Shep's diary

Just read a new thread from a wife who's just found out about her husbands addiction. There heart-breaking and soul destroying. I worry when these individuals disappear from the forum. What have they gone back too.... a bunch of lies and promises from their addicted partners........Of course I hope they are on the road to recovery but I doubt it.

Every regular poster/member on this forum are a credit and inspiration to others. However the partners of CGs, Cynical Wife and Half-Life just to name a couple can offer us CGs a unique reflection of what it is like living with us before and after our recoveries. I thank you both and all other partners for this.

I know my wife is hurting but she is being strong with me. I read some of these posts and know what she must be feeling then I read others to know I could have lost her and everything else.

Then again, a big thank you to everyone on here for their honestly and acceptance on such a horrible addiction.

Doing a great job buddy, keep up the good work!

Atleast you've taken onboard missing your GA appointment - lots wouldn't of done that I should imagine...

Hope you & your family well, all the best mate, NM

Thursday. Not been the best of weeks, mainly work related. Feel a little down but no thoughts of gambling. Watched Champ League football Tue & Wed and enjoyed it. I know I've said I would have backed Real Madrid to qualify after being 2-0 down from first leg, but main thing is I didn't nor did I even look at any prices. I doubt these thoughts will ever go away. It's like a non-gambler saying before a game "bet the home team win" but what actually goes through their head so don't know! I doubt very much they think of how much they could win!

Looking forward to GA meeting tomorrow evening. Missed Tues so I need my fix!

So tonight watching Liverpool UEFA League at home, really enjoyed the first leg, hopefully tonight will be the same! Might even have a whiskey and dry!

Cheers

Wow! Now on my second page of my diary. On iPhone anyway.

Back to GA tonight. I can honestly say I needed it after the week I've had. Even though I've not even come close to having a bet.

Tonight when we spoke about hitting rock bottom. I felt the need to speak about my last bet and the build to it starting the evening before. I tell you all, it still hurt me telling it again 60 days on, I could hear my voice breaking up and was shaking. Awful believe me. I felt a little down and shaky for the remaining of the meeting. Suppose the truth does hurt! Not a bad thing, really I wish this wound to stay open and act as another blocker to stop me gambling again.

All the best, have a good gamble free weekend .

Saturday probably a gamblers favourite day. The times my Sat nights have been spoilt by the day's bets!

Just sat down to watch Chelsea v Man City. Watched no other live sport today, how my Saturday's have changed! Had my 3 year daughter today as wife out, could have watched sport all day, but "no" been occupied with her, then when she did drop off watched the film Dead Pool instead of sport.

Out tonight with mates and a clear mind to see a local band play in town. Something to look forward too, listening to the chit-chat and music without my mind being somewhere else. I even know times I've cancelled nights like this because of the lows Saturday afternoon betting could bring!

Just as long as the hangover in the morning isn't too bad I should be okay.

Cheers!

Sunday, what a waste of a day! Hungover till around 3pm. At least in the depressive state a hangover brings I had no urge to bet. The wife was very reasonable with me, think she knew I needed a good night out.

She's been really good with me, bless her. I can honestly say we talk more now, than when I was gambling. I remember i would leave a conversation if it was heading towards the "cost of living".........She'd be telling me about the cost of bringing up three kids, £20 here and there, my mind would be thinking "I've just lost ten times that this afternoon" before changing the subject.

Got my Barc-Card statement last week not good reading, paid a good amount off to stop interest payments on a stupid balance transfer I did thinking it was interest free, that was nearly £20 a month. Then came the MBNA statement which I thought I'd paid off fully last month but NO!! There was a "interest occured" amount off around £25 still outstanding. Anyway that's paid off so that account will be closed ASAP. I hate that card, I did a lot of damage on that one! Anyway the interest savings of £45 per month will go towards paying of the Barc-Card. Love to pay that off in 12 months but I doubt it.

Anyway life goes on will miss GA tomorrow as I'm working away, will be back for Friday without fail.

That's all for today.

Hi Shep just read from start to finish with eager anticipation on how you are doing with your recovery. Just posted my first forum as this is my first day here and my first day on the road to recovery myself. Fantastic work from you so far, gives me the belief I can do it. Do you think you would have been so successful without going to GA meetings? Cheers,

A

Hi ahl21,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for reading my diary. If I were you I'd go to the "newbies" section to create your own thread introduce yourself there, you'll get more advice.

Thanks for the support, however still early days for me, just over 60days but happy with the start of my recovery. I read you managed around 6months gamble free, was this totally free or controlled gambling? I bet every day, except Christmas Day! Hated losing, chasing my losses was one off my biggest problems. I may have stopped for a few days here and there but the urge and ease of gambling always beat me in the end.

I didn't want to do counselling one on one, so chose GA instead. I've attended two meetings a week when not working away. They really work for me. I doubt very much I'd be 60days gamble free and feeling so positive about the future without them. I hope there's a meeting near you for you to try. If you don't like the first meeting don't give in, give at leat 3 meetings a go.

