Shep's diary

Happy Easter everyone.

I'm trying to stay positive in recovery, like I've said before controlling my stress levels and not bringing stress from work gone with me, the latter is easier said than done.

Enjoyed the England v Sri Lanka T20 game yesterday. The first full T20 match I've watched since starting recovery. Very exciting especially near the end, funny I had butterflies near the end a feeling is usually got when a big bet was riding! Anyway this time it was for England just to win and qualify, which thank fully they did.

Earlier in my post I mentioned controlling stress. Well this morning I find my special whiskey glass broken! No one in the house knows who or how, anyway not bothered it's only a glass! Before something like this would have been fuel in the fire towards a bet! Then if the day got worse, more bets. So god knows how much that £5 glass would have cost me.

Thanks

Hi All,

Back after the Easter break. Nice gamble free long weekend. Got the new drinks glasses for home, plus 3 extra from PoundLand that the kids can break without any complaints!

Funny we've had an XBox 360 for two years. Never played it until this year and more since owning up to my addiction. Since then I've finished two Half-Life game and bought a second hand Tomb Raider game which I love! Not bad for a 40'odd year old. I remember when the origianl Sony Playstation came out I was hooked on the Tomb Raider games, but god how the graphics and game play have improved! So enjoying this fun means I'm not watching as much live sport which isn't a bad thing, plus my daughters get involved too.

Did a couple of walks over Easter, therefore wrote a poem about fighting addiction:

My illness lies dormant, I continue to feel fine,

It will wait there so patiently for me to step over the line.

An addiction that I know is wrong will try prove itself right

I must hold back temptation and continue the fight.

I hear so many voices yet no body speaks

I need to keep strong and determined, never show to be weak.

To slightly open the door would let the demons back in,

Keeping the mental barriers in place, I won’t let this thing win

I’ll be open about my urges and battles along the way

Confining in loved ones who listen to what I have to say.

Some people don’t really understand the difficulties I face

The ones who do are guardians, leading me to a better place.

I’ll grow stronger in recovery, after a storm there’s always rain

One day I will see sunlight and get to know myself again.

GA meeting last night. Interesting and the quickest two hours of my day.

My thought today was a question others and ourselves may ask (my wife asked last night) "Why do we gamble?"

I suppose a gamble or flutter can be fun. Speaking with the wife last night she agreed. She can have one or two flutters a year and walk away happy, win or lose. I told her that's what I couldn't ever do. I've always been a bad loser, I hate losing at games/sport (play to win I'd always say), I hate losing anything around the house (easy done with three kids) and I hate losing money...... that's why I'm a compulsive gambler. Chasing losses has probably been the biggest cause of my debt over the last few years. Even if I'd have stepped back for 24hours after losing a big bet I'd probably only have half the debt, but I couldn't, I hated losing. You don't pick a bet that you think will lose? That's what was difficult for me to understand. So surely my next bet cannot lose again. How wrong! I hated losing! When I started to hate myself I realised I needed to change and that's what I did. So far so good, still early days I know but I'm happier in myself and thats a big positive.

Thanks for reading. I'm not having a bad day! Just an extended lunch now writing this.

Cheers!

Evening,

Been a busy two days, had the girls and two days holiday from work. These days used to be stressful combined with betting, chasing and losing! The last two I felt like a real dad, happy to be with, concentrating on the kids.

Last night was hard with the wife. She'd asked the Halifax for the joint account to go back to paper statements. I didn't mind, but just my luck we got 6 months in one go! So it was through all the credit card payments again which I had shown her online already. Anyway there was nothing I needed to hide behind the sofa from! She's in charge of the accounts now so I suppose that's how it's going to be for the future.

Tired now guys. Good night.

Evening all,

It's really nice to get in at 23.45 after a few beers in the local. I'm sat in the kitchen posting my message. In the past I'd be sat here looking at the evenings disasters at betting, checking tomorrow's games and prices. Tonight I'll go to bed thinking of a family day tomorrow, of course I want to watch the Workd T20 final! Let's hope we're all back home in time.

Only did two local pubs. The second had a race night on. Wasn't interested, wouldn't have been during my gambling. My friend I was with doesn't gamble what so ever but it was his decision to sit in the bar with the race night on because it was more busy! It was nice sitting therefore two hours in conversation about life without the mind wondering to betting.

I'm fighting this addiction. I always said to myself high street bookmakers are terrible places, I never gamble in these. Now I'm trying to mind-set all gambling is disgusting and something only losers do. I've been a big loser in my life and it's something I don't want to be!

Tomorrow I will not gamble. I just want England to win the T20 World Cup!

Good night all.

Well England didn't win the T20 World Cup, how I'm still trying to know!

Plus I didn't gamble, or feel the need too.

