/sleep/repeat anyway just checking in day 21 and 22 done and dusted .

TH

Well done trying hard,it really doesn't matter;it's irrelevant any winnings are just gambling tokens,every penny u have has a question mark over it whilst gambling.
I too loved betting on cricket,t20 games especially.I was all over india,kohl,guptill,root,khawaja but no amount of knowledge,luck would ever be enough for me - it comes down to I can't win cos I can't stop.

I'm glad your conquered your minor moment,I completely understand your annoyance been there many times myself,another test on the way to recovery.

All the best Robby.

Day 23 a real solid day no thoughts of gambling another productive day at work. Kind of emercing myself in that at present working extra long hours and have taken back up with reading so doing that of an evening, how did I ever find time to gamble? Really feel myself buying into this recovery this is the now oficially the second longest break from gambling since I was 14 so feeling extremely positive.

TH