If you have any questions just ask me.

Facing up your addiction is a big step, so well done, but I believe you need to share your problems with someone close and tell them the whole truth about debts etc.

Wishing you all the best.

Tuesday.

Work $hite at the moment. Good to get away time Thurs night. Sat in Doncaster/Sheffield airport, makes me laugh, I'm a Yorkshire man and it's not really near any of them! £35.99 to park for 3 days! Now that's robbery, glad work is paying.

They've been times when bored at the airport resulted in gambling. Times I'd get on that plane pretty P****d off. Today I'm just P****d off anyway but happy to be posting and no where near wanting a bet.

Sat having a pint of Magners and a lovely burger in the Wetherspoons here. Still I'm happy about life and the everyday ups & downs it throws at us without me mixing in the gambling element.

The fellowship will be at GA tonight, I'll be up in the sky above thinking of them and looking forward to my Friday meeting. So wether the job goes well or not, apart from seeing my family again, I've got something else to look forward too.

Prob post next Friday. Until then everyone take care. Cheers!

Hi Shep thanks for your comment back I have taken your advise on board and thankyou for your words of wisdom! I have posted a message back in my diary page. £35.99 to park is daylight robbery I agree, well done for looking on the bright side and enjoying a nice pint instead of a bet, hope the trip away goes well & look forward to hearing when you get back.

Sunday.

Well further to my post above, Doncaster airport definately got its revenge..... I missed the flight! Along with another 4 passengers! What a joke! So lost the value of my return flights plus the the expensive car parking! Shocking. I had to drive through the night to Luton to catch a flight the following morning. Didn't return until Friday evening so missed my GA meeting. At least it's a tale to tell on Tuesday!

So if these stress levels were a good test to me gambling again then at least one positive is I didn't even have any thoughts of gambling! Still mad about the situation, especially in such a small airport and being there in departures 2 hours before!

So on my return I have cut the grass, tidied up outside. Washed and polished the car. Kept myself busy and occupied.

See what work says in the morning!

All the best.

Sorry Shep I'm laughing away here. Like you say at least it never sent you to gambling a couple of months ago I'm sure it would have. Like you say a take to tell on Tuesday.

KTF

Monday

Back to work, same old pooh after I've been away, like nothing has been done in the workshop. Nevermind, I've got another gamble free weekend behind me! Not said anything regarding my missed flight, too busy! When it comes to doing my expenses I suppose 2 extra flights won't go through! (Glad it made someone laugh Oldhamktf, I'll laugh about it soon!)

Anyway GA meeting tomorrow 100%. Will miss the Man City 1st leg, but as I didn't attend last week due to work, need to get myself there, my recovery is more important.

Well done to Leicester yesterday winning 4-0. Keep up the good work! I'm not a supporter but hope they win it to show that these big clubs who spend millions it's not all about spending money in a sport where the "money" is spoiling the game. Also Leicester winning it will cost the bookies £10million (probably all fun bets too from everyday fans).

Nothing much else to report. Thanks for reading.

Tuesday.

GA meeting tonight, never in my life did I think I'd miss a Champions League semi-final including a British club for a meeting not work related! Just shows you/me the importance of attending.

Just been reading a couple of posts regarding "on-line slot addiction". Yes, I've played a few free spins when I was a VIP Sportingbet member. Question is can regular players tend to reckon when a jackpot is due? I know the bookies/machines always win, they're programmed to make money. But when I was a kid down on the seafront, I knew a couple of "signs" that a £5 jackpot was due, some of the full time arcade addicts knew much more! Just curious, not interested in any gaming what so ever. These pub bandits now adays I think you need a life long addiction to even know what to do on them! So if anyone can answer me please post on here.

Another member (Phil) told me to watch a programm about alcohol addiction which I will. I'd watched a couple of programs about drug addiction on Iplayer that was really interesting. Surely gambling addiction is covered up, hidden away somewhat? I would really like to see a program on the subject matter. I know GA would never contribute to providing any facts or figures as its totally against what they do. Surely its time some young and upcoming journalist or presenter could research into. I mean last night Pararama was about the Steel industy in the UK and how closing down the works in a small Welsh town would wreck the lives of most living there. I recall one guy saying he worked there because generations of his fore fathers had worked there and closing the works would mean to him he had failed them all. Very sad. Lives in this community would be wrecked, just like the lives of 100s across the UK each week due to gambling. Would love to hear the "big" bookies defend some of there actions and try and pride themselves in how they defend problem gamblers before its too late. Don't tell me "When the Fun stops, stop"........what a load of $h!T.

Lunch time over. Thanks for reading.

Thanks Deano for that info, very interesting. Never done the FOBTs but I can remember a program on TV about these machines and how much these make for the high street bookies. I doubt these machines are all regulated correctly.

Good night all.