Something ringing in my head that a guy at GA said.... "GamCare is funded by the betting sites?" Does anyone know if this is true or not. He said that's the reason he didn't use this site. Doesn't really bother me, the site needs to be funded so do the free councilling sessions.

I'm over my 50 days gamble free now, over the first 53 or 57 that the GA meetings said were a big test to all CGs. (Pat myself on the back). I suppose the next milestone is 90days again GA booklet onthis one. Suppose I will be happy at the end of the 2016 then my year gamble free Feb 2017. A long way to go with no doubt ups & downs on the way. That's lifes rollercoaster I suppose.

Thanks.....(who ever reads this)!

Thanks Half-Life for the confirmation. Probably a tax fiddle for the big bookmakers! It would be very interesting to see how much funding they provide to help problem gamblers compared to how much they spend on advertising, luring more people into the dark world gambling can take them?

Thanks for the "well done".... May it continue! Cheers.

My mind set...............Just thought I would share a true story with you..........

I've always made it clear I don't like high street bookmakers.

Last night at my GA meeting, I mentioned this to one of my fellow CGs. He asked me why.........I dug deep into my memories to find the time when my dad would leave me and sometimes my sister standing outside the bookies whilst he went in to place his bets (or buy his loaf of bread as he probably lied to us). This was in the late 70's, when the you couldn't look through the windows, when the door opened it was full of smoke inside and mennot really doing much than stand around!. I remember it was a strange place, seedy in many respects and difficult for me to understand. I recall one incident when I must have been 6-7, I must have known then what the "bookies" was then because after placing his bets my father and I caought the bus home. He told me not to tell my mother where he had been. As soon as I got home I remember clear to this day my mum asking where we had been, I replied "Mum, me and dad have a secret" this being heard by my dad resulted in a strong hand across the face which hurt! That's why I hate the high street bookies!

Now I need to cement into my head all gambling is disgusting and build up a hatred against it. For it has damged my life and I know it has certainly damaged others.

Thanks for reading.

Evening All,

Family funeral today on the wife's side of family, sad time for all. But I was their for her today with a clear mind, focussed on supporting her. If this had been last year I'd have no doubt had a bet in the morning, waiting and thinking of my bets for the evenings football! Awful for me to admit but nice to know it wasn't to be.

Another reason to add to my list why gambling is a disgusting habit.

On a happier note, Liverpool played well tonight. Enjoyed the game.

Nice diary shep.

Keep up the good work.

Hi All and thanks Andy14,

Sunday afternoon, so far so good. No gambling, however felt a little moody and miserable today but just not got my happy head on! I just say to myself "how would I have felt today if I'd I lost £200+ yesterday" A hell of a lot worse.

The IPL T20 started yesterday, didn't know until I caught end of first match. Past months, I seemed to know all the main fixtures in most sports ready for my in-running sessions!

If gambling is a mental illness, which I believe it is, then only a strong mind or well occupied mind can overcome it. We live in a country where sport is loved, with that comes betting, gambling adverts on most radio and tv channels, spam emails of casinos that I wouldn't dare use..... All of which are there lose us money. But that's life today, we've got to live with it but we don't need to gamble! What do they say....

WHEN THE FUN STOPS, STOP

I can't say it was fun when I lost my first bet. The fun was probably having another bet to win back what I lost! I didn't stop because I couldn't. So as you can tell that slogan pi$$es me off more now I've stopped gambling, beforehand it meant nothing, nor did winning or losing!

Thanks all for reading.

Monday.

Phone call on the work this morning from a good friend who must gamble everyday,asking me if I watched the golf last night, which I never, not really interested. Anyway he told about the exciting finish and how the young American blew it! To be honest I did think of gambling, but only about the many millions of pounds and dollars made by the bookies on such a great collapse from a guy who would have been odds-on to favorite to win! "YES" the bookies win again, lilke always! Although it was nice to hear a fellow Yorkshire man had won the tournament.

Like I've heard many times before "There's never a dead cert" but did this ever make me want to stop, NO! Fell on my deaf gambling addicts ears!

That's it for today, thanks for reading.

The bookies always win.

I am going to try and reduce thief profits by not trying / going in

Then in couple of months I should try to golf!

Feel a little bad tonight missing my GA meeting. Got admit it was because of the Champ League 2nd leg. Friends came round last Wednesday for 1st leg of Man City so we made a date for the 2nd leg forgetting it would be Tues this week. Anyway they don't know about my GA meetings and that's how I want it to stay. Definately will be attending Friday.

The wife has just asked if I'm feeling alright missing tonight's meeting. I replied "I feel fine, had no gambling urges, but I've missed the chit-chat of the meeting with my fellow CGs." That's the truth. So roll on Friday.

Good night all.

Don't feel guilty Shep you are just reaping the rewards of GA. If you were anything like me you wouldn't of had your mates round last and again this you would of been to engrossed in your gambling and even if they was there you would be paying more attention to your bets than them.

KTF