"Don't be dramatic "

Thanks for the support

I totally agree with you LML on your post about the work colleagues. I have come into work in some right terrible state and moods. It's just everything has to be all or nothing for me. I'm either the main person in the group having a laugh or I'm the person no one wants anything to do with . It's just how my mind works on everything really .

Got up early today and went to work. Doing overtime. I'm actually the only person in the office. The work itself is fine it's just a strange feeling been here on my own. I'm trying to keep busy so that's why I offered to come in but hopefully in the longer term I find a better way to use the time .

Mood swings are still over the place. I'm finding it hard to get motivated about anything. I'm feeling sad more often than I feel determined and I do hope that changes.

Really need a drink. Feeling c**P.

To be honest I have a few season long bets that won't finish till the football season ends. So although I haven't gambled in ten days mentally I still have been following results.

And being honest again I have a bet on the formula one. I don't know the first thing about it but I was losing my wages one day so threw the rest on a short priced driver so I'd have the chance to win my wages back

And there all gonna lose . None look like winning .

So my recovery won't probably begun until those bets are over when the football season ends in each league.

Anyways back to try selling stuff online because I feel like c**P and just want a few cans

Take care the rest of the weekend. My head has been gone a long time ago and it's only getting harder for me

Stephen, try not to be so hard on yourself,it's still early days but if life is s**t as it stands then a gf life is worth a try no?. I am finding it easier no letting my gambling thoughts and losses consume meAs for work colleagues, unfortunately they can't be chosen and there will always be a bully in every crowd, it's whether you let their words affect you. Onwards and upwards my friend

Hi Stephen, sorry to hear you're struggling. I'm afraid I can't comment on the alcohol problem but there must be someone or some organisation who can help you. AA to name but 1?
We all know that deep down you want to be able to stop throwing your money away. It sounds like the only way you'll be able to achieve this is with the help and support of others.
It's out there Stephen, if you really want to succeed, I believe you can.
You know it's up to you, a future happy life depends on whether you really want to make the changes. Life could be so much better, put yourself out, find help, face your demons and make a better life for yourself.
You deserve more, you're due a break. Give it to yourself, get help. I know it's not easy for you but making small changes can bring big results. Wishing you all the best. Sorry if it sounds like I'm nagging but it's because I care. I want you to be happy. You work so hard, it's time for you do all you can to help yourself. You've made a great start and already done a couple of little changes, you've given your mum your bank cards, you've come back onto the site all great moves.
Think what small changes are you could make next.
Take care,
Big hugs x

Feeling much better today .
Glad I was honest last night and wrote down my thoughts and the torture of gambling.
I have a three day week in work the next two weeks so that's a chance to recharge the batteries.
Also have an exam in the middle of may so I'll start studying for that this week.

My mood changes daily. But right now I feel good. Sitting on my bed writing this and feeling ok

I'm on series 4 of the walking dead , any fans ?

Enjoyed the chat tonight
Went in with a different mood/attitude and felt good because of it

Another struggle today .

Some lad came over to me to talk about man United at my desk today . The boss came over and told us to stop . It's no problem the girls talking about there boyfriends all day but I wasn't allowed a 5 min conversation.

Trying to joke with people in the canteen but they didn't understand me so became awkward quickly will defo try and go for tea on my own more often.

Get all the S****y cases in work even having to fix up other people's mistakes.

It's bad enough I just want to die and get this over with but to have every day being a struggle is just torture. Dragging out the pain at this stage

Hi Stephen,

I have been reading quite a few diaries today and yours really struck a chord.

Firstly well done on 12 days gamble free. That is a really good step in the right direction. Remember, things can only get better if you do not gamble, however will likely get much worse if you do.

I can see from the posts above that a lot people on this forum care about you and are here for you.

Everyone has sh*tty days at work and it is all too easily to take it personally. Try not to. I know that developing a thick skin is easier said than done especially when you feel you have little fight in you but remember you are not alone.

I know you said that you were on a doctors waiting list but have you ever had your doctor assess you for depression? I supported my mother though many years of depression and some of the things you say are identical to hers. Aside from the constant feeling of sadness, my mother felt tired, anxious and always questioned her self-worth. If you are depressed you should try and get support for your peace of mind but also because in order to recover from gambling you will need to over come the underlying issues - this is what stifled my recover for so many years.

I hope you can stay strong and muster the strenght to fight this. We are all rooting for you. Keep in touch.

Markman

Hi Stephen2015,

some very good points and advice there from Markman. It does sound like it would be important for you to see your GP and see if there is any kind of support they can give you if the diagnosis is depression.

Also please feel free to call the Helpline or the Netline any time, or even the Samaritans, especially at times when you are feeling like you don't want to be here anymore.

You might also want to consider asking if your GP can refer you to counselling, or contact www.aware.ie or www.irish-counselling.ie. It sounds like you would benefit from having this kind of support.

And of course keep posting on the Forum.

All the best,

Forum Admin

Easter weekend , have some time off work.

Made the mistake of buying cans for good Friday . Drinking during the day and a phone in my hand was not a good idea.

Started arguing with people on wats app. So not only do i not have any friends now people have a reason to dislike me.

Shouldn't have been part of that wats app group anyways. They slagged me behind me back on a stag last year , met up with them a few months ago and left after an hour. Made things a lot worse for myself.

Really struggling with my negative thoughts. I wouldn't have had this life if I didn't have wonky eyes . Could never deal with the hassle I have over them.

I talk about wishing I was dead. I'm half way through my life so it's not as if I have to long to wait.

Loneliness; drinking cans alone to do something in the day ; such a bad idea .

I'm not a good person . These lonely sad thoughts I deserve to have.

Oh dear, what can I say!
Wonky eyes? I didn't notice them on your picture but then if they upset you and cause you grief, I'll believe you.
Sounds like you're all alone out there and you don't like it.
It has been said before but I'll say it again. Only way for things to change for you is if you make the changes.
Did you take any of the advice offered by Mark man and forum admin?
Your count says you're 19 days gf. If you are that's some cause for celebration, we know how difficult it is for you so it would be a great start to a new you.
You ARE a good person, you just need a helping hand.
Take action on some of the support offered above.
Reading diaries shows that when people help themselves their lives usually always take a turn for the better in many ways.
You are worthy of a better life Stephen. With help you can achieve this.
Once again, fantastic achievement 19 days - especially when you feel so low. Keep the gf count rising and make today the day you pick yourself up, dust yourself down and take steps to making a happier future for yourself. It's not easy but it has to be done because you ARE worth it!! X

You can only see my wonky eyes when you see me in person . One eye blinks faster than the other . That's why I can get dates on dating apps but they least about a half hour . Well that and many other reasons .

Yea 19 days . It's not an achievement I haven't gambled because I don't have any money .

Just gonna read down some thoughts. Won't make sense to anyone but just to get it out there.

I'm bitter about how my life has become. I never imagined this would be my adult life when I was young.

I'm bitter about how I look. I wouldn't have fallen out with people , I would have met a nice girl and I would have been a lot happier if not for my eyes.

I'm bitter about myself . That I've allowed myself get so bad . That I've had opportunities to beat this but I've haven't taken them.

I don't want to die. But i want this life that I have to end.

I'm gonna try again. Start from the beginning. Start again. Don't let the past hold me back.

Tomorrow I have a day off work so I'm gonna study for an exam i have in a few weeks. I'm gonna do one thing each day to improve myself .

I had a brainwave really in terms of being lonely and having no friends. There is a meet up app so where people can join different groups and meet up and stuff. So that's a good plan too

Another step I'm gonna make is to stop looking at gambling sites. I have no access to money, I have a problem with gambling so that's two very good reasons to not be looking at those sites.

So that's a couple of good steps to be made in the next few days. Next week is payday so I'll plan for it when it gets closer

Hi Stephen,
19 days is an achievement. You bought cans instead of gambling with the money so the option was there.
Massive well done for using this diary to write your thoughts down.
You need to use your diary more often.
There are so many people on this site. Each have their own stories, each have their own personal challenges in life.
Love hearing you say you are ready to try again and more importantly you are wanting to try again.
Don't do too much at once. You need to put you and your well-being first.
When you say you're going to do one thing each day to improve yourself you don't have to do anything major every day. Even just sending a supportive message on here would class as being a good deed for the day, you usually find that good deeds eventually get rewarded in one way or another.
Remember another way of helping yourself is to seek advice and support from others.
When you are feeling better and happier within yourself then you will feel more confident with meeting new people.
I look forward to reading your future posts.
All good wishes x

Hi Stephen - this is that old mother hen fussing over you again but I always hope some of what I say is of help to you.

I will keep banging on about you using your time off to write down an action plan for improving your lifestyle and wellbeing. It can be done if you put your mind to it. I still think you are maybe trying to cope with all of this on your own at home and that is probably what is holding you back. However, to compensate for that I really hope you stick with all of us on here. LML is such a great support to you so hopefully you will work with us and not against us with the support and advice we all offer.

First of all write down your achievements and be proud - some of thi things I have read in your posts.

achievement 1 - 19 days non gambling

achievement 2 - you are in employment (be it a pain sometimes) but you are holding on to that job and improving your job prospects by taking exams. A lot of people would not summon up the effort or energy to study and take exams but you do.

achievement 3 - you have come on here to seek help and advice and admit you have problems - a very brave and sensible thing to do.

achievement 4 - you have tried really hard to integrate with your work colleagues but have hit a bit of a brick wall but at least you have tried.

achievement 5 - your photo showed what I thought was a really pleasant young face.

A big problem with a lot of young people today is lack of self esteem and maybe watsap, facebook or twitter are not the best places to go on if you feel low or have had a bit to drink. If you meet someone online you inevitably have to face them in real life. If you do have a problem with your eye then just be honest and tell people or try and discuss the problem with people rather than trying to hide it. Somewhere out there will be a really nice person who will accept you for who you are and I have said to you before you will probably meet that person when you least expect it. I always believe that there is no such thing as a perfect person with a perfect body or a perfect mind. If we have flaws that we are worried about it is a matter of how to deal with it and not let it get in the way or everyday life. I know myself from past experience how hard that is and how lonely you can become but with a little thought and initiative your life can improve Stephen. Please make today Day 1 of a new start to your young life. You really have more to offer that you think. Please take care.